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Volume 932 - Nothing is real

please visit our advertisers

 Tuesday    Nov 19, 2002 

 Secret Court OKs Broad Wiretap Powers for Ashcroft
 Democrats, liberals, blacks, gays and teachers seen as first likely victims

  Click  Here

 In a victory for the Bush administration, (seems like every story starts that way now)
 a secretive appeals court ruled that Ashcroft has the right to use expanded powers to
 wiretap anyone he suspects of anything under The Patriot Act.

 The ruling was another blow to the once-concrete US Constitution. Civil libertarians say
 the limitless powers jeopardize constitutional rights. This ruling, by Rehnquist appointees,
 overturns a May opinion by the secret Foreign Intelligence Surveillance appeals court,
 consisting of non-Rehnquist judges.

 Civil liberties groups slammed the unconstitutional ruling.

"We are deeply disappointed with the decision, which suggests that this special court
 exists only to rubber-stamp government applications for intrusive surveillance warrants,"
 said Ann Beeson of the no-longer-relevant ACLU.

 The scariest part of this story?

 The appeal hearing was not public, and only Ted Olson presented arguments.

 Ted Olson, the B.F.E.E. operative who tried to reverse the 1996 elections results using the
 Paula Jones case, was the ONLY one the court heard from. If this Reuters story is true (big if)
 the court ruled without hearing arguments why Ashcroft should NOT have unlimited powers.

 One last thing to remember: The government always frames this in terms of "We have to know
 what the terrorists are doing," but under The Patriot Act, anyone that Bush or Ashcroft
 suspects might be involved in anything harmful to the United States, (such as free elections?)
 no longer has Constitutional rights.  It doesn't say "Saudis" or "Iraqis," - that's anyone.

 The Democrats couldn't win an election before Ashcroft became Ken Starr.
 What are the odds of Democrats ever winning an election again?

Hey, Funnyboy!
What are the odds of you
seeing Christmas 2003?

 What did Dubya do in the war, daddy?
  Canadian paper tells truth, American invasion imminent

  Click  Here

 As George W. Bush piously observed Veterans Day, media pundits somehow restrained
 themselves from pointing to the irony that the U.S. Commander-in-Chief, who's sometimes
 referred to as a "former fighter pilot," has an embarrassing military past. His records show
 that for months at a time during the Vietnam War, Bush could be classified as, at best,
 "absent without leave" (AWOL) or, at worst, as an army deserter.

 This would be equivalent to the media withholding comment as former U.S.
 President Bill Clinton publicly espoused the virtues of marital fidelity.

 Subject: Dee-fense


 First - John Wayne could not act,
 Ellen Degeneres is not funny and
 Michael Jackson is most definitely weird.

 Now, how about a comment on Rummy stating that the Iraq War will not be WWIII
 because the US Military is so much more powerful than it was in 1991 in direct contradiction
 to the Bush mantra that Clinton decimated the US Military. How can they have it both ways?


 They can have it both ways because the press refuses to ask any questions.
 It's disgusting the way they fawn over this smug-ass simpleton.

 When Clinton was handling Bosnia and Haiti, the GOP screamed that he was spreading
 the military t-o-o  t-h-i-n and they were about to fall apart. Now, we're preparing to attack
 every country known to have oil reserves - all with Clinton's armed forces.

 I had to run to the doctors office to get some anti-biotics for a nagging cough. (cough)

 There was a long line, seems like the whole world is sick, so I looked for a magazine.
 The best-looking magazine that was left was "Voices" magazine.

 On page two was a Viagra commercial, same for page three.
 Page four was something else, page five was another Viagra commercial.

 I half-read one story about what to do if your four-hour erection fails to go away..

 Soon, I figured out it was a Viagra magazine, so I dropped it like a hot potatoe.
 Koresh forbid, someone would recognize me in the doctor's office reading a Viagra magazine.

 Pretty soon, it'd be all over Fox News.  O'Reilly, Hannity, Snow and Hume - "Can Bart or can't he?"
 Then Pigboy, Laura, Matthews, Harvey et al, would go crazy, and Ann Coulter would write a book.

 From: Matt G

 Subject: The Wranglers Ad - Fortunate Son

  Click  Here

Where did the Social Security surplus go?

To the richest of the richest!
$3.9 billion to World Com - just so they could go bankrupt?
Where did  OUR  money go, George?

 Whoever sent these - send more.
I'll run these until Gore gets his House back

 Writer hacks into Saddam Hussein's mailbox

  Click  Here

 While doing research late one October night, Brian McWilliams, a freelancer who specializes
 in Internet security clicked on the official Iraqi government Web site, www.uruklink.net/iraq.
 On a whim, he typed in the address for Saddam, "press@uruklink.net," using "press" for president,
 and tried "press" again as a possible password.

 The most disturbing messages appeared to be business proposals from American companies,
 despite U.S. prohibitions against such transactions, McWilliams said.

 The CEO of a California wireless technology company e-mailed Saddam suggesting they could
 discuss "technology improvements and exporting of rich technology aboard," McWilliams said.

 This reminds me of an old Iran-Contra story that nobody will remember.
 Shortly after Reagan/Bush had stolen the 1980 election with their illegal October Surprise
 Bell Helicopter in Texas got a Telex from the Iranian government with a list of helicopter parts
 they desperately needed to keep their fleet in the air.

 The Bell people were confused, since trading with Iran then was like trading with Hitler,
 (Prescott Bush - call your office!) so they called Washington and asked what to do and
 Washington told them the Iranians were smoking something to just ignore it.

 Years later, we found out Bush 41 was secretly selling these terrorists weapons.

 The stupid Iranians thought they could just order whatever parts they needed from the source,
 when they really had to go thru the B.F.E.E. secret channels because  the sale was illegal.

 How does the B.F.E.E. get away with doing business with terrorists - and nobody cares?

 Oh, that's right - if Clinton's zipper isn't involved, it can't be a crime.

 It's a serious, constitutional crisis if Clinton sees a woman, but if the B.F.E.E. wants to make
 billions selling sophisticated weapons to terrorists like Saddam or Islamic Jihad,
 the good puppy press rolls over while the B.F.E.E. scratches their balls.

 It's been that way for 22 years now.


"The quote machine is broke. Engineering is working on it."
        -- bartcop

 James Coburn Dies at 74

  Click  Here

 It was in the mid-seventies when Coburn got the gig of a lifetime.
 Back then, the Schlitz Brewing Company was a hueueuge TV advertiser.
 Coburn signed a deal with Schlitz to say two words, "Schlitz Light,"
 in their commercial, and was paid a half million dollars for it.

 He never mentioned his name, never even said Schlitz was good beer.
 But back then, $500,000 was a lot of money, and Coburn was among
 the first celebrities to grab real money for doing very, very little.
 It was a gig anyone in Hollywood would like to have snatched.

 Here's a nice 3-meg anti-Smirk video by Debra, a pillar of bartcop.com


Marty always has good stuff!

 Yesterday's Star Trek Sex Quiz?

 The Vulcan was chosen as more sexy, 1829 to 736.

 The Vulcan- the ears really bring something to the mix.
 Like you said about the Patron or Herradura....it's a pick-em.
 I can't place the Vulcan! (She's the sexless Vulcan iceberg on Enterprise!)
 I'll go with the Vulcan.  They don't assimilate you if you get too close...
 Vulcan -- she's unique and perky.  Borg is  a cliche blonde model.
 Gotta give the "ears" up to the Vulcans.  Even in the 1955 Edsel
      upholstery catsuit on Enterprise, she's got it hands down.

 Canada: Thousands demonstrate against war on Iraq

  Click  Here

 The prevailing sentiment among the demonstrators was that the USís real
 aim in the current confrontation with Iraq is to seize control of its oil fields
 and otherwise strengthen the USís global geo-political position.


 Betting naked for peace

Click  here


 This is from all the way back to Volume Three - Vote for Buchanan!,
 when we were, ...when we were, ...when we were infants in the political game.


> Scenario: YOU are the Senior US Air Commander in Seoul.

> North Korea rattles their nuclear saber, and prepares to launch against Japan in less than 12 hours.
> Satellite photos confirm it. Clinton orders you to take out North Korea's Command center.

> The problem?

> You just found out that three of your best ten pilots are gay.  You must make a decision.
> Do you ground the gay pilots to preserve the symbolism of an all-straight military?

> Or do you want the substance of America's finest?

> The stakes are enormous.  That facility must be taken out.  Millions of lives are in the balance.

> What's your decision, Commander?  Do you want gays in the military?

 As we learned in Friday's Issue, Bush wants to preserve the charade of the all-straight military
 so six hard-to-find Arabic linguists were fired for being gay.

 So, if Al Qaida surprises us with another "spectacular" horror show,
 Bush has the satisfaction that no queers were there to prevent it?

 Is this what America voted to ratify in the last election?
 More dead Americans is better than letting the queers get involved?

 Our president is a gay-hating moron.

 Subject: Boondocks is in the Denver Post

 Hey Bart,

 Yeah, Boondocks is out there, we have it in the Denver Post. Of course
 there are regular letters to the editor protesting it, but it runs every morning,
 top position on the comics page, right where "Peanuts" used to be.
 Isn't that great?


by Bruce Yurgil

 ...and they're off!

  Click  Here

 Connecting the Dots on the Wellstone Assassination
       by David Spring

  Click  Here

 That leaves us with only one reasonable explanation left. As Sherlock Holmes said,
 "When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth".

 In this case, the only reasonable explanation left is sabotage. And not just any old kind of sabotage,
 but a very sophisticated job indeed. It must have involved not only alteration of the plane prior to take-off
 at the Twin Cities Airport but also coordination with someone on the ground near the crash site.
 How else could they have controlled the timing of the crash so precisely?

 Subject: Life Sucks

 I read you every day and lately you seem a bit down, not that I can blame you
 as the this country is going to hell fast with this fascist power grab going on.

 Nowadays if you are not supporting Bush then you are labeled a traitor! What the fuck!
 Please hang in there, you speak for many who have no voice.

 Thank you,

 Mike, I'm OK.
 For 10-11 days, I've had this nagging cough/sinus thingy.
 I got some pills (the non-fun kind) so I should be back to normal soon.

 Subject: Bush on magazine covers in Texas

 Dear Bartcop:

 You mentioned that you saw a number of Texas magazines with Bush on the cover.
 I live in Texas, and I'm real tired of seeing that shit too.

 However, the Texas Monthly you referenced, with the cover story "Bush's Crawford,"
 is not another paean to Bush but is instead a well written account of what has happened
 to Crawford since Bush decided to make it his hometown.

 For example, Bush has never attended the black church in Crawford; imagine that.
 Also, one of Bush's neighbors gladly pointed out that Bush wasn't even from Texas,
 let alone Crawford, and that a number of people resent the intrusion and the mayhem
 (i.e., F-16's screaming overhead) that accompany his visits. I recommend the story.

 That's great news.
 Almost half of Arkansas hated Clinton, (the racist, Dixie-whistling sons of bitches)
 and I thought Texas (racist, Dixie-whistling bitches) was 100 % behind never-elected.

 In closing, a word about sports. As an Okie, your joy at Texas's loss is understandable.
 I went to UT, so you can go ahead and gloat, scoreboard, I know, I once again must
 wait until next year. However, you brag about OU beating Baylor by 40 points; yeah,
 I could go beat up a third grader but that doesn't make me a bad ass.
 Did it take away the sting of losing to A&M?

 That burns like lye in my eyes!
 A&M couldn't even beat Oklahoma State, and they killed the Sooners!

 Again, love the site, keep up the good work.

 Earl H

 Ponder this

 What if the CIA/B.F.E.E. knew bin Laden was planning the 9-11 attacks, and the real reason
 they had to steal the White House was because they knew that the next president could easily
 get extra-Constitutional powers which would make him, essentially, King of the World.

 You know they'd never allow a Democrat to be king.

 Is that why the RNC flew dozens of operatives to Florida to riot and stop the vote counting?
 Is that why the Democrats didn't fight as hard, because they didn't know bin Laden's plans?

 Paid GOP operatives - posing as
 angry Floridians. The press knew
 who they were, but they played
 along to help their boy George
 illegally get into the White House.

 Is that why the RNC bussed hundreds of operatives to Al Gore's home to scream, "get out!"
 Click  Here  to read what ABC refused to broadcast from their Gore interview.

 Is that why the Democrats didn't fight as hard, because they didn't know bin Laden's plans?

 Since the weather's getting cooler, it's a good time to consider
 getting or sending the South's Finest Chocolate.

 Their plain, milk chocolate is the best on the planet.
 It's called "Break up" chocolate.

 Click  Here  to order the best chocolate there is!

  How long has it been since you visited the
 Patrick Farley masterpiece?



 November ad special - going fast!

 Ten ads for just $300

 You can have every Wednesday, Thursday or Friday.
 ...and weekends are half-price!

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 Reach dozens with your message.

Subject: Answer the Questions!

Who the hell are you trying to fool?
 You did not answer one of Yen Yen's questions.
 They were damn good questions.
 You helped make up my mind, Bart, I do not believe a thing you write any longer.

 You just lie and BS everything and are a scaredycat when it comes to hardball questions.
 Tim Russert and Chris Matthews would be off the air if they did what you do.
 Hey, maybe that's why your sorry ass can't get a rinkydink radio station to give you an hour of time.
 You don't listen and you lie your fat ass off.
 Jake Hatter

 Jake, if you're the same guy who wrote (Probably Yen Yens other mailboxes)
 I asked you to list the questions I avoided - you failed to do so.

 Do as you're told and I'll straighten you out.

Bush promised to get bin Laden.
He vowed "to bring him to justice or bring justice to him."
That's why his approval numbers went to the high eighties.
That was 422 days ago ...and counting

The good puppy press has forgotten,
the good puppy press has forgiven,
...but I haven't.

One on one gun debate

 He says:
 Three shots and yer out.  Make guns capable of only three shots.
 I tried it on a rightwing talkshow host and got him bamboozeled. :)

 I say:
 What if four people need dying?

 My Glock holds 14. That seems like plenty to me.
 If it held less, that'd probably be OK, too.
 I can't hold off an entire army, but I'd hate to have just three shots.

 Those 50-bullet magazines should be illegal.
 Six or eight seems like a round number.

 I'm not a gun nut, I just want a gun or two.

 Your turn.

 Yes, bartcop.com  is worth $10 a month

 No, bartcop.com  is not worth $10 a month, because 

 You rich Hollywood gazzilionaires  Click  Here  to claim a hueueueueueuge tax loss.

 VCR Alert - Shania on Dave tonight

       ...if you're into hot, talented babes who
       write their own songs and actually sing.

 BTW, last Friday on Dave, Paul's "man on cape" was Chris Elliot.

From: Yen Yen

Subject: One more question, please

Mr. Bartcop:

First I can no longer call you Honorable Mr. Bartcop.
You have violated trust and truth.
I regret your unfortunate behavior.
It is indeed regrettable.
I will pray to Buddha for your eternal soul.

I'm sorry - in your country, it is bad manners to give a monkey the red-ass?
I had no way to know that...

Please answer this question to start regaining your self respect:
Why did Vice President Al Gore lose both his home state Tennessee
and Bill Clinton's home state Arkansas?

Tennesse and Arkansas are extremely racist and backward states.
It's my guess you don't live in either state, because if you look Chinese
they'd kick your ass daily, unless you're one of those kung-fu grasshoppers.

Did their home state public disrespect them so much they
could not vote for him or was Bush just better?

Odds are Tennessee didn't want to become the new home for hillbilly jokes.
I imagine Arkansas was glad to see the Clinton Miracle end, so they could
stop hiring so many lawyers to get them free of assholes like Ken Starr.

...and George Bush isn't "better" than anyone at anything besides getting drunk and going AWOL.

Ziangshu Meishong Kitabeppu,
Chang Yenyen

Et cum spiri tu tuo,

Ho...                 ho...                  ho!

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