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This is from during my "blue period,"
mid-1996, when old Bob Dole
was running against Clinton and Ralph
Reed had a pretty firm grip
on the Republican party. Watch for a
special guest appearance by
the Jesus twins, Steve Largent and Tom
Coburn.
One more thing - this was written ten
years ago, when we had just
a few dozen readers. If you see a joke
that makes no sense, or if you
don't recognize someone's name, be glad
that you're that young.
Poker at Al's
Every now and then, GOP powerbrokers get together with bag men from
Big Cancer
and the NRA for a heavy cash exchange weakly disguised as a friendly
game of poker.
Rush: Hey, guys, look who I brought! Justice Thomas!
Clarence Thomas: No need to be so formal. Call me "Stymie."
Al D'Amato: Hi, Stymie.
Sonny Bono: Glad to meet you, Stymie.
Bob Dornan: Are you from Mexico? I'm not
going to play poker with
some goddamn jumping bean. Did you vote for Sanchez?
Jesse Helms: I thought this game was for whites only.
D'Amato: It's my clubhouse and Stymie can stay.
Helms: Well, I'll go. I'm late for a door-blocking, anyway.
Rush: First game is seven card stud - nothing wild - who didn't ante?
All: D'Amato!
Rush: Fonz, you cheatin' bastard, ante up.
Dan Quayle: Dittos on seven card stud, Rush.
Dornan: Stymie, last time I saw you, you were wearing a dress.
Thomas: You see, Rush? You See? People
remember.
Why I always gotta wear the dress?
I'm a Supreme Court judge.
Why I always gotta wear the dress?
Rush: Where's the food?
Quayle: Dittos on the food.
Rush: Knock off the dittos, Numbnuts.
Quayle: Dittos on the Knock offs.
Rush: Where's the goddamn food?
Dornan: Behind your fat ass, Moby! You
almost knocked
the dip off the table with your pilodinal cyst.
D'Amato: What in the world are we going
to do?
Our party is in a world of hurt. We need somebody
who can fight back, get us back in the White
House.
Bono: Bob, who do you like in 2000?
Dornan: Hell, I'd go with Rush.
D'Amato: He didn't mean as a bed partner, moron.
Dornan: I'm on my last nerve with you, Olive Oyl!
Rush: Stymie, pass those potato chips.
Thomas: Yowza, Massa.
Bono: Rush, have you been losing weight?
Rush: Yeah, almost 15 pounds. I did it with hypnosis.
Quayle: Hypnosis? Really? Show me! Show me!
Rush: I don't WANT to show you, so don't ask. Let's play cards.
Quayle: Please! Please! Please!
Rush: No, I'm not going to show you, so stop whining.
Quayle: Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!
Rush: OK, OK. OK. Just stop whining!!
(One minute later.)
Rush: Go ahead, boy. Tell them your name.
Quayle: (very seriously) ..I'm Batman!
All: (Howls of laughter)
Quayle: I must get to the BatCave at once!
Rush: Batman, you have your custume under
your clothes?
Show us your costume. (Danny starts
removing clothes.)
Bono: C'mon, Rush. Knock it off. He was Vice President!
Rush: Is that true, son? Were you once the Vice President?
Quayle: I'm Batman! I fight evildoers!
D'Amato: That's enough Rush. What if you can't bring him back?
Rush: Well, ....crime would drop... (Laughs)
D'Amato: For the love of fuck, Rush. Give Danny his mind back.
Rush: Why? What could they charge me with?
Petty theft? (Laughs)
OK, OK... Wake up, Danny.
(Quayle wakes up and looks around...)
Quayle: ...Please, Rush! Show me some hypnosis!
Rush: We already did that - so quit pestering me.
Quayle: ...Please, Rush! Pleeeeease show me some hypnosis!
Rush: Make him stop or he's Batman forever.
Dornan: Stop being such a shithead, Danny.
D'Amato: So, what will we do with four
more years of Clinton?
I'm not looking forward to my next senate race.
Maybe we'll have a decent candidate next time.
Dole: Fuck you, Al. Clinton's a tough cookie.
Dornan: That fucking dirty yellow coward
bastard Clinton!
He gets away with everything! Billyboy Clinton is like James Bond.
No matter how thick it gets, he ends up in the raft with the girl and a
bottle of Dom Perignon.
Rush: Hey, that's pretty good. Did you write that?
Dornan: ...Sure..yeah, I wrote that...yeah...
Rush: Stymie, get me more potato chips!
Stymie: Potato chips? Yes, Massa.
Quayle: Ooh! I can spell that word. let me try. ..P....O...
D'Amato: So far, so good.
Quayle: ..T...
Bela: You can DO it, Danny!
Quayle: ..A...
Dornan: Little bastard might get it this time.
Quayle: ..T...
All: Go, Danny, Go!
Quayle: ..O...
All: (Loud Cheers)
Quayle: ..E!
All: (Groans..)
Rush: Can we please just play some poker?
D'Amato: Hey, guys. Look who's back!
Pat Buchanan: Stymie, what are you doing
here?
I heard you lost $60,000 last week.
Jesus, that's really stupid, even for a ni......that's really stupid.
Clarence Thomas: Maybe Kweisi Mfume put a Voodoo curse on me. I'll do better tonight.
Dornan: Excuse me, Clarence, do you sing or dance?
Thomas: Why, no. I can't sing and I'm a rather clumsy dancer. Why do you ask?
Dornan: I heard the Village People hired
"a Conductor,"
and there's something about the way you move...
D'Amato: I have an idea...
Since Stymie lost so much last week,
Let's let him have the Magic Chair two weeks in a row..
Thomas: The Magic Chair? The one surrounded by mirrors?
D'Amato: Yep, you get the lucky chair two weeks in a row..
Thomas: Golly... Thanks guys
Rush: Fonz, you shameless whore.
D'Amato: Wait! Let me get this straight:
. YOU, Rush Limba, are calling ME a whore?
Quayle: I don't get it...
Buchanan: Knock it off, you three. Don't
start fighting again.
Anybody got any jokes this week?
Thomas: I heard a funny joke. Knock-Knock!
Quayle: I'll get it!!
Thomas: Sit down, fool. Knock-Knock!
Quayle: I'm COMING!
Buchanan: Stymie, you can't do Knock-Knock
jokes here.
It confuses the Vice President...
Dornan: Hell, I heard a pretty good joke.
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Give up?
Fur traders!!
...why isn't anybody laughing?
Rush: Let's play some damn poker.
The pot's not right. Who didn't ante?
All: D'Amato!!
Rush: Where are the pota....
I mean... Where are the corn chips?
Quayle: Oooh! Another chance!
Let me try to spell corn.
Dornan: Here we go again.
Quayle: ...C.... E..
McLaughlin: WRONG!!!
Quayle: I feel like such a tool...
Thomas: Excuse me, Master Rush. I was interested in hyp...hyp...
Rush: It's hypnosis, Slappy.
Thomas: Hyp-MOsis...hyp-MOsis...
Rush: No... it's hypnosis.
Thomas: Hyp-MOsis.
Rush: (sigh) Close enough.
Thomas: I know you've lost some weight
lately, and I'd like to see if your
hyp-Mosis could help me, too. Would you hyp-MOtise me?
Rush: Well.. you gotta to be smarter than Dan Quayle.
Quayle: I don't get it.
Rush: OK, let's try to concentrate...
Stare into my eyes - look deep...deep into my eyes.
Thomas: You have lovely eyes.
Rush: Later...
You're getting drowsy... your mind is afloat.
Thomas: My mind is a what?
Rush: Tell me, Slappy, what are you thinking?
Thomas: I.... I've never met Mr. Quayle
before.
He seems quite the gentleman. Is...Dan Quayle gay?
Rush: Why do you ask?
Thomas: He seems to prefer the company of men.
Rush: Who doesn't?
All: (Laughs)
Thomas: Is it true that Mrs. Quayle is a lesbian?
Rush: Worse - she's a smart woman.
Now, be very quiet and relax.
Listen to the sound of my voice and concentrate on
a shiny object in the room. Have you found an object?
Thomas: Yes. I'm staring at the award D'Amato
just got
from the Swiss Government - the 330 carat diamond.
Rush: You're getting very sleepy.
Thomas: Yes.....sleepy....like listening to your show...
Rush: Oh....you'll pay for that one. Yes
you will, Slappy.
God, I wish I was a Democrat....
Quayle: I don't get it.
Rush: OK, Slappy, listen to the sound of
my voice.
When I snap my fingers, you'll become a pirate. Understand?
You're a PIRATE from the goddamn Carribean.
You have an eye patch and you think you're a pirate
(Snap)
Thomas: AAAAAAAAARGH! Prepare to walk the
plank, matey.
AAAAAARRRGH! AAAAARRRRGH! AAAAAARRRGH!
Buchanan: I'll be go-to-hell. Look at that son-of-a-bitch go.
D'Amato: For the love of fuck! Rush, you're a genius!
Rush: Talent on loan from God.
Thomas: AAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAARGH!
AAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAARGH!
Rush: You can fucking STOP now, Slappy!
....Oh..... The silence feels good....
Listen to my voice, Slappy.
Now, you're a singing teapot.
(Snap)
Thomas: (singing) I'm a little teapot -
short and stout.
Here is my handle, here is my spout.
D'Amato: Rush, goddamn, this is awful,
but it's hilarious.
How can you do it so easily?
Rush: The more stupid a person is, the easier it is to hynotise them.
D'Amato: Oh, that explains your stranglehold on Quayle.
Quayle: I don't get it.
Rush: Now, you're a black man.
Quayle: But, Rush. He's already..
D'Amato: Shut up, Dillhole!
Quayle: Dillhole?
Mr. D'Amato, you're 64 years old. Dillhole?
D'Amato: Ok, then shut up, Dickhead. Feel better?
Crash!!
D'Amato: What the hell is that commotion at the door?
Masked Gunmen: Hands up everybody. This is a stick up!
---
What do the robbers want?
Money?
Or something infinitely more ...horrible?
Tune in RL-LNW next week
- Same fat-time,
- Same fat-channel