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Volume 596 - When Death says Hey

 September 18, 2001                                                    I really can't wait to get back to the funny issues...

Subject: re: when death says hey

Must be your Catholic education again.
even if the saline conducts electricity, the plastic bag, like rubber, doesn't.

I just didn't want to be standing at the Pearly Gates and have St Peter say,
"Hey, Dumbass, did you really think that 1/16 of an inch of plastic
  would prevent that jolt from stopping your heart?

 ...you know how sarcastic those angels are,

From: ScottDavs@aol.com

Subject: Another reason why Falwell and Robertson are nuts.

Their rationale, if you can call it that, is that God has removed His protection from this country
because of our sins. So the ACLU, et. al. caused this veil to be removed and the attacks to occur.

So, logically, no one could have harmed Jesus, being sinless. Only problem is, he was executed unjustly.
Are Falwell and Robertson saying he was a sinner? Why are they following him then? Also, there is a
long parade of persecuted and martyred Saints through the ages too, from St. Peter to Sir Thomas Moore.
In fact, a committed, uncompromising Christian life is practically an invitation for disaster.
The Bible itself says that rain falls on the just and unjust equally. I've noticed this is so.

So where did this "protection" idea come from, the Gospel according to La Cosa Nostra?



 "People talk about Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson saying "this was our fault."
   ...Barbara Lee voted against funding this war. She's the extremist."
     --the vulgar Pigboy, first hour

 Hey Rush, take a stand once in your life, would you?

 You see, this way, Rush can say, "I talked about Falwell & Robertson,"
 but Rush has the talent to say things without saying them
 like how lazy and stupid the dumb niggers are,
 and he also can talk about things and never say a word,
 like he did just then.

 I'm going to try real hard to say something and not be misunderstood.
 It'll be a first, but I gotta keep trying, right?
 This came up once before, but Saddam backed down.

 Remember when Desert Storm began, we got our first good look at the stealth planes?
 I know we got a glimpse earlier, but DS is when the new toys were first put to use.
 That was in 1991.

 Eight years later we took our first trip to Area 51.
 You would not believe what these new toys can do.
 I saw them, sober, for hours, doing things in the air planes can't do.

 I'm not a pilot, but I'm old and I've seen planes fly before.
 These new planes turn faster than Pat Caddell.
 Plus, they're invisible.

 We have invisible, flying warships, and I'm not making this up.

 Of course, I'd prefer we didn't need them, but since we do,
 I think we're about to see the planes from the future.

 Here are some patents that have been taken out:

 Then there's the Aurora.

 How's the weather in Kabul?
 I found this:

 Forecast weather for Kabul, Karachi, Baghdad and Damascus for the week of 9/24/2001:

 Very brief period of extremely bright sunlight followed by variable winds of 2000 knots
 and temperatures in the mid to upper 6000 degree range with no measurable moisture.

 SPF 12000 sun block highly recommended if standing near an outside structural wall
 of less than one meter thick.

 Have a nice day Mr. bin Laden

 Retaliation without glassing innocents
    by alastair412

 Click  Here

From: blue-dot@mindspring.com

Subject: I'm confused, Bartcop

Help me out here, cuz I'm having trouble understanding where you are coming from.

First of all, you are advocating the VITRIFICATION of those responsible
for the terrorist attacks. I can understand this on a basic level. Let's "get
under the hood," as Ross Perot would say, and solve the problem.

But on the other hand, you continue to refer to Bush as "Weak and Stupid."

So, on the OTHER OTHER hand, are you telling us that we should be
holding our noses and following His Fraudulency into a war, even though:
    -He has executed over 100 people.
    -He is trying to take over the world for his multi-national corporation buddies.
    -He is trying to take over the world for his arms merchant buddies.
    -He subverted democracy and elbowed his way into the White House even
     though he clearly was not the winner of the election.

I guess I'm having a little trouble believing that, in Bush Inc.'s eyes, that this is
really about a "war on terrorism." To me, it looks more like they see it as an opportunity
to manipulate the American people at a singularly vulnerable moment for the purpose
of implementing an extreme right-wing agenda.

This could easily turn into a war between Judeo-Christianity and Islam.
Is that what you are advocating?

Bush has been wanting a war ever since he stole the presidency.
It appears that his war has fallen into his lap.  God help us.

I'm scared. Not so much of the terrorists as of Bush, Inc.  <sigh>
I look forward to your thoughtful response!


My uneducated guess is bin Laden was going to do this no matter who was president.
Sure, Bush's bungling in the Middle East may've broken the camel's back, but bin Laden is like
Rush, Fox News, Larry Klayman, Falwell and Robertson - he THRIVES on misery and conflict.

For one day, I withheld direct criticism of Smirk, and you'd think I'd turned traitor.
I want retaliation, and I don't want to wait until January 20 of 2005, so we have no choice
but to stand behind America's unelected leader and our finest fighting men.

I've got nothing against Islam unless Islam specifically calls for the elimination
of Israel and it's allies. If that's the situation, it's a clear-cut case of them or us.

...and I wish people would stop asking if this might turn into a war.

 We got a thing published over at AMPOL

 Thanks to Gene and Dave and all...

A Modest Proposal
  by Michael Dare

There's a 1964 film starring James Garner called "36 Hours." As written by Roald Dahl, who later became
one of the greatest children's authors of all time with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "James and
the Giant Peach," it tells the tale of an army major who wakes up from a coma in a VA hospital after the war.
His first question, of course, is "Did we win?" He's told America did indeed win the war, that the invasion
of France was a complete success. He says "Thank God the attack at Normandy worked."

It's all just a ruse. It's actually a German Hospital full of actors who speak perfect English, it's actually
BEFORE D-Day, and he has just given away our invasion plans to the enemy.

Good idea. Here's the plan.

We capture Osama bin Laden and knock him out. We crank him full of LSD and sodium pentathol
and let him wake up in paradise with the 77 virgins he's expecting to greet him. Let him meet Allah,
played by Charlton Heston, but only if Regis Philbin isn't available. Allah says "Welcome to paradise.
It's time for the final reckoning. Many acts were done in your name for which I wish to give you credit.
Tell me all you did or planned to do in my name."

And bin Laden spills the beans.
We find out everything he did and planned to do, information that would be totally lost if we just killed him.

After we get everything out of him we possibly can, Allah pulls off his fake beard and says "Surprise!"
He's put in a cage and left in Times Square where New Yorkers get to spit and piss on him for the rest of his natural life.


Well, what do you expect?
   by Locutus

 Click  Here

 Well, they did it again.

 I was looking forward to the most important Dave since his comeback show,
 and the huns at the K-Drag CBS affiliate ran sports and commercials for 15 minutes then said,
 "We now join David Letterman in progress."    God, I hate that.

 Oklahoma is such a hellhole that way.
 They consider the network feed a pesky thing that gets in their very important way.
 If West Wing is running the best first-run show of the season, they pull it off
 and run some damn basketball game, instead. They do this constantly.

 Then they run the West Wing and Law & Order at, swear to Koresh, 1 AM Monday morning.
 They're semi-friendly in Oklahoma, (if you're white) but they all have smirk for brains.

 I saw Dan Rather, who was a blubbering cliche of idiot talk.
 He said the terrorists were "pure evil" and "totally godless," when in fact, they just use a different
 book of insanity from the one we use over here, and that makes them bad. Then he mentioned that
 Poppy Bush could've nipped this in the bud ten years ago, which is true, but I'm not sure last night
 was the best time to mention that, and he mentioned it more than twice.

 Old Dan broke down a few times and Dave had to comfort him.
 I'm sure Dave was hoping Rather would be stronger.
 Then Regis came out and was a big of a jerk, recalling 2-3 times how Rather was crying.
 Again, did that need to be expressed? And if so, why more than once?

 I guess everyone was "off their ball" as my old Indian boss used to say.
 So, what did I miss?
 Were Dave's opening comments noteworthy?

 Lemme know,

From: mary.kay.dugan@kiski.net

Subject: I'm with you, man

BC - I can't believe that mail is running 15-1 against retaliation.  What's the matter with these people?
America didn't get this kind of freedom from a bunch of pansies wringing their hands and saying
"Oh dear, isn't this awful?"  Our brave fathers, grandfathers, etc. went out and did something about it.
Fighting evil ain't never gonna be pretty, but damnit it, it has to happen.
Without that fight, we don't have shit.

Mary, thanks.
I believe the national polls that say 80-90 percent want a swift military response.
I think the doves are a little more vocal - like the Nader people.

Re: glassing the guilty
   by Margaret Shemo

 Click  Here

 Lots of Mail

 Letter to the St Petersburg Times

 Impediments to peace

 Ironic, isn't it? If it weren't for the Christian, Jewish and Muslim faiths,
 we would probably have the one thing they all claim to want.   Peace.
      -- Bob Dalzell, St. Petersburg

 But Bob, without those imaginary gods looking down on us, those preachers
 would have to get jobs and pay taxes, so they stoke the fires of religious hate.
 Just like Rush and Fox News can't allow peace to break out, the churches must
 do what Falwell and Robertson did last week -  it beats working.


 "This week on Politically Incorrect, we're leaving an empty chair each night
    for Barbara Olson, who was on her way here to do this show."
     -- Bill Maher

 Had to get this up pre-Dave

 This was on the alt.fan.letterman newsgroup,   9 PM
 (You people do the newsgroups, right?)

Someone wrote:

I just spoke with writer/webcaster Jay Johnson, who says : "Watch the show
tonight, it's very emotional. It just opens with a graphic of the show logo, no
music, and dissolves to Dave sitting at the desk. Regis Philbin brings some
humor to the show at just the right time. The first half gets pretty heavy."

As for the show's regular New York "travelogue" graphics package,
"they have removed the towers from the opening, (but other than that) I'm not sure,
I don't think we all know yet...we're taking it day by day."

My roommate went to tonight's show (he got tickets just from walking outside and they
were giving them out - I was [and am] insanely jealous) and told me what happened.

He said that there was no comedy.  That the whole show was just talking.  I guess all
the guests talked about the WTC and Dan Rather even broke down and started crying.

However, my friend is only a casual viewer so he might not be a good
judge of whether there was comedy or not. We'll have to see.
Definitely something to tape though.


Dave's Monday Comeback for New York

I attended tonight's show, and will post a trip report by morning. I don't wish to discuss the taping's
contents in any detail before it airs. But please, everyone, don't miss this show. It doesn't have a
drastically altered format as some here have wished, and it is not a barn-burning display of patriotism,
with members of the armed forces marching around the theater. But the show is a perfect example
of Dave's genuineness and humanity, placed on his sleeve for all to see.

Last week I posted that Dave, more than any other entertainer, has the capacity to bridge humor
and seriousness, and guide a shocked, tear-soaked television audience gently back to the casual
innocence of laughter. I also wished for the return of a TV companion during good times and bad.

Dave comes through brilliantly, unassumingly, eloquently, humanely, touchingly.
It's an emotional show that includes a solo address by Dave at the desk, a deep and moving
conversation with Dan Rather (who likewise left his professional veneer in the dressing room),
and some casual conversation and quiet laughs with Regis.

Don't miss tonight's show.
Record it if you can, but watch it tonight.

David Letterman is the greatest entertainer in the world.



NEW YORK (AP) - Dave Barry wasn't funny. Comedy Central is keeping its signature show off the air.
And David Letterman's guest Monday was Dan Rather, rarely known for laughs.

Humor was muted in the wake of last week's terrorist attacks, even as
America's late-night television hosts returned to the air.

Letterman's ``Late Show'' on CBS, heeding President Bush's advice to get back to work Monday,
returned to the air for the first time since last Tuesday's attack. Rather and Regis Philbin were Letterman's guests.

ABC's ``Politically Incorrect'' taped a show Monday. Producers were keeping one of the
talk show's four guest chairs empty in honor of conservative commentator Barbara Olson,
who died in one of the ill-fated planes last week.

Barry, the syndicated humor columnist, dispensed with the jokes in his column in Monday's newspapers.
``No humor column today,'' Barry wrote. ``I don't want to write it, and you don't want to read it.''

Instead, Barry wrote about the nature of Americans.

Comedy Central has kept ``The Daily Show,'' a satirical show that runs four times weekly at 11 p.m. Eastern,
on reruns since the attack. The network decided Monday not to bring the show back live this week,
spokesman Tony Fox said.

``When you're talking about a show that is a news parody and the news is so consumed about this tragedy,
what's funny about what's unfolding here? Nothing,'' he said. ``As someone at the show said succinctly,
irony is dead for the moment.''

Comedy Central also removed reruns of its sitcom about President Bush, ``That's My Bush!'' from the air
and has painstakingly gone through its tapes to make sure it is not showing anything insensitive, Fox said.

The humor magazine The Onion also said it would publish no new material this week, instead putting out
a ``rerun issue'' of light articles that were previously released.

``There will be humor, but not now,'' said staffer Stephen Thompson.
``We're not feeling especially relevant right now. What are we going to say?
'Ooh, that Osama bin Laden, he'll be the victim of our rapier wit!'''

NBC's ``Tonight'' show with Jay Leno and ``Late Night'' with Conan O'Brien return to the air Tuesday.
AP-NY-09-17-01 1715EDT>>

From: rmorris@hemc.net

Subject: Re: Found your site during the election...

Dear: Bartcop.
     Found your site during the election...I am not a total political junkie...
But I am a Democrat and hate the way the election was stolen...I also can't stand that lying Rush "Pigboy".
I am ashamed to say this, but allot of the people you talk about that are in politics, I really don't know
who the hell they are, or what they have or hadn't done. I do know that Bill Clinton was one of the best
"if not the best" presidents this country has ever had. I enjoy your site, and have visited it several times
since the election. Keep up the good work and if I have any news or cartoons come my way
I will share them with you....Thanks for taking the time to read this.


 It was nice of you to write.
 These last few days have been weird,
 we generally try to have a good time.

 ...and yeah, the site is geared towards political junkies in the trenches,
 kind of a fan letter to the people on the front lines..

 From the Mirror

THE former president held the woman tightly in his arms and let her
pound out all the tears and the rage on his shoulder.

Another woman approached and collapsed in a wailing heap on to his chest.
He clutched her to him, lowered his head, and whispered words of comfort in her ear.

A small boy stood beside him, looked up in awe, and the big man pulled him towards his stomach.
He patted his head, looked down with pity in his eyes and gave the lad a look which said he
represented all that mattered now.  The future.

All around him, New Yorkers gathered, some to pass on their thanks that he had rushed to their side,
others to grab his hand and use him as an emotional crutch to make it through another wretched day.
All felt lifted to be in the presence of the man they had looked to for most of the past decade
when their country was in its hour of need.

Bill Clinton was back on home soil after a trip to Australia, looking,
acting and feeling like America's natural born leader.

New Yorkers, who three days after their world caved in had still to see George W Bush descend
on their city and show them leadership, greeted Clinton like a returning Messiah.

He, in turn, treated them like a priest tending a wounded flock. And it all came so naturally and  so genuinely
that it seemed somehow bizarre that he hadn't been driven there in a limousine bearing the seal of office.

The scene made me, as an outsider, and surely millions of Americans, ask:
Will the real president please stand up?

Wearing sports jacket and casual shirt, Clinton was mobbed outside The Armory building,
where 2,500 distraught New Yorkers queued to fill out missing person reports which
demanded the smallest details  on their lost loved ones.

He went on to tour the World Trade Center wreckage with his daughter Chelsea,
who had been only 12 blocks away when the twin towers collapsed.
As his grey head came into view, faces in the crowd shone with hope.

They cheered, they wept, they hugged him. They pushed photo-copied pictures of their
missing  loved ones into his hands asking him in desperation to help them through this.

And he did. Looking gaunt and tired from the stress of the past few days and the long flight
from Australia, he took all hands that were offered, pumped them, looked into people's eyes
and nodded reassuringly. This was the city where he had recently set up new offices in Harlem.
This was the state where he now lived with a wife who is their senator.

He was feeling their pain and dealing with it like the true statesman he is.
"We need not to show fear and not to give in to these people," he said with calmness and clarity.
"We need to prove them wrong by how we respond to this."

When pushed on the dilemma facing his successor, he offered his full backing to whatever course
of action he takes. He said: "I believe that the magnitude of this has generated support for the
United States and for taking action against these people that did not exist before.
And that will open up some options for the president that would not have been there before."

But it was the people Clinton had come to see and it was on them he lavished his empathy and charisma.
Here was a leader trying to deal with his people's anguish as they moved from shock to mourning
in the second phase of emotional rehabilitation which follows all disasters.

And his eyes were dry. Unlike George W Bush, Clinton wasn't weeping for himself or his nation
but soaking up their tears, helping them to grow stronger and more resilient as he did so.

Here he was, flying straight to the carnage at the heart of the nation at his first opportunity.
Bush, on the other hand who, when tragedy struck scuttled around national airspace
like a frightened rabbit as New Yorkers laid down their lives, had still to turn up in the city.

Bush's absence up until yesterday afternoon, had seemed both bemusing and wrong.
His speeches had been stilted and uninspiring. His language muddled.
His state of mind veering between an awkward blankness and an unfocused fury.

The president had left his desperate people feeling even more confused and frightened.
Worried that a void had opened up at the top of their democracy.

And then Clinton turned up and showed in a few brief minutes the way to fill it heroically.

Which gave America one more reason to weep.

 When Death says Hey

 Vic, the nut I work with, is a character.
 Sometimes that's good.

 Vic's the type of guy who, when you use the restroom, ...well, ...you'd better
 lock the door cause there's no telling when he'll decide to pull a prank.
 When someone pulls a prank on me, I like my pants up and secured.
 So whenever you're near Vic, you have to remember he's a character.

 So when Vic stuck his head in my office and said, "Something wrong with Jim,"
 I took a second to read his face. This wasn't a prank. He wasn't kidding.
 When I got to Jim's office, it looked real obvious.

 To avoid making a huge mistake, (I'll tell you that story sometime...)
 I pushed really hard on his shoulder and yelled, "...Jim!"
 Jim made an odd noise - it sounded like a snort you'd make when somebody
 woke you up too quickly, but he didn't wake up. He just sat there.
 Since he made the noise,  I gave him another shot and yelled his name again - nothing.

 Unlike most everyone on the planet, I always think of "911" when shit happens.
 I dialed it, and the lady said, "Fire, emergency or medical?"
 That's good, ...starting with multiple choice.

 I said, medical.

 Suddenly, a different voice said, "Medical, what's your address?"
 I told her.

 What's the nature of the emergency? Heart attack.
 How old is the victim? 65
 Male or female?  Male
 Is he conscious?  No
 Is he breathing?  I don't think so.

 OK, get him flat on his back, and move fast.

 So I yelled for Vic to help me, cause Jim's bigger than he looks.
 I got him under the arms, and Vic grabbed for his legs.
 What happened next wasn't funny, but you had to be there.
 His desk chair has wheels, and the chair tilted...

 I've never moved a body before, and I'm guessing Vic hadn't, either.
 It was a less than graceful move, but we finally got him flat on the floor.

 I grabbed the phone and asked what was next.
 She said, "Check his mouth for any kind of obstruction."
 Time was running out, so I pushed his mouth open and swished around
 inside with my finger looking for something, but nothing was there.

 I asked the operator what was next.
 She said, "Give him two mouth-to-mouth breaths and then put the heel of your hand
 on your other hand and give him 15 vigorous thrusts just below the sternum."

 Trust me, at this point, every man in America says, "But I'm not gay!"
 I didn't want to give Jim mouth-to-mouth, but goddammit, Jim's my friend,
 and my being a pussy is not going to be what kills him.

 So I pinched his nose and got an airlock on his mouth.
 It was like blowing up a balloon.
 In less than a second, you know if you have airlock.
 I got it right away and gave a big heave.
 I did it again.

 Then I put my right palm heel on my left hand and gave 15 vigorous pumps.
 I went back to the phone, hoping we could go to Plan B.
 She said, "Do both things two more times and come back."
 [Never an exact quote, it's what I remember...]

 I did, then I came back. "I'm done."

 OK, now put your hand over his mouth and see if he's breathing.
 And put your ear to his mouth and see if you can hear him breathing.


 I asked her what was next.
 She said "Stay with the mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions until they arrive."

 I went at it again, and then maybe a second or third time, I forget,
 but the EMT's showed up right away, they only took 3-4 minutes to get to us.

 It was a lot like an episode of ER.
 There was 5 or 6 of them, and they hovered over him as a team.
 They spread out around him and went to work.

 Those little sticky wire things went on every limb.
 They intubated him, if that's the right term.
 The guy did it smooth as hell, better than anyone I've ever seen on TV.

 They bagged him, one guy was doing chest compressions,
 two others were running the IV and there was a guy on the shock box.

 Can I say one thing?
 At one point they EMT dude looked at me and said,
 "Hold this bag, I have to go to the truck."

 So I'm holding the saline bag, and and I hear the EMT say, "Clear!"

 I'm no chemical engineer, but doesn't salt water conduct electricity?
 Again, I was determined to do whatever it took to help my friend, but just to be safe,
 I lifted my elbow and held the bag with a faint two-fingered grip, to minimize the voltage.

 A med-tech looked at me and laughed, which I welcomed.
 He said, "You're OK."

 More minutes went by, I didn't see any progress.
 After a while, they got a heartbeat and said his BP was 48/80.
 They took him away.

 So, why am I bringing this up?
 Two reasons.

 Reason One: I found myself in a life-or-death situation where the action
 I took or failed to take would determine the life or death of my friend Jim.
 If you find yourself in a situation where action can save lives, maybe you'll
 remember that IQ of 64 boy helped get a pulse from a dead man.

 If you're ever in that situation, fight back!
 Keep blowing, keep pumping.
 Don't let the bastard win.
 Keep blowing, keep pumping.

 Reason Two: Despite having a hits-seeking website, I don't seek the spotlight.
 I really, really want to avoid being anybody's hero.

 ...but, if I'm not Monday's hero, I'll lose my friend Jim, so I must be Monday's hero..

 I took a test today around 2:30 PM, and it got handed it about 4 PM.
 The doctors said we'd know in 48 hours.

 I'd really like to be the hero this time.

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

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