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Volume 397 - As Heaven is Wide

 January 31, 2001


 Like 45,000,000 other Americans, I watched the first Survivor II.
 Like most Americans, I was a little loopy by the fifth quarter, but in my
 male-pig stupor, I judged Kimmie to be "the cute one" of this batch.
 (Don't write - every man picked a favorite, they're just not telling you.)
 If you saw the show, you gotta know where this is going.

 Well, last night on Dave, the Debb monster was on.
 She was the first one thrown off, and I think everyone said, "Yeah!"

 Dave asked her what the worst part about her time on the island, and Debb said,
 "I didn't appreciate hearing Kimmie talk about her masturbation sessions."

 ha ha

 This lady obviously doesn't understand American TV viewers.
 It's my prediction the good-looking, masturbating lady will win.
 CBS may be run by idiots, but they're not going to let Kimmie get voted off.

              Wildlife is in trouble.


Subject: Do you have any convictions, views?

        I am a conservative Republican and found this website.  I read a whole lot of crude
cussing and name calling for about 20 minutes without finding a single intelligent position
or issue stated once.  I am just curious sometimes what the other side could be thinking.

These people that you are bashing, (pigman, etc.) give their logical opinions on
a whole range of topics everyday.  I happen to agree with them 99% of the time.

Do you have any logical opinions?  I'm just wondering, what makes you tick?
What about the platform of the Democratic party are you passionate about?
Is there any intelligent thought in you beyond the name calling?

I have to admit, your website has irritated me, but I try to read what the other side
is saying sometimes to try to understand what they might possibly be thinking.

As bad as you hate Rush, you prove him right.
I believe that you have no substance.
I don't think you know the issues.

I'm sure you'll e-mail back with some crude, offensive, putdown.
Something vulgar.
It seems that the people on this website can muster up nothing better.
It's actually refreshing to read this garbage.
It just further convinces me that the other side has no ideas,
and can do nothing more that resort to name calling.

Dallas, Texas

Granted, I don't hold back when I have an opinion,
but do you really think I wrote 395 issues of nothing but name-calling?

There are dozens of people who read this stuff.
Would they hang around if all I did was call names?

I have two favors to ask of you: (or anyone)
1. Please list for me the pieces I wrote that didn't make a point.
2. You sound like the type of guy who could teach me a lesson.
    Would you care to meet me in a friendly debate tomorrow night?
    Thursdays are the days where I attempt to prove I know the issues.
    If you were to be at my live debate forum tomorrow night,
    you could explain where I'm wrong on the issues.

By the way, after accusing ME of "name-calling," you used the words

no substance
doesn't know the issues

It seems as though one of us IS guilty of name-calling, and one of us was very polite.

See you Thursday,

 Haliburton is having a GREAT year,
 off their gang-rape of millions and millions of American families's budgets.
 Fourth quarter earnings in 1999 were a mere $76 million.

 But in 2000, their fourth quarter earnings were $123 million,
 and that's just the beginning of  Life under Smirk.

 Dick is earning that severance pay, isn't he?

 Great Show Biz Quotes

 Their only redeeming value is that they serve as a good argument for gay unions;
 If these people can get married, how can we deny the privilege to anyone else?
   --USA TODAY's Robert Bianco, on those losers from Temptation Island

Economy: Weakest Growth in 5 Years

 Whore City(AP) - The U.S. economy, hit by a plunge in spending on cars and computers,
 grew at an annual rate of just 1.4 percent during the final three months of 2000,
 the weakest performance in more than five years.

 Greenspan last week warned Congress that the economy has likely weakened further,
 saying growth in the current quarter is probably ``very close to zero.''

 Greenspan did not rule out the threat of a recession, saying the country's first downturn
 in a decade could occur if consumers became so rattled that they stopped spending.

 Thanks for the bigotry of low expectations, Smirk.


Subject:  my letter to editor of San Jose Mercury News

Dear Editor:

As a faithful daily reader I am dismayed to see you have taken up the
practice, now so familiar, of the Washington Times much to my regret.
Namely, cleaning up what George W. Bush really said.

In the January 30, 2001, edition on page 9A "In Brief"  you printed in
quotation marks the following: "And I am going to protect that
privilege not only for me but for future presidents as well," Bush said.

Trouble is he didn't. What he said was
"...protect that privilege for my predecessors too...."

Who are your reporters? Do they understand that quotation marks denote a quote?
Do they have degrees in journalism? This is a pitiful example of  the lengths the press
is prepared to go to in support of Bush II. Can you imagine
giving this same deference to a President Gore? Shameful!

Oh and by the way, where are those photos of the "White House vandalism
by  the departing Clinton staff?" Either publish those photos or print a retraction.

Kathleen Stratton

Feingold Spreads 'Em For Ashcroft and GOP

Whore City - The Senate Judiciary Committee on a 10-8 vote on Tuesday sent the nomination
of John Ashcroft (R-Insane) as attorney general to the full Senate for anticipated confirmation.

All nine Republicans on the committee voted for Ashcroft, but only one Democrat,
Russ Feingold (D-Cockhunter) voted to sell out women, minorities and the environment.

Subject: Re: #Feingold Spreads 'Em for Ashcroft and GOP

You should put out an APB to all your readers in Wisconsin:
Who wants to be the volunteer to run against Feingold in the 2004 Democratic primary?
(Make sure Feingold's office gets a copy.)

In fact, let's do a campaign to make sure every Dem who dares vote for Ashcroft faces primary
opposition in their re-election bids.  These clowns need to be reminded that we voted for them
to be DEMOCRATS, not f-ing Republicans.

Hell, I'm so pissed at this point that I'd even urge the Greenies to run candidates against these guys.
(If I could find a Greenie who'd sincerely promise to run as a Dem, and only against traitors like
Feingold and Miller, I'd support him/her.)

Tamara Baker

Dittoes to that, Tamara.
I hate traitors much more than I dislike Republicans.
Feingold is the cockhunter who voted to review the Monica "evidence" AGAIN
instead of getting on with the nation's business.

Russ, do us a favor and join the all-white GOP, would you?

 Apple of Discord
   By Maureen Dowd and BartCop

 Click  Here

 That creeping Clinton nostalgia curdled into creepiness.
 Bill and Hill took enough loot to fill a small hotel.

 Semi-cute writing, but it's a lie and she knows it.
 Tell me, Mo, which is bigger?
 The $190,000 the Clinton's left with or Reagan's $2,500,000 mansion?
 You could be a decent writer - if you weren't such an unprincipled harlot.

From:  (The Bird)

Subject: Bullshit detector

Well my bullshit detector about exploded today so I told myself I better check up on Bart.
I ought to market these things.. I would make a fortune.
Ok so lets look at what you posted.

 >The Smirk Era is Upon Us

> Last week's Layoff Report

> Chrysler                   26,000 jobs lost
> Lucent                      10,000 jobs lost


> That was just last week.

> Way to go, America.
> You wanted a "new direction" - you got it.

Lets see.  WAKE UP BARTHEADS!!!!

Do you think that would be anything different if Clinton was in office?????
Clinton set the stage fool!!!!!
Bush has only been in office for a bit longer than two weeks.
How can you tell the American people that they are losing their jobs because of him.

This is the work of Clinton and LIKE ALWAYS BART YOU ARE IGNORING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!

Your an idiot.  But don't worry, you have people like me out here looking out for you and ready to set you straight.

It's called compassionate conservatism.


 Bird, you conservatives are funny.
 Not funny ha-ha, funny peculiar.

 As recently as the debates, you guys said Clinton/Gore had nothing to do with the economy,
 that it was all Reagan's genius and that wacky trickle-down horseshit coming to fruition.

 Ninety days later, it's all Clinton's fault?
 Funny, it took Reagan 12-15 years to affect the economy,
 but Clinton caused all this trouble between October and January?

 The economy runs on expectations, son.
 That's why Christmas of 1992 was great, even tho it was only 7 weeks after
 the voters fired Bush for mishandling the economy and being an inept bungler.

 By the way, is your ass still sore from my boot after our debate?

 Eight years in retrospect Presents, pardons and prosecutions
  By Gene Lyons

 Click  Here

     According to Walsh's book, "Firewall," Bush himself had dissembled about being "out of the loop."
 He did not sell guided missiles to that country, Iran.

 ha ha
 Great line, Gene.

 Ironically, it was Weinberger who had warned that the idea was both foolhardy and illegal.
 "The only way for [Bush] to avoid the revelations that would emerge at Weinberger's trial," Walsh wrote,
 "would be to pardon Weinberger before the case went to trial."

 So he did.
 Odd that so few Washington pundits and no Republicans at all appeared to recall the incident last week,
 don't you think?


Subject: Big Time Damage?

I'm a computer integrator. Computer keyboards cost as little as $8 wholesale.
Power cords $2.

At that rate, they'd have to have damaged 20,000 computers to get to their $200,000.
Made for a great story for one last round of Clinton bashing, didn't it?

Will MSNBC and FoxNews have to start actually reporting on something now?
Like the windfall Bush friends at Enron are already getting from his inaction over the California power crisis?
Billions and billions I guess doesn't compare with an $8 keyboard if you're a Repubican.


 West Wing

 From USA TODAY's TV critic, Robert Bianco:
 On tonight's West Wing repeat, Ainsley (Emily Proctor) is still a mealy-mouthed drip,
 inevitable, perhaps, considering Peggy Noonan is one of the show's consultants.

 Sounds like Bianco knows Noonan pretty well.
 But aren't we a little disgusted at the repeat after repeat from the West Wing?
 They're running two repeats during sweep weeks, which start Thursday.

 It's getting harder for me to watch West Wing, knowing that back-stabbing shit Pat Caddell
 is involved, along with that idiot Lawrence O'Donnell, whore Peggy Noonan and the female
 version of Judas Maximus, DeeDee Myers.

 There's a really brave conservative at

 On his webpage, it says, "Liberals fear me - ask around."

 Well, he has 11,000 hits, so the panic he causes can't really be all that widespread,
 so I left this message in his guestbook.

 I saw your humorous attack on liberals.
 Do you have the balls to debate?
 Or is it easier to hide and claim "liberals fear me?"

 Thursday nights at 9PM CST I kick ditto-monkey ass in my chat room.

 Got balls?


 The Atomic Lib Smasher?

 ha ha

 I wonder who he's been debating...
 Maybe Alan Colmes?

 He won't show up to debate - none of them will.
 They don't have a leg to stand on.
 They're too comfortable with the "truth" from Rush and Fox News.

 I haven't had a chance to weigh in on this "faith-based" horseshit of Smirk's,
 but it poses the same question as one of the planks in the BartCop Quiz,
 specifically, the plank that asks the question, "Who picks the prayer?"

 Will the snake-handlers get some taxpayer money?

 Will the peyote-eating Native Americans get some taxpayer money?

 What about Marc Perkel's Church of Reality?
 If anybody's going to get taxpayer money, it should be Perkel, because his church is real!
 It's the only church of which Ol' BartCop is a member.
 I am The Seventh One in the Church of Reality.

 With those who slit goat's throats in their masses get some taxpayer money, too?

 Would the Branch Davidians qualify?

 One Last Flurry of Beltway Smears
   by Joe Conason

 Click  Here

 Asked to verify the trashing of the White House offices, the Bush press office
 quickly backed down. The Air Force released a statement denying that anything of
 consequence had been stolen from the Presidentís plane.

 Subject:  BREAKING NEWS from

 -- U.S. economy slows to weakest growth in five years.

 For complete coverage of this story visit:

 Well, ...look what CCN just figured out...


Subject: Ronnie Reagan Horror Show


Ah, yes!  I remember it well.  It was indeed a classic.
By and large the show was not as good as SNL at the time.
But the guy who did Reagan (I don't remember his name) did a better satire of Reagan than anybody.
He did that head waggle thing to perfection, and when he'd lose control of his head
and have to stop it with his hands it was hysterical.

For those who have never seen Fridays, it was the show where Michael Richards,
otherwise known as Kramer, got his start.  Richards was just too weird in that show, for my taste.

I forgot to mention that.
Kramer plays "Brad" in the Ronnie Horror Show.

I saw Susan MacDougal on Insanity and Colmes last night.
I must confess, I've never watched the show before, but tuned it in because of your alert.
I don't rubber-neck at car accidents either.  Susan turned Insanity inside out, and pulled
his testicles through his ears, with more grace and charm than I've ever seen.
But Colmes is a whimp.  I'd watch the show if it was MacDougal and Insanity.

Right on all counts.
A great line she used (that I hope to post tonight) was when Colmes asked her if she'd
ever consider politics and she said, "No, because I'd have to talk to people like Hannity."
That disarmed the already unarmed vulgar Pigboy-in-waiting.

I don't know how many times I've heard that same Repuglican line,
"If she's telling the truth, why didn't she just go on the stand and say what she had to say."
For any Repugs reading this, let's spell it out.  She was never given the opportunity.

Starr demanded a proffer under oath, stating what she would testify to on the witness stand.
If she told the truth in that proffer, Starr wouldn't let her testify.  If she told Starr's lies in that proffer,
and then attempted to tell her own story on the stand, Starr could hold up the proffer and yell, "perjury!"
And he would have been right, because one or the other would have to be perjury.

Susan MacDougal is a brave, brave woman, and I'm very proud of her.
She is truly a great American.  She's one for the history books.
What a pitty that the only women the Repugs have on their side are Penthouse hos
and Ann Coulter (who's still fishing for fries at MacDonald's).
Can we see that picture one more time?

      Here's Ann earning her free french fries.

Before the Susan MacDougal Show came on, I was stuck with the Zig Heily Factor,
who apparantly hasn't yet been able to have his hand surgically removed from Clinton's cock.
Maybe he's realized that without Clinton's cock, he's nothing.

Keep up the good work, BC!

Jim H.

 Was the White House Trashing Story Garbage?
   By Joshua Micah Marshall of

 According to numerous press accounts from Week 1 of the Bush administration, the Clintonites
 trashed the White House on the way out. The first stories recounted a modest prank in which
 departing aides plucked a few "W" keys from computer keyboards as a dig to George W. Bush.
 But as the full horror emerged, the White House began to resemble the Continental Hyatt House
 after a weekend visit by Led Zeppelin.

 ha ha

 According to NBC's Andrea Mitchell, the White House was "downplaying" the vandalism but unnamed
 "sources" were reporting "phone lines cut, drawers filled with glue, door locks jimmied so that arriving
 Bush staff got locked inside their new offices. Obscene messages left behind on copying machine paper."
 Another unnamed source "with close ties to the Bush White House," told CNN's Kelly Wallace that
 there was "trash everywhere."

 Bush Press Secretary Ari Fleischer elliptically confirmed the stories and declared that the White House
 was cataloguing the vandalism. But he also announced that the Bushies were turning the other cheek
 and declined to open a formal investigation. "Part of changing the tone in Washington," Fleischer said,
 "is to allow some things that others may have made a focus of, to let pass."

 The pliant press promptly adopted the new script:

 Mike Allen of the Washington Post  reported that a "high-level Republican" who had seen the
 damage was "leery about putting information out about the mess because chief of staff Andrew H.
 Card Jr. is gentlemanly and doesn't want to appear to be ratting on the Clinton administration."

 Or maybe gentlemanliness had nothing to do with Card's retreat.

 Maybe the new administration had no evidence of a campaign of vandalism, which is what a review
 of the Prankgate news stories suggests. Case in point: The press secretary's ceremonial flak jacket,
 allegedly stolen by the Clintonites as part of Prankgate, turned out to have been picked up
 accidentally by the cleaning crew, which returned it.

 Now, it could be that on their way out of town the Clintonites did rip through the White House like
 a Bengali typhoon. After all, Clinton staffers confirm that they de-"W"-ed some keyboards and
 posted some snarky signs. But, as John Harris reported in a Washington Post story that
 documented the Bush administration's climb-down from the sabotage charge, when Karen
 Tramontano, an aide to outgoing Chief of Staff John Podesta, phoned the White House and pressed
 for details about the alleged vandalism, she was told only of a single copier cord being cut and one
 severed phone line.

 Fleischer insisted that he had been told of more than one instance of cord-whacking but agreed that
 "the story has become bigger than life." When reporters asked Fleischer if these more limited
 damages could simply have been caused by the movers on Inauguration Day, he said, "I don't
 believe that the people who are professionals, who make it their business to go in and prepare the
 White House for new arrivals, would cut wires." (Has Ari Fleischer ever dealt with movers?)

 So, yes, there were some pranks. But there's nothing unprecedented about the old administration
 pranking the new administration, as subsequent reports indicated. When Clinton-Gore staffers
 showed up for work in 1993, they found offices in disarray, computers disabled, and office
 furniture helpfully decorated with numerous Bush-Quayle bumper stickers. It appears that in this
 transition, the White House press corps took a similar situation and hyped it into a full-bore
 scandal without requiring one White House staffer to go on the record about specific vandalism
 or to provide any physical evidence.

 In the absence of proof, why did the White House press corps advance the sabotage claims?

 Ediotr's Note: Because they are lazy-ass whores, that's why.

 1) The Bushies insist on talking on a not-for-attribution basis if they talk at all, and this allowed them
 to embellish the scope of Prankgate's "destruction" without suffering any blowback.

 2) For all the pomp and pageantry of inauguration week, there wasn't much news for the press corps to report.
 So, mindful of who their masters will be for the next four years, they accepted the Bushies' blind accounts.

 3) Reporters are suckers for stories that conform to their prejudices: It stood to reason that the Clinton crew
 would make a graceless exit and that the grown-ups from Texas would rise above it.

 4) By Jan. 20 the ultra-efficient Clinton spin machine had been unplugged and there was nobody to provide
 an alternative account.

 The story here wasn't Clintonite shenanigans. It was the new White House's smearing of their predecessors
 and Fleischer's refusal to put up or shut up when it came time to start giving details.

 (Note to the White House press corps: It's still not too late to redeem yourselves!)

 Wait - you mean you're waiting for the Washington press whores to tell the truth?
 I hope you brought a Snickers bar.

 VCR Alert - Susan McDougal on Insanity and Holmes tonight

 Does Susan McDougal read


 My girl!

 Did you see what that bully McDougal girl did to that poor Hannity boy last night?

 ha ha

 That didn't happen, did it?

 Plug your speakers in.
 You're going to hear what My Girl Susan McDougal did to Sean Hannity.

 ha ha

 It's not like she did it once.
 It's not like she did it twice.

 ha ha

 My good friemd Susan McDougal is more cutting than my good friend Joe Conason.
 Joe, sorry, but did you see what she did to Hannity?
 She did that live, and he was reduced to hamana hamana hamana hamana

 ha ha

 But don't believe me - ever.

 Listen to the tape.

 For those of you who can't hear it, that lying prick Hannity comes at Susan
 with some horseshit accusation he can't back up so she counters with:

 That's not true - that's like me saying
 "A lot of people say YOU got this job by handing out sexual favors.
 You just make stuff up Sean, that's why this show has turned into the Jerry Springer show."

 Suze - with the BIG hammer!

 ha ha

 How BartCop-ian to accuse Hannity of sexual misconduct to demonstrate
 what happens when you make idiotic accusations without a shred of proof!

 I'm out of time, I'll try to get more Susan gems up tonight.

I have the MOSTexciting news.

I was rootin' around in the BartCop vault and I found a videotape I've had for 20 years.
(That's very rare - a video tape from 1981?)
Have you ever heard of a famous but obscure TV show called "Fridays?"
It was ABC's answer to SNL in 1981.

They did the best political skit ever done - better than anything that
SNL has ever done in their 25 years, and how bold a statement is that?

They took the music from The Rocky Horror Show and replaced the words with
great political parody and came up with "The Ronny Reagan Horror Show."
Have you ever heard of this skit, or even the show, before?

I'm no fan of Rocky Horror, never even seen the movie,
but this is the one tape I'd have to grab if the house was on fire.

This was a hueueueuge production - not like a regular skit.
It involved 20-25 people, all in the Rocky Horror costumes.
It must've taken weeks to set this up and rehearse it.

Like I said, I've never even seen this movie.
But you - if you're a Rocky Horror fan AND you abwhore (sic) Ronald Reagan (sicker)
and what he stood for, this would probably be the best thing you've ever seen.

Remember now, it's early 1981, Reagan had just won the election.
Liberalism was crashing, and nobody could put their finger on exactly why.

I can't think of a way to distribute this, so here's the opening song.

Click  Here  to download an an MP3

Click  Here  to listen to it as an 

It's the best political comedy tape I have,
and I've got dozens of tapes.

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 Read the  Previous Issue
 It had everything - celebrity skin, economics and a giant dick (Cheney).

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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