Land of the Screaming Eagles
Think of a land, far, far away, like where Frodo lives
of the Rings.
(I don't know that story, but just play along, OK?)
Now imagine that this land is sectioned into 10,000
People live happily in 9999 of these states, which
...the other one.
In this one particular state, called Jooland, they have a
Every few days in Jooland, giant screaming eagles fly
their mountain nests
and snatch men, women and children off the streets, one at a
time, and fly them kicking
and screaming back to their mountain nests and feed them - alive
- to their young.
Pretty horrible way to die, right?
Every few days, with more frequency it seems, the giant
eagles come down
from their mountain nests and snatch the innocent off the streets
of Jooland to be eaten alive.
The politicians and the military worked for decades to
problem of the screaming eagles
snatching innocents off the streets. They tried and tried but
nothing worked - nothing.
And then one day a low-IQ internet comedian named Bart
and offered a suggestion:
"Why not move everyone to one of the
9,999 states that don't have this problem?
If you love your children,
raise them here? Why volunteer them to the eagles?"
All at once, the people of Jooland pointed at Bart and
"Bart, what's wrong with you? Can you
be as stupid as people say?
You're so stupid, we think your
of 64 is most certainly exaggerated.
Can't you figure anything
You really can't figure this one out?"
And Bart replied, "Sorry, I really am that
can you explain it to me?"
"Well," the people
replied, "we doubt you'll understand, with
intelligence, but we'll try
explain it in small words and short sentences for you."
"You see, Bart, the Invisible Ghost
Clouds wants us to live here.
The Invisible Ghost told our
thousands of years ago that Jooland,
with all its screaming eagles,
the Holy Land and we should never leave it.
Perhaps if you weren't so stupid,
could understand our reasoning."
Bart was confused, and stood there
his head. He knew he wasn't the brightest
crayon in the box, but he still
understand, so he pressed on with his questioning.
"So, ...you're saying ...you'd rather
your children to the screaming eagles
than disappoint the Invisible
in the Clouds? Why not move to one of the
other 9,999 states? Why stay here,
the screaming eagles will eat your kids?
That doesn't make any sense to
The people of Jooland doubled over
"Bart, you're such a moron -
use what little brain God gave you, boy?
Sure, we love our children, but
Ghost says we need to stay here.
You aren't really that stupid
you can't see the obvious - are you?"
"Well," Bart replied,
don't have any kids myself, so it's pretty hard
for me to say but I carry a
slingglock with me at
all times, and I'm pretty good with it.
So if a screaming eagle tries
to get me or Mrs. Bart, he'll
be one dead f-ing bird,
I can guarantee that. But I just can't figure out why you'd rather the screaming
eagles feed your children to their young just to please
some invisble "cloud being"
and logic says doesn't even exist. Why do you do that?"
The people of Jooland laughed
into convulsions at the moronic Bartster.
They agreed Bart was just too stupid
understand their logic.
Bart decided he wasn't going to be
to persuade them, so he turned to return to his home.
A half mile into his journey, he
when he heard the alarm from Jooland.
Another screaming eagle had
child off the streets.
He watched as the winged monster flew higher and higher with
what looked like
a six-year old girl struggling in its claws - soon to be chewed
to death by the baby eagles.
Bart thought to himself, "The Invisible Ghost in the
must be pleased."
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