Bart Embraces Voodoo
Ok, so I'm an old
man who types 10-12 hours a day.
struggling with arthritis for many years and the doctors are useless.
Lately it got real,
real bad - I had this throbbing burn where my mouse thumb connects to
If I was doing
nothing - watching TV - the "broken" finger didn't hurt so much
Rubbing it didn't help, Aspercreme didn't help and my regular arthritis medicine is f-ing useless.
The burning and throbbing would wake me up at night, the pain was fucking awful.
Over the years I'd been to my regular family doctor, who I like and trust, but his severe
arthritis remedies involved rubber band therapy, prayer and a host of weird attachments.
He sent me to a chiropractor once - that was also a waste of time.
I've worn a contraption on my right forearm for the tennis elbow - no help.
I've worn a weird glove that was supposed to help my hand, but that was all bulshit, too.
Years ago I bought a bushel of sweet Bixby corn, (back before global warming killed all the crops)
and after shucking 60 ears or so, I pulled a muscle in my left forearm. That pain lasted for years
but this new pain was so bad I couldn't ignore it.
So finally I got mad and brought up Yahoo Maps and looked for an acupuncturist.
I found one about 5 miles away and the doctor had a foreign-sounding name.
I made an appointment. They could see me right away, so I was suspicious.
Most "real" doctors make you wait weeks to see them.
When I pulled into the parking space, it didn't really look like a doctor's office.
It looked more like a little shop that would repair vacuum cleaners.
I went inside and met the drop-dead gorgeous receptionist which reminded me of Two and a Half Men.
In that show, Charlie's brother Alan is a "chiropractor" and he hints that his practice isn't entirely legit.
His receptionist was super-hot so that reminded me of Alan the quack.
So there I am talking to this gorgeous blonde receptionist (Olivia!) and I was beginning to get discouraged.
I figured the worst that could happen is I'd have something to write about after things crashed and burned.
They gave me the standard medical forms to fil out, which I didn't take too seriously.
"List your ailments," it said.
I mean, I'm going to list all the things that are killing me to get some voodoo needles stuck in my hand?
I'm a busy man - I got shit to do so I just wrote "None" on that part.
Good news - Olivia said the most this would cost me was a $40 co-pay - cool.
The Mayo Clinic and Jim-Bob's voodoo shop cost the same?
Oh, then there were the signs:
On the wall, the doctor was claiming he could cure everything.
Menstraul cramps, headaches, back pain, f-ing asthma, you name it, the doc could cure it.
I thought, "Who you jiving with that Cosmik Debris?"
Now I was really getting discouraged.
My hand was throbbing and I'm seeing lots of things I didn't like.
So finally I get in to see Dr. Jim, we'll call him.
He gave me a quick examination, pulling on my wrist and stuff.
He asked me some dunb questions about my hobbies and interests - I mostly lied.
(Like I'm really going to tell a doctor what I do for fun :)
Then we get down to the nitty-gritty.
Surprisingly, he says he's going to stick a needle in the top of my ear lobe.
Not knowing what to expect, I figured he'd stick a needle or two my wrist, where the pain was, but noooooooo.
He got some little mechanical gadget that made a lot of noise and stuck my ear.
It hurt a little but hey, at this point, I was willing to try anything shy of fellatio to make the pain stop.
Well, fuck me.
It was like he flipped a goddamn PAIN OFF switch.
I was instantly pain f-ing free.
I couldn't believe it.
Medical science doesn't work that way.
They can't make pay go away instantly, can they?
My hand hurt for months before I got mad enough to call a witch doctor and let him stick needles
into my precious temple, but it worked better than buckets of cold water on a campfire.
My pain went from a NINE to a goddamn ZERO instantly.
As Cleavon would say, "Raise my rent."
By accident, I'd run into a goddamn, bona fide miracle worker.
If someone had bet me that they knew a guy who could erase my hand pain 100% instantly,
I would've bet heavily against that because, if that bullshit really worked, wouldn't everyone know about it?
I'm going to be 59 years old soon, and NOW I learn that some magic is real?
OK. so I had these TWO problems.
The thumb/wrist pain, the mother-throbber, was 100% gone - BOOM! Nothing.
The broken-pointer finger was a tougher nut to crack.
The first time he stuck me, again in the ear, he only dropped the pain maybe 20 percent.
I went back a week later and he said, "We have to find the exact spot for the needle."
My second session with him dropped that to about 50 %.
I went back a week later and he dropped it to maybe 20 percent and today's session
dropped the pain down to maybe 5-10% of where it had started.
My finger still feels broke, I can barely type with it, but the pain is hardly there.
<Bart does a shot>
So, all my life I've been Mr. Science and Logic.
I always figured that voodoo stuff was for losers and the easily-led, but not anymore.
After all these years, I've found a man who can just about work miracles.
So how do we explain this?
Have you, the reader, ever tried acupuncture?
Do you, the reader, have some pain that just won't go away?
If so, you should consider making an appointment with an acupuncturist.
I feel like a goddamn UFO just landed in my front yard.
I know a guy who can turn off semi-severe pain instantly.
Does my family doctor know acupuncture works?
Why didn't he send me to an acupuncturist decades ago?
No drugs, no side effects, no negative anything that I can see after several weeks.
Does corporate medicine not get along with medicine that actually works?
Dr. Jim says after a few more sessions, he'll be done with me.
Most doctors tend to rent you relief, but this doctor is talking "cure."
I've got 5 visits ($200) into this and my hands are almost pain free.
What other undiscovered secrets can I look forward to?
I'm not getting anywhere near the religious scams, so don't even bring that up, but...
The next time someone tells me they found peace and strength from a "Sedona vortex,"
I'm going to take a second and listen to him instead of thinking, "delusioned moron."
Next thing you know, pyramids will sharpen razor blades :)
I have proven to myself, without a doubt, this shit works.
I feel like I've discovered a magical Fountain of Lourdes right here in K-Drag.
So, I would like your feedback - what's up with this?
Have you tried acupuncture? Did it work for you?
What explains something that works this well not catching on?
Oh, and in case you're wondering, this is NOT a gag, swear to Koresh.
I went from can't-sleep throbbing pain to ZERO pain in my thumb
and maybe 5% of the severe pain in my "broken" finger.
And if YOU have severe pain, I can't guarantee that Dr. Jim can work miracles on you
but I can guarantee you I'm not lying about finding a man who killed 95% of my pain.
If you have severe pain, gamble a $40 co-pay and call an acupuncturist.
If he can't make the pain go away, come to Tulsa and gamble another $40 on my guy.
What if $40 could make you pain-free?
Trust me, nobody was more suprised than me when this worked.
...and shame on the whole world for not telling me sooner :)