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 In the Kitchen with BartCop   (From July 2001)
   Woke up this morning, bought myself some corn.

 This is the best corn yet - it's been 105 in K-Drag all week.
 (Tulsa is a great place to live - if you're a baked potatoe*)

 Took her out for a fancy breakfast, scoring many, many points.
 This fancy restaurant we dined at (Tiptons - out of business) sells fresh pies, too.

 Check this out:

                     Now that's a strawberry pie.

 So, after that it was time to go to the record convention.
 It's all kinds of music collectables, Monkee Lunchboxes, Kiss posters, Patsy Cline albums,

 But they also have tables and tables of bootlegs.
 I scored a U2 outtakes CD, a CD of their Denver Pop Mart show
 and a really nice Garbage package with two live mini-concerts.

 We should talk about Garbage sometime.
  I think they're the best band in years.
 ...and don't get me started on Shirley...

 So we had a good day at the record convention.
 Next, we drop by the spirit's store and I grabbed me a hand-blown of God's Sunshine.

 While we're in line to check out, the old guy in front of me had a shopping cart.
 He puts his liquor on the counter and I see this nut is buying four 1.75's on Cuervo Gold.

 I almost fainted, and would have, if not for the Dale Earnhart Jr. Jack Black Pit Stop railings.
 What is this old guy going to do with two gallons of crappy near-tequila?
 Restaurants and clubs aren't allowed to buy from the liquor stores - major felony in K-drag,
 so it must've been for either a church function or personal consumption.

 Done with spirits, all we needed now was something to go with the corn!
 We go to the new Reasor's grocery. It's actually pretty good.
 So I'm wanting to cook something tasty on the Bartgrill.


 As I was trying to decide, the butcher lady comes out with fresh hamburger meat.
 She had ground sirloin and chopped extra-lean.  My curiosity got me so I asked her,
 "What's the difference between 'ground' sirloin and 'chopped' extra lean?'"

 She replied, "The ground sirloin is 90 percent and the chopped extra-lean is 85 percent."

 Smiling, ...I said, "No, Ma'am, I mean the two verbs, ground and chopped.
 What's the difference between the two verbs?"

 She replied, louder this time,
 "The ground sirloin is 90 percent and the chopped extra-lean is 85 percent."

 <steam coming off my head...>

 We eventually got our food and went home.
 So now it's late afternoon, the grill is getting hot, the corn is ready to go,
 I'm sipping on a nice smooth shot of Chinaco Anejo, watching the Garbage concert out of one eye.

 ha ha

 Shirley just sang, "What you really really want" at the end of "I Think I'm Paranoid," to taunt the Spice Girls.
 Are they still together?

 Wait, a quick corn moment:

      Kandy Korn, the champ                      Merit Corn, the old champ                Silver King AKA Uncle OJ Corn, top contender

 Check out the difference in color.
 Check out the closertogether Kandy Korn, compared to the more individualist Merit, or Silver King
 The Kandy Korn had thickest silk, and more of it than the Merit. Silver King had the darkest silk.
 The Kandy Korn is so sweet, it puts the old champ under the table, and the old champ was damn good
 The Silver King on the cob is what we're having tonight.
 Life is good, let's get to In the Kitchen with BartCop

 Remember that pub & grill I owned?

                                             I designed the sign, myself.

 ha ha

 I just noticed - it's about as slick as the old treehouse.
 We lost money in the deal, but we picked up some great recipes.

 Here we go:

 Here's where I learned how to make Train Station Fried Chicken.

 This is from a tape I made a couple of weeks ago.
 This is how you make the killer fried chicken.
 You husbands can even do it - and boy, won't your wife be surprised!

 It's real easy - here's what you need for the best fried chicken in America:

 You start off with a shot of God's Sunshine, Chinaco Anejo in a gold-rimmed glass,
 preferably from an outrageously expensive resort, hotel and casino in fabulous Las Vegas...

 (Oh, I have the Las Vegas fever....)

 Once you get that secured, you're half-way home.

 Next you need some chicken - this is the gross part.
 Get boneless, skinless breasts and cut them. I'll show you what size.
 That works better than the chicken tenders.
  Now, take a sip of the Chinaco.  Ahhhh...

 You gotta take out all those white stringy-things that are a real pain in the ass.
 But if you ever finally finish, (allow a minimum of 45 minutes) you got great-looking chicken.

 Hmmmm, ...boy!

 Mama Mia, that's some good-looking chicken!
 We cook about a pound and a half each time, cause it keeps great in the fridge.

 Now you need two bowls.
 Put a few ounces of buttermilk in one bowl,

 ...and a cup or two of heavily salted and peppered flour in the other one.
   Now, take another sip of the Chinaco.

 You can't put too much salt & pepper in, but don't get stupid, y'know?

 Next, you need a bunch of boiling oil, maybe 48 pounces. 

 This is a big pot, maybe eight inches deep and eight inches wide.

 Put your burner on one-notch less than total.
 Every few minutes, stick your finger in the oil to check for temperature.
 When you scream God's name in vain, it's almost ready.
  Now, another sip of the Chinaco.

 Now comes the fun part.
 You deserve it after messing with that damn chicken for an hour...

Throw that chicken in the flour, and you gotta do it one piece at a time

Now toss it around like two playmates in a pudding pit.
Get it good and coated on both sides.

 Now ease it into the buttermilk bowl.
 Dunk it like you're John the Baptist.

When you pick it up, it'll feel like a Star Trek ear-creature, but that's OK.
Now drop that sucker back into the spiced flour...

 ...and do the playmate pudding thing again.

When it's all ready, it'll look like this.

Check this mess out on my fingers...

For this much work, you gotta have a big payoff coming, right?
Trust me, this is the best!

You may have to re-salt and re-pepper your flour after a piece or two.
When you get a bunch of them ready, and you're sure your oil is really hot,

  Look, you can see the color of the fine tequila in this shot.
  Now, take a sip of the Chinaco.

 ...and slowly drop five or six of the chicken chunks into the boiling oil.

 Now you've got a few minutes when nothing's happenin' but the cooking.
 You can whip your potatoes, heat the gravy and do another sip of Chinaco...

 After a few minutes - reach in the pot with your tongs and be sure the pieces aren't
 sticking together. After another few - and this is one of God's little tricks - the chicken will float.
 That's God working the timer for you. 
When the chicken floats, it's time to come out.

Note: Mrs Bart likes them extra-crispy, so we let them float a little longer.

 If you do everything right, this is what happens.

 Mmmmm, that's some damn fine fried chicken.
 By the way, no chickens were injured in the making of  In the Kitchen with BartCop

 We like our fried chicken with rice, gravy and a veggie, like corn!
 Mmmmm, boy. Fried chicken, fresh corn and the taste of agave and wildfowers.

 So, next time you get caught cheating on your wife, or doing away with a pesky pregnant intern,
 you should try cooking the best-ever fried chicken and see if your wife doesn't forget the whole thing.

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