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Volume 958 - Head lopping

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Weekend    December 21-22, 2002 


"In the course of just a week, I had been arrested, handcuffed,
  thrown into a holding cell, humiliated in a public courthouse and, now,
  involved in an automobile accident in the middle of the desert.
  As I stood by the side of the highway, looking up at the vast
  universe of stars in the black night sky, I thought to myself,
  'Things cannot get any worse.'

  I wasn't even close."
   -- Susan McDougal in The Woman Who Wouldn't Talk.

 This book rules.

 Dr Laura's mother apparently murdered in L.A.
 She had been dead for a "substantial period of time," possibly several months.

  Click  Here

 I first heard of this in the car coming home from work.
 My first thought was "No need to get into this - leave it alone."
 Then I got to BartCop Manor, and read more on Yahoo News.

 Yahoo said Ms. Schlessinger issued this statement:

"I am horrified by the tragic circumstances of my mother's death and
  so sad to learn that she died as she chose to live -- alone and isolated.
  My mother shut all her family out of her life over the years, though we
  made several futile attempts to stay connected. May God rest her soul."

 She used the occasion of her mother's murder to score points - but with whom?
 Surely not her mother - she'd been dead for months.
 Surely not with the public - we don't care and it's none of our business.

 She could've simply said, "This is so tragic, I'm deeply saddened. Though we
 had grown apart in later years, I still remember her warmth and kindness."

 But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!.

 Like Ann Coulter using Barbara Olson's death to attack Bill Clinton, Laura the Unloved
 thought this was the perfect opportunity to slam her recently-murdered mother, but why?.

 Is she that petty and vindictive?
 Have you ever heard of or known anybody that petty and vindictive?

 Thursday (we get her show a day late) Laura told some caller she didn't have to
 love her parents, but she should drop by every 6 months to honor them and be civil
 and polite, and now we read in Yahoo News that in a 1998 Vanity Fair interview,
 Laura confessed she hadn't seen her mother since 1984.


 She told Vanity Fair, "My mother is filled with negativity."

 I wonder if Laura's husband's ex-wife and ex-family had that same "negativity."
 I wonder if Bill Ballance, the boyfriend who took those vagina pictures had that same "negativity."

 With all her fame and all her fans and her hundred million dollars, this sick woman is so unhappy.
 Meanwhile, all over America, there are families happy and grateful for what they have,
 even though Dad only makes $25,000 a year.

 Maybe that should be the lesson for this Christmas.
 Money doesn't mean happiness.

 Should we feel your pregnant wife’s breasts
 before throwing you in a cell at the airport
 then lying about why we put you there?

 Click  Here  and prepare to be pissed off

"I’m’s...they touched my breasts...and..."
 That’s all I heard. I marched up to the woman who’d been examining her and shouted,
"What did you do to her?" Later I found out that in addition to touching her swollen
 breasts – to protect the American citizenry – the employee had asked that she lift up her shirt.
 Not behind a screen, not off to the side – no, right there, directly in front of the hundred
 or so passengers standing in line. I demanded to know what the federal employee had done to make her cry,
 I was swarmed by Portland police officers. Instantly. Three of them, cinching my arms,
 locking me in handcuffs, and telling me I was under arrest.

"That's how we do things in Bush's Amerikkka.
 She coulda been a beaner or a knappyhead.
 You don't like it? I have a pillory in my secret
 torture chamber in Gitmo you might like better?"

 Nuclear Weapons Threat

 The United States is about to go to war with Iraq using the reason that Iraq
 has - or someday might have - nuclear weapons. At the same time North Korea
 - who has a working nuclear plant - and who has disabled it's nuclear surveillance
 devices - is clearly on the path to manufacturing nuclear weapons.

 So - why are we going after Iraq who isn't building nuclear weapons and not going
 after North Korea who clearly is? I think this artificial war with Iraq is about oil and
 politics and the people of America are being defrauded by our own government.

 Marc Perkel

 Remember this from Wednesday's page?


>"I believe the people of South Carolina can figure out what to do with this flag issue.
>  It's the people of South Carolina's decision."
>   --Dubya,  to cheers from Carolinians, during the Carolina primary where he
>      repeatedly refused to say whether the Confederate flag offended him

 I caught a minute of the infamous racist Bob Jones on Larry King Friday night.

 He said as soon as the flag controversy started, Bob Jones, himself a Carolinian,
 said the Carolina flag was "divisive and should come down right away."

 To me, that's proof Bush is more racist than even Bob Jones.

 Anybody want to argue with me on that?
 Also, the people who consider President Racist a decent and moral man...
 Wouldn't that be proof of their racial bias, too?

 Before this whole Trent Lott mess dies down, I think we should
 remember how Denny Hastert got his job as Speaker of the House.

 After Gingrich was caught whoring around, Livingston was given a shot.
 But Larry Flynt had tapes of Livingston licking the boots of his dominatrix,
 so he had to step down, and then a panic set in on the GOP.

 They were in the process of impeaching a president for having sex, and they
 couldn't find any Republicans who weren't screwing around on their wives!!


 What would happen the the shrinking credibility of the GOP if the THIRD
 Speaker in a row was guilty of the "crime" they impeched Clinton for?


 They kept looking and kept looking. Everyone in line for the job had cheated
 and proof was out there, (even tho reporters would NEVER tell on a Republican)
 so they kept digging and kept digging until they found Dennis Hastert.


 Dennis Hastert, a wrestling coach from Illinois.

 Since they had to find a House Republican who has always been faithful to his wife,
 Denny Hastert suddenly became the third most powerful man on the planet, mostly
 because babes don't find sweaty wrestling coaches all that screwable.

 Now fast-forward to this week.

 Trent Lott got caught being a racist prick.
 Next in line was Oklahoma's Junior embarrassment - Don Rickles (R-Racist).

 But, just like Livingston and all the other House Republicans, Rickles was just as big
 of a racist prick as Lott was, so he had to be passed over. They finally settled on Frist,
 and that was only because he's so new to politics, his name isn't on a whole gaggle of
 "screw the African American" legislation - so he got the top job.

 In closing (crowd does the wave) the second-biggest reason Smirky McHandjob was
 selected to be our president is because he's one of the few Republicans who didn't spend
 most of the ninties rooting around inside Clinton's zipper for some non-existent "proof"
 that would show Clinton to be a murdering, drug-dealing, serial-rapist.

 So, we got Hastert because he's as unlucky as Ken Starr with women,
 we got Smirky McHandjob because he wasn't in on the GOP's cockhunt
 and now Frist is king of the senate because he's too new to have a record.

 It's amazing how we pick our leaders, isn't it?


"Please don't kill me - please don't kill me..."
     -- The very decent and moral george W Bush, laughing and joking and having
   a good time doing funny impressions of the woman whose life he was about to order
  snuffed out (her name was Karla Faye Tucker, I wonder if President Giggle remembers?)
  for Crossfire's man-on-the-right Tucker Carlson in their limo.

 Don't tell me he's a decent human being.
 He's got Nixon's morals and Reagan's brain.

 Carlyle Group Buys Chunk of CSX

  Click  Here

 CSX was run by CEO John Snow until last week, when Snow was tapped to replace
 Paul O'Neill as the Treasury Secretary by the Bush administration. The Carlyle Group
 is an incredibly powerful multinational corporation that enjoys senior advisors like
 George Bush(41) and James Baker III. Now, CSX and Carlyle have joined.
 The same names seem to keep popping up in all sorts of interesting places.

 The B.F.E.E. needed a bag man at Treasury that they could trust, so they buy CSX
 and hire their boy Snow to facilitate the looting the US Treasury. I suspect they're
 stealing so many tons of cash that they now need f-ing boxcars to transport it all.


"The most remarkable aspect of Trent Lott's inevitable defenestration is how meekly
  the once-proud Senate has surrendered to the designs of Karl Rove. Whatever marvelous
  qualities Sen. Bill Frist may possess, he has served one term in the Senate, and has pledged
  to serve no more than two. On the institutional merits, Frist's candidacy for majority leader
  is a joke. That's a heavy doctor's bag the former heart surgeon is carrying, too. He was one
  of the authors of the shameful Eli Lilly Thimerosal amendment to the Homeland Security bill,
  and his fortune derives from family holdings in Columbia/HCA, the crooked health-care company
  that just agreed to an $880-million settlement of fraud charges with the Justice Department."
    --Joe Conason, Joe Conason's Journal, 12/20/02

'Friends' to Stay On Another Season

 NBC' announced a surprise agreement Saturday to keep the top-rated comedy "Freinds"
 on the air for another season. NBC spokeswoman Rebecca Marks confirmed the deal and
 said there would be one significant change. Ross Geller, played by David Schwimmer,
 would have a sex-change operation to reflect his severe lack on manhood on the show.

 How Enron and Bush gave working families the reach-around

  Click  Here

"It's a pretty tough thing trying to explain to your 5-year-old kid why the lights
 won't come on anymore," said Crystal Faye of Everett. "I didn't pay much attention
 to all that stuff about California and Enron, but it's certainly come home to hurt us now."

 Crystal, actaully it's very easy to explain.
 Tell your son that an oil man stole his way into the White House and his oily friends
 were making as much as $500,000,000 on one single day by energy-raping California.

 ...and the public is OK with that, they love George Bush.
 ...and the press is OK with that, they love George Bush.
 ...and I guarantee the Democrats are OK with that, they worship George Bush.

 Anything the Commander in Thief wants - he gets, you know why? f-ing neither.

 Dueling Quotes

"There's a real sense of frustration, from the president on down, that the
  White House is being blamed for something it did not do. Because the story line
  is so juicy and too many in the press wanted it to be true, the usual safeguards
  of probing and inquiring deeply weren't pursued."
    --Ari Fleischer, lying his ass off about their role in sinking Trent Lott's

"Just because they're not backed up doesn't mean they're not true."
   --CBS's Bill Plante

"Well, that's a heck of a standard for thorough, probing journalism. "
   --Ari Fleischer, asking about Thorough, probing journalism?  ha ha

"Taking your word for it is not a standard either. "
   --Helen Thomas, not afraid of Karl Rove

 Excerpts from an exchange during a White House briefing yesterday morning,
 when Fleischer complained about "assertions that are not backed up."

 Hey Ari, tell us again about how the Clintons vandalized the White House!
 Tell us how they stripped Air Force One, too, you lying shit.

 Bush's race to war puts world at risk
    originally seen at

  Click  Here

 Mr. Bush and the warmongers in his cabinet want a war against Saddam.
 They say they must stop him because he has weapons of mass destruction.

 But only one leader has weapons of mass destruction and plans to use them.
 His name is George W Bush and it is he who must be stopped.

 Tax advice

 Spending money on advertising is a business expense.

 If you send money to PO Box 54466  Tulsa, OK 74155,
you'll make the pie higher,
you'll grow your business bigger
you'll make big money like a soulless Republican.
you'll probably go to Heaven

 Remember - it pays to advertise on - read by dozens.

 Visit the all-new 


"Short of Laura Bush and the twins coming out and saying it's time for
  Lott to go the leaks suggested that everyone is on the same page.
  This White House didn't want to be caught playing the Washington game
  of putting things out there without attributing your name to it."
     --Time's Karen Tumulty

 Hey, something we need to be prepared for in the coming "war" with Iraq

 If Bush convinces Saddam he's coming, Saddam might flee the country and
 the brainless warmonger Smirk might then be called a genius by some.

 Bush reminds me of Cleavon Little escaping from the Guns of Rock Ridge
 by putting a gun to his own head - remember what the townspeople said?

 "He's just crazy enough to do it!"

 Bush can use his "idiot, brainless cowboy" image to scare the bad guys.
 That's the same image Saint Reagan used in the campaign of 1980 - and it worked.

 ...or was it the two planeloads of Stingers that Ollie delivered with the Bible?

 Honey Trap Trickster?...or CIA Assassin?
  No, not Chuck Barris  ...Barbara Hartwell!

  Click  Here

"...some people will believe anything they see in print or any scuttlebutt they hear; especially if it's
 juicy enough to whet their appetite for the forbidden. The shadowy world of covert operations
 seems to posess a dark force of gravity, compelling in and of itself. Perhaps, for the gullible,
 the ignorant or the just-plain-stupid, such sensational rumours have 'sex appeal'.
 Perhaps they serve to distract from the dull routine of everday life. Who knows ?


 Why post that same misguided story again that is factually incorrect?
 If you click on the link of the Vietnam vet story it's the same one
 from Tom Flocco that you posted a few days ago.


 Eric, the first story was "Michael Moore's home raided."

 The second story was "A Vietnam Veteran's home was raided,
 possibly because he has the same name as left-wing filmmaker Moore."

 If you know of something factually incorrect about any of that,
 why not send me your rebuttal to straighten the story out and I'll print it?


Marty's Saturday E! page

Dave and JLO get married?
Also, besides Bill Clinton,
who has monkeys in their pants?
Marty's Sunday E! page
Bush twins
Jane Fonda
Ted Williams's head
Joan Rivers can get bitchy?
Bill Mauldin's veterans.



"Running a close second for worst moment was when Se. Al D'Amato
  of New York called me sleazy (on TV). Being called "sleazy" by Al D'Amato
  is like being called "inarticulate" by George W. Bush."
   -- Susan McDougal in The Woman Who Wouldn't Talk.

  ha ha

 You gotta get this book.

 By the way, I'm actually reading this book.
 Have you ever heard of me reading a book before?

 That's how good this book is.

 You gotta get this book!

 Books sold thru  so far = 40
 Not sure why (I need a staff) but many people are getting 30% off.
 Maybe if you order two books you get 30% off?
 So consider buying two books, or buy Susan's book and Betty's book...

 Subject: The "courageous" Trent Lott

 I thought it was quite amusing that one of the repugs came on saying
 how courageous Trent was in his resignation and then 5 seconds later
 seeing that he had sent his wife out to tell them bad old reporters to go home.


 New Years

  My New Years resolution is to build  and  BartCop Radio into
 giant internet juggernauts that will red-ass the Republicans.

 What's yours?

  Is  worth $5 a month?

  Is  Bartcop Radio  worth $10 a month?

  Click  Here   to go crazy and get BartCop Radio started tomoro!


"If I had to listen to her, I probably would have developed a little bit
  of a segregationist feeling.  But I think everybody can look at my life
  and what I've done and say that's not true. I mean, she was such a bitch."
   -- Carolina Rep. Cass Ballenger, (R- Racist) talking about Cynthia McKinney

 Subject: Rep. Ballenger's lawn jockey is now white

 Hello, Bart --
 I dunno if you've heard of Rep. Cass Ballenger (R. Bigotville, NC) and his remarks about
 Cynthia McKinney ("I mean, she was such a bitch") that have gotten some press this past week.

 Here's the howler of a punchline -- he had his staff paint his lawn jockey WHITE this past week,
 after years of complaints.

 See this Guardian article for a good summation:

 Why, in the Cleveland neighborhood I grew up in, my neighbors all painted their lawn jockeys white
 back in the 60s! And we could tell if they used interior paint, because those all peeled the next winter
and had to be repainted in enamel. In the meantime, those lawn jockeys looked like... dalmatians!

 Trent Lott went on BET and backed affirmative action; Ballenger painted his lawn jockey white.
 I guess we're rid of that whole race thing, eh?

 Best regards,

 Mark, thanks.
 Your note brought me back to Zappa's Uncle Remus.

 I can't wait till my Fro is full-grown
 I'll just throw 'way my Doo-Rag at home
 I'll take a drive to Beverly Hills
 Just before dawn
 An' knock the little jockeys
 Off the rich people's lawn
 An' before they get up
 I'll be gone, I'll be gone
 Before they get up
 I'll be knocking the jockeys off the lawn

 Have a job opening?   Need a job?

  Visit the resume page

  Click  Here  to e-mail your resume to Ed.
  Send him whatever details you want published.

 Phyllis A, the best real estate agent in Virginia

 I've lost your e-mail address.

 Send me something...

 Pyramid Scheme
  Poindexter seeks Total Information Awareness

 Smoking pot does not make me paranoid. Admiral John M. Poindexter does.
 Best known for his starring turn in the Iran Contra Affair, Poindexter is now the man
 in charge of the Information Awareness Office—a data-mining/snooping project the
 Pentagon is developing via The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency.
 Perhaps you’ve noticed their delightfully creepy logo staring at you from this page.

 The logo, in fact, must have been a bit too creepy.
 It’s no longer visible on the official IAO website.

Great  FOB's  Books

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......................        .........
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