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SURVIVOR:
Heroes Vs Villains Episode 1
by Mike the Dealer
Welcome Back Everyone!
The show opens with the 2 tribes landing on a
beach in helicopters. We’re treated to confessionals
from various and sundry people who remind us
of who they are. Coach is still an idiot, Cirie is still awesome.
Boston Rob is still Rob, and Rupert still sucks.
About the only new character development we get is that Russell
is a bit intimidated by this cast, said intimidation
lasts only 5 minutes, so don’t worry.
We land and the Heroes love being heroes, the
Villains not so thrilled about being Villains. Jeff Probst the host of
the show greets our cast, now I seldom swear
on Bartcop, and I’ll try to keep to 2 or less swears a recap, but I do
feel the need to point out that Probst is a misogynist
piece of shit. His first series of questions are all directed towards men,
and when he finally gets around to talking to
a woman, Pavarti, he does so only to reassure her that she is a villain
and evil
and awful. He even uses “alliance of woman” as
part of his slurs against her, cause again, woman are bad when you’re Probst.
We open right away with a reward challenge, which
is flint to make fire. The challenge is a wrestling challenge, and on the
opening round the hero women have Steph get a
shoulder dislocated. Events of note include Sandra unhooking Sugar’s bra
but Sugar not caring and running topless to score
for her team (and then flipping off everyone, if they are gonna blur her
whole chest, might as well give them more to
blur) Coach was somehow able to out-physical Colby, which sparks a snarky
commentary from Tyson about what a emasculating
turn of events that had to be for Colby. And finally Rupert breaks a toe…
Since I hate Rupert this is a good thing.
The Heroes win and get flint. We go to the Villain
camp and Russell instantly starts the same game he had last time,
which is talking up the ladies. Danielle accepts
an alliance, as does Pavarti, but Pavarti explains that she knows Russell
is
scamming her and that she’s just going along
with him rather than try to fight him at this point. Russell of course
thinks he
has the game knocked and that he’ll finally get
a jury that respects game play and they’ll give him his million dollars.
We get to the hero side and the heroes are all
‘we’re awesome’ Amanda talks about the great karma they all have on team
hero…
Suddenly some chickens (That were absolutely
100% not unleashed near their camp by production!) appear
in the camp
and get captured by the Heroes, Rupert lets us
know the Heroes are awesome, and everything’s coming up Millhouse.
We get back to Villain camp with everyone rehashing
the beating the Heroes have taken and Coach’s shocking win over Colby.
Jerri is smitten with Coach. Russell and Pavarti
tease Coach about this in the morning. Meanwhile Sandra and Courtney tease
Jerri about it. So Coach and Jerri end up in
an alliance, but they worry people might think it’s an unbreakable alliance
and thusly target them.
Back to Heroes camp, JT and James form the “He-Man
Woman Hater’s Club” (Which must delight Probst) with a comment about
not wanting ‘flower power’ to be running the
game. In an aside JT lets us know that he’s not going really go to final
2 with James,
he’s just going to make tons of alliances. Then
Colby and Candice talk about people who played together forming alliances,
as well as seeing the obvious JT/James alliance.
This brings about a quick shot of Steph and Tom who played together, and
Cirie
and Amanda who played together. Amanda asks Cirie
if she’s already beaten the game yet, Cirie tells her it’s close, but not
quite
(I might be overstating Cirie’s powers, but I
doubt it) We then get to a Steph/Tom pow wow where Tom explains he wants
a winner
to face him at the end, so the jury won’t just
give the million to a non-winner, so he strikes up an alliance with JT,
his tribe’s other
resident winner (Ignoring that Rupert got handed
a million bucks also) JT lets us know that he’ll cut people’s throats,
because
honor is for suckers….JT is playing survivor
correctly, good on JT.
We get back to Villain camp, the where Boston
Rob curses the Villains for being lazy as hell. Randy tells Boston Rob
that a lack
of trying to get fire won’t have anyone voted
out, and making fire won’t save anyone, but Rob organizes a group to make
an attempt
and they get fire, which delights the Villains.
Rob celebrates his fire victory in an aside. Coach, who’s already in love
with Jerri,
now loves Boston Rob. Coach has his heart all
over the place. Russell instantly declares that he will defeat Boston
Rob and become
champion of the Villains…Which is what I expected.
I’m awesome at making predictions…Just ignore what I said about the last
few people standing when you see who gets voted
out tonight.
We get back to Heroes camp where Rupert pretty
much destroys their flint. JT gives it a whirl and gets fire almost instantly,
making Rupert sad, because he’s now totally useless.
Rupert is shockingly edited to look angry and upset, which is not how
Rupert, America’s Hero gets edited normally.
Boston Rob talks about a giant tree he was going
to try to climb to get fruit, but that it’s too much work and likely could
fall
and break his leg. He makes a speech in an aside
about how some idiot will assuredly go after the tree, and the producers
do
a HILARIOUS shot of Coach looking all smug and
cocky, on his way to battle with the tree. Coach busts out the term
“Iron Sharpens Iron” which is an inside joke
for me. Sandra and Boston Rob make a bet on Coach’s success/failure,
and Sandra says she wouldn’t mind allying with
Rob. Coach of course, fails.
Back to the Heroes tribe for night 2….Sugar tries
to hit on Colby, but all she ends up doing is annoying Colby and waking
up
the whole tribe. This is an awesome game plan
knowing the next day will be an immunity challenge (Immunity challenges
normally
happen once every 3 days) denying your tribe
sleep and making a scene is a great way to play the game.
Morning of day 3 JT breaks the rooster’s neck
and they eat him. JT really playing up his ‘hayseed’ persona. Colby
cuts a promo
about how the Villains lack fire and are screwed.
Colby is out of the loop. To further prove this point we go to a roaring
fire at the
Villains tribe, and they read the tree mail stating
the first immunity challenge is on the way.
At the Immunity challenge the tribes meet up (Rupert
is of course carrying the flag for the Heroes because that’s the kind of
stupid
stuff he cares about). The Heroes talk up how
good their camp is, while the Villains downplay their camp, not even admitting
to having fire.
The challenge is ‘build a boat, sail the boat,
get fire, solve a puzzle, then solve a minor puzzle, use fire to
light something on fire and win!’
No it’s really that complex…Honest…Heroes open
a huge lead in the boat building, but completely fall apart on solving
the first puzzle,
where Sandra and Boston Rob really take charge
and figure it out really quickly, the Heroes never recover and the Villains
win with ease.
Sugar, having already screwed up by keeping her
tribe up all night, decides that crying is the right play now. Colby declares
Sugar dead.
We get the rare treat of seeing the winning tribe post immunity challenge and the Villains revel in defeating the Heroes.
Everyone’s in good spirits, Coach and Russell
play see-saw breaking a board across a log. Boston Rob gives the tribe
‘an 8 out of 10’
for how they did today. Sandra celebrates, but
doesn’t really bring up how vital she was to the challenge, since she was
lead puzzle solver
with Boston Rob and that was where the challenge
was won.
We get back to Heroes camp for the cutting of
the throat. Sugar is a wreck, and she wants Amanda voted out.
The group wants Sugar gone, but only Tom sees
the truth, and the truth is you MUST VOTE OUT CIRIE! She’ll kill you all!
Cirie of course, sees all and knows all, and she
wants to keep Sugar around cause she’s a useful weak player who’ll vote
her way,
and she wants Tom and Steph broken up. This right
here is the key to Survivor, the bad players take the easy vote. Colby,
James,
Candice, even JT and Steph just figured
they would vote out Sugar cause she’s been an idiot around camp and blew
the challenge.
The strong players like Tom and Cirie see that
Sugar can be voted out whenever, and that now is as good a time as any
to strike at
a strong player and rid yourself of them.
Amanda and Cirie debate Sugar being worthless
in challenges Vs Steph, who’s good in challenges, but also is with Tom
and plays
a good social game. Amanda declares that she
and Cirie are ‘out for blood’.
We go to Tribal, and Jeff stirs the pot, I hate
Tribal so much since Jeff asks just annoying questions and plays favorites.
We finally get to the voting, nobody shows a
vote…Or I missed it, sorry if I did….
First 4 votes are for Sugar, then a vote for Amanda,
and then the rest for Sugar. She takes it well enough and leaves, Cirie
and Tom
gaze balefully at each other, knowing they shall
clash upon the chessboard that is Survivor again soon enough.
Sugar’s farewell has her admit that she should have been voted out. So she took it well in both her walk off and her speech, good on Sugar.
NEXT WEEK: Boston Rob dies. This sucks.
Thoughts: The Heroes seem to be weirdly fractured,
JT’s got alliances with James/Tom and most likely anyone else who’s talked
to him…
Tom’s with Steph, Amanda is with Cirie. Rupert’s
kind of lost, Candice is just sorta there. You need 5 for a solid majority,
the question is
really, which twosome (Cirie/Amanda, JT/James,
Tom/Steph) makes a deal with what other twosome. Colby and Candice were
kind of
talking also. 5 votes would be a death grip on
the tribe, so whoever can find them is pretty much safe to the merger,
who’ll be able to do it
is the question. Rupert could go next if all
the fractured alliances can’t figure out how to get to 5 votes, better
to take the free boot of
Rupert and then review the situation after then
go for a power play and find out you’re on the wrong end of it.
The Villains are in an odd place, if Boston Rob
is in fact dead well then pretty much the question will be “How long will
everyone
pretend to let Russell run the game before they
get sick of him” if Rob lives, then the question is who wins the Russell/Rob
power struggle,
and then after they win it, how long does the
rest of the alliance let them have power…It really seems like everyone’s
a leader and nobody’s
a follower in the Villains, with the exception
of Danielle. I can see Jerri/Coach/Rob/Tyson/Pavarti as an alliance, that
is of course pending Rob living.
Till next week, any questions or comments E-mail
me at Mikethedealer@hotmail.com
and
I promise to have the Super Bowl results up soon.
I’m not hiding them cause I picked Indy, honest!
Bart's two cents:
IMO, Boston Rob owns this show.
I wondered why the show was edited to make him
appear to be such a minor player.
They had ten quotes from Russell, the second
strongest player, but only one from BRob.
In the first hour, BRob was hardly mentioned or shown on camera - then he broke open hueueueuege.
The Villains were whining, "Why try to make fire
(So they can drink the boiled water)? It's too hard,
it'll never work so why should we even try?"
Boston Ron then creates fire, causing the others
to stand around with their mouths open as if they
just witnessed Boston Rob turning sand into gold.
Coach speaks for everyone,
"I have a man-crush on my new Idol," meaning
Rob.
So Ron is King and he likes being King.
At the immunity challenge, Ron and Sandra are
the brains but the other Villians can't pull their heads out of
their asses building the boat so they fall behind
BIG time. But the heroes blow their lead and Rob and Sandra
(mostly Rob) zoom.thru that puzzle and win immunity
and the Villians start to understand how good Rob is.
In the first show (we were delighted it was a
two-hour premier - that wasn't mentioned) Rob established
himself as the best guy on either team - but
he's unconscious in the previews for next week.
We hear a thud, as if Rob was walking and slipped and hit his head.
They show the medical team working on him as his eyes roll back into
his head
so we'll assume he's OK with just a temporary setback.
From the first two hours, this looks like it could be the best season
ever.
Too bad Survivor All-Stars winner Amber isn't playing, but she's home
with Boston Rob's kid - I think she's hot.
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