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Vol 100 - The Wizard of Ahhs

BartCop Presents...

 RL-LNW  Volume 100 - The Wizard of Ahhs

July 27, 1997

I was looking forward to a quiet evening.

Mrs. BartCop was in Dallas visiting her folks, so I thought I'd
use the time to check out this "Dark Side of the Wizard of Oz"
craze that's been sweeping the Net.

If you haven't heard, they say if you start Pink Floyd's "Dark Side"
at the same time as "The Wizard of Oz," you'll see startling,
can't-be coincidences in the two, so I decided to see for myself.

I was careful to start the CD on the third roar of the MGM lion.
They say it's important to synch the start with the third roar.
The movie and CD began to play...

The first few minutes were uneventful...
I tried to follow the clues I got from the Pink Floyd newsgroup.
I must say, much of the "coincidences" were pretty lame.
For instance, while listening to the song "Breathe,"
it appeared that Dorothy was breathing.

Cheeses, Biblical prophesy holds more water.

But after a few moments, a strange feeling came over me.
I felt an eerie accelleration, a kind of "speeding" effect.
I thought I saw the walls of my living room "breathing,"
but of course, that wasn't possible...  right?
My mind was racing and I was seeing things in stereo.

It was almost like the descriptions of LSD "tripping" that
I'd heard from my college friends. One would think I was having
an LSD "flashback," but that's not possible, since I've never
done any LSD, not even back in college in the 70's.  (cough)

The Wizard of Oz continued to play on the TV as Pink Floyd fell out of my speakers.
I hadn't heard "Dark Side" in years. Christ, what a piece of work!
I'd forgotten how great a piece of music it is.

On the TV screen, Dorothy rode her bike towards her house, trying to get home
before the terrible tornado could get her. I, too, felt a sense of panic as the feelings
of dread seemed to grow stronger and stronger.

I felt her fear.
Why was I feeling this way?
It made no sense.

I felt a shiver go up my back, causing me to shrug my shoulders with a whiplash motion.
Each time that happened, it seemed like ol' BartCop got a ball park higher than before.

I tried to concentrate on the movie, tried to use my mind to overcome the sense of doom
that seemed to be rushing towards me. The panic seemed to get stronger and stronger.
I felt like Mr. Spock anticipating Pon Far.

I wondered if the GOP hadn't somehow found a way to get to me.
As you know, back in Volume 94, the GOP tried to assassinate me, because I've been
shining the light of truth on Ditto-heads.  The GOP was willing to murder 141 people on that 
flight from Las Vegas to Tulsa, using Clarence "Slappy" Thomas as a tool to stop the publication 
of truths in RL-LNW!!

Clarence - he's such a tool...

I tried harder to focus, to control my thoughts.
I fought and fought to build walls in my brain, imagining that the evil couldn't get me
if I kept a wall between it and me.  I was fighting for control of my mind.

Just as I thought they might be winning, I glanced back at the TV, and I couldn't believe it...
What I was seeing?

I saw something funny.
Not only was it funny-peculiar, but it was also funny ha-ha.

Staring at the Wizard of Oz, staring at the Dorothy character,
who we all know was played by Judy Garland...    I saw......

Bob Dole.

Dorothy had Bob Dole's face!

My fear and panic turned into amusement.
No, it was more than amusement, it was actually funny!
No, it was past funny, it was downright fucking hysterical!

Bob Dole, wearing a dress, was flying in Dorothy's spinning house,
riding out the terrible F-5 Kansas tornado from Hell.
I know this is hard to imagine, but let me assure you,
Bob Dole in a dress makes one ugly woman!

My fear was gone, replaced with titters, then non-stop laughter, and before long, I was stuck in a
can't-breathe laughing wormhole!  I couldn't stop, and I was getting sore. My ribs and sides were hurting
really bad. I haven't been this out of breath since I sat in for Micheal Flatly in the summer of 1995.

I poured myself a Black Russian, because I remember once on an old Saturday Night Live,
when Dan Akroyd was playing Jimmy Carter, a panicky LSD-tripper called him for advice,
and "Jimmy" told the kid to drink a beer if he had one, because alcohol was a depressant that
would counter the speed effect of LSD,   ...assuming that's what my problem was.

The drink seemed to calm me down, so I had another.

Just as I felt like I had a little control over myself again,
I noticed Dorothy's dog looked just like B-1 Bob Dornan!

He was yapping and yapping and never stopped.
I was doing OK until Dorothy called her dog "Re-count."

That set me off laughing again, but it was WORSE this time.
Re-count was staring right at me, and by now, I'm in a bucket.
I thought about calling 911.
I felt like I was seeing a slow-moving UFO or something...

So Dorothy stood up from the no-longer-spinning bed and walked towards her bedroom door.
When she opened the door, the picture changed from black and white to technicolor.
That set off another wave of spinning colorwheels in my head. At this point,
I wished I had tried LSD back in college, so I'd know how to handle this trip...

Re-count jumped into Dorothy's arms as she took her first steps into this new, multi-colored universe.
Just as she did, the alarm clocks from "Time" on Dark Side exploded from my speakers,
shooting me into yet another higher plane of non-reality.

I grabbed the arms of my La-Z-Boy and held on, trying to concentrate
on controlling my laughing spasms. I poured another Russian, too.

As Dorothy stepped into the strange, new land, she heard titters.
Slowly, hundreds of "little people" revealed themselves to him/her.

Dorothy asked "Where am I?"

A tiny man said "This is Sply-Side City."

A small person with a goatee told Dorothy Dole that she'd just landed
her house on Nancy, the Wicked Bitch of the West, killing her.

Dorothy Dole asked, "Am I in trouble?"

Dorothy denied any culpability, but she suggested they appoint a
bi-partisan, blue-ribbon committee to study the situation.

Just then, Ralph, the Wicked Bitch of the East appeared.

Ralph Witch: You killed my friend, Nancy.
                       I'll get you for this, my pretty!!

Then the GOOD Witch, Barbara, dropped by in a bubble and told the evil Ralph Bitch
to take a fucking hike. Ralph disappeared, but Dorothy knew she hadn't seen the last of him/her.

Dorothy looked around and was amazed at the spectacle.
The tiny Mayor of Sply-Side City, who looked like Tom Delay, asked him/her, "Where is your home?"

Dorothy/Dole wasn't sure what to say.
She wanted to tell the truth, but who WERE these people?
She decided to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth.

"Dorothy's from Kansas, and she has a luxury condo in
  Loserville, Florida plus a suite at the Watergate."

They ignored that straddle, and started dancing and singing:

"Ding, Dong, the Bitch is dead.
 The mean old witch, the Wicked Bitch.
 Ding Dong, the Wicked Bitch is dead..."

Then, Mayor Delay welcomed her with a proclamation and
a tiny trio of citizens walked up and start singing:

"We represent the Rifle Lob-Bee,
                       the Rifle Lob-Bee,
                       the Rifle Lob-Bee,
                       and in the name of,
                       the Rifle Lob-Beeeeeeeeeeee,
                       ....weeee'd like to welcome you with tons of cash."

Then they dumped bundles of used $100 bills at his/her feet.

Jesus, their voices had the same pitch as Liddy Dole.
Does everyone in Sply-Side speak this way?

Then, another trio of altitude-challenged people...

"We represent the Cancer Lob-Bee,
                       the Cancer Lob-Bee,
                       the Cancer Lob-Bee,
                       and in the name of,
                       the Cancer Lob-Beeeeeeeeeeeee,
                       ....weeee'd like to welcome you with tons of cash."

More money.
Bags of bundles of used hundreds.

Re-count licked himself.

Dorothy was confused and frightened.
For the first time ever, she had trouble making a decision.

She wanted to go home.
The Good Witch Barbara told her to get help.

Dorothy: Help?  Who do you suggest?

Barbara: Go ask the Wizard of Ahhs.
                He's our leader.
                Maybe he can help you!

Dorothy Dole was about to embark on the biggest journey of his/her
career, and didn't have a clue which way to go or how to start.

Good Witch Barbara told Dorothy that the all-knowing Wizard
lived in the Great Castle in the Shining Emerald City on the Hill.

Barbara: Dorothy, all you have to do is follow the road.

Dorothy: What's this road called?

Barbara: The Yellow Prick Road.

Dorothy: The Yellow Prick Road?
                That's an odd name.
                Why do you call it that?

Barbara: The Yellow Prick Road is really "Rush Limba Boulevard," but the locals started calling it
                the Yellow Prick Road after the fat bastard dodged the draft.

Dorothy: I hate draft-dodgers.

Barbara: Some people say the Yellow Prick Road leads to freedom.
                Some say the Yellow Prick Road Road from Sply-Side is
                the answer for all of America's problems.
                Some say it's the best thing ever, even for the poor,
                the old, and the non-producing little people.

Dorothy: I notice you say "some" people.
                What's YOUR opinion?

Barbara: My opinion?
                You silly person. I'm a Sply-Sider with a uterus.
                 I don't have an opinion.
                We just do what our men tell us to do, like the good book says.

So Dorothy took off down the Yellow Prick Road.

Then, just as the Pink Floyd song "Brain Damage" started,
Dorothy met a scarecrow. His name was Danny.
This Scarecrow guy was really, really slow.

How slow was he?
Slower than a pregnant nun walking to confession.

Then Danny the Scarecrow, out of the blue, started singing,
"If I only had a brain," for no goddamn reason.

"You can bet that I'm a thinkin,
 'bout my eyes that don't be blinkin'
 ...If I only had a braaaaain."

Dornan, I mean Re-count, licked himself again.

As the lyrics "The lunatic is on the grass," played, Danny
the Scarecrow was standing on the grass, picking his nose.

Dorothy told him of her quest to find the Wizard of Ahhs.
Scarecrow asked Dorothy if he should go with her and ask the Mighty Wizard for a brain.

"You've got nothing to lose, my friend," Dorothy replied.

So Dorothy/Bob and Danny the brainless Scarecrow headed toward the Wizard.
She hoped the Wizard was as great as advertised. As they walked, Dorothy started to get hungry.
She saw some apple trees and decided that would make a good lunch.
As she approached the ugly, old apple tree, it GRABBED her!

Dorothy: Jumping Jesus! This ugly, old tree is alive!!

Danny: That's no ugly, old tree.
             That's Jesse Helms!

Suddenly, the Ralph Reed witch appeared on top of an old house and demanded that
Scarecrow spell the word "potato."   The Scarecrow tried his best:


The Wicked Witch cut him off: "It STARTS with a 'P', Think-Tanke!"

"I'm nervous...," Danny pleaded.




"WRONG," the Wicked Witch cackled and hurled fireballs at him.

Only Dorothy's cool head kept Danny from burning to death.

Farther down Yellow-Prick Road, just as Pink Floyd was singing
"Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash," they saw
a Tin Man with an ax in his hand, but he wasn't moving.

He was frozen - stiffer than Walt Disney.

What a strange looking creature this son-of-a-bitch was...
For the love of fuck, he wore a funnel on top of his head!

"Wait... listen," Dorothy said.
"Do you hear something?"

"...mmmm...mmmm..." the Tin Man seemed to say.

"Is he trying to talk to us?" she asked the Scarecrow.


Yes, he's saying something....

What is it?
..Is he saying "...oil can?"


He's saying " cut."
He wants a TAX CUT!
The crazy son-of-a-bitch wants a tax cut
more than he wants the freedom to move or speak!

Then, he said "Oil can."

Dorothy asked him what he wanted oiled first.
The Tin Man said "My middle finger, then my jaw."

When they finally got his jaw free, they were tempted to rust it back up because
the Tin Man wouldn't shut the hell up! Dorothy Dole said he made more noise
than Re-count, the yapping dog that never, EVER stops yapping.

The Tin Man said his name was Snoot.
Just like Danny, this Snoot-creature was defective!
He started singing another tasteless song.

"There's some poor kids who need helpin'
  but I don't hear their yelpin'
  and it tears me aparrrrrrt,

 Those kids may be presumin'
 that my mother was a human,
 'cept that I don't have a hearrrrrt."

"Another job for the Wizard," Dorothy thought.
"This sick bastard needs help, QUICK!" she fumed.

Re-count peed on the Tin Man's leg.

Back on Yellow Prick Road, they soon ran into darkness.
Danny and Snoot, I mean the Scarecrow and the Tin Man, were kittenish with fear,
their insides trembling like bunnies, shaking with terror, afraid of the darkness and the future.

"There may be critters in these woods," said the Scarecrow.

"Critters? What kind of critters?" asked Dorothy.

"Liberals, homos and blacks," said Tin Man.

"Oh, my!" said Dorothy, trying to get a chant going.

"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!"
"Liberals and homos and blacks - Oh, My!" they shouted.

"I don't like this one bit," said the Scarecrow.

B-1 licked himself again.

As they turned a corner, as "Money" played on the stereo,
they come upon a HUGE, ferocious Lyin'.

He was one fat, scary son-of-a-bitch, too.
He outweighed everyone in Dorothy's group combined!
But, this was no ordinary Lyin'.

He was a Hornotsi Lyin'.

Just as he opened his mouth to speak, Pink Floyd was singing
"Don't give me that goody-good bullshit."

He jumped at them and ROARED at tiny, defenseless Dorothy.
He beat his chest and made jokes about killing her and eating
her yapping goddamn dog, Re-count.

This Hornatsi Lyin' was a crude, tasteless animal.
His behavior was so crude, Scarecrow felt light-headed.

Then, the Lyin' says:

"My name is Rush, the Cowardly Lyin'.
 C'mon, put 'em up!
 C'mon, put 'em up, I DARE ya!!
 C'mon, I'll fight you...


(Koresh as my witness, it's in the movie.
 Get your copy out and check it.
 Can we get some people in here to mop up the irony?
 I can't feel the floor under my feet.)

Old Bob Dole, I mean Dorothy, got fed up with his boarish
(sic) behavior and decided she would stand up to him!
With her good arm, she slapped him, right on the cheek!!!

Cowardly Lyin' was startled, then looked down and started crying.
He was shaking, worse than Reagan's head in a helicopter!
He wimpered and cried, then soiled himself and basically felt
like a dick in front of the woman and the two circus freaks.
 (Special Inside Joke - Bite me, FatBoy!)
 Rush gets every issue of RL-LNW fresh!)

"My goodness. You're making such a fuss!" said Dorothy.

"I know. I'm a big pussy," the Cowardly Lyin' said.

"You're nothing but a coward," Dole said.

"You're right. I'm a dirty, stinking, yellow-prick coward."
 (Speech to Heritage Foundation, Fall '94, pg 7)

Turns out, the Cowardly Lyin was just an insecure failure.
If anyone said "Boo," he soiled himself.
Dorothy noticed the Cowardly Lyin' was limping.
"Is something wrong with your leg, Rush, I mean Lyin'?"

"Well," he replied, "I have a giant, infected cyst on my tail,
 and I endure chronic suffering from the male itch!"

"Thanks for all the details," Dorothy said with heavy sarcasm.
"Another job for the Wizard," she thought to herself.

The foursome proceeded down Yellow Prick road, searching for
the Mighty Wizard of Ahhs who might solve all their problems.

At last, they saw the Wizard's castle in the distance. They were very, very close 
to realizing their goal.  But, they were standing in a poppy field, and they were 
overcome by the smell of heroin, and they all fell asleep.
Where's a hero when you need one?

Here comes Ollie North in a bi-plane!!

Ollie flew over and tore open a kilo of Contra cocaine and dusted the field with it.
Dole/Dorothy and the gang sniffed the coke and it awakened them - refreshed and ready.
They were definitely "off" to see the Wizard!

Meanwhile, the Ralph Witch followed their progress on his Cuseeme Computer!
He saw them get closer and closer to the Wizard that they just KNEW could help them.

When they finally reached the Castle, they were met by the Wizard's Press Secretary,
Bill Bennett. (Better than you)
He wouldn't allow them in to see the Wizard.

"No Visitors. Can't you see the sign?" said Bennett.

"Oh, no," the Cowardly Lyin said. "You GOTTA let us in."

Bennett: "These days, NOBODY gets in to see the Wizard."

The Cowardly Lion replied, "You MUST let us in.
Cheeses, I got my infected cyst lanced for this!"

"NOBODY gets in," screamed Bennett, a man of compassion.

Dorothy scanned the crowd and noticed two old friends,
Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers.

"Excuse me, Sir," Dorothy said, "But I KNOW them.
They're close friends of mine!

They're the whores of a different color!"
[the only joke I'm proud of]

That was good enough for Bill Bennett. (Better than you)
In they went!


When they finally got in to see the Wizard, they could only see the image he projected on the screen, not the man himself.
The image said "Well...Ahh...Ahh... I'll grant all your wishes if you do me one little chore first:
I want you to bring me the Ralph Witch's Golden Coathanger."

"That bastard," they all thought at the same time.
"Who does he think he is? That's not fair.
 What makes the Wizard so special?" they wondered.

The Cowardly Lyin, for the first time in his life, stood up
and said "See here, Wizard. We came a long way and...."


Rush the Lyin' soiled himself again, then ran down the hall in a terrible panic and jumped through a window.
Dorothy and her misfit circus freaks found him and set out in search of Ralph Reed's Golden Coathanger.

After a while...

Danny: Look! Up in the sky!

Snoot: It's a bird!

Lyin': It's a plane!

Dorothy: No, It's Clarence Thomas, the Flying Butt-Monkey!
                And he's brought the Jesus Twins, Coburn and Largent!
                Christ, it's the entire 1994 GOP Freshman Class.

Yep, all 73 of the 1994 Republican freshman were coming after Dorothy and her geeky friends.
Everyone was there but Wes Cooley, who had to resign due to theft, lies and cowardice.
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas was taking his place.

Clarence and the Flying Butt-Monkeys took Dorothy and the gang prisoner 
and delivered them to the evil Ralph Witch.

The Ralph Witch threatened Dorothy with a very painful beating.
(Sen. D'Amato, call your office.)

Ralph and his Butt-Monkeys looked into her crystal ball and saw a welfare family 
trying to make ends meet under the GOP Congress.  It was a black woman, searching 
for enough cash to buy some formula for her baby.  The Ralph Reed witch and the 
73 GOP Butt-Monkeys laughed at the black mother's dispair.

"Welfare Queen" they shouted together.
 What fun they had!

Dorothy: Ralph Witch, Sir..Madam..  I need your Golden Coathanger,
                to give to the Wizard of Ahhs so I can get back home.

Ralph: I'll GIVE you the Golden Coathanger on one condition:
            Wear my Coathanger Coalition ring in your nose.

Dorothy reluctantly agreed.
What choice did he/she have?

The Ralph Witch released them to go back to the Shining City.

When they finally got back to the Wizard, they told him they had Ralph's Golden Coathanger.
And since they did, they said it was the Wizard's turn to deliver on his promise to help them.

When the Wizard tried to welch on his end of the deal, Re-count
wandered off behind a curtain and pulled it aside with his teeth.

Holy Monster Deficits!

The "Great Wizard of Ahhs" looked just like Ronald Reagan.
Nancy was projecting special effects, and Dorothy realized she had fallen for an awful ruse.
Their entire trip was wasted.   They risked all to get the Golden Coathanger,  ...all for nothing.

"Pay no attention to the old fool behind the curtain," said the disembodied voice. 
"He's not important, never was..."

"LOOK!" Dorothy shouted. "It's the Wicked Bitch of the West!
 I didn't kill her, after all."

Snoot:  So, what do we do now?
            We're fucked.

Lyin':  Speak for yourself, Tin Man.

Re-count peed on Snoot's leg again.

Dorothy: So, now everything is very clear to me.
               The Yellow Prick Road leads to nothing but failure.
               The Sply-Siders sent us down the wrong path.

Dorothy: You're a bad man, tricking us this way.

Reagan: Well...Ahh... Ahh...
                I'm sorry, I didn't know. They said my policies
                would actually help people. I'm sorry, so sorry...

Dorothy: You worthless, old fool.

Reagan: Well...Ahh... Ahh

Dorothy: Is that why they call you the Wizard of Ahhs?
                Because you never say anything but "...Ahh's...?"

Reagan: Well...Ahh...Ahh...  maybe I can help you, after all.
               Let me look into my bag here....

               Scarecrow? You need a brain, right?
               Ahh.. how about a diploma, instead?
               I hereby award you this degree!

Danny:  Wow! Now I'm really smart.
               I have a degree in Thinkologye!!

Reagan: Tin Man, there must be something in here for you.
               How about a rusted, old clock?
               That could be your heart.

Snoot: Thanks, but I don't hear it ticking.
            I think my heart is dead.

All:   (laughs)

Lyin': What about me?
           Me, Me, Me, Me!
           Me, Me, Me, Me!
           Me, Me, Me, Me!
           Me, Me, Me, Me!
           Everything must be about Me, Me, Me, Me!

Wizard: There's nothing I can do for you, Lyin'. You're beyond help.
              No matter what, you'll always be a Hornotsi Lyin'.
              I suggest they lock your infected ass in a closet with a Luger until you do the right thing.

Danny: But what about Dorothy?
             How can she get back home?

Just then, Good Witch Barbara showed up and told Dorothy she could've gone home any time she wanted.
All she had to do is click her heels three times and sing the Macarena.

Dorothy: You mean I can go home right now?

Barbara: Yes, you can go home anytime you want.

Dorothy: Re-count, too?

Barbara: Re-count, too.

Dorothy: Bitch, why didn't you SAY that back in Sply-Side Land?

Barbara: I didn't think you'd believe me.
               However, I posted a notice on every tree and pole on every road in Sply-Side Land.
               Don't you read the polls?

Dorothy: Grrrrrr...
               You send me after the Ralph Witch with nothing more than Danny the brainless,
               Snoot the heartless and a Hornotsi Lyin' because I might not believe you?
               I oughta kick your ass down a flight of stairs.


Just as the final echoes of Pink Floyd's "Dark Side" faded away,
Dorothy arrived back home at his/her luxury condo at the Watergate,
realizing she'd learned a valuable lesson:

Never trust a Sply-Sider.


Now I get chills when I hear a Pink Floyd song on the radio.
But then again, Mrs. Bartcop will be out of town for a few days next week, so maybe I'll...



RUSH LIMBA - Lying, Nazi Whore isn't very good, but it's free.

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