Wholesaler of the Republican red-ass
Unelected bumps his head on Gore's helicopter
J M Marshall
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"I saw President Bush on that aircraft carrier
in the Pacific yesterday.
Incidentally, that's the closest he's ever got to the War in Vietnam."
-- Senator Fritz Hollings
"I want him killed I can do that, you know - legally.
The Democrats gave me that power - they really did."
Mark Geragos said he had been hired by Scott Peterson's family.
He will replace two public defenders assigned to Peterson during
arraignment April 21, when Peterson said he couldn't afford a lawyer.
Wow - this is a shocker.
I only saw a few on the Laci Petersen Larry King shows, mostly because
I like watching Mark beat up on that witch Nancy Grace from Court TV.
One snippet I caught was the day or day after they arrested Peterson.
Grace was screeching, "He was about to flee to Mexico - that's why he was in San Diego,"
and Geragos smiled and very calmly said, "His parents live in San Diego."
Then Grace screamed, "He was heading
towards another country, any idot knows that,"
and Mark replied, "He was driving north when they stopped him and arrested him. If he was
trying to get to another country, it was Canada," and then he chuckled at her wild assumptions.
"But Bart, do you think Petersen's guilty?"
Sure, but what do I know? Like you, all I know about this
case is what the money-driven media
has packaged together for our entertainment. Larry King has been playing this like an episode of
Columbo, where we alllllll know he's guilty - we're just waiting to see the trap snap shut on him.
Moral Crusader Is Relentless Gambler
Better-than-you Bill Bennett has lost millions in Las Vegas and Atlantic City
during the past decade, but it's none of your business because he's a Republican
"I'm a whore."
Bill Bennett, the popular GOP whore, author, lecturer and Republican Party activist speaks out, often indignantly,
about almost every moral issue except one—gambling. The author of "The Book of Virtues" and one of the nation's most
relentless moral crusaders, is a high-rolling gambler who has lost more than $8 million at casinos in the last decade,
according to online reports from two magazines. According to casino documents, Bennett is a “whale” at at least four
venues in Atlantic City and Las Vegas. His games of choice: video poker and slot machines, (Or was it slut machines?)
some at $500 a pull. With a revolving line of credit of at least $200,000 at each casino, Bennett, former drug czar and
secretary of Chutzpa under Reagan and Bush, doesn’t have to bring money when he shows up at a casino.
Back in 1998, I wrote a joke.
What's the difference between Bill Bennett and David Koresh?
Bill Bennett is still smoking!
Hey, ...in 1998, I was just getting started!! Give me a
"By the year 2002, we can have a federal government
with a balanced budget
or we can continue down the present path towards total fiscal catastrophe."
-- Tom DeLay, lying again, trying to make Clinton look like a wild spender when Moron is guilty,
"I'm nuts about Dubya,"
Koresh, I feel so sorry for them.
Did you see that train wreck Saturday?
Probably, over the decades, they've done worse shows, but I didn't see them.
They started out with a twice-lame skit about Bush yakking off
on the aircraft carrier Lincoln.
It was terrible, and it went on forever. There was a point, midway (no pun) thru where "Bush"
had so many straight lines in a row, everything lined up for a giant payoff, ...but they never pulled the trigger.
How is this possible?
SNL has about 25 of the smartest, hippest (and funniest?) writers
on the entire East Coast,
and they can't make the first skit of the show even half-funny after several weeks off?
Tracy needs to find a dealer with better shit.
So guest star Ashton Kushner, whatever, from Dude,
where's my car? opens the show.
He's not wearing pants.
I'm was doing something, maybe pouring a shot of God's Chosen
Elixir, and Mrs Bart says,
with a voice flatter than Sonny's tires on the Causeway, "...he's not wearing pants."
I look up, and once again, Mrs Bart was telling the truth.
Then Kushner, whatever, did a lame skit about, "I think I might be forgetting something."
This is the best NBC and New York have to offer after a few weeks
With all those millions and all that history and all those writers?
Koresh, give me three writers for an hour and we'd do a much better show - please!
Chevy Chase - come back! All is forgiven!
A lame skit here, a lame skit there, ...and then 50 Cent came
(50 Cent has been the King of Music for about 90 days.)
Now, I know less about rap music that I do most other subjects,
but suddenly I'm respecting Eminem
because he's got it all over this 50 Cents guy. Oh, his claim to fame? He's been shot nine times.
Check these lyrics:
I'm into makin' love,
So come give me a hug,
You find me in the tub...
I'm sorry, *I* can rap better than that, and I've never
...but I've done some shots in my time...
...remember last week I said I'd be a Daily Show intern for free, ...just to learn how they did it?
Tina, it hurts me to say this, but you should spend some
time with Stewart's people.
It ain't working, Tina.
I wouldn't trade my future for your past and that should scare you, cause I'm 49.
Finally, after what seems like 90 minutes, Weekend Update
They scored as follows - each joke rated from one to five stars
I've been a "comedian" for seven and a half years, and I'vbe never heard the audience laugh.
I always wished I could get this kind of feedback, ranking every joke in an issue from 1-5 stars.
Anybody want to help Ol' Bart grow by critiquing everey bit in some issue - from 0-5 stars?
SNL, Weekend Update, May 3, 2003
1. Powell joke: 1 out of four - it was awful, but it had
the germ of a joke.
2. Bush: I gave it a 3, because I don't like him. It was probably a 2 joke.
3. Bush joke: another 3, I don't like the son of a bitch
4. Bush socks in pants: a 1, and I'm in a good mood
5. NY tourists have SARS: 1
6. SARS second joke: I gave it a 2
7. Liza married a freak: I gave it a 0. Maybe they can't get enough of Liza in NY, but nobody else cares.
8. Harry Potters - No More Trees : I don't get it - I don't have kids. I gave it a 1.
9. Monica: I gave it a 4: Not Mr Personality, it's The Masked GangBang, something like that.
10. Salt Lake: They pay people for jokes this lame? Another 0
11. Tracy Morgan ate Saddam's Birthday Cake?: Isn't this supposed to be a comedy? 0
12. Tommy Lee's latest lay has "Had it up to here.":Could be funny, maybe in prison.
13. Dog sniffing is a bad occupation. Another 0
14. The Florida Dig: BartCop Volume 100 was funnier than this.
15. Lies about sex: what an original concept...
16. SARS again, this time the singing doctors: I kinda liked it because it was the last joke. 2
Anything that could bring this SNL Weeekend Update to a close must be a good thing.
Gees, guys, I don't even have writers, but would you like to borrow some?
...just trying to help.
Gee, Condi's a pilot just like Pinhead is.
Q: Could you tell from the "thump," that it was a
wooden cork popping from a bottle of Chinaco?
A: Music to my ears
Bush's popularity must be keeping you awake at night.
Right now, Bush is at 65.
When you guys impeached out last elected president, he was at 72.
I thought he looked real good landing on the Abe Lincoln the way he did.
If the Democrats had any brains, (should I even finish this sentence?)
they would show a still shot of Bush
on the Lincoln with the GAO cost estimate for that little stunt, and then remind people that Bush was preventing
these brave men for reaching their loved ones with his unelected ass posturing around like a drunk peacock.
But the Democrats are too stupid/scared/timid
to take any action against the never-elected Usurper!
I understand that his staff didn't loot
the ship's supplies the way Clinton and his staff did when they left the
Teddy Roosevelt and the White House. When Clinton left the Roosevelt they took all they could carry,
the skipper even sent the White House a bill, I'm sure they skipped on it.
We both know that enever happened, but I can see that it helps
you politically to pretend that it did
because there's no liberal media to refute the generally accepted lie that the Clinton's looted anything.
Too bad you had to hang your hat on such a poor example.
If you mean the Democrats, I'm with you, Dude.
Tears come to my eyes each time I remember that I'm in a party of gutless pussies.
See you later and good luck with your Bartcop.com
For a stalker, you're kinda polite.
Wanna be on the radio show?
Subject: Dixie Chicks tour promoter - is Clear Channel
... long time reader.
The Chicks play Tampa on Monday .... ads appearing in all the
papers ... in
the small print, the tour is being promoted by Clear Channel Entertainment.
Are they bi-polar or what?
Bash `em, but roll in the cash from them too.
"The Pirates who lead United States can only
achieve their goals through the familiar modalities of Race War.
The supermajority may deride French fries, but they are willing to cook Iraqis, just as they did Vietnamese.
There is no majority for an oil or dollar war. Racism unites the majority in a Race War."
--The Black Commentator, Race: The Great American Mobilizer
Subject: "No WMD, Bush Finished" - Limbaugh said it
Thank you for maintaining a vanguard of
truth against the barrage of tainted media sources.
I don't know if you may have caught it, but some time around January or February of this year
(a little before a little after?), Rush Limbaugh said the following words on his daily radio show
about the impending war in Iraq:
"If they don't find weapons of mass destruction, Bush is finished."
Please check your hog watching sources and
I think it is a very tasty morsel.
Moe in Miami
Subject: bartcop.com sign at CMSU peace vigil - 5/2/03
We held our final peace vigil on the campus
of CMSU [55 vigils over a period of 11 weeks] on May 2, 2003.
Friday was the last day of classes. The gentleman in the white cap immediately to the left of the bartcop sign
is "Oz", a veteran of Operation Market Garden. His sign reads: "Support our troops, no more pre-emptive wars!"
Mike, thanks for that!
Is Sanctimonious Liberal still reading bartcop.com?
Dude, drop me an e-mail...
Subject: West Wing
I'm sure you'll love the spin that CNN was
rolling out today about Sorkin and the West Wing.
He's leaving, ratings are down. Why are the ratings down?
The show's just too liberal and the public doesn't want to see that kind of thing.
The diarrhetic horseshit just keeps pouring out of the cable media.
There are lots of things to hate about this new fascism that's
grabbed our country.
One of the worst is they'll take everything and then try to take even more.
They're not happy controlling the White House, the Senate, the
House, the military,
the Treasury, the Supreme Court and the appointment of future judges - that's not enough.
They want a lot more than that.
They want your children's futures, too, they want all radio and
TV programming to go thru Mr Rove
and worst of all, they expect us to say, "Thank you. May I have another?" when they're finished.
" But Bart, what's wrong with being polite?"
The Kentucky Derby
Tim Robbins going to the Baseball Hall O'Fame
A tribute to Fred Rogers
James Brown turned 70
France had its first legal rave
30,000 white mice in Oklahoma City need a home
San Francisco hosted a 'Masturbate-a-Thon'
And, St. Gennaro's blood liquified, making most of Naples happy
Subject: the little plane ride
Think Bush's little plane ride will qualify
as his having completed his National Guard duties?
Then we'd have to stop saying he was AWOL?
By the way, Ari the Forked Tongue lied his ass off for the 1,000th
time on this stupid stunt.
He said Bush HAD to take a plane instead of a chopper because of "the hours" it would take
to reach the Lincoln by chopper which was waaaaay out to sea.
It was 39 miles out, and they had to position the ship to hide the San Diego coastline.
They lie so blatantly, again and again and again,
and nobody, not the Democrats, not the press,
ever calls them on ANY of their lies, no matter who dies, no matter who's arrested or invaded.
All Bush ever did was rape the child bride and the press gives him an eternal honeymoon.
by the Daily Brew
... a Democratic candidate who refuses to attack his rivals on the stage Saturday should be
correctly viewed as an aspirant who is willing to put the good of his party (and his country)
ahead of his personal ambition. Democratic partisans watching the debate should also conclude
that any candidate who does the opposite is simply feeding the GOP attack machine, and
should adjust their support accordingly.
Great point! In 2000, the Republicans didn't even have primaries
- they had pre-coronations.
Oh sure, McCain and Forbes were flies to be swatted, but everyone else in the GOP debates
wanted to talk about nothing except the greatness and genius of the ridiculously stupid pinhead
The return of the red-ass
He wants more, I give him more.
Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
Visit The Devil's Dictionary (2003 SXSW Finalist)
Subject: pretty sneaky of you!
I received a second pair of your stickers
without having made a second contribution, which shamed me
into becoming a Corona Light donor, even though I am severely under-employed in the bus(c)h economy.
I don't know what I'd do without your daily
I am aghast at what I am seeing on tv from neo-cons and 'liberals' alike. It is a travesty.
PLEASE NEVER SELL OUT!!!!
The little guy (and gal) need you and your kind desperately.
Meg in WI
Meg, I am Lucy in the Candy Factory, and the candy comes faster
than I can keep up.
If I sent you two letters, that means some donor probably was overlooked.
There are dozens of people who have written or contributed who
must be saying,
"That smug bastard never even thanked me for my donation."
Oh, ...and I won't be selling out :)
Christ, they got Dennis Hopper, they got Neil Young, they got
they got James Woods, they got f-ing Mrs Brady, Florence Herderson, for Koresh's sake.
She wants to have Ken Starr's love child more than she wants another gulp of oxygen.
When I sell out, the Democrats are truly in trouble...
And now, a word from Joe
as seen on salon.com
Watching the president emerge onto the flight
deck of the USS Lincoln, it occurred to me
that memory is the strongest antidote to propaganda. With the cooperation of the Pentagon
(and at the expense of the taxpayers), Karl Rove had arranged one of the tackiest, most
expensive campaign photo ops in history, but my recollections kept me from becoming
absorbed in the macho atmospherics, let alone the president's anticlimactic speech about Iraq.
Rather than determination and grit, what
the occasion evoked was Bush's strange Vietnam-era
stint as a pilot in the Texas Air National Guard. And although Rove no doubt intended that we
should all recall Bush's military service, he must have assumed that almost nobody would
remember the actual details -- only the "Top Gun" style.
But the details are difficult to forget,
even at such inspirational moments. The vague official
account presented in Bush's campaign autobiography -- wherein he suggests that he "kept flying"
with his Texas Guard unit until he completed his service -- is one of the more egregious
prevarications ever committed to print by a presidential candidate. Closer to the true story,
in which Bush mysteriously disappears from duty after failing to take his annual physical in 1972,
Here's how the Boston Glode described it.
Subject: Images corrupted
The last couple of days, over half the images on your site have been corrupted...as in, they don't show up.
Love, love, love your work.
Keep it up!
Keep the faith,
Thought: If I post at 1:16 PM, and you hit the site at
1:17, you might find some empty boxes
until I post the rest of the pics & links at 1:18, but corrupted? I haven't heard from anyone
else saying they saw corrupted pics, but some not-yet-posted pics I can understand.
Get back with me - we can't have what you're seeing.
I will not tolerate corruption in the BartCop admninistration.
John, ya bastard, stop carping about Clintons!
The real threat to humanity everywhere is the Bush Family Evil Empire.
Drug dealing, war whoring, election stealing,
has there ever been a more evil and dangerous family?
It's true, I'm too tough on the Clintons
- my standards are so high.
PS. Who is John?
"We should know that too much of anything,
even a good thing, may prove to be our undoing.
We need ... to set definite boundaries on our appetites."
-- Bill Bennett, lying bastard, some say college rapist, who lost 8 million to the casinoes*
proves Bush failed to get Saddam
But don't worry - he's "exhausted and confused"
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Subject: The unprecedented presidential flight
W's arrival on that aircraft carrier was
unprecedented in the long history of the office of commander in chief.
Never has an AWOL pilot been allowed to return thirty years later to finish his tour.
Halliburton cash registers ring in Iraq
Halliburton is overseeing no-bid Army projects worth nearly a half-billion dollars
that involve almost every aspect of U.S. operations in Iraq. The projects extend
well beyond a previously reported Pentagon contract the company won to put out
oil-well fires in Iraq two months ago.
Gee, how come nobody saw this coming?
If you ever bought an ad on bartcop.com
even if it was just once, many years ago,
we would like to reward you with some free, 30-second radio commercials.
If you have the ability to create MP3s, send your finished commercial
If you can't create MP3s, and would like to take advantage of this offer, our in-house voice man
will create your free ad if you send your text to firstname.lastname@example.org
If you have paid in advance for your radio commercial,
it's not too early to send your finished
commercial to email@example.com If you'd like our voice man to create one for you,
he will do this for free until the first webcast happens, which will be soon. After that, he will
produce a real-sounding ad for a nominal fee.
You are free to say most anything in your commercial, but if you
want him or Ol' Bart to voice your ad,
remember we can only speak facts. Unless your product is South's Finest Chocolate,
Bixby corn or Chinaco Anejo, we can't say "This is the best product ever."
It has to be true if we're going to say it.
After all, I'm not Paul Harvey, I'm not Laura the Screech and
I'm not the vulgar Pigboy.
My integrity is not for sale.
If you paid for some ads that have yet to run their full amount, I'm not trying to cheat you.
Send a friendly reminder to the business address, firstname.lastname@example.org with your URL
and banner and the number of ads that still need to run and I'll fix you up. I need a staff.
We need your 30-second MP3s for "bumper
E-mail them to email@example.com so we can hear them on
At last glance we had not yet found the perfect webmaster for BartCop Stocks.
We have some possibles, but none "ready to rock."
If you thought about applying, and didn't because you thought there'd be a mad crush
with hundreds of people all vying for the top positions, there's room for you.
Somebody's gotta know html, because I won't have the time.
"Dear Bart, I'm perfect for that job!"
"Dumb hire of the month: Scott Peterson's reported
decision to retain Mark Geragos,
who represented a) Susan McDougal, b) Gary Condit, and c) Winona Ryder.
Geragos went to trial in the Ryder case and his defense was ... what? I don't remember one.
The other two celebrity clients may actually have been innocent!
That's justice, not lawyering! What kind of credential is that? ..."
--Mickey Kaus, Who Jumped My Shark?
I don't know this Kaus guy, (I think he tried some shit with MWO
and got his ass handed to him,)
so I don't know if he's trying to be cute or what, but if you're in REAL trouble in California, who would
you rather represent you that Geragos? Either Kaus is unable to write what he means or he's too
stupid to make sense to begin with. Dumb hire? It's the best move Petersen had made in months.
New: PayPal now accepts credit cards
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I guess it depends on how much you want to hear Smirk getting what's coming to him.
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