Volume 347 - Smirk's mandate

 December 2, 2000 

 Josh the Hoople 

 Oooooooooooooklahoma football will be Number One until at least the bowl games.
 They beat Wildcat's Wildcats, but not by a lot.
  Sorry, Wildcat.

 Next time Oklahoma plays football, we'll actually be in the third modern Millenium.
 (By the way, since this is the REAL Millenium change, want to do something?)

 Last year, we didn't even have the Chat Room and the Forum.
 Could be an unexpensive way not to get killed New Year's Eve.

 Great Presidential Quotes

 "Do you have a best friend?
   Is he smarter than you?
   Do you trust him with your life?
     ...that's your Chief of Staff."

   --President Bartlet to his Sec of Agriculture, just before a State of the Union speech.

 Interesting feedback on language/nudity

 Click  Here

 By the way, most people may know, but the Richard Pryor Box Set mentioned above?
 It's called, "...and it's deep, too."

 Have you heard that old joke?

 Two men are in a bass boat in the middle of the lake. They both have to relieve themselves,
 so they both stand up and go at the same time facing different directions.
 One guy tries to be cute, so he says, "Damn, this water's cold."

 And his fishing buddy says, ....

From:  abbau@msn.com

Subject: The Strom Thurmond Factor


As it stands now there will be a 50-50 split in the Senate.  But if the oldest living
confederate veteran takes his place in line to stoke the coals of the big red machine,
the governor of Carolina will choose his successor.  The Governor of Carolina is a Democrat.
Now i am not one to suggest ways of helping people shuffle off the mortal coil but i think that
since Thurmond is active duty military reserve Clinton has his ass called up and sent to Haiti.


ha ha

Or Bosnia.

 That great actor who's joining The Sopranos?
 The correct spelling is Joe Pantoliano - and he was in The Matrix.

I saw Matrix, sorta, so I don't remember Joe's part
but he'll be damn good on The Sopranos which starts TOMORROW NIGHT!
(Not the Pantoliano episodes, they start in march)

Thanks to Mike K

 Cool - some feedback

 Click  Here

 Speaking of The Sopranos, did you catch Robert Klein's HBO Special tonight?

 Before he went onstage, Klein was getting ready and Furio, the most feared
 enforcer in Tony Sopranos's mob showed up back stage and asked Klein if
 he'd do that 40-year old bit, "I can't stop my leg."

 Klein lied that he hadn't planned to do "Stop my leg," but Furio told him
 if he didn't sing it, Klein wouldn't be able to FIND his leg after the show.

 Usually that crap doesn't work, but I think the nation wants a distraction REAL BAD right now,
 like when Mark McGwire helped us out in the Republican cock-crazy summer of 1998.

 The whole country has Sopranos Fever!


 We thought it was gone forever, but I found it on an old Zip disk.

 Bernie, our own Bernie, got on Pigboy's show one day.
 First, he softened him up with some necessary blather, ...and then he pounced.
 He backed Captain Pork into a corner and made him eat it.

 Bernie, you did good!

 Click Here  to hear what mean, mean Bernie did to Rush

From: WMerc48948@aol.com

Subject: Richard P & Chris Rock

You know Mr.Pryor was the first recipient of the Mark Twain Award.
They are just waiting for Chris Rock to get a little older to give it to him.
To me, he is the most funniest & most perceptive of comics out there.
BSNBC had a report on political humor last week, didn't do any of his stuff.
Too black & too blue for them.

Merc, well put.
So far, nobody has disagreed that Rock's take on Florida
has been the best political comedy of the year.

And yes, "fuck Florida" has a bad word in it, but Twain said
"Brevity is wit," and in a nutshell, that phrase sums up what most people think
about the ultra-Republican state that's fixing this election for the unelected Smirk.

 Smirk's Mandate

 I haven't seen this, but someone told me about it.
 There's a SNL skit when Will Ferrell is playing Smirk at a press conference.

 Reporter: Governor, does this election mean you have a mandate?

 Smirk:  Well, that's something we don't talk about a lot here at the ranch.
              When I was 37, Pickles and I were having some marital difficulties, so I accepted
              a man date with a nice young fellow. There wasn't much to it, besides a nice
              dinner with lively conversation and a disgusting kiss at the end of the evening.

From: dt_data@hotmail.com

Hey BC!

I found this piece of 'truth in journalism'

"Curiously, the Republicans and Democrats actually seem to share the same
 central premise, which is that if enough votes get counted Gore will win."
   -Bruce Shapiro

Also, Smirk assures us that, despite a history of heart problems and his recent
"slight" heart attack, Oil Slick is fully capable of assuming the role of President.

Is he kidding?
Monica would've killed him!!

ha ha

 What was said:

"The greatest work of American pop culture in the last quarter century."

 About what:

 The Sopranos season that starts tomorrow night.

 By whom:

 The New York Whore Times

 Hey, they may be political whores who live to please Edward R. Drudge,
  but they know their TV.

From: seanog@metconnect.com

Subject: various

Dear Bartcop:

Happy "Rosa Parks" - and AIDS Awareness - day.

I checked out  Cunningham.com - that BUSH CHEated T-shirt was too cool - but he does
anti- Democratic images, too. The pix you run on your site (anti-GOFP) are often killer;
but he is a whore. He's  not "one of us," so he will get not a penny of my money.
He's a war profiteer. Frankly, now that I know what he's about,
I'm disappointed you run his stuff so frequently.

Whoa, take a breath...
Not that he needed my permission, but a while back Kevin wrote to me saying he was
thinking about doing cartoons for both sides and he asked my opinion. I told him I
didn't see anything wrong with it unless he turned vicious and started doing toons
about Clinton the baby-killing rapist.

Granted, we're currently in an extremely serious fulcrum in our history, but most of
the time politics is so full of petty bullshit that all you can do is laugh at both sides.
My recommendation would be that if Cunningham does a toon that you think is
below the belt, write to him and tell him.

I must admit I've purposefully held off donating to you.
It would be great to have our own version of "NewsMax" or "Lucianne.com" etal,
and you are just about everything for which a proud Democrat could ask.
You're smart - and a smart-ass - your're informed, reasonable, and utterly on the money.
But I've had reservations (for one thing, I mull things over for a long while before making
a decision - as one who used to be wildly impulsive, I've found that deliberation almost always pays).

I've not, for one thing, been able to recommend your site to female friends, because of the
"page two" and "leg up" girls.  I appreciate this, but I doubt many women would.

This is very, very confusing to me.
Let's you and I smoke a peace pipe and try to see each other's point of view.
In my opinion, the pictures I run are often less revealing or offensive than the
covers of magazines at the supermarket such as Cosmo or Vogue or whatever.
If the Page Two Girls are offensive, how do people buy groceries these days?

Are you saying those pictures are vulgar?
Are you saying pictures of sexy women are repulsive?
Besides the Laura/GOP pictures, I only remember running one other nude (Heather Locklear)
and that was to make a point about her being a right-wing Hillary-hating, but good-looking sow.

I remember in the mid-sixties, LIFE Magazine ran a story with pictures about the new
(and stupid-looking) topless bathing suits for women.
These swimming suits were so sexless, they did nothing, for me and I'm like 13 at the time.
Hell, that may've been the first nudity I ever saw.
That was almost 35 years ago, and that was LIFE Magazine.
It was a news article and they ran it.
Are normal people still in that "all nudity is bad" mindset?
This is very confusing to me.

And you work quite "blue;" this stops me from telling young and old Democrats about you.

Something tells me we (not necessarily me and you) need to have a once-and-for-all
open discussion about this subject. As  bartcop.com  grows and gets new fans,
that topic is coming up more and more.

I will attempt to use my skills as a debater, linquist, courtroom general and all-round
bad person to ask several questions. These questions will have numbers for easy referral.

1. Have you allowed HBO, Cinemax or Showtime into your home?
2. Have you ever been to a Bruce Willis movie like Die Hard?
3. Have you ever been to a Mel Gibson movie like Lethal Weapon?
4. Have you ever enjoyed a cable performance by Robin Williams, Richard Pryor,
    Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Bill Maher, Sam Kinison, George Carlin, Adam Sandler, etc etc etc.
5. Have you ever read a publication like Rolling Stone?
6. Have you ever told a dirty joke?
7. Have you ever seen an episode of The Sopranos?
8. Have you seen South Park?

Let me hear from you, and use the numbers, please.

If you answered "yes" to any of those questions, I feel an explantion is due.

On another tack, have you ever listened to the vulgar Pigboy?
When he does Monica gagging-on-a-penis jokes, that offends me.
When he does Al Gore incest jokes, that offends me.
When he does his Monica's-cigars-smell-like-fish jokes, that offends me.
When he tells his impressionable sheep that Hillary murdered Vince Foster, that offends me.
When he drags God's name into the political cesspool, that offends me,
 but for some reason the "Christian community" has no problem with it.

What's my point?
Rush is more vulgar with his G-rated language than I am full-throttle.

Lay Leno, who I used to like, is constantly doing jokes about drinking urine,
about animal sex, about eating human excrement, and I'm much cleaner than that.
You can be extra-vulgar using TV-friendly words.

But when I write a story with tears in my eyes about this Democratic convention
having so few highlights because MLK and JFK and RFK aren't there due to the
Republicans putting fucking bullets in their brains, that should offend everybody.

Reminder: this is not meant as an attack. I'm not talking about you or your friends,
but a generic someone who might be offended by the English most Americans use.
I'm trying to find out where the average non-ditt draws the line.

If artistic integrity is more important than the fact that you could perhaps have the #1 Democratic
activist/humor page on the WWW (with the coming Smirk administration, loads of folks will be
looking for a place where the moron is mocked on a daily basis) or if you feel that changes
would cramp your style, I understand. What you are now doing is fine; I visit several times
each day, keep it up. Yours is my favorite site.

Thank you.
I guess I could be convinced to work cleaner, but when you look at that list I made,
I think I'm pretty mainstream. I don't think I'm too adult for high-school-aged people,
but yes, this is not a children's publication.

Bartcop.com could be SO much more. This is a unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
We are going to have a GOFP idiot in the White House. He'll say "subliminable" at least
once a week. It'll be like having Dan Quayle in the Oval Office (except that Cheney will
actually run the country, which is - strangely - comforting). Think about it.

I promise I will.
bartcop.com  has grown about 1000 percent in the last year.
Of course, when you're teeny-tiny, growth like that isn't unexpected.

BushWatch and AmPol and Rackjite are good, but they don't update on a daily basis.
Daily Brew is gone. There are NO ( 0 ) Liberal fun sites, besides yours.
Not that I'm aware of, anyway.

Let me know if there is anything I can do, from Brooklyn, NY, to help you.

I believe it's time to start thinking big.
50 million Americans are about to get screwed by the GOFP; someone has to stand up
and speak for them (and, by the way, make a fortune doing so!).
There are NO good Democratic sites on the WWW, besides yours.
Everyone recommends you as the best, why not take this as far as it can go?

En contrare!
There are many Demo sites better than this one, but there are all more serious.
bartcop.com  is like Capitol Gang with a little seltzer in your pants.
I'll tell you, I get a ton of mail saying I'd be rich if I switched sides.
Remember, Gennifer Flowers testified she was on her third million.

Drop the cheesecake and the (explitive deleted)s (hasn't most your recent mail suggested the same?),
maybe delegate some things to others, maybe become a bit more of a "news" site (add links to news sites
- NY Times, AP, etc), and before long you'll be in the Top 20 sites, no doubt. Then you'll be able to sell ads,
solicit donations, etc.

I'm no expert at this stuff - I'm a bookkeeper for a charity.
But there is a market for a liberal rallying site, as one does not currently exist.

Just a suggestion, hopefully encouraging.

A lot of what you said makes sense.
I appreciate your imput.
Thanks for the note.

 Bad Language Alert

Nigger Robs Bank
 Lenny Kravitz mistaken for bank robber

(Launch) - Lenny Kravitz was temporarily detained by Miami Beach police last Friday
after being mistaken for a bank robber, the New York Daily News reported.   Kravitz was
handcuffed and his fitness trainer pinned to a gate by police after they left a neighborhood gym.

"My trainer tried to tell them who I was but I was in sweats and had no ID with me," Kravitz said.
"They said they were looking for a black with an Afro and a beard. I hadn't shaved in a couple of days,
so they obviously thought it was me," Kravitz added.

Kravitz was released after an employee of the bank was unable to identify him.
"I have dealt with all kinds of things because of my color," Kravitz said, "but nothing like this."

This is funny as hell, and the report comes in on Richard Pryor's birthday.
One of the best measures of a comic's genius is how long a joke stays with you.
For 25 years, I've been repeating this Richard Pryor joke, and it's become part of my
regular vocabulary, along with Blazing Saddles, 3 Stooges, The Godfather, Pulp Fiction etc.

Pryor did this great bit about being pulled over by a racist cop.
"Freeze, nigger, or I'll blow your mother-fucking brains out!
  Nigger looked  just like you robbed a liquor store near here."

 (It was so much funnier when Richard did it)

 Richard's hands were in the air, so the cop could see them, and he's trembling at the
 thought of this crazy white cop shooting him for looking  "just like" that other nigger.
 "You got some ID, boy?"

 So, slowly, slowly, slowly, Richard started lowering his left hand saying, in a very slow,
 very exaggerated drawn-out cadence so alllllll the witnesses could hear:

 "I,     ......am reaching,      .......into my wallet,      ......for my driver's license,
  because we don't want no mother-fuckin' MIS-take."

 I've been doing that bit forever, and Mrs BC laughs every time, Koresh bless her.
 I wish I knew more about how comedy actually worked.
 I recognize some things the greats do, and I give them my own names,
 (I do the same for guitar players) but what Richard was doing here was giving whitey
 a good look inside a black man's mind when being pulled over by white cops.

 Before Richard Pryor, most comics told jokes.
 My wife's cooking is so bad,
 My friend is so ugly,
 My mother is law is so fat,
 Then Richard came along and told stories about his life and people he knew...
 When Richard told a story it was like reading a good book, a damn funny book.
 He would take you there.

 "I,     ......am reaching,      .......into my wallet,      ......for my driver's license."

 The panic in his voice seemed so real, he sold that story.
 But wasn't that part of Richard's genius?
 What other comic could so fully pull you into his world?

 When a guy like me sees Richard doing that joke, my first reaction is,
 "Well, hell, just hand him your license," but maybe Richard knew a brother who was shot
 because he reached for his wallet a little too fast. Seems like that happened in New York
 just last year. I wish I knew that man's name, but I don't.

 But that's why I give Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and others a break:
 I've never had black skin. I have no idea what that's like.
 People have to know me a few minutes before they start hating me, but you can
 hate a black man when he's still a quarter-mile away from meeting you.
 Who am I to tell Jesse or the Rev Al that they play the race card too much or too quick?

 Today's Richard Pryor - Chris Rock - does this joke:
 "Who in this room would trade places with me?" and nobody raises their hand.
 "Shit, I'm a millionaire, and don't no broke-dick white man want to trade places with me,
    because I'm black, and you don't wanna be no damn millionaire nigger."

 But Lenny, I wasn't laughing at you, buddy.
 I was laughing because the same shit that happened 25 years ago is happening today.
 At least Lenny came out of it without getting shot.

 ...and Happy Birthday to Richard Pryor, who turned 60 today!

 Read the story of the time we "met" Richard Pryor.

 Great Democratic Quotes

 "We know W. was born on third base.
   The question now is, can he steal home?"
   -- Paul Begala

 Tally Briggs / Actress at Large

 Click  Here

 A Bush family slip-up

 "I'm trying to stay out of politics," the former president said.
 "Stay off the stage, leave this to George and his very capable team.
  Leave it to Jeb and his equally capable team."

 The admission that Jeb and his "capable team" were taking care of the
 family's political business in Florida clashed with the official story
 of Jeb as uninvolved - and the ex-president quickly caught himself.

 Click  Here

 Got a web site for you:


 Get in on the Florida boycott.

From: RobnNet@aol.com

Subject: Pigboy's Damp Rid fetish

Damp Rid is owned by Tetra Techonolgies.
Tetra Technologies is a specialty inorganic chemical  company selling
products, services & process technologies to  a variety of markets, including
energy, agricultural, wafer  treatment, industrial, cement, food processing and others.

For the 9 months ended 9/00, revenues rose 19% to $191.7M.
Earnings before accounting change fell 77% to $4.4M.
Results reflect improved plug & abandonment ops., offset by the
absence of $35.6M in gains on business and building sales.

TETRA Technologies, Inc.
25025 I-45 North
The Woodlands,  TX  77380
Phone: (281) 367-1983
Fax: (281) 364-4306

 Paul Begala explains Friday at the big court

 Click  Here

From: MRCCHI@aol.com

Subject: How about some men?

Bartcop, as long as I'm going to hell anyway for being a liberal, could you
put some semi-salacious photos of good looking young guys on page 2?

We older ladies deserve some fun, too!

Well, maybe this one time I could help you out...
 I wouldn't want to get "a reputation," but I do have one
 salacious picture that I think some women might say is pretty hot.

Today's Page Two Boy is kinda Spooky

Click Here

 Thanks to Chris!

 ( I erased your name, sorry, Dude)

 Open Letter to Governor Smirk
  by David Glazer

 Click  Here

 The Reverse Dubya Universe

 Click  Here

 by  BSmasher@flash.net

Perhaps Brain Smasher could be taken more seriously if he wasn't stacking the
bricks of plagiarism securely in the cement of original thinking.

While not bereft of hope, one should start looking ahead to the fact Cokeboy,
starring as the political joke, may have been elected president. Were this
event to happen, should we, The Mighty Democrats, take the high road and
offer acceptance and reconciliation to the conservative brown-shirt goon
squads that helped to illegally elect a republican junta, led by a convicted
criminal and his man killing wife?

Take the high road?
Wrong butterfly ballot breath!

If yet another recount  holds up in Washington State, the US Senate will once again be in the
kind and gentle hands of the Democrats. The House will have a very slim margin of repugs,
however, they have been eating each others young lately and I expect them to remain in disarray.

"He's not my president!" Man, how I have longed to say these words and I expect to with
alarming frequency. My term for the republican president will be, Piñata Presidency.
Picture George Bush as a piñata.
I do.

             The Juarez children made a Gov. G. Bush pinata,
                       ...and guess what they did to him?

Taking my out my metaphorical "Big Willie" stick,
I intend to bash this insectia piñata, hard, regular, and often.

Don't cry for us Texas, not yet. Smirk claims not to be a Washington, DC insider,
but the tone of his voice sounds like Calista Flockhart saying she just has a fast metabolism.
WHACK, so you want cabinet appointments, another WHACK, investigating the illegal ballots
in Seminole county, CRACK, Can Waldo find where Cheney lives,  SMACK, you want a tax cut,
I got your tax cut, right here!

If this sounds like political madness taking a toll on me, well you are in luck, cause I have the exact change.
Two years to get the house back, WHACK, a one term presidency, DOUBLE CRACK.

Dubya's conscience may be the one part of his psyche that has dissolved in alcohol,  but not mine.
Taking Big Willie style liberal swings at this spinning piñata of insectia, I intend to bust it open to
see how many rancid candies spill from its guts.

More Stuff   from  bc_publish@yahoo.com  and 'toons, too.

 Seven-of-Nine says,

 Don't get behind...

Read  bartcop.com  every day!

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was so good, Smirk tried to shut me down!

 Go Home to  bartcop.com

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