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 Bart straightens out Dennis Miller

 All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my
insane little brain spinning like a roulette wheel.  I enjoy reading opinions from 
both sides, but I have detected a hint of confusion from some of you.

 The first sentence contained no lies, the second sentence had two:
 You don't want to hear any ideas that aren't approved by Rush and the Unelected Idiot.
 And you don't see confusion on our side. You're confused that the rest of the country
 and the world don't see things the same was you and Al Michaels do.

 As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice someone 
ever gave me. He told me about the KISS  method (Keep It Simple, Stupid!)
So, with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it.
 My hope is that we can simplify things a bit and recognize a few important facts.

 Again with the smarmy attitude.
 I think I'm going to enjoy this, Dennis.

 Here are 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:

1) Out of President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

 Dennis, don't you own a TV?  You said you read the paper, was it the Washington Times 
or the New York Post?  Most of the world disagrees with Number One, Dennis.   
Instead of starting with something a majority of the world doesn't believe, I think your 
first thing to consider when voicing an opinion on an important issue is to have a clue
what the hell you're talking about.

 Those 11 million people in the streets in mid-February weren't protesting Saddam
- they were protesting your hero, the coward who went AWOL after his Daddy got him 
out of combat when he had a chance to be reeeeeal tough.

 2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing, keep this in mind: 
they have Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the 
Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

 I'm going to call this one a wash because I don't know if it's true.
 Did you hear that from Rush or from Hannity?

 Besides, Bush had enough faith in the UN to go there and ask permission to murder Iraq.
 They turned him down because he couldn't convince anyone but Tony Blair, who has a cushy,
 $5M a year job waiting for him at Carlyle when he's yanked (pun intended) from office.
 Sounds like your boy doesn't know what the hell he's doing, Dennis.

3) If you use Google search and type in "French Military Victories," your reply will be
  "Did you mean French Military Defeats?"   (I tried it, it's not exactly accurate, but it's funny.)

 Cute - real fucking cute.
 Hold on, let's let the tsunami of laughter die down so it doesn't drown out my answer.

 Dennis, maybe the biggest problem I've had with you since you turned into Bush's cabanaboy 
is that you mix jokes and serious comments in exactly the wrong way. You get to the important
fulcrum of your argument and then your make some piss-ant, half-ass joke like that Number Three 
which destroys every point that preceeded it.

 Are you saying only a brutal and powerful killing machine can decide what's right and wrong?
 Are you saying the guy with the biggest gun is always the most moral?
 The French have no right to an opinion because they got mowed over in WWII?
 Could you list all of the important military victories that Spain and Portugal have racked up lately?

 You're a monkey, Dennis - you argue like Rush, your newfound idol.
 You can only argue in a vacuum where no opposition voice can be heard.
 You're not in a vaccum now and you're being made to look like a fool.

 Plus, the fact that you think your Google joke was funny tells us you've lost all your comedic ability.

 Dennis, there was a time when I said you were the funniest white man in America, so don't think I'm 
just some nut who never got your "sophisticated" humor.  It's true, there was a time when you were
the funniest white man in America, but then you turned whore and started playing to the ditto-monkey crowd.  
I'll bet Holden and Rumor have their Stanford money socked away, right?   Let's hope you didn't put
their college fund in Bush's stock market.  If you did, your kids are going to Tarzana Community College.

4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No war for oil," sue your school district for allowing you
to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the education you deserve.

 Hey, fuck you.
 What makes you think you're so goddamn superior?
 If Al Gore had been allowed to take the office to which he was legally elected, he would've immediately
 put American money and ingenuity behind sources of energy that don't require our boys dying in the sand.

 Wanting America to stay tethered to the combustion engine proves that you either:
own lots of oil stock
you think the LA sunset is prettier coming thru all that unbreathable smog and haze
you're just a backwards-thinking fool
you're a puppet for "the man," something you railed against your entire former career.

 Tell me, Dennis, if one of your kids had asthma, would you be as gung-ho for more smog?

5) Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before they try to kill us.

 Cute - real fucking cute.
 You can't argue like a man so you argue like some silly puta.

Saddam asked for, AND RECEIVED, written permission from Bush 41 to invade Kuwait.
    That created Gulf War One, and it turned Bush's partner Osama against us, causing 9-11.
Your hero, President Monkey, didn't get UN approval either, you idiot.  He tried, but he lost.
    You just proved when madmen want to go to war, the first thing they do is to declare the UN "irrellevant."
    You just tied Osama and Saddam to Bush better than I could.
Saddam has never tried to "kill us," and we don't know very much about Osama's attack because the
     cowards who run our government refuse to investigate Bush's role in September 11th.  Of course, the deaths
     of 3,000 people aren't anywhere near as important as finding out what Clinton did with Monica.
     I believe congress is afraid to investigate 9-11 because they're afraid Bush's fingerprints will be all over it.

6) Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not the president. He plays one on T.V.

 You're not even trying.
 When I saw that you'd written ten reasons to love war, I thought "Great, I'll finally get to go a little
 one-on-one with Mr. Smart-Ass," but instead, you're just tossing off. You're not even making this a contest.

 By the way, smart guy, Bush isn't the president, either. HE just plays one for the crooked Supreme Court.
 Besides that, the last poll I saw showed Bush losing to ANY Democrat, and that might include Martin Sheen.
 I'll bet Martin Sheen could be trusted in front of a camera without a Cheney-approved script to stick to.

7) Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "infidel," and Bin Laden wants you dead, too.

 Fine, nobody said "Don't go after bin Laden."  What's wrong with you?
 Hell, in Bush's reality, Osama is dead and Saddam was the culprit behind 9-11.
 Your president has to lie to the American people about 9-11 to get 57% approval.
 What would his approval rating be if he wasn't constantly putting Saddam and 9-11 in the same sentence?

8) If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy," but not in the danger 
that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell computer dude.

 More stupid cuteness from a comedian who can no longer get laughs.
 And I'm sure I know more about the "VRWC" than you do, you ignorant whore.
 Did you know that Ted Olson worked for Paula Jones?
 Did you know that Ted Olson worked for crooked Arkansas judge David Hale?
 Did you know that Ted Olson worked to rape democracy and install this appointed president?

 ...and you can't connect the dots, you blind bastard?

9) We are not trying to liberate them.

 Geez, now you've lost the ability to string together enough words to form a coherent thought.
 You can't be talking about Iraq, because Bush says "We will liberate Iraq" ten times a day.
 Who the hell are you talking about if not the Iraq people?
 Who is "them," since it can't be the Iraqi people?

10) Whether you are for military action or against it, our young men and woman overseas are
   fighting for us to defend our right to speak out. We all need to support them without reservation.

 I hope this helps.

 ha ha
 You lying moron.

Ari tells us we have to watch what we say.
Some guy was arrested in Minnesota for wearing a "Give peace a chance" shirt.
The Dixie Chicks may have lost their careers, as has Martin Sheen, apparently.
Michael Savage (another hero of yours, no doubt) says peaceniks should be arrested for treason.
Your friend Bill Maher didn't lose his job because he forgot how to be funny, like you did.
    He lost his job for telling the truth on a billion dollar network, so stop lying about this being
    a war to secure our right to speak out. Ari was talking about Maher, remember Einstein?
A judge in New York denied a parade permit for war protestors because, are you ready
    for this, Mister-have-no-facts, ...because they were expecting too many people!
Possibly the most powerful anti-war voice in America was Paul Wellstone.
    They took care of that little problem once and for all.

 ...and you think this is a war about us being able to speak freely?

 Truth is, you don't have goddamn clue Number One, do you, Dennis?

 You're a tool, on your knees for the people you once made millions of dollars by ridiculing.
 Matter of fact, when I get the radio thing up, I'm going to play some of your old rants
 where you called Rush a disgusting, lying pig and a sex-obsessed, self-absorbed whore.

 Funny, how you changed, Dennis.
 Tell me, does that extra money feel good?

 You're a whore, Dennis, and the worst kind.
 You sold yourself to the polluters and the fascists.
 What are you teaching your kids about values?
 The guy with the biggest army is always right, even if he wasn't elected?

 Fuck, I'm so old, I remember when you called Leno a whore for selling out to Lays Potato Chips
 and now look at you, whoring for the man that most of the planet thinks is more dangerous than Saddam.

 One last thing - you turned on Clinton for having an affair and not admitting it soon enough.
 Do me a favor, next time you're on TV praising the always-on-vacation Governor of Texas,
 look into the camera and declare that you've never cheated on your wife.
 I'd like to see that.

 You were once a sparkling diamond, Dennis.
 Now you're nothing more than an oil slick in Bush's driveway.

 After all this time waiting for a shot at you,
 and I didn't even have a chance to break a sweat.

 Another Dennis Miller disappointment.

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