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Subject: Sports fun and frivolity

The weekend forthcoming brings us the World Series, a title fight in the UFC, and more fantastic football. 
Along with my first week of my painfully incorrect football predictions.

To start things off the World Series is tied at 1 between the Phillies and Rays. How anyone can root for or be happy about the idea of a Rays World Series win is beyond me. This is a fly-by-night team with no history, no real fan base, for crying out loud, they just changed their name this year. On the other side the city of Philly has suffered, suffered and suffered some more, if I could give then back the bowl the Patriots beat the Eagles in, and get the Giants Super Bowl for us, I’d take it. One side has a long standing history and tradition, the other side is a bunch of cowbell ringing morons. Of course these things always end in tears, just look at the Florida Marlins, who managed to ruin the Cleveland Indians shot at a World Series title. I’m rooting for the Phils, but my thought is that the Rays win it all in 7 to the delight of their 25 fans. About the only thing I can imagine being more horrible then this will be the day when America wins the World Cup, to total and complete apathy here in the US, and to the world’s horror as a bunch of goons who think ‘football’ is played with plastic armor and a ball you throw, are now champions of the most popular sport in the world.

Saturday will mark the Texas Longhorn’s next big challenge, as they face #6 Oklahoma State. It’s to early in the season even now to be worried about who’ll end up doing what, but at least this game should be exciting to watch.

Also on Saturday, the best MMA fighter in the world Anderson “The Spider” Silva shall be defending his 185 pound title against Patrick “The Predator” Cote. Few people expect this fight to be anything but a one sided crushing. Silva has been undefeated in the UFC and hasn’t even been pushed past the second round yet. Stranger things have happened, but few expect anything but another highlight reel knockout for Silva, as he has effectively crushed the life out of the UFC’s 185 pound division.

Sunday brings us the chaos that is this season’s NFL, where everyone can beat everyone. I’ve been totally and completely wrong about everything this year, nothing I think will happen does. I had five entries in a ‘knock-out’ pool, where all you have to do is pick 1 winner per week with no spread, nothing, just ‘pick a winner. I was out week 4. So bear in mind my pin-point breakdowns of these games are most likely 100% wrong and if you bet against everything I say, you’ll most likely never have to work again.

Every week I shall pick one game I feel strongly about this will be my “X Star” play of the Century. Being out in Vegas you hear these bozos on the radio talk about ‘25 star plays’ and how they just released such a massive winner for free on the phone, so I’ve taken from that and spent the past 3 weeks consistently upping the number of stars on my horrible losing picks, this week we’re up to 106 stars.

And here’s the NFL.
(Home team in CAPS)

RAVENS -9 vs. Raiders

Everyone is horrible this year in the NFL, I can’t imagine asking the Ravens to score 10 more points then an opponent to win a bet, then again, the Raiders coach once again busted out the nightmarishly stupid “Call timeout when the kicker just kicked the ball” trick, and it backfired, the second week in a row that happened. Any coach who does that crap should be fired. Then they should be shot.

Result: Ravens 13 Raiders 6

Chargers -3 vs. Saints

Neither team gets the caps cause this game is in London. Both these teams are totally Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. If you asked me at gunpoint to pick a winner, I’d most likely just take the merciful death the bullet would grant me. About the only thing I’d say is expect a sloppy, low scoring game, flying a million miles to play this game really screwed up the Giants and Dolphins last year, I expect the same here.

Result: Both teams score little. Winner? (flips coin) Chargers.

JETS -13.5 vs. Chiefs
.
The Chiefs are horrific, just a awful team, Herm Edwards is an awful coach. This team has nothing going for it at all. The only positive I can see coming out of KC is the antics of Larry Johnson, who seems to be souring on his time in KC and is starting to become a distraction. Talented malcontents are the bread and butter of the Patriots, I think I might just order up a Patriots home blue #27 L. Johnson jersey and beat the rush for next season.

All that being said, I’m not giving  anyone 13.5 points this year.

Result: The Patriots get the franchise running back they need next year. Jets 24, Chiefs 13.

Bills -1 vs. DOLPHINS

Weird line, this is one of those lines where Vegas is begging you to take the Bills, who are 5-1. I know it’s a road game against a divisional foe, but honestly, the Dolphins are 2-4, and the only game the Bills lost, their starting QB was knocked out early. This is officially a ‘stay away’ game. Vegas knows thing, scary things.

Result: A ‘shocking’ blowout win for the Fish and Vegas, Dolphins 27 Bills 10

COWBOYS -1 vs. Bucs

This game is a complete mess. The Cowboys are a ship without a paddle, nobody seems to have any control over the zoo that is the Cowboys. After the whipping they took from the Rams, I think a quick start is vital for “America’s Team”, otherwise the home crowd could turn on them in brutal fashion. Of course it’s me thinking these things so.

Result: I’m pretty much always wrong, Cowboys 31, Bucs 20

EAGLES -9.5 vs. Falcons

Vegas always overrates Philly, always, I don’t know what it is, but they have some deep and abiding fear that the Eagles will just blow the doors off everyone. This year I just can’t give anyone over a TD.

Result: Eagles 20 Falcons 17

PATRIOTS -9 Rams

Man, I left the Patriots for dead and then they go and pull out a game like they had Vs Denver. I really have no read on this team at all. I mostly just spend my days waving ‘farewell’ whoever just had their season end, last week it was Rodney Harrison and Lawrence Maroney. Tom Brady’s knee surgery has gone poorly and he’s now having more and more surgeries upon his knee. It’s pretty disgusting that this team was mere seconds from going 19-0 and becoming the greatest team of all time, and is now going to be lucky if they ever get their QB back in any shape to play, and have anything resembling a defense. You’ll notice these Patriot game commentaries are going to be a bit longer then the rest,  I know you get enough of this crap from Bill Simmons, but you’ll just have to endure more. All this being said, the Patriots offensive line can not block anyone, they gave up 6 sacks last week in a blowout win. Imagine if it was close.

Result: Rams 16 Patriots 10

PANTHERS -4 Vs Cards

Possible NFC Title game match-up? Who knows with a season this crazy. All I know is my Panthers fan friend is jumping for joy at this low line and promises a crushing win from the Panthers, so.

Result: Cards 35 Panthers 10

Redskins -9 vs. LIONS

Wow, how bad do you have to be to be a nearly double digit underdog at home in this season of the NFL, welcome the Detroit Lions, just historically bad. I really don’t know what to say about this team except that I feel bad for their fans for suffering for so long. If I ever become a billionaire I’ll buy the Lions and become their head coach and then do all I can to turn the team around. It can’t be worse then what’s happened the last while.

Result: Redskins 23 Lions 16

JAGUARS -7 vs Browns

Again, two totally ‘hit and miss’ teams. I thought the Jags were going to be really good this year, and yet they came within a last second FG over the Colts of being basically done for. I’m completely lost on this game.

Result: Jags 23 Browns 21 on another last second FG

STEELERS -3 Giants

Everyone’s hyping this game as a big time match-up of two world class teams, the Steelers might be legit, but the Giants, I’m not so sure about, it was at this moment I almost typed “Who have the Giants really played” but then I remembered everyone in the NFL sucks this year, so let’s just forget I nearly made such a  dreadful mistake.

Result: Giants D line continues to fail. Steelers 28 Giants 13

49’ERS -5 vs. Seahawks

The Seahawks are as the internet would say ‘terribad’. As the Garbage song "Queer" goes “The lamest of the lame”. This is a truly bad team. San Fran has a new coach this week, one who doesn’t stupidly wear suits while trying to mask his gross incompetence.

Result: San Fran gets fired up Vs a horrible opponent. 49’ers 35 Seahawks 6

TEXANS -9 Bengals

Weird that this word processing software lists “Bengals” as a spelling error. Weirder still that a bad team like the Texans could be giving  9 to anyone, man Cincy makes Dallas look calm, cool and collected by comparison,  I hate this game, I hate it a lot.

Result: One of these giant spread games has to get covered by a favorite to screw with my ‘take all the big dogs’ plan. Texans 28, Bengals 13

And finally

The 106 star Pick of the Century!

TITANS -4 vs. Colts

The Titans are the only good team in football, Period. The Titans defense is a beast not even light itself can escape. They have allowed all of 1 passing touchdown all year. The Titans will crush Peyton Manning and the useless Colts into dust and end their season, it shall be glorious. (All of this is said only so my horrific prediction can be thrown back in my face when the Colts win by 10)

Result: Mike the Dealer reclaims his money from Vegas. Titans 24, Colts 6
 
 

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