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Dr. Seuss'
The Grifter Who Stole Away From Alaska
by Gordon Brogan

Every Who down in Who-ville
Liked Alaska a lot... but the Grifter,
Who was the queen bitch of Wasilla,
Did NOT!

The Grifter hated Alaska! It had only one season!
Ironically for a secessionist, her thoughts were doubly treason
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on quite right
It could be, perhaps, that her arrest was in sight!

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that ambition proved the state was too small!
But, whatever the reason, in the mind of that shrew,
She stood there on this Alaskan day, hating the Whos!

Standing near her house with a sour, Grifter's frown
As the warm weathered faces now gathered 'round.
She knew that every reporter, blogger & blooping blee-blurd
Was listening to her now, hanging on to every word.

"Thank you all for coming!" she'd start with a sneer.
"My beloved Alaska! Why, there's nowhere nicer than here!"
Eyes nervously darting, said "But in order to serve y'all better...
I woke up bright & early & wrote my resignation letter!"

And then! The media noise!
Oh, the noise! Noise, sweet noise!
That's one thing she LOVED!
All that attention on her camera-ready poise!

She smiled contently to herself, no questions are taken
Maybe with this speech, she'll have managed to save her bacon!

But no, they had to go do something that she liked least of all
Every Who down in Who-ville, with impossible gall,
Would text one another, with rumours a flyin'
They'd laugh, mouth-in-hand. And the Whos would start slinging!

They'd sling! And they'd sling!

BUT... last night when the Grifter grumbled, for thin was her skin,
That's when the Grifter thought, "I must STOP this whole thing!
"Why for several months I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop these damn people from mocking...but HOW?"

That's when she got an idea!
An awful idea!
You betcha!

"I know just what to do!" The Grifter laughed in her throat.
And she wrote a quick speech (half Wikipedia, please note)
And she chuckled, and clucked, "This will do the trick!
With this speech and a wink, this bullshit will stick!"

"All I need is an excuse..." The Grifter thought up & down.
But her excuses were awful, and there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grifter...? No! The Grifter simply said,
"If I can't find excuses, I'll make them up instead!"

So she called up a spokeswoman and she fed her some shit.
(Later she proved so useless, Anderson Cooper called her on it)
THEN she called up some lawyers and some GOP guys
Laid out a suit while Bristol took a blade to her thighs

The Grifter said, "I've got big news. There's a deal going down!"
And the people in the media came around to her mound.
All their brows were furrowed. Quiet murmurs filled the air.
All the Whos were perplexed and wondered why they're there.

"Gosh, I'm all done," the old Grifting bitch hissed
And she listed her excuses, nearly shaking her fist.
She spun on the spot, because lies were her gift.
Whenever Sarah would do it, she felt the power of the Grift.

She got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
When she had to twist 80 lies into 4 almost half truths!
She had her family there, all lined up in a row.
"This family," she grinned, "follows me where ever i go!"

Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Her mouth stunk up the past, the future, even stunk up the present!
Mean bloggers! And liberals! David Letterman! Bums!
Democrats! Socialists! Mitt Romney! What scum!

And her speech, it dragged on. Till the Grifter ended, showing
Hands with drawn-on stigmata, which had everyone's mind blowing!

After the conference, she hugged herself with some glee
"And NOW!" grinned the Grifter, "I can focus on just me!!!"
Later she was handed a paper, and she started to panic
When she saw that her career was going down like the Titanic!

She read:

"Is she slunking down to Fox? Will she run the RNC beast?"
"Is she in big trouble? Couldn't she finish her term at least?!!"
"Will she clean out Alaska & leave as quick as a flash!"
"Why, that Grifter's gonna write a book & make millions in cash!!!"

She turned to an aide, and she strangled the Who
"What the hell does this mean, you bleeping son-of-a-bloop?!"
The Grifter's face turned red, her eyes burst into fire
Smoke spilled out her ears & she strangled him a little tighter.

He whimpered at the Grifter and said, "They all wonder why...
Why are you leaving Alaska NOW? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grifter was not so smart or slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!

"Why, my sweet little friend," her fake smile spread wide,
"They made my job harder, and they're all pretty snide.
So I'm taking a bit of Alaska with me, my dear.
I'll fix up the world. Then I'll come back right here!"

And her fib fooled the aide. Then she patted his head
And she walked to her office and packed up a sled.
And when Todd came around with a moosehead for her
She promised him a romp on a newly skinned fur!

Then they spent the night shoveling papers into a fire
Evidence poured out the chimney! "Burn!" cried the liar.
The office walls they left nothing but hooks, and some wire.
And the only thing left that they seemed to ignore
Was a post-it that was stuck to the once-carpeted floor!

Then they did the same thing to all the houses and stores
Leaving nothing much but a post-it on once-carpeted floors!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Whos, still a-tucked
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When they packed up their truck,
Packed it up with their very house! The shingles! The siding!
The wood panels! The wainscoting! The ducts! The plumbling!

Three thousand feet up! While not quite Mount McKinley,
This giant pile reached high up & it swayed kinda gently!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" she was grift-i-ly mewing.
"They're finding out now that Palin ain't through screwing!"

"They'll not take MY house! Oh no, that won't do!
Who do they think that those people are talking to?!
So I embezzled the supplies. They can just kiss my rear!
Oh Todd, Trig's bottle's empty, can you fill it with beer?!"

"Once I'm out of sight," grinned the Grifter,
"This whole place will be in tears!"

But she paused.

And the Grifter put a hand to her ear.

And she did hear a sound rising over the snow.

It started in low.

Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded merry!

It couldn't be so!

But it WAS merry! VERY!

She stared down at Wasilla!

The Grifter popped her eyes!

Then she shook!

What she saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Who down in the town,

The tall and the small...

Was singing!

Without anything at all!

She HADN'T grifted Alaska completely...

It just lived on...

Somehow or other...

And the Grifter, with a MILFy frown & her shoulders low,
Stood seething & seething: "Only dead fish go with the flow..."
I took all their money! I took all their faxes!
I took all their televisions, ATVs & their axes!"

And she seethed three hours, till her seether was sore.
Then the Grifter thought of something she hadn't before!
"Maybe Alaska," she thought, "doesn't need me at all!
Maybe America... has been clamoring for my fall!"

And what happened then...? Alaska they say
That the Grifter's huge ego
Shrunk three sizes that day!

And the minute her ego didn't feel quite so tight,
She whizzed off with her load
Through the bright morning light
And she shook her middle finger
And she held it for all to see
And she...
The Grifter said
"You ain't seen the last of ME!"


"Fair or unfair, I think she does herself a disservice to even mention it...When I hear a statement like that 
coming from a woman candidate with any kind of perceived whine about that excess criticism or, you know, 
maybe a sharper microscope put on her, I think, man, that doesn't do us any good. Women in politics, 
women in general wanting to progress this country. I don't think it's, it bodes well for her - a statement 
like that...It bothers me a little bit hearing her bring that attention to herself on that level."
    - On Hillary Clinton's complaints about her treatment by the media (March, 2008.)


Great Legs & Gams

(Sarah Palin)
I'm a Sham!

(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
That Sham-I-am!
That Sham-I-am!
We do not like that Sham-I-am!

(Sarah Palin)
Don't you like
great legs and gams?

(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
We do not like YOU, Sham-I-am!
Despite having
great legs and gams.

(Sarah Palin)
Would you like me
Here or there?

(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
We would not like you
While we do like
great legs and gams.
We don't like them
When they're on Sham-I-am!

(Sarah Palin)
Did you hear the scandal 'bout my house?
Be quiet or I'll squash you like a mouse!
I do not like you talking
About my house.
I do not like you reporting
That I'm a louse.
I do not like critics
here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.

They should like my great legs and gams,
You're not fair to ME, Sham-I-am!
Now, did I get
A job at Fox?
Am I somehow
Royally fucked?
Is Piper pregnant
From Todd's cock?
Am I quitting cuz
This job sucks!
Can't steal no more
They changed the locks?
Did I take this job
Just for the yuks?
Write a book
For a few million bucks?!

Oh, you'll see me
here or there
My face will be
Most everywhere
Marvel at my
great legs & gams
YOu betcha, gosh
Golly... ah, damn!

(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
We do not like you, Sham-I-am!
Even with your
Great legs & gams!


"I'm a fighter, not a quitter. So I am resigning as Governor."
    - Palin during her resignation speech (July 3, 2009.)

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