Subject: Letter to the Red States
Dear Red States:
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form
our own country, and we're taking the other
Blue States with us. In case you aren't
aware,that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois
and all the Northeast. We believe this
split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma
and all the slave states. We get stem cell research
and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft.
You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get
Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture
capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make
the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent
lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch
of happy families. You get a bunch of single
moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going
to want all our citizensback from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.
They have kids they're apparently willing to send to
their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care
if you don't show pictures of their children's
caskets coming home. We do wish you success in
Iraq , and hope that the WMDs turn up,
but we're not willing to spend our resources
in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm
control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water,
more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce,
92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent
of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all
cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of
the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods,
sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT. With
the Red States, on the other hand, you will have
to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans
(and their projected health care costs), 92 percent
of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of
the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent
of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent
of alltelevangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University,
Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get
Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale,
62 percent believe life is sacredunless we're
discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws,
44 percent say that evolution is only a theory,
53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you
are people with higher morals then we lefties.
Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can
have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
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