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Volume 1059 - Sell out

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 Weekend   May 3-4, 2003 


"I saw President Bush on that aircraft carrier in the Pacific yesterday.
  Incidentally, that's the closest he's ever got to the War in Vietnam."
      -- Senator Fritz Hollings

"I want him killed  I can do that, you know - legally.
 The Democrats gave me that power - they really did."

 Scott Peterson Gets Mark Geragos

  Click  Here

 Mark Geragos said he had been hired by Scott Peterson's family.
 He will replace two public defenders assigned to Peterson during
 arraignment April 21, when Peterson said he couldn't afford a lawyer.

 Wow - this is a shocker.
 I only saw a few on the Laci Petersen Larry King shows, mostly because
 I like watching Mark beat up on that witch Nancy Grace from Court TV.

 One snippet I caught was the day or day after they arrested Peterson.
 Grace was screeching, "He was about to flee to Mexico - that's why he was in San Diego,"
 and Geragos smiled and very calmly said, "His parents live in San Diego."

 Then Grace screamed, "He was heading towards another country, any idot knows that,"
 and Mark replied, "He was driving north when they stopped him and arrested him. If he was
 trying to get to another country, it was Canada," and then he chuckled at her wild assumptions.

 "But Bart, do you think Petersen's guilty?"

 Sure, but what do I know?  Like you, all I know about this case is what the money-driven media
 has packaged together for our entertainment.  Larry King has been playing this like an episode of
 Columbo, where we alllllll know he's guilty - we're just waiting to see the trap snap shut on him.

 Relentless Moral Crusader Is Relentless Gambler
  Better-than-you Bill Bennett has lost millions in Las Vegas and Atlantic City
  during the past decade, but it's none of your business because he's a Republican

    "I'm a whore."

  Click  Here

 Bill Bennett, the popular GOP whore, author, lecturer and Republican Party activist speaks out, often indignantly,
 about almost every moral issue except one—gambling. The author of "The Book of Virtues" and one of the nation's most
 relentless moral crusaders, is a high-rolling gambler who has lost more than $8 million at casinos in the last decade,
 according to online reports from two magazines. According to casino documents, Bennett is a “whale” at at least four
 venues in Atlantic City and Las Vegas. His games of choice: video poker and slot machines, (Or was it slut machines?)
 some at $500 a pull.  With a revolving line of credit of at least $200,000 at each casino, Bennett, former drug czar and
 secretary of Chutzpa under Reagan and Bush, doesn’t have to bring money when he shows up at a casino.

 Back in 1998, I wrote a joke.

 What's the difference between Bill Bennett and David Koresh?

 Bill Bennett is still smoking!

 Hey, ...in 1998, I was just getting started!!  Give me a break!


"By the year 2002, we can have a federal government with a balanced budget
  or we can continue down the present path towards total fiscal catastrophe."
       -- Tom DeLay, lying again, trying to make Clinton look like a wild spender when Moron is guilty,

"I'm nuts about Dubya,"

 Saturday Night Live
  Koresh, I feel so sorry for them.

 Did you see that train wreck Saturday?
 Probably, over the decades, they've done worse shows, but I didn't see them.

 They started out with a twice-lame skit about Bush yakking off on the aircraft carrier Lincoln.
 It was terrible, and it went on forever.   There was a point, midway (no pun) thru where "Bush"
 had so many straight lines in a row, everything lined up for a giant payoff, ...but they never pulled the trigger.

 How is this possible?

 SNL has about 25 of the smartest, hippest (and funniest?) writers on the entire East Coast,
 and they can't make the first skit of the show even half-funny after several weeks off?
 Tracy needs to find a dealer with better shit.

 So guest star Ashton Kushner, whatever, from Dude, where's my car? opens the show.
 He's not wearing pants.

 I'm was doing something, maybe pouring a shot of God's Chosen Elixir, and Mrs Bart says,
 with a voice flatter than Sonny's tires on the Causeway, "...he's not wearing pants."
 I look up, and once again, Mrs Bart was telling the truth.
 Then Kushner, whatever, did a lame skit about, "I think I might be forgetting something."

 This is the best NBC and New York have to offer after a few weeks off?
 With all those millions and all that history and all those writers?
 Koresh, give me three writers for an hour and we'd do a much better show - please!

 Chevy Chase - come back!   All is forgiven!

 A lame skit here, a lame skit there, ...and then 50 Cent came out.
 (50 Cent has been the King of Music for about 90 days.)

 Now, I know less about rap music that I do most other subjects, but suddenly I'm respecting Eminem
 because he's got it all over this 50 Cents guy.      Oh, his claim to fame?      He's been shot nine times.

 Check these lyrics:

 I'm into makin' love,
 So come give me a hug,
 You find me in the tub...

 I'm sorry, *I* can rap better than that, and I've never been shot!!!
  ...but I've done some shots in my time...
 ...remember last week I said I'd be a Daily Show intern for free, ...just to learn how they did it?

 Tina, it hurts me to say this, but you should spend some time with Stewart's people.
 It ain't working, Tina.
 I wouldn't trade my future for your past and that should scare you, cause I'm 49.

 Finally, after what seems like 90 minutes, Weekend Update showed up.
 They scored as follows - each joke rated from one to five stars

 I've been a "comedian" for seven and a half years, and I'vbe never heard the audience laugh.
 Not once.
 I always wished I could get this kind of feedback, ranking every joke in an issue from 1-5 stars.
 Anybody want to help Ol' Bart grow by critiquing everey bit in some issue - from 0-5 stars?

 SNL, Weekend Update, May 3, 2003

 1. Powell joke: 1 out of four - it was awful, but it had the germ of a joke.
 2. Bush: I gave it a 3, because I don't like him.  It was probably a 2 joke.
 3. Bush joke: another 3, I don't like the son of a bitch
 4. Bush socks in pants: a 1, and I'm in a good mood
 5. NY tourists have SARS: 1
 6. SARS second joke: I gave it a 2
 7. Liza married a freak: I gave it a 0. Maybe they can't get enough of Liza in NY, but nobody else cares.
 8. Harry Potters - No More Trees : I don't get it - I don't have kids. I gave it a 1.
 9. Monica: I gave it a 4:  Not Mr Personality, it's The Masked GangBang, something like that.
10. Salt Lake: They pay people for jokes this lame? Another 0
11. Tracy Morgan ate Saddam's Birthday Cake?:  Isn't this supposed to be a comedy?  0
12. Tommy Lee's latest lay has "Had it up to here.":Could be funny, maybe in prison.
13. Dog sniffing is a bad occupation. Another 0
14. The Florida Dig:  BartCop Volume 100 was funnier than this.
15. Lies about sex:  what an original concept...
16. SARS again, this time the singing doctors: I kinda liked it because it was the last joke. 2
      Anything that could bring this SNL Weeekend Update to a close must be a good thing.

 Gees, guys, I don't even have writers, but would you like to borrow some?

  ...just trying to help.

Gee, Condi's a pilot just like Pinhead is.

 Unknown Exchange

 Q: Could you tell from the "thump," that it was a
       wooden cork popping from a bottle of Chinaco?

 A:  Music to my ears

 Bush's popularity must be keeping you awake at night.

 Right now, Bush is at 65.
 When you guys impeached out last elected president, he was at 72.

 I thought he looked real good landing on the Abe Lincoln the way he did.

 If the Democrats had any brains, (should I even finish this sentence?) they would show a still shot of Bush
 on the Lincoln with the GAO cost estimate for that little stunt, and then remind people that Bush was preventing
 these brave men for reaching their loved ones with his unelected ass posturing around like a drunk peacock.

But the Democrats are too stupid/scared/timid
to take any action against the never-elected Usurper!

 I understand that his staff didn't loot the ship's supplies the way Clinton and his staff did when they left the
 Teddy Roosevelt and the White House.  When Clinton left the Roosevelt they took all they could carry,
 the skipper even sent the White House a bill, I'm sure they skipped on it.

 We both know that enever happened, but I can see that it helps you politically to pretend that it did
 because there's no liberal media to refute the generally accepted lie that the Clinton's looted anything.

 Too bad you had to hang your hat on such a poor example.

 If you mean the Democrats, I'm with you, Dude.
 Tears come to my eyes each time I remember that I'm in a party of gutless pussies.

 See you later and good luck with your Bartcop.com
 Hawaii Rog

 For a stalker, you're kinda polite.
 Wanna be on the radio show?

 Subject: Dixie Chicks tour promoter - is Clear Channel

 ... long time reader.

 The Chicks play Tampa on Monday .... ads appearing in all the papers ... in
 the small print, the tour is being promoted by Clear Channel Entertainment.

 Are they bi-polar or what?
 Bash `em, but roll in the cash from them too.



"The Pirates who lead United States can only achieve their goals through the familiar modalities of Race War.
  The supermajority may deride French fries, but they are willing to cook Iraqis, just as they did Vietnamese.
  There is no majority for an oil or dollar war. Racism unites the majority in a Race War."
      --The Black Commentator,   Race: The Great American Mobilizer

 Subject: "No WMD, Bush Finished" - Limbaugh said it

 Dear Bartcop:

 Thank you for maintaining a vanguard of truth against the barrage of tainted media sources.
 I don't know if you may have caught it, but some time around January or February of this year
 (a little before a little after?), Rush Limbaugh said the following words on his daily radio show
 about the impending war in Iraq:

"If they don't find weapons of mass destruction, Bush is finished."

 Please check your hog watching sources and transcripts.
 I think it is a very tasty morsel.

 Moe in Miami

 Subject: bartcop.com sign at CMSU peace vigil - 5/2/03


 We held our final peace vigil on the campus of CMSU [55 vigils over a period of 11 weeks] on May 2, 2003.
 Friday was the last day of classes. The gentleman in the white cap immediately to the left of the bartcop sign
 is "Oz", a veteran of Operation Market Garden. His sign reads: "Support our troops, no more pre-emptive wars!"

 Michael Bersin

 Mike, thanks for that!

 Is Sanctimonious Liberal still reading  bartcop.com?

 Dude, drop me an e-mail...

 Subject: West Wing

 Hey Bart,

 I'm sure you'll love the spin that CNN was rolling out today about Sorkin and the West Wing.
 He's leaving, ratings are down. Why are the ratings down?
 The show's just too liberal and the public doesn't want to see that kind of thing.
 The diarrhetic horseshit just keeps pouring out of the cable media.

 Dan Leahy

 There are lots of things to hate about this new fascism that's grabbed our country.
 One of the worst is they'll take everything and then try to take even more.

 They're not happy controlling the White House, the Senate, the House, the military,
 the Treasury, the Supreme Court and the appointment of future judges - that's not enough.
 They want a lot more than that.

 They want your children's futures, too, they want all radio and TV programming to go thru Mr Rove
 and worst of all, they expect us to say, "Thank you.  May I have another?" when they're finished.

" But Bart, what's wrong with being polite?"

Marty's E! page
 The Kentucky Derby
Tim Robbins going to the Baseball Hall O'Fame
A tribute to Fred Rogers
James Brown turned 70
France had its first legal rave
30,000 white mice in Oklahoma City need a home
San Francisco hosted a 'Masturbate-a-Thon'
And, St. Gennaro's blood liquified, making most of Naples happy


 Subject: the little plane ride

 Hey, Bart,

 Think Bush's little plane ride will qualify as his having completed his National Guard duties?
 Then we'd have to stop saying he was AWOL?

 Just wonderin'


 By the way, Ari the Forked Tongue lied his ass off for the 1,000th time on this stupid stunt.
 He said Bush HAD to take a plane instead of a chopper because of "the hours" it would take
 to reach the Lincoln by chopper which was waaaaay out to sea.

 Lying bastard!

 It was 39 miles out, and they had to position the ship to hide the San Diego coastline.

 They lie so blatantly, again and again and again, and nobody, not the Democrats, not the press,
 ever calls them on ANY of their lies, no matter who dies, no matter who's arrested or invaded.

 All Bush ever did was rape the child bride and the press gives him an eternal honeymoon.

 All the Marbles
   by the Daily Brew

  Click  Here

 ... a Democratic candidate who refuses to attack his rivals on the stage Saturday should be
 correctly viewed as an aspirant who is willing to put the good of his party (and his country)
 ahead of his personal ambition. Democratic partisans watching the debate should also conclude
 that any candidate who does the opposite is simply feeding the GOP attack machine, and
 should adjust their support accordingly.

 Great point!  In 2000, the Republicans didn't even have primaries - they had pre-coronations.
 Oh sure, McCain and Forbes were flies to be swatted, but everyone else in the GOP debates
 wanted to talk about nothing except the greatness and genius of the ridiculously stupid pinhead

 The return of the red-ass

 Click  Here

 He wants more, I give him more.

   PIRACY, n.
   Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
         --Ambrose Bierce

   Visit  The Devil's Dictionary   (2003 SXSW Finalist)

 Subject: pretty sneaky of you!

 Hey Bart,

 I received a second pair of your stickers without having made a second contribution, which shamed me
 into becoming a Corona Light donor, even though I am severely under-employed in the bus(c)h economy.

 I don't know what I'd do without your daily insights.
 I am aghast at what I am seeing on tv from neo-cons and 'liberals' alike. It is a travesty.

 The little guy (and gal) need you and your kind desperately.

 Meg in WI

 Meg, I am Lucy in the Candy Factory, and the candy comes faster than I can keep up.
 If I sent you two letters, that means some donor probably was overlooked.

 There are dozens of people who have written or contributed who must be saying,
"That smug bastard never even thanked me for my donation."

 Oh, ...and I won't be selling out :)

 Christ, they got Dennis Hopper, they got Neil Young, they got Dennis Miller,
 they got James Woods, they got f-ing Mrs Brady, Florence Herderson, for Koresh's sake.
 She wants to have Ken Starr's love child more than she wants another gulp of oxygen.

 ha ha

 When I sell out, the Democrats are truly in trouble...


 And now, a word from Joe Conason's Journal
  as seen on salon.com

 Watching the president emerge onto the flight deck of the USS Lincoln, it occurred to me
 that memory is the strongest antidote to propaganda. With the cooperation of the Pentagon
 (and at the expense of the taxpayers), Karl Rove had arranged one of the tackiest, most
 expensive campaign photo ops in history, but my recollections kept me from becoming
 absorbed in the macho atmospherics, let alone the president's anticlimactic speech about Iraq.

 Rather than determination and grit, what the occasion evoked was Bush's strange Vietnam-era
 stint as a pilot in the Texas Air National Guard. And although Rove no doubt intended that we
 should all recall Bush's military service, he must have assumed that almost nobody would
 remember the actual details -- only the "Top Gun" style.

 But the details are difficult to forget, even at such inspirational moments. The vague official
 account presented in Bush's campaign autobiography -- wherein he suggests that he "kept flying"
 with his Texas Guard unit until he completed his service -- is one of the more egregious
 prevarications ever committed to print by a presidential candidate. Closer to the true story,
 in which Bush mysteriously disappears  from duty after failing to take his annual physical in 1972,

 Here's how the Boston Glode described it.

 Subject: Images corrupted

 Hey, Bart:
 The last couple of days, over half the images on your site have been corrupted...as in, they don't show up.
 What gives?

 Love, love, love your work.
 Keep it up!

 Keep the faith,

 Thought: If I post at 1:16 PM, and you hit the site at 1:17, you might find some empty boxes
 until I post the rest of the pics & links at 1:18, but corrupted?   I haven't heard from anyone
 else saying they saw corrupted pics, but some not-yet-posted pics I can understand.

 Get back with me - we can't have what you're seeing.
 I will not tolerate corruption in the BartCop admninistration.

 How NBC (read: GE) pressures it's news department to praise Bush
  and retracts anything that proves he's misleading the public about why we went to war.

  Click  Here


 Subject: B.F.E.E.

 John, ya bastard, stop carping about Clintons!
 The real threat to humanity everywhere is the Bush Family Evil Empire.

 Drug dealing, war whoring, election stealing, has there ever been a more evil and dangerous family?


 It's true, I'm too tough on the Clintons - my standards are so high.
 PS. Who is John?


"We should know that too much of anything, even a good thing, may prove to be our undoing.
  We need ... to set definite boundaries on our appetites."
      -- Bill Bennett, lying bastard, some say college rapist, who lost 8 million to the casinoes*

 Tape proves Bush failed to get Saddam
  But don't worry - he's "exhausted and confused"

  Click  Here

Please visit our sponsors.

 Subject: The unprecedented presidential flight


 W's arrival on that aircraft carrier was unprecedented in the long history of the office of commander in chief.
 Never has an AWOL pilot been allowed to return thirty years later to finish his tour.


 Halliburton cash registers ring in Iraq

  Click  Here

 Halliburton is overseeing no-bid Army projects worth nearly a half-billion dollars
 that involve almost every aspect of U.S. operations in Iraq. The projects extend
 well beyond a previously reported Pentagon contract the company won to put out
 oil-well fires in Iraq two months ago.

 Gee, how come nobody saw this coming?

 Free Radio Ads

 If you ever bought an ad on  bartcop.com  even if it was just once, many years ago,
 we would like to reward you with some free, 30-second radio commercials.

 If you have the ability to create MP3s, send your finished commercial to  bartcop@bartcop.com.
 If you can't create MP3s, and would like to take advantage of this offer, our in-house voice man
 will create your free ad if you send your text to  wiseguyusa@yahoo.com

 If you have paid in advance for your radio commercial, it's not too early to send your finished
 commercial to bartcop@bartcop.com   If you'd like our voice man to create one for you,
 he will do this for free until the first webcast happens, which will be soon. After that, he will
 produce a real-sounding ad for a nominal fee.

 You are free to say most anything in your commercial, but if you want him or Ol' Bart to voice your ad,
 remember we can only speak facts.  Unless your product is South's Finest Chocolate,
 Bixby corn or Chinaco Anejo, we can't say "This is the best product ever."
 It has to be true if we're going to say it.

 After all, I'm not Paul Harvey, I'm not Laura the Screech and I'm not the vulgar Pigboy.
 My integrity is not for sale.

 If you paid for some ads that have yet to run their full amount, I'm not trying to cheat you.
 Send a friendly reminder to the business address,  bc_biz@yahoo.com  with your URL
 and banner and the number of ads that still need to run and I'll fix you up.  I need a staff.


 We need your 30-second MP3s for "bumper music."
 E-mail them to bartcop@bartcop.com   so we can hear them on 

 At last glance we had not yet found the perfect webmaster for BartCop Stocks.

 We have some possibles, but none "ready to rock."
 If you thought about applying, and didn't because you thought there'd be a mad crush
 with hundreds of people all vying for the top positions, there's room for you.

 Somebody's gotta know html, because I won't have the time.

 "Dear Bart, I'm perfect for that job!"



"Dumb hire of the month: Scott Peterson's reported decision to retain Mark Geragos,
  who represented a) Susan McDougal, b) Gary Condit, and c) Winona Ryder.
  Geragos went to trial in the Ryder case and his defense was ... what? I don't remember one.
  The other two celebrity clients may actually have been innocent!
  That's justice, not lawyering! What kind of credential is that? ..."
      --Mickey Kaus,  Who Jumped My Shark?

 I don't know this Kaus guy, (I think he tried some shit with MWO and got his ass handed to him,)
 so I don't know if he's trying to be cute or what, but if you're in REAL trouble in California, who would
 you rather represent you that Geragos?  Either Kaus is unable to write what he means or he's too
 stupid to make sense to begin with.  Dumb hire?  It's the best move Petersen had made in months.

New:  PayPal now accepts credit cards

  Is  worth $10 a month?

  I guess it depends on how much you want to hear Smirk getting what's coming to him.

  Click  Here   to get in on the fun.


 Once we start streaming, the download will take only seconds.

 Reminder:  These can only get better. You have heard everything I've ever done with a mic, which still
                              is less than one hour total.  So remember my virgin status and watch things get better as we go.

 By the way - I'm getting, like zero feedback on these recordings. Is anybody hearing them?

 Call  918-493-1500 - you have two minutes to rant away.

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 Tell us about it!     918-493-1500

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 Copyright © 2003, bartcop.com


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 That would be cool.

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