Volume 271 - Harp-O-Rama

 September 19, 2000

 Last Minute VCR Alert - Gore on Leno Tonight
  He was brief, but funny.

 From: dmitch223@earthlink.net

 Subject: Self-Immolator


 Doesn't the premise of the "Hitcher" bear a distrubing resemblance to the incident
 in Jasper, Texas when James Byrd was dragged apart on a two-lane blacktop by
 a couple of juiced up Klu Kluckers?

 It just comes to mind.



 There's a chance it's the other way around.
 What if those Texas killer's watched  Smirk's snuff film that day?
 George Will says people commit whatever crimes they see in a movie
 or hear talked about on a rap album, so you may have a point.

 Smirk, how could you?

 Paula Looks for Work

 Paula Jones moved back to Arkansas to be closer to her Mom's trailer.
 After a while, her mom kicked her bon-bon eating fat ass off the couch and
 told her to look for a job or go back to earning a living at the bus station.

 So Paula applied for a job as a secretary.
 Her boss asked if she was dependable and she gave an entusiactic, "Uh-Huh,"
 in her little-girl, Arkansas twang with the all-new nasal accoustics.

 Her boss asked if she was always on-time and could work late, if needed.
 Paula assured him she was, and she could.

 Then he asked her if she could type.
 (You saw this coming from a mile away, didn't you?)
 Paula said,  "I type a leettle, but not like no expert or nothin'."

 Her potential boss asked, "You're not one of those 'hunt 'n peckers,' are you?"

 Paula replied, "No Sir, I done learnt my lesson."

 She didn't get the job...

 From:  vance_everson@yahoo.com

 Subject: New advertiser for Dr. Slutinger

 Maybe the good people at JohnnyWalker Scotch can help out the good Dr.

 I'm sure the ad could take on a whole new meaning in the bible/divorce belt.

 Great Democratic Quotes

 "My friends, the Top Three reasons to vote for Al Gore are:

  3. The Supreme Court
  2. The Supreme Court and
  1. The Supreme Court"
     -- Barbara Streisand, after Demo-Con 2000 last month.

 From: Tipdeb123@aol.com

 Subject: New homepage

 I love the new homepage!!!!

 Deb T.

 From the mail I'm getting, it's the most popular home page yet.

 All praise to JennyQ1@aol.com
 She's been a pillar for the longest time.

 Today's Page Two Girl is married to which rock star?

 Click  Here

 . . . Harrying Hillary
     By Richard Cohen2/19/00

 NEW YORK -- Hillary Clinton's chief problem, her own strategists will tell
 you, is her inability to tell New Yorkers why she is running. After her
 debate with Rick Lazio last week she should no longer have that predicament.
 She's running to get away from Tim Russert and all he represents.

 Russert is among the best broadcast journalists we have--a great and
 industrious reporter and, almost always, a fair questioner. So it is a gauge
 of how poisonous Washington has become that he could ask Hillary--as her
 campaign chooses to call her--if she regrets "misleading the American
 people" about her husband's infidelity.

 Not since the old Saturday night fights has TV seen such a low blow.
 How did Hillary "mislead" the American people? For that, Russert went to the
 videotape and Hillary's January 1998 "Today" show interview with Matt Lauer.
 The interview occurred just six days after the Monica Lewinsky story broke.
 Hillary denied that her husband had carried on with a White House intern and
 famously attributed the scandal to "a vast right-wing conspiracy."

 But at the time, Hillary did not know the truth. No one has ever doubted her
 about that and, indeed, in his new book, "The Breach," my colleague Peter
 Baker reports that Bill Clinton ultimately dispatched his lawyer, David E.
 Kendall, to tell his wife what really happened. That was Aug. 13. "Only after
 Kendall laid the foundation did Clinton speak directly to his wife," Baker writes.

 As for the "vast right-wing conspiracy," there was one. With funding from
 Richard Scaife, the American Spectator set out to dig up dirt on Clinton.
 Its story about his womanizing prompted a certain "Paula" to come forward
 and denounce the magazine's reference to herself. She had never been Bill
 Clinton's girlfriend, Miss Jones said, but instead had been sexually harassed by
 him. That charge, later thrown out in court, led ultimately to Clinton's having to
 testify to his private life. He lied--but to questions irrelevant to his job.

 I have never excused Clinton either for his Oval Office shenanigans or, more
 important, for lying under oath. But his prosecution-cum-persecution became
 a pogrom by self-appointed journalistic and congressional moralists. It
 hardly mattered to them that Paula Jones's unsubstantiated charge of boorish
 behavior wound up as an inquisition in which the privacy of innocent people,
 (What crime did Lewinsky, her mother or her friends commit?) was  violated.
 Clinton's behavior was scandalous, but no threat to you and me.
 Not so that of his congressional and journalistic Torquemadas. In the cause
 of moral purity, they would throw the Constitution itself onto the fire.

 Russert's question provided Lazio with the perfect chance to prove he is a
 mensch, not a mouse. But instead of saying, "Hold on a minute, Tim," he
 virtually squealed his approval and got in an elbow of his own. To her
 attempt to link him to Newt Gingrich, he responded, "Mrs. Clinton, you of
 all people shouldn't try to make guilt by association." In one sentence, he
 failed both English and logic.

 Hillary, too, did not distinguish herself. Instead of using Russert's
 question to exhibit some real emotion, she said, "Well, you know, Tim, that
 was a very . . . painful time for me, for my family and for our country"--as
 if they were all equal to her. She was momentarily flustered, but a moment
 later she was back on message: "I didn't cast the votes that Newt Gingrich
 asked me to cast." I think you could feed her through a shredder and she
 would come out right on message.

 In the end, though, Hillary was the winner. Russert and Lazio once again
 turned her into a victim. She became the first woman in world history to be
 held accountable for her husband's cheating and, worse, for believing him.

 As for Lazio, his pugnacious ways, his process-server's strut across the stage to
 demand that Hillary sign a soft-money agreement she hadn't read, showed he is
 more bully than bright. In a typical assessment, Jeanne Kreuder, who was polled
 by the Buffalo News, likened Lazio to a "used car salesman."
 The polls pronounced Hillary the winner.

 In the end, the question that Hillary can't answer was answered for her by
 Russert and Lazio. She is running for the Senate in New York because she is
 running away from the legions of decency in Washington, not to mention a
 husband who hurt her so badly not even a country-western song could describe
 the pain. That may not be a good reason to run for the Senate in a state
 where she never lived, but if you watched the debate, you'd understand.
 She's seeking asylum.

 ha ha

 Have you ever been to the  bartcop.com  guestbook?

 Looks like my  Cardinals  are going to make the baseball playoffs.


 Does anyone want to earn $1000?
 I need you to hit Greg Maddox in the knee with a lead pipe.

 Half now, half after the job...

 From: ChrisNoSt@aol.com

 Subject: Reloading your page

 Bart dude,

 When i click on a link to one of your separate pages (like the she-thing reviews),
 then click the back button on the browser, i get a late.htm that is not the one
 i launched from - then i have to hit the reload button to get the "latest"


 Sounds like an X-File.

 I'll bet there's a fancy html fix for that,
 but anything besides "monkey type" is over my head.

 Kelly Preston says,

 Get a Leg Up...

 Read  bartcop.com  every day!

 Rat Talk

 Click  Here

 From:  kataghaway@cs.com

 Subject: The one-woman clarification service

 Dear Bartcop;

 Not that you asked but........
 As the one-woman clarification service I am royally compensated by no
 one, but I specialize in clarifying what the Vice President said since
 the press and the RNC work so hard to distort it.

 At an appearance before a Latino political group the veep was JOKING
 and said "...you know my grandson, Wyatt Gore Schiff,  was born on
 the Fourth of July (ed. note --TRUTH) maybe I can arrange for the
 next one to be born on Cinco de Mayo!"   Got a big laugh!

 When one of Bushie's (ed. note: yes! Pickles really does call him that) press
 followers mentioned it to him on the plane he turned to an aide and said
 "Isn't that pathetic?" --as if the veep was serious and
 making some sort of campaign promise.

 Always on call


 I'm a bad person

 I asked Peter, from Australia, to contribute this 'n that from down there
 while the Olympics were underway, and then his stuff got buried.

 I have located one of his reports:

 Click  Here

 I will attempt to locate more.

 Sorry, Peter.

 The Yessterbunny  has sent a picture of the Weasel King who's stalking that
 liar George Nethercutt of Washington state, the Republican who PROMISED
 to serve three terms, maximum, but then said "fuck it" to that promise.

 I haven't seen a newspaper in a while.
 I just saw yesterday's USA Today and I noticed that
 the air in Houston is still rated "UNHEALTHY."

 Hey, Smirk.
 Are you running on the Brown Party?

 Can't you ask your buddies at Big Oil to stop pumping tons of
 pollution into the Texas air at least until you're  (ha ha)  elected president?

 Great Smirk on Oprah Quotes

 "I got lucky in the gene pool."

  Someone peed in the pool, George...

 "Smart comes in many different ways."

  ha ha

  Can you name two?

 Paul Begala Shoots the Bull

 That could be the screaming headline this morning. In an interview on Fox News
 last night, George W. Bush said he would accelerate his humongous tax cut in a
 recession. His exact words were:

 "If the economy turns south, that's a reason to accelerate the tax cut. See, I
 come from the school of thought that during a recession, it's important to
 give people more money back faster. That may cause us to run a short-term
 deficit, but the fundamental question is how do you cause the economy to
 grow.... A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes (Yes, he really said
 "anecdotes" instead of "antidotes"!) to coming out of an economic illness."

 ha ha

 Editor's Note: If it's important to have tax cuts in a recession, it follows that
 tax cuts are NOT important during a boom like the one Clinton gave us.
 So, let's use that money to pay the debt.

 I couldn't make this stuff up: It turns out that Bush, who loves to lecture
 the rest of us about morality, was for ten years a member of the board of
 directors of a film company that made some 80 "R" rated movies, including
 'The Hitcher", which supposedly shows a woman being cut in half by a deranged

 Ediotr's Note: The woman isn't cut, she's torn in half after being tied
 to a truck and the truck drives away.

 When I asked Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer about it on last night's show, he said
 (with a straight face) that as a member of the board of directors, Bush could not be
 held responsible for the films the company made.  And yet he wants Democratic
 politicians to be responsible for what their contributors in Hollywood produce.
 This is just the latest example of Bush's complete and utter lack of personal responsibility.
 How he can pontificate about ushering in "The Responsibility Era" without being struck
 down by a lightning bolt is beyond me.

 Finally, a quasi-personal note: Vice President Gore's campaign has asked me to
 assist Gore in preparing for the debates by playing George W. Bush in mock
 debate sessions. I'm honored and thrilled to have been asked and am looking
 forward to the challenge. I'll spend the next several days reading briefing
 books, watching tapes, studying Bush's rhetoric and mannerisms. And then,
 just before each mock debate, I'm going to have someone hit me over the head
 with a baseball bat.

 ha ha

 From:  skisics@yahoo.com

 Subject:  Cathy Freeman


 Cathy Freeman is scheduled for the 400 heats on Friday, finals next Monday.

 skisics surus

 I'm there, Dude.

 ha ha

 Smirk's managed to piss off the rat vote, too.

 The Collapse of the Right
 Sent in by Michael at hippie58michaelg@netscape.net

 It's sad when someone's faith is shattered.
 From the very pro-Smirk site http://www.bsnn.net/

 I was an unshaken supporter of Bush's up until I saw that video footage of him saying
 "subliminalbly" over and over. I have defended  his intelligence to those who doubt it,
 but that footage is undeniable, and must be addressed or it will erode his ability to be
 elected and govern if elected, as it permeates popular culture and solidifies as an
 accurate caricature of the man.

 If there is a reason for these unbelievably inane slips of the tongue then the Bush
 people need to let us know about it, instead of acting like the problem doesn't exist.
 The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. If these dumbassed
 verbal slips were a one time occurrence then I wouldn't care. But they are
 endemic in a campaign that now seems as though it is trying to lose. I don't speak
 Spanish, but I would be interested in knowing if he mispronounces "subliminal" in
 Spanish as well. He must let us know why it is that at times he talks as though
 English is a third language.

 I suspect there is a reason because I don't believe he is a dumbass. I think that
 perhaps the Governor has a tendency to get a little nervous from time to time in
 certain situations, and I think that his nervousness translates into verbal chaos.

 ha ha
 That, or his mouth is a window to his mental chaos.

 If true, it's no big deal and the Bush campaign ought to just say so. It's certainly
 a better impression to leave than the one that is left by saying nothing.

 Late last week, Rush Limbaugh tried to rally his listeners by equating the support
 for a political candidate to the support for an athletic team. So despite my fears
 and anxiety, I will try to be supportive and positive toward GW's quest, but this
 is a two way street. You've got to give me a reason to be enthusiastic, Governor.
 You've got to score sometime. And you've got to stop allowing yourself to be put
 in the position of legitimately being thought of as a dumbass.

 Because if you lose this election, the blame will be squarely on your shoulders.

 Sidney at http://www.bsnn.net/

 Sidney, sorry to hear you're backing a loser.
 I used to know how that felt, but lately, I forget.

 ha ha

 The Martyr's show, as review in St Louis:

 KTVI (Channel 2)

 * "Dr. Laura" (noon weekdays; premiered this week).

 If any publicity is good publicity, Channel 2 couldn't have
 bought the hype generated by protests against "Dr." Laura
 Schlessinger over anti-gay remarks and other intolerant
 statements on her radio show.

 Everything about Schlessinger makes my skin crawl, from her
 self-righteous dismissal of other viewpoints to her
 condescending lectures on morality to those cutesy faces she
 makes into the camera. But, perhaps running scared, the radio
 pop-shrink stuck to standard-issue topics -- teens and drugs
 on Monday, infidelity on Tuesday -- in her first two TV appearances.

 Oprah does this stuff much better. Rather than provoking
 thought, "Dr. Laura" plays heavily to those who already agree
 with her. But her worst offense, so far, is being a bore.

 Does anyone know when Cathy Freeman,
 the Joe Lewis of the 21st Century,
 the Jesse Owens of the new millenium,
 is scheduled to win her gold medal?

 I don't want to miss that.


 If Gore is "part and parcel" of the "most corrupt administration in history,"
 why is he leading Smirk 37-35 in the "more truthful" category?


 If Gore is such a cold and boring animatron,
 why is he leading Smirk 44-37 on "personally likeable" category?

 Usa Today, Sept 18, Page 8A

 Advertisers who have fled Dr. Laura's TV show:

 Renaissance Cruises,
 Kaiser Permanente,
 Unilever (Brummel & Brown),
 America's Best Eyewear,
 Tri-City Sporting Goods (CA),
 Les Vogel Dodge (CA),
 Luxor Resort & Casino,
 Brentwood Volvo,
 Stonestreet Capital,
 Starpower Internet,
 Long John Silver's,
 Jacoby & Meyers,
 Closet World,
 John Corzine for Senate (NJ),
 Bally Total Fitness.

 So, what does that leave her?

 Dr. Laura's now-infamous homophobia has reduced her to doing business with
 such stellar advertisers such as, constipation medicines, feminine hygiene products,
 dubious-sounding financial services, order-by-phone Yanni CDs and the winner,
 a Tarot-card-by-phone scam that only gets calls from ditto-heads. We might see
 Ron Popeil pop up, and maybe the latest compilation by K-Tel.

 I haven't seen the She-Thing's TV show.
 From all acoounts, and I mean that literally, it's a borefest, but I have a question:
 With univerally-bad reviews, the individual stations are whining that they're
 bound contractually to run this show for two years.

 I am not an attorney, but that just can't be true.

 Every performer/entertainer/actor has in every contract that should some
 "moral terptitude" rear it's head, the contract becomes null and void.

 This means if Jay Leno pulls an OJ on his wife, local stations, trust me,
 have the options not to run the tonight show. If Letterman came out in favor
 of stomping puppies, local stations are off the hook.

 These contracts are written with intentionally-vague language, like the US Constitution,
 so juries can decide what's "moral" if it makes it to court.

 Any station that wants to drop the self-pitying martyr can do so immediately,
 and don't believe them if they claim they're stuck with her for two years.
 You give me a jury of twelve and I'll convince them the station HAD to drop
 the moralizing leg-spreader to stay in business because she's too Hitler-ish.

 No jury is going to side with Hitler and Laura.

 Another Bush subliminable ad.

 Who sent it?

 In the Back Mail,
 I found some good Joe Conason:

 Click  Here

  ha ha

  Laura should be sending money to Linda Tripp.
  If not for Linda,
  Laura would be the most hated woman in America.

 Mail Box Full
 I'm going thru some back mail, deleting what I can.
 If you sent something that bounced, please send it again.

 I'm finding some interesting stuff tho, like  http://www.gore-in-context.org/

 I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the mail problems go away.
 It drives me crazy knowing how much I'm missing, like that e-mailer from
 France who worked for Rush might spawn a whole series of good stories.
 It drives me crazy wondering what else is buried in the pile.

 I guess if I bought a mail program, instead of trying to do this for free
 it might be smoother - any suggestions?

 Major Finds

 Nobody in the GOP could object to this ad because,
 as they told us many times about how these kinds of ads work,
 since the offending word is only there for a second,
 only a cry-baby would object to something subliminable.

 Someone sent me this - and I don't know who.
 It was in my "Attachment" box.
 Please identify yourself, so I can give you credit/blame :)

 More Finds

 From: Voltai29@geocities.com

 Subject:  #A Rare Editorial Comment From Volt

 Saturday, September 2, 2000

 As we enter the Labor Day Holiday weekend Al Gore is expanding his lead
 over the Boozing, Coke Snorting, Oil Soaked, Frat Boy.

 This race can best be summed up by the two candidates' schedules
 over this last summer holiday weekend.

 Dubya will be spending his holiday weekend on his ranch licking his
 considerable wounds. Al Gore will be spending his holiday weekend visiting
 with the people as they celebrate working hard for a prosperous America.

 I will continue to keep you updated on the events leading up to Election Day and beyond.

 NOTE: I have purchased a bottle of what I consider to be the finest tequila
 available, Chinaco Anejo (I blame Bart Cop for my expensive new tastes).
 I will raise a glass with you all  in victory come election night.

 Thank you all for subscribing. We are a much larger group today
 than we were a year ago and getting bigger!


 Ediotr's Note: Volt runs the Internet's top news service.
 This was a "rare" editorial comment because he just gives the news.
 Unlike Fox, Pigboy and others, he doesn't "fix" the news.
 He just grabs stories off the wire services and mails them to you
 hours or days before the slices of dead trees show up on your porch.

 Fot the best in free, instant and whore-free news,
 send e-mail to voltai29@geocities.com

  September 19, 2000
 Houston "all choked up" over top smog score of the year

 Monday afternoon Houston recorded the highest one-hour ozone reading in
 the nation for the entire year with a measurement of 225 parts per billion,
 exceeding the federal EPA ozone standard by a full 100 ppb.

 For more, visit  http://www.texastruth.com/

 There are so many good anti-Smirk sites.
 What will they do on November 8th?

 Great Presidential Quotes
    Had to Get This on the Record

 When they took a torch to me and lit a fire,
 you brought the buckets and poured the water.
 Thank you! Thank you!"

 President Clinton, to the Congressional Black Caucus

 From: captn_television@yahoo.com


 Forcing myself to watch, I tuned into the first week
 of Dr. Laura's new TV show on the You Peein' Network.

 What I saw were the worst things imaginable that can
 happen on Television. Dryness, dullness, contrivance,
 and good ol' plain fakery.

 I wondered at times looking at Dr. Laura, if she has
 some horrible disease eating away at her or something
 biologically wrong has happened and she's become
 anorexic. The woman is positively skeletal.

 The first show had an unsuspecting audience of "real"
 people who when not nodding off were hostile belligerent,
 or silent. The fuse box overloaded from too much electrical
 strain from using the "Applause " sign.

 The first five shows included the topics, drugs,
 Internet affairs, working parents, ethical challenges,
 and Internet porn in "lewd libraries." No mention was
 made in this subject of her own porn on the Internet.

 During the opening of the show on moral challenges,
 the doc ran a clip of the unabomber's brother David
 turning him in. I thought, "okay we'll get to hear
 from David about his angst doing this." Wrong letter
 bomb breath! Instead we hear from a mom who turned her
 son in for robbery. Ha! Would the doc have turned her
 precious little one in so he could spend time with the
 punks in LA County? She says, "I would do that in a
 blink, and anybody who know me knows, I MEAN THAT!
 Sure you would mommy dearest. Too bad you couldn't
 turn yourself in for lewd Internet porn. It's always
 easier to rat(s) someone else out.

 The doc comes across as cold, rigid and didactic. Mrs.
 Mom tries the phony batting her eyelids, pretending to
 be charming and using the "friendly voice." I had to
 take a shower after all that BS.

 In the high "screeching voice" she bitches on and on,
 she's so right, and you're not, her God is better than
 your God, it's repulsive. After the show she shakes
 hands with the audience, many who plainly look like
 they have spotted dog doo on their hands afterward. I
 did notice she will hug and kiss many of the younger,
 dark men. Dr. Freud, what do you have to say about
 that? "Hmmmm."

 Here is a Captn Television prediction. As the ratings
 go down, the gay bashing and hate rhetoric will go up.
 This show will soon follow the Rush Limbaugh
 television show into the cesspool of TVland oblivion.


 Mail Seen at the  stopdrlaura.com  site

 "Society needs to stop being apathetic to fags and queers.
  We support Dr. Laura in her effort to enlighten listeners everywhere.
  If only she would talk about the detrimental effects niggers have on this earth,
  I would probably have a poster of her on my wall!"
      - Jason in  Columbus, Ohio

 Isn't Laura wonderful?
 Making a million dollars a month throwing gasoline on the fires of bigotry?
 Paramount must be so proud of her.

  Also, went sent another
 Review by Rick Kushman

 From: Hades976@aol.com

 Subject: No, he isnt a homophobe

 Found this. Sounds like ol' Tolerant limbaugh mocking the gay community by
 pulling some bullshit story about gays.

 I have no idea when this was, im only guessing it was back in his "make fun
 of nigger and faggot" days in Sacramento


 Click  Here  to download the MP3 - 1.3 meg

 Click  Here  to hear it as a ram file - 2.4 meg

 I was surprised that this shocked me.
 It's not only the "aren't gays loveable?" hate-sarcasm he's using,
 but he's bursting with the pure enjoyment of bringing the news to you.

 After some gay-hate, he plays the "gay theme song," ...but he lets it play.
 He doesn't let it play long enough to set the gay mood,
 .....he let's it go on and on.

 He's listening to Klaus sing, "You've been a bad boy," and all the while,
 knowing he has (back then) thousands of gays haters cheering him on,
 and apparently very willing to "slip into" the gay world for a short visit,
 he's relaxing, listening to the music, letting his mind float...

 My question is, while he's alone, and in the dark, what's Rush's right hand doing?
 He seems to be getting off on the ultra-gay German barking orders to him
 while telling his Bay-area listeners how destructive "those people," are.

 Does he protest too much?

 He's never sounded uglier.
 He's never sounded happier.

 Everybody Hates a Harpy (w/Update)

 This is nearly as much fun as watching Smirk bite it.
 Check out the plethora of horrible, horrible reviews
 on the LA She-Thing's horrid excuse for a talk show.

 Review by Mike Duffy

 Review by David Blanculli

 Review by David Kronke

 Review by Jennifer Christman

 Review by Robert Bianco   (update)

 Matt Roush (who is gay) should review Harp's show, too.
 Matt punches like fucking Hagler.
 When I said Tom Shales was #1, that's the generally accepted opinion.
 But for my money, Roush is King.
 I can't wait.

 Each one more scathing, searing and scalding than the last.
 Not all of these people has Tom Shales's talent, but that's OK.
 Have you ever seen a more universally-hated, self-important ho?

 If you find a review of Laura the Martyr's TV show, please send it.
 Except for reviews by Michael Medved, Fox News etc.
 They wrote their glowing reviews before she stepped in front of a camera.

 Special thanks to Allan at worrf@hotmail.com
 for sending the batch o' bad reviews.

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