Current Issue
Back Issues
 Subscribe to BartBlog Feed
How to Read
Members ( need password)
Subscribe to BartCop!
Contact Us
Advertise With Us
Link to Us
Why Donate?
The Forum  -
The Reader
Poster Downloads
Shirts & Shots
BartCop Hotties
More Links
BFEE Scorecard
Perkel's Blog
Power of Nightmares
Clinton Fox Interview
Part 1, Part 2
Money Talks
Cost of Bush's greed
White Rose Society
Project 60
Chinaco Anejo


Search Now:
In Association with

Link Roll
American Politics Journal
Barry Crimmins
Betty Bowers
Consortium News 
Daily Howler
Daily Kos
Democatic Underground 
Disinfotainment Today 
Evil GOP Bastards
Faux News Channel 
Greg Palast
The Hollywood Liberal 
Internet Weekly
Jesus General
Joe Conason 
Josh Marshall
Liberal Oasis
Make Them Accountable 
Mark Morford 
Mike Malloy 
Political Humor -
Political Wire
Randi Rhodes
Rude Pundit 
Smirking Chimp
Take Back the Media
More Links


Locations of visitors to this page

Shock Bracelets
 by David Shaver

HANNITY: Something new has come out from the Department of Homeland Security. 
Something that will make us all safer when we travel, go to work, or go to church.

OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: What would that be, Sean?

HANNITY: This is a specially designed shock bracelet that people can wear so if evil doers 
commit a crime, then the police can shock them unconscious. I'm wearing one right now.

OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: Oh, let me see, Sean.

HANNITY: Here it is, right on my wrist.

OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: That goes so well right next to your watch. 
It's so attractive. Is it uncomfortable in any way?

HANNITY: Not at all. It slides comfortably up and down my arm and I don't even think about it during the day. 

OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: Well, that really looks good on you. Its color accents your beautiful eyes.

HANNITY: You know, I just feel safer whenever I wear my shock bracelet. It just makes me feel 
like the world is a much safer place to live in. So even if it were a little uncomfortable, which it's not, 
I wouldn't mind wearing it at all. It would just seem like my little sacrifice for the War on Terror.

OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: Sean, you are exactly right about that. It's just so wonderful to 
know that if anybody commits a crime, of if a international terrorist is about to blow up a building in 
hometown America, then the police can move right in and shock them to unconsciousness.

HANNITY: But you know, people in the American Communist Civil Liberties Union disagree 
that we should all be forced to wear these shock bracelets.

OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: FORCED to wear them? My goodness, where did they get that 
wacko idea? I wear mine because it makes me feel safer. And they come in all different colors, I can wear 
a different one every day of the week, if I want to. Or get a specific color to match my dress. I even have 
one that has some diamonds on it, for when I dress up for a formal occasion.

FOX NOISE PREACHER: And, if I could just say a little something here, if you don't mind. It was just 
last night that I was praying about the bracelets and God personally told me that He wanted everyone in 
the whole world to wear them. And to wear them all the time.

HANNITY: Well, there you go, from God's mouth to your ear!

OTHER FOX REPORTER: Oh, that is so wonderful. Don't you just love Jesus!

FOX NOISE PREACHER: And I'll tell you what I BELIEVE. I BELIEVE that every once in a while God
will inspire someone to invent something for the betterment of all mankind. You find that all the time in the 
Bible where God will inspire someone to invent something. And I truly BELIEVE that God inspired someone 
to invent these bracelets. You know, I don't think of them as Shock Bracelets at all. I think of them as God's 
Holy Word Bracelets, because right here in mine . Let me get a little closer to you so I can show you this
right here I can press a little button and you see that window opening? Now watch. It reveals a passage 
right out of the Bible. You get a different Bible verse every day of the year. And for those who can't read, 
you can also get a bracelet that will recite the passage aloud. It just makes me feel so much closer to Jesus, 
knowing that I'm carrying his Holy Word with me all the time.

OTHER FOX REPORTER: Ohhh, isn't that wonderful!

HANNITY: That really is. 

FOX NOISE PREACHER: And you know, I really BELIEVE that if God didn't want us to wear 
these Holy Word Bracelets, then they never would have been invented in the first place.

HANNITY: You can be sure of that.

OTHER FOX REPORTER: I just love Jesus and how He provides for all of his children. You can trust 
Him to provide just the right thing for his children, just when they need it. I know I shouldn't say that on 
a news program, but I just couldn't help myself.

HANNITY: That's alright. I think we all love the Lord, on this program.


FOX PREACHER: Praise Jesus.

HANNITY: Now, how do we get these Holy Word Bracelets?

FOX PRACHER: Before we get into that, if you don't mind, can I show you one other thing about 
the bracelets? Now we all know that sometimes we're all tempted to think things or do things that 
God wouldn't approve of, things that God calls sins. And since Jesus died for our sins, these things 
that we're tempted to think or do caused Jesus to suffer more on the cross than he had to. 
OTHER FOX REPORTER: Well, that's right. We all have chosen sin and have caused Jesus more 
pain on the cross than he should have had.

FOX PREACHER: I'm glad you see it that way. God bless you. So I got my Holy Word Bracelet
with this additional button right here. And I'm requiring all the people in my congregation to also 
get their bracelets with this button. 

HANNITY: So, what does that button do?

FOX PREACHER: When ever I begin to be tempted to think unholy thoughts or to do things that 
I know hurt Jesus, I can just press this button right here and it gives myself a shock. Of course I have 
to be in a safe place to do it, cause it might knock me out for a few seconds, but it really helps me 
to keep my mind clean and focused on the Lord.

OTHER FOX REPORTER: OHHHHHH, I want one of those, too.

FOX PREACHER: Well, I'm glad to hear that, because Jesus wants everyone to have this extra 
button on their bracelet. It will keep you "right with the Lord!"

HANNITY: Pastor, do you have to shock yourself every time you have a sinful thought?

FOX PREACHER: No, not at all. Not as long as you instantly recognize it as a sinful thought and
then cast it out of your mind, in the same way that the archangel Michael cast Satan out of Heaven. 
It's only for those times that you find that you have lingered and enjoyed that sinful thought. 
Once you get that recognition, it's time to get your mind clear for the Lord.

HANNITY: That's really something.

FOX PREACHER: Well, it really is, Sean. And as I tell my congregation, these Word of God bracelets 
are not just to be used on evil doers. In fact, that should be the exception. The bracelets are for all of us 
so that we can cleanse our own evil thoughts right out of our minds on a day-to-day basis. They're primarily 
to help the faithful remain even more faithful.

OTHER FOX REPORTER: That evil American Communist Civil Liberties Union declared these Word of God
bracelets to be the equivalent of the cat-o-nine-tails that Catholic monks use to use to whip themselves.

FOX PREACHER: Well, I just don't see that all. There's just no telling what those Jesus haters over at 
the Communist Civil Liberties Union will come up with next. This is a scientific procedure with bona vide 
research results. There are even results showing how the Word of God bracelets can cure homosexuals.

HANNITY: Cures fags, huh?


HANNITY: Sorry, didn't mean to use that term. Just slipped out.

FOX PREACHER: That's alright, Sean. You're right, though, they are fags. God forsaken, evil doing fags, 
that God, Himself, has rejected. And now, with these bracelets, there's some hope to bring them back to the Lord.

HANNITY: That's truly wonderful. I am completely amazed. Now in the little time left, pastor, where do we get these?

FOX PREACHER: Well, the bill got passed by Congress and signed into law yesterday. We all have to 
have these on our arms within 6 months. 

HANNITY: So the government is going to send them out to us?

FOX PREACHER: No, you have to go down to the Department of Homeland Security and get them 
specially fitted on you.

HANNITY: How can the government afford to put these on everyone. The device itself must cost money, 
and the people who specially fit them on you have to be paid. So isn't this going to just add to our national debt?

FOX PREACHER: Not at all. That's the really beautiful thing about this. As you will remember, 
Bill Clinton left the United States totally broke and in so much debt that it will take decades for us to climb out of it.

HANNITY: I remember that very well.

OTHER FOX REPORTER: I remember that, too. So disgraceful.

FOX PREACHER: Because of that, every person will be required to pay $500 to get the bracelet and have it fit on them. 

OTHER FOX REPORTER: OH, what a wonderful idea. With everyone buying one, the national debt will be paid off!

FOX PREACHER: That's right. And children over the age of two have to have bracelets fit on them, too.

HANNITY: But what about all the homeless people now wandering around as a result of the 2008
Bill Clinton Home Mortgage scandals?

FOX PREACHER: Well, anyone who can't afford one of these bracelets will be sent to what the government 
calls a military labor camp. There they do God's holy work, building roads, cleaning ditches, things like that. 
Or some of them will even work for businesses and industry that employ prisoners. That's the new thing and 
upcoming modern thing, you know, to have businesses employ all the prisoners. I'm not quite sure what they 
will be paid but I think it's around $1 a day. So it will take them about two years of work well, maybe a 
little longer cause they're not paid on the weekends or holidays

HANNITY: Maybe three years?

FOX PREACHER: Yea, something like two or three years to earn enough money to pay for their own shock bracelets.

HANNITY: Well, that's just wonderful. I'll tell you.

OTHER FOX REPORTER: You can say that again.

HANNITY: Well, pastor, it's always so wonderful to have you on the program. 
You're just doing so much for the Lord that I know you will receive multiple blessings from Him. God bless.

FOX PREACHER: Thank you, and God bless you, too. 

For more information on the new shock bracelets, visit:

  Back to

Send e-mail to Bart  |  Discuss it on The BartCop ForumComment on it at the BartBlog

Privacy Policy
. .