by David Shaver
HANNITY: Something new has come out from the Department
of Homeland Security.
Something that will make us all safer when we
travel, go to work, or go to church.
OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: What would that be,
HANNITY: This is a specially designed shock bracelet
that people can wear so if evil doers
commit a crime, then the police can shock them
unconscious. I'm wearing one right now.
OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: Oh, let me see, Sean.
HANNITY: Here it is, right on my wrist.
OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: That goes so well right
next to your watch.
It's so attractive. Is it uncomfortable in any
HANNITY: Not at all. It slides comfortably up
and down my arm and I don't even think about it during the day.
OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: Well, that really looks
good on you. Its color accents your beautiful eyes.
HANNITY: You know, I just feel safer whenever
I wear my shock bracelet. It just makes me feel
like the world is a much safer place to live
in. So even if it were a little uncomfortable, which it's not,
I wouldn't mind wearing it at all. It would just
seem like my little sacrifice for the War on Terror.
OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: Sean, you are exactly
right about that. It's just so wonderful to
know that if anybody commits a crime, of if a
international terrorist is about to blow up a building in
hometown America, then the police can move right
in and shock them to unconsciousness.
HANNITY: But you know, people in the American
Communist Civil Liberties Union disagree
that we should all be forced to wear these shock
OTHER FOX NOISE REPORTER: FORCED to wear them?
My goodness, where did they get that
wacko idea? I wear mine because it makes me feel
safer. And they come in all different colors, I can wear
a different one every day of the week, if I want
to. Or get a specific color to match my dress. I even have
one that has some diamonds on it, for when I
dress up for a formal occasion.
FOX NOISE PREACHER: And, if I could just say a
little something here, if you don't mind. It was just
last night that I was praying about the bracelets
and God personally told me that He wanted everyone in
the whole world to wear them. And to wear them
all the time.
HANNITY: Well, there you go, from God's mouth
to your ear!
OTHER FOX REPORTER: Oh, that is so wonderful.
Don't you just love Jesus!
FOX NOISE PREACHER: And I'll tell you what I BELIEVE.
I BELIEVE that every once in a while God
will inspire someone to invent something for
the betterment of all mankind. You find that all the time in the
Bible where God will inspire someone to invent
something. And I truly BELIEVE that God inspired someone
to invent these bracelets. You know, I don't
think of them as Shock Bracelets at all. I think of them as God's
Holy Word Bracelets, because right here in mine
. Let me get a little closer to you so I can show you this
right here I can press a little button and
you see that window opening? Now watch. It reveals a passage
right out of the Bible. You get a different Bible
verse every day of the year. And for those who can't read,
you can also get a bracelet that will recite
the passage aloud. It just makes me feel so much closer to Jesus,
knowing that I'm carrying his Holy Word with
me all the time.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: Ohhh, isn't that wonderful!
HANNITY: That really is.
FOX NOISE PREACHER: And you know, I really BELIEVE
that if God didn't want us to wear
these Holy Word Bracelets, then they never would
have been invented in the first place.
HANNITY: You can be sure of that.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: I just love Jesus and how
He provides for all of his children. You can trust
Him to provide just the right thing for his children,
just when they need it. I know I shouldn't say that on
a news program, but I just couldn't help myself.
HANNITY: That's alright. I think we all love the
Lord, on this program.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: I know I do.
FOX PREACHER: Praise Jesus.
HANNITY: Now, how do we get these Holy Word Bracelets?
FOX PRACHER: Before we get into that, if you don't
mind, can I show you one other thing about
the bracelets? Now we all know that sometimes
we're all tempted to think things or do things that
God wouldn't approve of, things that God calls
sins. And since Jesus died for our sins, these things
that we're tempted to think or do caused Jesus
to suffer more on the cross than he had to.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: Well, that's right. We all
have chosen sin and have caused Jesus more
pain on the cross than he should have had.
FOX PREACHER: I'm glad you see it that way. God
bless you. So I got my Holy Word Bracelet
with this additional button right here. And I'm
requiring all the people in my congregation to also
get their bracelets with this button.
HANNITY: So, what does that button do?
FOX PREACHER: When ever I begin to be tempted
to think unholy thoughts or to do things that
I know hurt Jesus, I can just press this button
right here and it gives myself a shock. Of course I have
to be in a safe place to do it, cause it might
knock me out for a few seconds, but it really helps me
to keep my mind clean and focused on the Lord.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: OHHHHHH, I want one of those,
FOX PREACHER: Well, I'm glad to hear that, because
Jesus wants everyone to have this extra
button on their bracelet. It will keep you "right
with the Lord!"
HANNITY: Pastor, do you have to shock yourself
every time you have a sinful thought?
FOX PREACHER: No, not at all. Not as long as you
instantly recognize it as a sinful thought and
then cast it out of your mind, in the same way
that the archangel Michael cast Satan out of Heaven.
It's only for those times that you find that
you have lingered and enjoyed that sinful thought.
Once you get that recognition, it's time to get
your mind clear for the Lord.
HANNITY: That's really something.
FOX PREACHER: Well, it really is, Sean. And as
I tell my congregation, these Word of God bracelets
are not just to be used on evil doers. In fact,
that should be the exception. The bracelets are for all of us
so that we can cleanse our own evil thoughts
right out of our minds on a day-to-day basis. They're primarily
to help the faithful remain even more faithful.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: That evil American Communist
Civil Liberties Union declared these Word of God
bracelets to be the equivalent of the cat-o-nine-tails
that Catholic monks use to use to whip themselves.
FOX PREACHER: Well, I just don't see that all.
There's just no telling what those Jesus haters over at
the Communist Civil Liberties Union will come
up with next. This is a scientific procedure with bona vide
research results. There are even results showing
how the Word of God bracelets can cure homosexuals.
HANNITY: Cures fags, huh?
OTHER FOX REPORTER: Ha, ha, ha.
HANNITY: Sorry, didn't mean to use that term.
Just slipped out.
FOX PREACHER: That's alright, Sean. You're right,
though, they are fags. God forsaken, evil doing fags,
that God, Himself, has rejected. And now, with
these bracelets, there's some hope to bring them back to the Lord.
HANNITY: That's truly wonderful. I am completely
amazed. Now in the little time left, pastor, where do we get these?
FOX PREACHER: Well, the bill got passed by Congress
and signed into law yesterday. We all have to
have these on our arms within 6 months.
HANNITY: So the government is going to send them
out to us?
FOX PREACHER: No, you have to go down to the Department
of Homeland Security and get them
specially fitted on you.
HANNITY: How can the government afford to put
these on everyone. The device itself must cost money,
and the people who specially fit them on you
have to be paid. So isn't this going to just add to our national debt?
FOX PREACHER: Not at all. That's the really beautiful
thing about this. As you will remember,
Bill Clinton left the United States totally broke
and in so much debt that it will take decades for us to climb out of it.
HANNITY: I remember that very well.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: I remember that, too. So disgraceful.
FOX PREACHER: Because of that, every person will
be required to pay $500 to get the bracelet and have it fit on them.
OTHER FOX REPORTER: OH, what a wonderful idea.
With everyone buying one, the national debt will be paid off!
FOX PREACHER: That's right. And children over
the age of two have to have bracelets fit on them, too.
HANNITY: But what about all the homeless people
now wandering around as a result of the 2008
Bill Clinton Home Mortgage scandals?
FOX PREACHER: Well, anyone who can't afford one
of these bracelets will be sent to what the government
calls a military labor camp. There they do God's
holy work, building roads, cleaning ditches, things like that.
Or some of them will even work for businesses
and industry that employ prisoners. That's the new thing and
upcoming modern thing, you know, to have businesses
employ all the prisoners. I'm not quite sure what they
will be paid but I think it's around $1 a day.
So it will take them about two years of work well, maybe a
little longer cause they're not paid on the weekends
HANNITY: Maybe three years?
FOX PREACHER: Yea, something like two or three
years to earn enough money to pay for their own shock bracelets.
HANNITY: Well, that's just wonderful. I'll tell
OTHER FOX REPORTER: You can say that again.
HANNITY: Well, pastor, it's always so wonderful
to have you on the program.
You're just doing so much for the Lord that I
know you will receive multiple blessings from Him. God bless.
FOX PREACHER: Thank you, and God bless you, too.
For more information on the new shock bracelets,
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