straightens out Dennis Miller
All the rhetoric on whether or not we
should go to war against Iraq has got my
insane little brain spinning like a roulette
wheel. I enjoy reading opinions from
both sides, but I have detected a hint of
confusion from some of you.
The first sentence contained no lies, the second sentence had
You don't want to hear any ideas that aren't approved by Rush
and the Unelected Idiot.
And you don't see confusion on our side. You're confused that
the rest of the country
and the world don't see things the same was you and Al Michaels
As I was reading the paper recently,
I was reminded of the best advice someone
ever gave me. He told me about the KISS
method (Keep It Simple, Stupid!)
So, with this as a theme, I'd like to apply
this theory for those who don't quite get it.
My hope is that we can simplify things
a bit and recognize a few important facts.
Again with the smarmy attitude.
I think I'm going to enjoy this, Dennis.
Here are 10 things to consider when voicing
an opinion on this important issue:
1) Out of President Bush and Saddam Hussein
... Hussein is the bad guy.
Dennis, don't you own a TV? You said you read the paper,
was it the Washington Times
or the New York Post? Most of the world disagrees with Number
Instead of starting with something a majority of the world doesn't
believe, I think your
first thing to consider when voicing an opinion on an important issue
is to have a clue
what the hell you're talking about.
Those 11 million people in the streets in mid-February weren't
- they were protesting your hero, the coward who went AWOL after his
Daddy got him
out of combat when he had a chance to be reeeeeal tough.
2) If you have faith in the United Nations
to do the right thing, keep this in mind:
they have Libya heading the Committee on Human
Rights and Iraq heading the
Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own
I'm going to call this one a wash because I don't know if it's
Did you hear that from Rush or from Hannity?
Besides, Bush had enough faith in the UN to go there and ask permission
to murder Iraq.
They turned him down because he couldn't convince anyone but
Tony Blair, who has a cushy,
$5M a year job waiting for him at Carlyle when he's yanked (pun
intended) from office.
Sounds like your boy doesn't know what the hell he's doing, Dennis.
3) If you use Google search and type in "French
Military Victories," your reply will be
"Did you mean French Military Defeats?"
(I tried it, it's not exactly accurate, but it's funny.)
Cute - real fucking cute.
Hold on, let's let the tsunami of laughter die down so
it doesn't drown out my answer.
Dennis, maybe the biggest problem I've had with you since you
turned into Bush's cabanaboy
is that you mix jokes and serious comments in exactly the wrong way.
You get to the important
fulcrum of your argument and then your make some piss-ant, half-ass
joke like that Number Three
which destroys every point that preceeded it.
Are you saying only a brutal and powerful killing machine can
decide what's right and wrong?
Are you saying the guy with the biggest gun is always the most
The French have no right to an opinion because they got mowed
over in WWII?
Could you list all of the important military victories that Spain
and Portugal have racked up lately?
You're a monkey, Dennis - you argue like Rush, your newfound idol.
You can only argue in a vacuum where no opposition voice can
You're not in a vaccum now and you're being made to look like
Plus, the fact that you think your Google joke was funny tells
us you've lost all your comedic ability.
Dennis, there was a time when I said you
were the funniest white man in America, so don't think I'm
just some nut who never got your "sophisticated"
humor. It's true, there was a time when you were
the funniest white man in America, but then you
turned whore and started playing to the ditto-monkey crowd.
I'll bet Holden and Rumor have their Stanford
money socked away, right? Let's hope you didn't put
their college fund in Bush's stock market.
If you did, your kids are going to Tarzana Community College.
4) If your only anti-war slogan is "No war
for oil," sue your school district for allowing you
to slip through the cracks and robbing you
of the education you deserve.
Hey, fuck you.
What makes you think you're so goddamn superior?
If Al Gore had been allowed to take the office to which he was
legally elected, he would've immediately
put American money and ingenuity behind sources of energy that
require our boys dying in the sand.
Wanting America to stay tethered to the combustion engine proves
that you either:
own lots of oil stock
you think the LA sunset is prettier
coming thru all that unbreathable smog and haze
you're just a backwards-thinking
you're a puppet for "the man,"
something you railed against your entire former career.
Tell me, Dennis, if one of your kids had asthma, would you be
as gung-ho for more smog?
5) Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United
Nations approval before they try to kill us.
Cute - real fucking cute.
You can't argue like a man so you argue like some silly puta.
Saddam asked for, AND RECEIVED,
written permission from Bush 41 to invade Kuwait.
That created Gulf War One, and it turned Bush's
partner Osama against us, causing 9-11.
Your hero, President Monkey,
didn't get UN approval either, you idiot. He tried, but he lost.
You just proved when madmen want to go to war, the
first thing they do is to declare the UN "irrellevant."
You just tied Osama and Saddam to Bush better than
Saddam has never tried to "kill
us," and we don't know very much about Osama's attack because the
cowards who run our government refuse to investigate
Bush's role in September 11th. Of course, the deaths
of 3,000 people aren't anywhere near
as important as finding out what Clinton did with Monica.
I believe congress is afraid to investigate
9-11 because they're afraid Bush's fingerprints will be all over it.
6) Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not
the president. He plays one on T.V.
You're not even trying.
When I saw that you'd written ten reasons to love war, I thought
I'll finally get to go a little
one-on-one with Mr. Smart-Ass,"
but instead, you're just tossing off. You're not even making this a contest.
By the way, smart guy, Bush isn't the president, either. HE just
plays one for the crooked Supreme Court.
Besides that, the last poll I saw showed Bush losing to ANY Democrat,
and that might include Martin Sheen.
I'll bet Martin Sheen could be trusted in front of a camera without
a Cheney-approved script to stick to.
7) Even if you are anti-war, you are still
an "infidel," and Bin Laden wants you dead, too.
Fine, nobody said "Don't go after bin
Laden." What's wrong with you?
Hell, in Bush's reality, Osama is dead and Saddam was the culprit
Your president has to lie to the American people about 9-11 to
get 57% approval.
What would his approval rating be if he wasn't constantly putting
Saddam and 9-11 in the same sentence?
8) If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy,"
but not in the danger
that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with
the Dell computer dude.
More stupid cuteness from a comedian who can no longer get laughs.
And I'm sure I know more about the "VRWC" than you do, you ignorant
Did you know that Ted Olson worked for Paula Jones?
Did you know that Ted Olson worked for crooked Arkansas judge
Did you know that Ted Olson worked to rape democracy and install
this appointed president?
...and you can't connect the dots, you blind bastard?
9) We are not trying to liberate them.
Geez, now you've lost the ability to string together enough words
to form a coherent thought.
You can't be talking about Iraq, because Bush says "We
will liberate Iraq" ten times a day.
Who the hell are you talking about if not the Iraq people?
Who is "them," since it can't be the Iraqi people?
10) Whether you are for military action or
against it, our young men and woman overseas are
fighting for us to defend
our right to speak out. We all need to support them without reservation.
I hope this helps.
You lying moron.
Ari tells us we have to watch
what we say.
Some guy was arrested in Minnesota
for wearing a "Give peace a chance" shirt.
The Dixie Chicks may have lost
their careers, as has Martin Sheen, apparently.
Michael Savage (another hero
of yours, no doubt) says peaceniks should be arrested for treason.
Your friend Bill Maher didn't
lose his job because he forgot how to be funny, like you did.
He lost his job for telling the truth
on a billion dollar network, so stop lying about this being
a war to secure our right to speak out. Ari was
talking about Maher, remember Einstein?
A judge in New York denied a
parade permit for war protestors because, are you ready
for this, Mister-have-no-facts, ...because they
were expecting too many people!
Possibly the most powerful anti-war
voice in America was Paul Wellstone.
They took care of that little problem once and for
...and you think this is a war about us being able to speak freely?
Truth is, you don't have goddamn clue Number One, do you, Dennis?
You're a tool, on your knees for the people you once made millions
of dollars by ridiculing.
Matter of fact, when I get the radio thing up, I'm going to play
some of your old rants
where you called Rush a disgusting, lying pig and a sex-obsessed,
Funny, how you changed, Dennis.
Tell me, does that extra money feel good?
You're a whore, Dennis, and the worst kind.
You sold yourself to the polluters and the fascists.
What are you teaching your kids about values?
The guy with the biggest army is always right, even if he wasn't
Fuck, I'm so old, I remember when you called Leno a whore for
selling out to Lays Potato Chips
and now look at you, whoring for the man that most of the planet
thinks is more dangerous than Saddam.
One last thing - you turned on Clinton for having an affair and
not admitting it soon enough.
Do me a favor, next time you're on TV praising the always-on-vacation
Governor of Texas,
look into the camera and declare that you've never cheated on
I'd like to see that.
You were once a sparkling diamond, Dennis.
Now you're nothing more than an oil slick in Bush's driveway.
After all this time waiting for a shot at you,
and I didn't even have a chance to break a sweat.
Another Dennis Miller disappointment.
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