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Bart's Law #1
Don't EVER
tell the truth in a political campaign.
People want to be lied to.
They don't care if you're the best, most qualified candidate
in history, they're going to vote for
a candidate who stars in a fuzzy video of him playing with the
family dog while his pearl-necklaced
wife and your 2.3 small children watch in awe while the voice-over
dude explains that this guy
has whatever-state-you-live-in family values.
If you doubt me, ask President Mondale about telling the truth.
Bart's Law #2
Any time a person or entity makes
a "mistake" that puts extra money (or power) in their pocket,
expect them to make that "mistake" again and again
and again. That's why refineries have fires now and then,
because a fire allows them to scream "unexpected shortage"
so they can gouge us on the price of gas.
Bart's Law #3
Do not lay down in front of a bulldozer or a train or become
a human shield.
The "president" of the United States will have you killed, rather
than call off his bloody and profitable attack.
Apparently, the Israeli government feels the same way about protestors
in front of tanks.
That's one difference between our president and a Chinese tank
commander.
In China, when that man stood in front of the tank in Tienneman
Square, the tank stopped.
In America and apparently, Israel, the "tank" keeps coming and
crushes you.
Bart's Law #4
Nothing is easy.
If you discover that you need a $3 extension cord from Wal-Mart,
I guarantee it will take you
days to get it and it will cost several hundred dollars. First,
you get in your car to go to the
stupid Wal-Mart, but the car doesn't start so a friend gives
you a ride to Sears where you
buy a new Diehard battery, but your car still won't start. So
you pay AAA to drag the lifeless
sled to a mechanic who says you need a new starter, but the local
supplier is out until Monday
so you have to rely on your friend to take you to work tomorrow.
Monday comes and the mechanic says he got slammed over the weekend
and it'll be Tuesday
before you can get your car back. So Tuesday that same friend
who's been so helpful gives you
another ride to the mechanic. You thank him as he drives away
just before the mechanic tells you
they sent the wrong starter but he can have your car ready by
Wednesday if the ignorant bastard
at Pep Boys sends the right starter this time.
Wednesday they finally get the car started, but the mechanic says
your timing belt is about to break
and if it does, you'll need a new engine so you pay him another
$900 for a new timing belt because
if you don't, a new timing belt and engine is about $2800.
All you wanted was a damn $3 extension cord from Wal-Mart, and you're already $1100 in debt.
This is what life is like for most people, but a super-rich bastard
like George Bush doesn't know it.
He grew up knowing all you have to do it tell that spic who's
married to the maid to have the car fixed
and send the bill to the B.F.E.E. bookkeeper. He's never
worked a day in his gilded life and he's got
no idea what it's like to have to earn a paycheck because he
was born rich on third base. The idea
that he should be appointed the most powerful man on the planet
by his daddy's rich friends is just
another day in the life of the man who giggles when he murders
someone.
Can it be true?
Do I really have a working computer now?
(Skip to below)
Early tests are showing nothing but positives, but I've had more
false
positives
than The Gropenfuhrer in that movie where he was
pregnant with Danny DeVito's baby.
Please God - make this work.
My baby girl is sick and I can't afford the medicine unless
I gets me some new radio up quick!
God, I really needs me a radio show.
If I lose any more subscribers, I'll may have to start drinking
Cuervo.
...but yes!
Early tests seem to suggest that, with a there's-room credit card,
coupled with a
"make-it-work-whatever-it-f-ing-costs"
order from the card's CFO, just might
work because Comp
USA can't afford to have a bowelectomy
in court.
Sidebar:
It's rarely my intention to humiliate
into submission a super-rich corporation in a court of law.
So, maybe our long global
nightmare has maybe come to an end, but I won't put this on the main page
until after I get about 36 hours of high-dollar,
non-screwed-to-death, audio equipment performance.
That bogus Windows program cost us a lot
of shows that never were.
Not happy about that.
Bart's Law #5 - Nothing ever works
Wednesday afternoon, we're still trying to make this damn computer work.
Is this another trap by Bill Gates?
There's no room in the studio for another monitor and another
keyboard,
so we bought this KVH box that's supposed to work - but nothing
ever works,
which will probably become Bart's
Law Number Five.
Here's the deal:
We've spent two days trying to hook the damn computers up.
The Bush-like monkeys at Comp
USA gave us PS2 wires when we needed USB.
So after 4 trips to Comp
USA, we thought we were done, but noooooooooooooooo.
Windows XP refuses to start until a keyboard and monitor are connected,
and it's too f-ing stupid
to realize we're using a USB mouse and keyboard, so I have a
brand new, dead computer
We messed with it every way possible, but it just won't work,
so we have to disable a PS2 mouse
and disable a PS2 keyboard and plug those in the back of the
unit so extra-stupid XP will be fooled
into thinking the mouse & keyboard are PS2.
There's just no reason for everything to be so complicated.
The assholes at KVH have to know that XP refuses
to recognize their product.
They brag on their box that there are over one million people
with a KVH box.
(They didn't say if any of those million boxes were working.)
The point is, if KVH has sold a million, and Gates the Impaler
has sold billions, why haven't
they worked this kink out? Why doesn't the box say, "Microsoft,
with their thousands of
qualified and experienced employees,
is unable to recognize our million boxes so you'd
better buy a mouse and keyboard while
you're here to save yourself the time and aggravation,"
but noooooooooooooooo.
But still, these greedy and incompetent "leaders of industry"
sell their defective machines to Comp
USA
who is just waiting for some sucker like me who is too busy to
shut down my business for a year
so I can become educated enough to buy a goddamn mouse and keyboard
without getting fucked.
These days, you have to have a construction degree to turn a screwdriver.
Computers have become like the space shuttle, with so many thousands
of things that can go wrong
that it takes a team of experts to screw everything up once it's
fixed.
Swear to God, a year ago I thought I could plug a microphone into
my computer and start talking and
have a radio show, but that won't work because Gates and the
government can't make any money if
their products work so I'm paying for it.
This last snafu has (so far) cost more than $3500 and all ever asked for is a computer that worked.
Nobody in America sells a product that works.
The Soundblaster people haven''t figured out how to make a sound
card, Gates can't figure out how
to stop breaking computers that work, the M-Audio people should
be shamed out of business for selling
a portable studio that comes with the most complicated instructions
for fixing their original flaws, and the
KVH bastards have illustrations and drawing in their installation
manual that are different than the hardware
they actually ship with their manual. On top of everything else,
this new keyboard is broken. It keeps trying
to put these - 000000000000000000000000000 - after every sentence.
Hey world, I don't have time for this - I'm a busy man! I got
shit to do!
Is there a company in America that even answers their phone in 2004?
I'm so stupid, I expected these companies to have customer
service.
I'm so stupid, I expected these companies to have technical
support.
If by some stretch of luck you happen to reach a support person,
it's their first day on the job because the
boss is such a cheap-ass Republican tightwad that the employees
aren't offered health care so they have to
quit to look for a company that does, which is great news for
the cheap-ass boss because he can replace
that experienced worker with a newbie who gets paid 25 cents
less per hour. Of course, the newbie doesn't
have a clue what his new job is about so he's the guy they give
to me when I call with a problem.
When I was shopping for a streaming vendor, one company's phone
system was so screwed up,
all you could do was leave a voice-mail, but since every customer
they have was pissed off at them,
their mailbox was full and it wan't able to hold any more messages.
When my M-Audio portable studio blew up, I called to complain
but all I got was a recording
that said they were moving their offices and I should try back
in a week or two. The lazy bastards at
Soundblaster said they'd "never heard
of" crackles and pops in their best-ever-sound-card
piece of shit and said, "Sorry we can't
help," yet I was forced to buy a second expensive
sound card from them because the first one wouldn't work.
Nobody is accountable, you can't
even get them on the phone to make them explain themselves.
There's no competition in America in 2004.
Everything is owned by Gates or Wal-Mart or Viacom or Rupert Murdoch.
And since there's no competition, there's no reason to ever make
a customer happy.
You just take their money and if they have a problem you just
tell them to fuck off.
It's the American way now.
Yep, it's Bart's Law #5 - Nothing ever works.
Bart's Law # 6
NEVER upgrade because the upgrade is designed to screw you to death.
I don't mean to brag, but when I'm hard at work on a computer, I am
much
faster than the computer.
This latest computer I was forced to buy?
It's a Pentium 4 with somewhere around 2.6 or 2.8 speed, and
it slower than my 286 was in 1995.
If you have a computer that works, trust Ol' Bart and never, ever
upgrade it for any reason.
I talked to 8-10 techs today, and 13 of them said they couldn't help
me because they had the
brains to opt out of Windows XP and they had no clue of how
to help me.
You see, all their programs work.
In 1998, the internet was so young and innocent, the files loaded onto
alt.binaries.multimedia
were
so pure and innocent, I remember a guy uploaded a 7-Up commercial to
see if the technology worked.
I posted some never-seen live Led Zeppelin, some never-seen Fleetwood
Mac, some Evil Kneivel jumps etc.
For a while, I was the most prolific multimedia rock n roll poster
in the whole world, ...but then I upgraded.
Now, nothing f-ing works, and everything is f-ing screwed, so take it
from me (and the experts I talked to today.)
Never, ever upgrade it for any reason.
If you do, ALL your programs will become useless and you'll end up as
frustrated as Ol' Bart.
How much longer will the Gates hourglass mock me just before everything
crashes - again?
Bart's Law #7
No news outlet in America can be trusted
We have to admit it - they're all whores.
I can't name one network, one cable channel, one TV show, one newspaper
or one magazine that can be trusted.
They're crooked and they're lazy and they'll print any goddamn lie
they choose to. The most honest news on all of
TV is the "fake news" from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
-
everybody else is lying.
If you want intergity, you have to turn to the internet where news and
opinion can be stated without a corporate
sponsor looking over your shoulder while you write, telling you, "Put
this
in your news and take that out."
Fox Mulder said it first - trust no one - in America's whore media
Bart's Law #8
Power isn't something that's given to you.
Power is something you f-ing take!
Power damn sure isn't something you beg your opponent to give you.
Can Kerry-Edwards learn that in the next 70 days?
Bart's Law #9
Lying to yourself is an unforgiveable crime.
You can lie to others, but lying to yourself makes no sense
at all.
Shakespeare said, in Hamlet (I'm so well read) "To thine own self be true."
Shakey and I are in the same business - Entertainment Writing.
We both speak the truth, too.
He said, "To thine own self be true."
I wrote, "Lying to yourself is the biggest crime."
..I'll bet Billy would've liked that 30-year Chinaco...
Bart's Law #10
A man with a Glock and a kind word
can get more than a man with a kind word.
This is why the BFEE wins at poker.
They bet the planet - with a gun to your head
- every hand.
How you gonna gamble with that?
Bart's Law #11
Betting on the Middle East to get worse is a guaranteed win.
A truer truism doesn't exist.
The only way things could get better over there is if they had a science
and logic pandemic.
That's not gonna happen.
God told them they had to murder "the others" so that's what they do.
A hundred years after you and I are gone, they'll still be fighting
or
Earth will be a smoldering mass of decaying, rotting flesh.
Bart's Law #12
Jimmy Carter was right - Life is not Fair.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman is 100 times the
actor Tom Cruise is, but Cruise has
already made 100 times more money than
Phillip Seymour Hoffman ever will.
The Beatles never won a Grammy,
Scorsese never won an Best Director Oscar
and Clinton was paid $200K to give us peace and
prosperity while Bush
gets paid $400 to Judas us into a never-ending
spiral of terrorism, war and recession.
If Life was fair, JFK and RFK and MLK would've
made speeches at DemoCon 2004,
but no, ..they were f-ing murdered by the other
team, and we belong to the "plays fair" team.
I'm soooo sick of it
Bart's Law #13
Men are pigs and they are dogs.
Men are so sex-crazed, they'll give up their empire for a giggling
cheerleader.
Men are so sex-crazed, they'll pay $20 for a CHANCE to see some Betty
Boop
cartoon titties on a Double-or-Nothing video poker game in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
Maybe you've seen Vanessa Marcil's "Samantha" on NBC's Vegas?
She laughs at how easy it is to manipulate sex-crazed men.
"Buy me a car, OK?"
Irony:
Women have all the power, and the only ones who know
that are First Ladies, strippers and hookers.
Bart's Law #14
There's no limit to how stupid some people
can be.
No explantion needed.
Bart's Law #15
Never lie when the truth will do.
You'd be surprised how many people break this
rule.
If you lie, you have to remember who and what and where and when.
You have to remember the why and the when and the what and to whom
you told it..
That's above my IQ of 64, so I try to tell the truth.
Never lie when the truth will do.
Bart's Law #16
Never have a strong opinion about a subject you don't understand.
Do NOT have a strong opinion about something if you can't defend it.
If you can't defend yourself, maybe say "Oh,
I dunno" when asked about it.
That's one reason I don't write about Israel.
I don't have the time to hear all fifty sides of that never-ending
bickering.
If you can't explain yourself, don't criticize my position on something.