"My administration has been calling upon
all the leaders in the —
in the Middle East to do everything they can to stop the violence,
to tell the different parties involved that peace will never happen."
-- The unelected idiot
1. I predict Barry Bonds will not
beat Mark McGwire's record of 70 home runs.
They say he's "on the pace" to beat him, but hey - a sprained ankle, the flu,
a sore back - anything could derail the chase for Mr. Ego.
Besides, McGwire hit four in his last two games - that's tough to do.
2. Captain Murray's Mandolin might be the
greatest movie ever,
but it's a really, really stupid name for a film. Cage was on Leno last night
and he seemed to be dumping all over the movie.
3. TNN (Tha National Network) has been running
semi-good concerts on Saturday nights.
Two weeks ago was The Tubes, not bad, and last week was Jethro Tull - excellent!
Kitty Kelley Beats the Bushes
I wrote a serious letter to a serious person
I worked hard on it, tho you couldn't tell by reading it.
It was one of those letters I worked on again and again and again.
Since the receipient is known worldwide,
I wanted to start with some self-depreciation,
so the first line read "I know you won't remember me, but my name is BartCop,
and I have a little dot.com on the Internet."
But after 40 re-writes, I re-did that
sentence, because it's always possible the person
remembered me, and no sense in telling him/her what he/she knew, so now it read,
"You probably don't remember me, but my name is BartCop,
At least that's what I thought I wrote.
After it was mailed, someone who got a CC
(the person who introduced us)
wrote and suggested I look at the first sentence again.
In the letter I mailed, the first line read
"I know I don't remember
That's how the letter started.
Good job, Bart!
Bart is smart!
Not stupid, ....not like they all say!
Oh, what a dumbass!
What a maroon!
I'm so stupid!
I'm such an idiot!
(pulls hair out)
I felt like doing a Dick Van Dyke, and breaking
into Alan Brady's office to get the script
that had all the insults written in the margins, but I decided I'd just live with my dumb-assedness.
Oh, well, that isn't the first time I pulled
a Smirk, and I know there'll be more.
...Koresh, I am sooo stupid.
Toon by the Wizard of Whimsy
Subject: Concerning your website
To whatever maggot-suffering-from-syphilitic-insanity-and-spawned-by-a
tuna-xxxxxx-gaping-oozing-xxxx came up with this site:
You Clinton cocksuckers just can't stand that
you and your gutter sluts and the
subhuman spawn that you have the gall to call children are now out of power.
THANK GOD. THANK GOD that the lying son of a bitch named Bill Clinton
and his whole pack of monstrosities got booted the hell out of there!
If it weren't for us, we who have superior intelligence,
you and your suppurating xxxxxx
and bastard brats would still be leeching off the entire nation. We would still be subjected
to that horse-face xxxx Janet Reno and Pessary Rot-xxxx (Hillary) ruling the roost.
Let's work for the day when all those like you
and those who put together your inane and
yellow-journalistic and LIE-spreading website are put on trial for treason, punishable by death.
I trust that even one of your ilk can get the
meaning of this through your thick skull and into
your empty head, you mentally deficient and morally bankrupt sack of excrement.
Frank, (can I call you Frank?)
I take exception to something you said:
You wrote, "got
booted the hell out," when in fact, America
was ready for another four years
of peace and prosperity under Bill Clinton, but the United States Consitution strictly forbids it.
You see, the Republicans got tired of democracy
and free elections after FRD died, so they
pushed thru an amendment that took away the people's right to vote for a man if that man had
already won two elections, so I think you'd agree that statement was, in fact, inaccurate..
Other than that, I found your letter to be thought-provoking
Send more like that, and tell your friends about us.
Thank you for speaking for the minority,
and thank you for reading bartcop.com
Miss Tobago beat Halle Berry in 1986
I'll bet Scalia was in on this one, too.
DULUTH, Ga. -- Tiger Woods says he's not
that far off.
Try telling that to the 99 players in front of him at the PGA Championship.
55 players broke par.
That was the highest number in six years at the PGA Championship.
Three of those guys were club professionals.
And then there was Woods.
While everyone else took advantage of the
soft, spongy greens that allowed for an incredible
scoring assault in a major championship, Woods had two double-bogeys and two three-putt bogeys.
Woods shot a 73 and wound up nine strokes back, his largest first-round deficit in a major
since he turned pro five years ago.
Hey, Tiger, you want to win again?
Call Bill Clinton and apologize for being such a self-centered prick.
Offer to play a few rounds with him, and we'll talk about lifting The BartCop Hex.
I know you've made so many hundreds of millions,
like Rush, that you
never have to work again, but if you love the game and want your fans back,
do the right thing or it's Hex from now on.
From: Rude Rich
Subject: Ask Bartcop
The remote is broken.
The TV is on Ch.4.
Will and Grace is on.
The Andy Griffin Show is on Ch. 64.
Should I get up and manually change the channel
or veg out and watch Will and Grace?
Dear duh, funny you should ask.
Did you know the only reason Jay Leno has
better ratings than Dave
is because NBC has better 10 PM shows than CBS?
People know Dave is better, but they're too lazy/stupid
to change the channel,
so Jay rides the popularity of ER and Law & Order to higher ratings.
Voting works that way in this country, too.
By the way, who is this Andy Griffin fellow?
Does he have a good show?
Is he Merv's boy?
Subject: Chinaco on fruit
Just had a heck of a day .. so I decided that
dessert could use some kick.
Got out a bowl of cold watermelon chunks and drizzled about a tablespoon
of Chinaco 2-4344,45AA25483 over it. (Is that the flowers one?)
Sweet cold crunch of watermelon with the butterscotch-woodsmoke-vanilla
perfume of Chinaco.
And because it is such a high proof alcohol it was instantly adsorbed all through the fruit chunks.
Just thought you might want to know about another Chinaco Miracle
Rodney L. Gay
Damn, I'll bet you could run a pencil thru the watermelon skin
and spike the whole mother-effer with a bottle of Chinaco,
but then that watermelon flavor would be there...
Oh, well, to each his own.
Europeans Flunk Bush
"He's the biggest moron to ever lead that great country."
I forgot to mention, today I woke up to tv hell,
the Fox Morning Show,
and that moron Mancow actually took a position this morning saying
that he thinks we should try and execute suicide bombers.
The bunnies on the show did not see the irony.
Is it possible that Mancow is the stupidest man on the planet?
I suppose it is possible that he is not, he has stiff competition on Fox alone.
Cara, today, I think I'm the stupidest man on the planet. ("I know I don't remember me...")
I've only seen Mancow once, but I knew right away
I'd rather spend weekdays with Rush
and weekends with Doc Harpie than spend 30 minutes with that handjob.
Nader Go Round
Sure to anger everybody...
"Do you know where I'm from?'' Bush asked the second-graders in Albuquerque.
"Washington,'' they shouted back.
I love kids!
Bush persisted: "I'm from one state east of here. What state?''
"Washington, D.C.,'' the pupils chorused.
"I grew up in Texas,'' the Kennebunkport native lied.
Hi Lanny, and thanks for reading bartcop.com
Hi BC, well, I tried the "Sauza Conmentoritivo"
Not bad for a mixto. OK for margaritas.
I'll have to get some margarita mix this weekend.
Big sigh, someone has to drink it. (cough).
But Joe, if you're going to bury the taste under all that lime juice,
why not buy Albertson's tequila and save the money?
...or vodka, which is cheaper still?
In K-Drag, you can get a half-gallon of PeeWee's vodka for $8.99
Julie Hiatt Steele
I talked to her last night.
She's still in limbo.
They tell her they're going to close Friday, then the bank calls and says
they're going to foreclose the following Monday, then the second bank calls
and says they're going to foreclose before the first one can, then they move the
closing back another few days and it starts all over again.
So right now, she's in the house, but it's mostly empty - she has one chair.
Since her closing date has been moved back, so has the big surprise.
(I'd hoped to unveil the big surprise by now, but nooooooooo.
Everything in my life works like BartCop Radio - always "coming soon'.
I need a staff and $250,000 to make stuff happen when I want it.)
I asked her about the donations she's been getting.
My check hasn't cleared yet, and others have written saying the same thing.
Please do NOT stop payment on the checks, she's holding them.
If it was me, I'd deposit them, but her account is in the same bank that's
trying to foreclose, and the bunghole movers packed her wallet and her keys.
I don't know how she gets thru this without fine tequila - I couldn't.
She's on her third moving company, and because everything's so
she's using the donations to live on - food and stuff, until the house closes.
She still doesn't know where she's going to be the night she hands over the house.
Matter of fact, she doesn't know what town she'll be living in - she's very frazzled.
I think that's why she enjoys our conversations, because I crack jokes and she laughs
and I get the impression she hasn't been laughing a lot lately.
She asked me to tell everyone "Thanks" for the letters and donations,
and she said
something that was kinda sad, but kinda sweet. She said she's gotten letters from
BartCop readers that were very short, one was two sentences, she said, and those
have touched her heart more than anything.
Do me this favor - especially you ladies. (This isn't about money, either.)
If you have a minute, write to her and say something nice, would
As Marty Feldman said, "Things could be worse," but not by a lot.
I believe she's still on crutches, her son Adam is, well, ten years old and a handfull,
she's got two banks, three realtors (don't ask) and three movers giving her hell and
she's trying to hang on to her sanity as she's forced out of her paid-for home of 23 years.
The next target date is Monday, so maybe this will be over soon,
but even when she moves
Cliff Claven will forward her mail, and she really needs a boost of support. Of course,
if you include $5 or $10 or more in your letter, that certainly wouldn't upset her,
but the kind words are what she needs most at the moment.
Look at it like karma - if you write to her, that's karma insurance
that the federal government
will never come at you with all your might, trying to destroy you & take your kids.
Julie Hiatt Steele
10701 Arsenal Drive
Midlothian, VA 23113
Secret surprise: If you write to her, include your phone number.
There's always a chance (no guarantee) that she'll call you.
I told her I wouldn't tell her the surprise until she got out of this, and she laughed and said,
"I can't wait to be done with this and find out what the surprise is."
I'm wondering what it'll be like to talk to her when she's on
She's been hanging onto the cliff by her fingernails since I met her.
In Godfather Two, where was the money?
Hyman Roth pulls Michael to the side and says "The money never made it."
Roth tells him,
"Tomorrow, if the money's here, I'll know we have a deal.
If it's not, I'll know we don't."
Michael seemed surprised, so he called Fredo and told him to bring
Where was the money, and why was it late?
Also, and this is a big one...
(Did we cover this before?)
When Roth put the hit on Frankie Pentangele, he had his people
"Michael Corleone says hello," as they're strangling him.
Why did they say that? Just for fun?
As it worked out, it turned Frankie against Michael, but that was only because
a cop walked in during the hit and ruined it (big shootout) but the hitters had no way
to know the hit would be interrupted, sparing Frankie, so why did they say it?
Is there some mob thing where you have to make a declaration as you kill a guy?
Last night's "Clerks" turned out to be a big nothing.
Instead of just showing the film, Kevin Smith and a bunch of people
watched the video of the movie, no sounds, and made comments about it,
such as "This scene has Bill Booker in it - he's a guy I met in New Jersey."
That was it.
I can't tell you if the movie was any good or not.
It was on the ROI channel on Dish Network, which is, apparently,
the "Talking in the Movie" channel, which confuses this old Catholic.
Maybe it's akin to a "Director's cut," but I'd rather see the movie.
Also, I hear GLAAD is all upset with Smith for something.
Anybody know the scoop on that?
Subject: Halle Berry and Miss World
According to the E! entertainment website, in
Halle Berry won the dress competition in the Miss World Pageant.
Apparently, there's a crown and a scepter involved.
That's the first mistake I've ever made.
...and I wonder which eye clinic the judges go to?
Pictures of Pretty Women
We went thru this last year, maybe it needs to happen every year.
New readers don't know we used to have "Page Two Girls"
(Is that what they were called?)
Like almost every publication under the sun besides Vatican
we used to feature fully-clothed women not on the main page, but a click away.
The outcry was medium-sized, and I generally dismiss outcry because I usually do
what I think is right and don't pay attention to the critics unless they have a point.
Someone said having "girls on command" was kind of piggish, and
I saw some validity in that,
so I stopped running "Page Two Girls" until I could think of a better way to do it
Since then, if an attractive woman makes the news, we might run
Every paper in American ran the story that Halle Berry was paid an extra $500,000
to bare her breasts in Swordfish, and I thought that was news not only on a purient level,
but what does that say about society and morality? Remember Indecent Proposal
where Demi Moore agreed to sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?
Remember Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction and Disclosure?
They were talked about for months.
But recognizing an achievement or a birthday is ...newsworthy
and often historical.
Being thoroughly hetero, I don't run pictures of "cute men," and that angers some people.
Recently, I got a few letters asking "Where are the 'cute men' pictures, so I responded by
saying if some lady wants to create a page for women I'd link to it if it was appropriate.
I got this letter back:
Subject: ATTRACTIVE MEN HAVE BIRTHDAYS TOO!
- I'd love to help you out IF you need help with
the site, BUT though a woman's section has potential,
I feel that it is basically just throwing us a bone (so to speak) to offer it as a means to get beefcake pictures
up on a second level, while keeping the female pics on the main page :-) (And I don't even though if your
second level pages get many hits anyway - most people for most sites, if the material is "sticky" on the
main page, interesting enough to remain glued to it, they will not bother with a click to another level.
(That's true - I amazed how few hits the links and back issues get)
Also, I would not be willing to create a page
that I feel diminishes the importance of your
female audience- putting their interests in a separate category. I'd be glad to dig up photos of men
for you though and find their birthdays etc.- no problem, and you could use my name for them,
so people know YOU are not hunting for guy pics... (you know the macho deal). IF it is on the
same level as the women's pics- e.g. a LINK to get to the women's photos... a LINK to get
to the men's photos (so people go to them IF they want).
There's no way I can jump out of my skin and put myself in a woman's
position, so let me blame society.
If you go to any bookstore in America, you'll see pretty woman on the covers of the women's magazines
and pretty women on the covers of the men's magazines. Plus, you'll see pretty women on the covers
of sports magazines, car magazines, computer magazines and every other magazine.
You have to hunt for a Playgirl (is it still in business?) or
gay mags (I assume) to find men.
Wait, there is GQ, and if there's more, fine, but as a rule, pretty women go both ways.
I can't explain it (obviously) but since publishers discovered that
men and women will buy a magazine
with a pretty woman on the cover, they've been putting them there. I feature the occasional picture
here because politics isn't pretty and a whole page of non-pretty doesn't help anybody.
It also offers the potential for some humor, or at least the attempt.
Besides, it would clutter up the page to have male pictures, because
there'd be too many
since there are so many more important men than important women (See? That's a joke)
So if a women wants to create a page with non-nude men for their birthdays
I might link to it
for the benny of the females, but I, like most of America, prefer seeing women.
Trust me, magazine publishers don't put women on their covers to get
a cheap thrill.
They do that because men & women enjoy seeing them and they vote with their wallet.
So if someone wants to do a tasteful women's page, lemme know.
PS. I got a lot of Tom Tomorrow mail, but it was nothing compared
the amount of mail I got saying Halle Berry never won Miss World.
...and now, my good friend Greg Palast introduces my good friend Joe Conason
Ready to Pounce
Bullshit headline in Thursday's USA Today.
"Having endured a mysterious slump this summer,
Woods proclaims himself rested and ready to defend his PGA title.
Woods has had a horrendous time off the tee since early June,
bottoming out at last month's British Open, tying for 25th place."
Shiiiittt, that ain't no "mysterious
That's The BartCop Hex on his ass.
A very frustrated Toger Woo reacts to another bad shot
going into the water by trying to snap his driver.
Subject: "They don't deserve my vote"
Dear Next Green Who Offers a List of Democratic
Sellouts, and Rollovers, in Support of the Thesis that "They don't Deserve our Vote";
Please explain to me: What's 'deserving' got to do with it?
This isn't the Miss America pageant. This isn't
a Guggenheim fellowship.
This is a decision on who gets to juggle a multi-trillion-dollar economy and
a multi-mega-megaton nuclear weapons arsenal (among other things).
Why should the question "Will I feel GOOD about rewarding the most
DESERVING candidate with the HONOR of my APPROVAL?" even
enter into my consideration, when there are other questions pending, like,
Will my vote make it marginally more likely or less likely that ...
our air will be poisoned?
our workplaces will be made more dangerous?
our civil rights will be denied?
and so on, and so on?
Awaiting your response, I remain
Most cordially yours,
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.