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The GOP Dogfight Begins
 How will we know who to root for? 


Two remarkable events occurred over the past month that, taken together, give us all
some idea of the forces gathering even now among Republicans and conservatives as
they begin the long - and, if you're a political consultant or a local TV station in Nashua,
New Hampshire, very lucrative - process of trying to find someone to run against Obama.

The first is a now marginally viral video of a focus group brought together for Sean Hannity by
Frank Luntz, the boyish charlatan who's been concocting spin for conservative candidates and
causes for what seems like a century now, but who still manages to look like the evil Cleaver brother.

ha ha

 I think he bears a resemblance to the vulgar Pigboy.
 Photo by

Anyway, Luntz got a group together made up of people who are likely to be voting in the
Iowa caucuses, a quadrennial gathering of snowbound Caucasians given entirely too much
responsibility for winnowing the field of candidates prior to the whole shebang's moving along
to the even crankier white people of New Hampshire. An unhealthy number of the people in
the group told Luntz that they believed that the president was a Muslim. This made even
Luntz's wattles quiver, and Hannity felt compelled to step in and explain that, as far as he
was concerned, the president was not a follower of The Prophet, but merely an adherent to
a radical form of Christianity devoted to the Gospel According to John Shaft.

Not long before Luntz gathered this group of our more mal-informed fellow primates,
the new Republican majority in the Missouri state legislature made one of its first orders
of business the repeal of a ballot initiative that established a series of regulations governing
the state's notorious "puppy mills." Yes, there are conservative legislators out in the American
heartland who take it upon themselves to go against the expressed will of the electorate in
order to come out in favor of torturing puppies. Of course, many of these people likely will
be delegates to Nazicon 2012, where they will choose a nominee and, if there is a just god
paying attention, get bitten in the balls by a police dog.

That is pretty much your Republican primary process right there.
Suddenly, hereditary monarchy has a certain rational je ne sais quoi.

So, the Rethugs think stopping the torture of animals is "too much government."

Funny, when it comes to drugs or abortion or Janet Jackson's right nipple or
Howard Stern's language, the GOP thinks the government is TOO SMALL.

It's almost like they're fucking crazy or something.



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