Survivor Ageism week 1
Episode 1: The King
(Russell) is dead long live the King (Jimmy Johnson)
Kelly lost her leg when she was six months old.
Her fake leg has been part of her since before she can remember.
And why is she limping? In 25 years, she hasn't got the hang of walking smoothly yet?
Naonka says “Bitch, you bring your one legged ass into my world?! You’re in for a world of hurt!”
or something like that, man I hope she was goaded into saying that by production, because she looks awful for saying that.
Jimmy Johnson pukes his guts out, which gets an old man named Jimmy T. to complain about him sucking.
Jimmy T. will be shown to be full of anger.
That morning King Jimmy Johnson holds court, complaining that so far, this game has really sucked. Various members
of his tribe look at him while he whines, including an older, in shape looking black dude who gets 0 camera time.
This episode is literally “Shannon, the one legged girl, and Jimmy Johnson, and not in that order.” King Jimmy does a
promo re-stating how much this has sucked, and man alive, does it suck, production works to start handing him
hidden immunity idols like they did Russell, along with food and a bed, so he’ll stick around. ha ha
Back to Team Whippersnapper where Chase, the muscle head Shannon was railing against women to before, is now
taking to the hot asian lady now given the name Brenda. Brenda used to cheer for the Miami Dolphins so she knew
Jimmy Johnson. She Pavarti’s Chase, declaring “I like your spirit”. Just give her the check now and save us all time.
Chase babbles about how he’s now conflicted because he is in a woman hating alliance with Shannon, but well,
the hot babe and him are now an alliance too, so he’s all conflicted, man Survivor’s HARD.
Poor totally doomed Shannon, he’s got no shot of winning out in a battle for Chase’s vote with Brenda.
Brenda tells us that guys generally do what she tells them to do, and knowing that the guys have an alliance is good for her,
since she’ll use that to get to the end. How exactly she’d defeat that 5 man alliance is left for another time, but I got faith in her.
A girl named Alina goes out with Kelly B and they find the clue to a hidden immunity idol, which bums Alina out
because she doesn’t want to be allied with peg-leg the sympathy vote getter. Man poor Kelly B. everyone just HATES her
for daring to play survivor with one leg, I don’t remember Chad getting this treatment on his season.
Off to the immunity challenge where the talk of the day is Jud becoming Fabio and the Kelly girls being both “Kelly” of course
Kelly B. is “The girl with one leg who we’re voting off because we’re scared to death of sympathy votes for her.”
The challenge is using gutters to funnel water into a bucket, and once the bucket drops, it’ll free up a bag of puzzle pieces
you have to then use to solve a puzzle, winning tribe gets immunity, losing tribe votes somebody out.
Jeff then reveals that the MoP will be a big edge for the tribe that has it in challenges, and if the old folks use the MoP now,
they get a 1 bucket o’ water head start over the Whippersnappers, but if you use the MoP, it flips to the other tribe, and really
the extra bucket of water is a crap advantage, since the game will be won or lost in the puzzle phase of the challenge, it really
doesn’t matter how big an edge you have going into the puzzle phase, unless it’s like, 2-3 minutes or so worth of a head start.
The old folks see that this isn’t exactly a physical challenge and that they should be able to hang with the kids, and the MoP’s
not going to give them that big an edge, so they decide to keep it and play on a level playing field with the kids, this is the right call.
This is borne out by the fact that they only barely lose out on the ‘fill the bucket’ phase of the challenge,
and get blown away in puzzle building. The kids win Immunity and celebrate, the old folks grump.
One thing I have to say about this challenge is the very poor decision making by the tribes. For the old folks you got
Jimmy Johnson, who’s a pretty bright guy, or so I’d be led to believe by his coaching career, and he’s stuck holding a
gutter that anyone could hold, instead of supervising the puzzle building? Both tribes had a woman pouring the water,
5 men holding gutters, and 4 women working the puzzle. I’m really confused by that. Are all the men morons?
Is holding gutters really that physically taxing? Shannon talked like he was a survivor addict and Jimmy Johnson says he’d
watched every second of the franchise, do these people not work on puzzle building skills before they come on this show,
don’t they know that over half the challenges on this show involve solving puzzles? Honestly, ANYONE could hold a gutter,
and the water part of this challenge is NOT where it will be decided, and that's what you do, put yourself on the sidelines
for the make or break part of this challenge? Boston Rob would be solving this puzzle 100% of the time, I promise you.
Jimmy hopes his tribe just makes the smart call and votes out a weak player, keeping the tribe strong,
so they can go into the next challenge still holding the MoP and be able to even up the sides.
Fresh from the challenge Jimmy T. turns into a ranting maniac and demands Jimmy Johnson go home, he flips out while
saying this and really seems to be angling to get himself sent home under the ‘this guy has lost it’ theory of Survivor-booting.
I agree - maybe it was funny editing, but they guy went postal for no visible reason.
And if nothing else, JJ's motivational skills should come in pretty handy, here.
Jimmy Johnson and Holly walk the beach, and Jimmy tells Holly that either Wendy or himself should go home for being weak,
which is a rather noble thing to admit. Holly laments that she got herself into an alliance right quick with Wendy and now well,
Wendy’s likely dead meat, being weak and weird and all.
Holly tells folks what Jimmy said and this starts a discussion where nobody really wants to stick their neck out and be
the person to get the ball rolling on voting out Wendy or Jimmy. Marty gets the final word before tribal and says that both
Wendy and Jimmy suck and ‘we’ll just have to see how it plays out.’ As if he doesn’t already know.
We go to tribal, and Wendy acts like a loon, and goes home as everyone votes her out.
Bye Wendy, the first of three women on the Geezer Tribe with weird accents that annoy me.
That was weird.
Wendy had been so quiet, she wasn't even making friends, much less any alliances. But at Tribal,
she wouldn't shut up and even asked Jeff for MORE time to ramble on and on, sealing her fate.
Have you even seen someone go from "nobody" to "I can't f-ing stand you" in three minutes?
Well we got to know next to nobody really. A bunch of people got no promo time, Shannon and Marty
were the big TV getters that were not Jimmy Johnson, and they did little beside be generic Alpha male types.
Almost all the rest of the Whippersnapper promos were comments about Kelly B’s fake leg.
The old folks promos were mostly just talking about Jimmy Johnson.
For the sake of not beating me to death with Jimmy Johnson I hope he goes in the next 3 weeks or so,
which I think he will, the game is beating the hell out of him and he’d already set himself up to be the
next old person voted out, by declaring himself 2nd weakest behind the now gone Wendy. Once he’s out,
hopefully more old folks can talk to the camera and not talk about Jimmy Johnson.
As for the young folks, they are a buncha scumbags given their blinding hatred of the girl with a fake leg,
man that stuff is just cold. Of course they can excuse it by claiming she’s ‘weak’ but really, does anyone think
there’s going to be pure strength based challenges on a season where they made it 40 and older Vs 30 and under?
The real fun for the young folks will be if we do get a Shannon Vs Brenda show down for control of the tribe.
Well hopefully week 2 will be less Jimmy Johnson/Fake Leg plot and more honest survivoring.
Questions/comments send them to Mikethedealer@hotmail.com
Mike, well done - thanks.