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Volume 1063 - G.I. George

Please visit our sponsors

 Thursday-Friday   May 8-9, 2003 


"After Watching our president speak aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, I was wondering
  if there has been any news to as when Bush will officially christen the ship the USS Showboat?"
       --Betsy Warner, Crossfire e-mail,

"...or the USS AWOL, since he didn't show up for a good bit of his National Guard duty."
       --Paul Begala

"Have Begala shot - hell, have them both shot, and then tortured.
  It's illegal to diss the flag."

 Georgia Governor Approves New Flag, Urges Calm
  Isn't that the funniest headline?

  Click  Here

 Backing away from a promise to allow voters the chance to resurrect a flag linked to slavery and segregation,
 Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue on Thursday approved a compromise banner for the southern state

 The new flag's appearance prompted shouts of 'Sellout' and 'Stalin' from a small group of white Republicans
 who were disappointed that there isn't more slavery in their state flag.

 So, a bunch of Peach monkeys are suffering slavery withdrawal?
 What year is this?

"What bothers me is to have someone like Bennett going around scolding everybody
  about every other potential vice and things that he doesn’t like but gambling is OK
  because he likes to do it...go and read his books about the moral outrage and the virtue
   of self-discipline and all the rest of it. It just-it looks silly now."
      --Joe Conason, giving Chris the Screamer fits Monday

 Damn, I wish I'd known he was going to be on...

 Subject: Nancy Grace

 Tunis sent this, a link to the Nancy Grace bio on the Court TV site

 Nancy Grace joined Courtroom Television Network LLC from Atlanta's Fulton County
 District Attorney's Office where she served as Special Prosecutor of major felony cases
 involving serial murder, serial rape, serial child molestation and arson. Ms. Grace compiled
 a perfect record of nearly 100 felony convictions at trial and no losses.

 Do you believe that?  I damn sure don't.
 Did she write this "biography" herself?

 Nearly 100 trials without one loss?
 She convinced 1200 people in a row that their defendant was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt?
 Not one person in 1200 had even the slightest doubt?

 I say that's not possible, unless she was somehow cherry-picking her cases.
 Out of 1200 people, not one person thought a defendant might be innocent?

 Either someone is lying. or they have "funny justice" in Atlanta


"...they’ve taken the intelligence on weapons and expanded it beyond what was justified. It appeared that
 they (the hawks) understood that to get the American people on their side they needed to come up with
 something more to say than ‘We’ve liberated Iraq and got rid of a tyrant.’ So they had to find some ties
 to WMD and were willing to allow a majority of Americans to incorrectly conclude that the invasion of Iraq
 had something to do with the World Trade Center. Overemphasizing the national-security threat made it
 more difficult to get the rest of the world on our side. It was the weakest and most misleading argument
 we could use.It appears that they have the intelligence. The problem is, they didn’t like the conclusions.”
       --Former Senator Bob Kerrey, a Democrat who stabbed his president in the back

 We broke the code!

 My ne'er do well friend, whom I can often outwit,
 showed me this killer shortcut that makes download time instant.

 ha ha

 This is as big a leap as inventing Star Trek's transporter.
 It's a damn wormhole, that let's you hear long-ass MP3s instantly.
 It's magic!

 This way, you Mac users can hear the early, primitive, practice shows, too.

 Maybe I can have the next batch of phone calls ready for the weekend edition.

 Woo Hoo!
 Instant streaming has come to

 Dear friend,

 On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission is planning on authorizing sweeping changes
 to the American news media. The rules change could allow your local TV stations, newspaper,
 radio stations, and cable provider to all be owned by one company.  NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox
 could have the same corporate parent. The resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply
 destructive to our democracy. Congress is supposed to guard against monopoly power.

 But the upcoming rule change could change the landscape for all media and usher in an era in which
 a few corporations control your access to news and entertainment. Please join me in asking Congress
 and the FCC to support a diverse, competitive media landscape by going to:

 You can also automatically have your comments publicly filed at the FCC. When the folks at
 talk to Congresspeople about this issue, the response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists
 on this. It seems like my constituents aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could
 permanently change that perception. Please join this critical campaign, and let Congress know you care.

 Patriotic Crap Sale
 If you don't own this stuff, you're probably a terrorist

  Click  Here


Tampax™ Tampons of Glory
 Let freedom flow with these specially-designed American Flag tampons.
 They're great for those times where protection is a must:  baking apple pies,
 leading church activities, or walking down the beach at sunset with your
 daughter having one of "those talks".  It's the most all-American thing any
 woman could ever use...period! - $49.95 (box of 12)

 Political Parties: Can You Hear Me Now?
   by my good friend Johnny Angel

  Click  Here

 It was somewhat like a Roosevelt “fireside chat,” except that in the old days, one didn’t have
 to sit on hold through wretched Muzak. When JFK2 eventually came on, the entire kitchen hung
 on the senator’s words carefully. As well they had to — unlike George W. Bush, Kerry spoke in
 unhalting, precise terms on virtually every major issue without a single pause. It was impressive,
 aimed-at-the-base stuff — no anti-choice judicial appointments, strong statements about renewable
 fuels nor even the Reaganesque “are you better off today than you were [insert the applicable duration]?”


"The President has asked me if I would serve again as his running mate.
   I've agreed to do that. If the President is willing and if my wife approves,
   and if the doctors say it's okay, then I'd be happy to serve a second term."  -
      - Dick Cheney confirming that the long term forecast calls for five more years
         of the raping and pillaging of the US Treasury

 I find it amusing that US national security adviser Condoleezza Rice disparaged France for taking
 NATO "hostage" over Iraq and for threatening smaller countries with reprisals if they backed
 Washington's war to oust Saddam Hussein.

 What guile! Especially after America took the United Nations "hostage" and has openly threatened
 reprisals against France and Germany for not backing Washington's war.

 It seems that there's a pattern to confuse people about the truth here. The idea is to accuse the other side
 of what you just did so that people are confused as to who did what. The Bush administration should write
 a book about advanced techniques in lying and dishonesty.

 Meanwhile, I'm jealous of the Iraqis.
 I wish someone would liberate the United States of America from its unelected dictator.

 Marc Perkel

Please visit our sponsors

 Chris the Screamer vs. Max Black
  In this contest, bet on Black

  Click  Here

 And a moment later, when Olbermann tried to return to the idea of this event as a staged, meaningless
 PR rally, you became nothing less than a cheerleader for the Bush Administration: "We’re proud of our
 president. Americans love having a guy as president, a guy who has a little swagger, who’s physical,
 who’s not a complicated guy like Clinton or even like Dukakis or Mondale, all those guys, McGovern.
 They want a guy who’s president. Women like a guy who’s president. Check it out. The women like
 this war."

 My Christ, Chris, this could have been written word for word by Karl Rove or Karen Hughes.   Was it?
 Are you accepting money from the Bush administration to shill for him on MSNBC?  If you  aren't, you should be.
 What a bunch of testosterone-soaked drivel -- and like your boss's, the testosterone is fake.  Let me also point out
 that unlike GW the Coward, George McGovern, a classic "limp-wristed liberal," is a legitimate Air Force hero,
 flying mission after mission during WWII.  McGovern is a real hero.  George W. Bush is a real coward.
 A real deserter.  A real traitor.

 Subject: Your radio show

 I'm flattered.  Being called a "monkey" on Bartcop is a rare honor!
 I feel like a patriot today. well you should

 Don't get your hopes up too high on a liberal radio show.
 Mario Cuomo (the "Sfacime") and Lynn Samuels both failed in the New York market.
 If a liberal radio show can't make it in New York City, where would it go?
 To the "red states"?  Lotsa luck, pal!

 I never heard either of those shows, so I can't say.
 But I'll bet neither had a tequila treehouse, am I right?
 I've said for years that liberals bore me to death.
Who wants to hear about civil rights for blacks and gays and helping the poor when Rush is screaming
 "Murderer!"at Hillary, or calling Chelsea "the White House dog?" That's entertainment, and we'll
 be using Rush's tactics against him every show.  I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

 Somehow, I think the market for left-wing drivel has gotten pretty thin, but we'll see.
 What markets will you be polluting?


 My pollution will be worldwide, thank you. I want our friends in France to hear what the mafority of
 American think about that illegal thug who stole his way into power with the help of his daddy's crooked friends.
 We have readers in Hong Kong, Australia, China and I even got some streaming tech advice yesterday from
 such far away places as and India.  None of that "broadcasting in a small town stuff" going on here.

 Better get your subscription while it's cheap, Vince.

Marty's E! page
 A 'Disinfotainment Today' bonus
Eminem & Weird Al
A tribute to Lonnie Donegan
Rosie O'Donnell lost her yellow
Yao Ming is hosting a telethon for SARS this weekend
A gown made of Godiva chocolate
Paula Zahn, Faux & a lawsuit
Gerard Depardieu crashed another motorcycle
And, need a face mask, use a bra



"I know Sen. Robert Byrd is an institution. But right about now, I think he should be put in one
  -- as much for his hypocrisy as his gall. The West Virginia senator has the right to criticize
  anyone he wants. If he thinks the president was grandstanding with that speech to the troops
  and the nation onboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, that's his right. But here's what isn't:
  Not saying boo when Bill Clinton did the same thing on Bosnia.
     -- Neil Cavuto, one of those FOX Nazis

 Hey butthole, stop lying!
 Byrd didn't criticize Bush "for talking to the troops."
 Why are you lying about that?
 Are you lying because the truth isn't at all outrageous?

 Byrd criticized that overgrown child for playing pilot just to get film for his 2004 campaign.
 The selfish bastard caused those men to get home late, and he lied his ass off about the reasons.
 "I had to fly because the big boat was weaaaaay out to sea."

 And Clinton did NOT dress up like a retarded pilot to impress the Chris the Screamers back home.
 What the fuck is wrong with you that you'd make up a lie that big and obvious?
 We're going to make room for you on the BartCop Radio show, Neil.

 Maybe Senator Byrd can think of a better, more somber forum to talk to our troops.
 But I think the deck of an aircraft carrier loaded with men and women who've been on assignment
 longer than any other is a pretty good one. I didn't mind it and I don't think those very grateful
 sailors did either. Anyone is free to criticize anyone else in this country. But be careful."
   --Neil Cavuto

 We will not be careful when we criticize the unelected fraud.
 Those men were ordered to cheer the Fraud, but they might have, anyway.
 When was the last time (or has he ever?) Bush gave a speech before
 people that weren't hand-picked by the White House?

 Music Update

 Saturday, May 10th at Steamboat in Austin

     A Democrat fights back
     Fiction,    by Mike Palecek

  Joe Coffee tells his wife that he’s thinking about running for Congress.
"Coffee Joe" speaks out against prisons and the military and no one takes him seriously  - at first.
 Soon, terrified establishment politicians try to stop him.

 In an era of war and a dying economy, Joe Coffee’s Revolution
 provides a refreshing alternative perspective.

  Click  Here  to order your copy today.

 [Palecek is a former federal prisoner, reporter, and current  reader.]

 Also by Mike Palecek:   Click  Here

 Happy Birthday to Faun Otter

 He's very old.

 Bill Bennett
  8:5 says he gets away with it

  Click  Here

 It’s worth noting that for all his morality, kids’ academic performance during his tenure as Secretary
 of Education did not improve, and drug use in America did not drop while he was drug czar.  But he
 used both to throw his dismal wet blanket of trite sermons at us non-stop.  The Christian right lapped it up.

 But the man remained a pretentious prig who didn’t mind taking Nixonian cheap shots and dressing them up
 in holier-than-thou prose.  For example, after the Wellstone funeral, he wrote “A Party of Corruption? The
 Democrats bring the sacred low.”  After several minutes of explaining how he was morally superior because
 he didn’t become a Republican until 1986 because of Nixon, he went on to condemn the whole party as
“extreme and shameless.”  Why?  Because he felt the memorial service for Wellstone was too much like a
 political rally.  Apparently when supporters are memorializing a man who lived, breathed and died for politics,
 they shouldn’t talk about his politics.

 I had my beard trimmed by a professional.
 They say I look like Tim's assistant on Tool Time.

 Reminder:  hits are up 300 percent from a year ago
 and  advertising rates have been cut in half.

 What a country!

 Not only that, but radio ads start at $11 for 30-second, $21 for a minute.
 Great packages available, too, but only for a limited time.

 Announcement coming soon.


 Last week, we offered free, absoluetly free radio commercials to anyone that
 had ever advertised anything, even years ago, on

 Not  one  person wrote to take advantage of the free publicity for their business.
 I mean, after spending $80 to have their product/company advertised, why would
 anyone turn down absolutely free publicity on the sure-to-be-heard by dozens
 BartCop Radio - and then the reason hit me.

 It required clicking on a link.

 We Democrats are often stumped by complex proceedures
 We haven't quite figured that one out yet.
 I will attempt to make things simpler in the future.


 I'm still loving the tequila, Chinaco is hard to find in Michigan.
 I've learned to check out liquor stors in Republican areas...
 They don't know about God's Nectar because they don't read your site!
 Besides, they don't deserve to drink it.

 Keep hammering,

Paid for by a  reader

Tiger decides not to fire caddie Williams
  Mr Perfect blames caddie for BartCop Hex

  Click  Here

 Tiger Woods blamed his caddie for persuading him to use a driver on the
 third hole of the final round of the Masters, where a double bogey derailed
 his chances of winning.

 That doesn't mean Steve Williams is out of a job.
"Contrary to some reports, Stevie and I are getting along fine,'' said Mr Perfect.

 No, Tiger never had a chance of winning the Masters.
 He's got the BartCop Hex on his back and it's not leaving.

          I was once a decent golfer.

 Let's get this out of the way.

 Click  Here  to read today's 

 I know you can do it.

 I think we'll announce our new Stock chief Monday at the latest.


 I've made a decision - and it's a big one.
 Remember Issue 386  from Jan 19, 2001?

 Somewhere in the back issues I told the story of the Classic Star Trek episode where Spock led an away team
 in a tiny shuttle to a planet inhabited by giant cavemen Republicans.  To survive, they had to launch away from
 the planet, even tho they were very low on fuel.  Once they achieved almost-orbit, they tried to reach the Enterprize
 but they were too far away to reach them with an audio sub-space whatever the scriptwriters settled on.

 As they started to descend back into hell, Spock suddenly jettisoned all their fuel and set it afire at the same time.
 At first, they thought Spock had lost his mind, but then they realized that he was using all available resources to
 accomplish his mission. Spock spent every asset they had on a long shot that apparently didn't work. They resigned
 themselves to knowing death was coming, but they were grateful that Spock's gamble had given them their best shot.

 That's what we did on Jan 19, 2001, and that's what we're gambling with again today. We sent every bit
 of cash we had in an attempt to break into the big leagues.  They repaid us by having their writer Jennifer Liberto
 stab us in the back - six times.  I dislike traitors more than I dislike Republicans.

 My name's Jennifer Liberto and I'll do anything for a story,

 But even with stabbing us in the back, for no damn reason, we survived.
 But now it's time for Gamble II.

 I'm not happy with the delay of the premier of   and neither are you.
 So we are preparing to expel all our fuel and light it, in an attempt to attract attention.  We have hired

 to circumnavigate the dozens of technical obstacles. That should solve half our troubles.

 And we are using some Southwest Airlines frequent flyers miles to fly in to Tulsa the very capable Tommy Mack,
 all the way from his recording studio in Los Angeles. He's going to turn the right knobs and switches to make the
 show sound good. Notice how hollow and tinny my voice sounds on those radio calls? Tommy Mack can make
 those problems go away. He lands Wednesday, so it would be nice to debut our first webcast in 10 days.

 This whole   thing is going to work.

 The delay is my fault - I tried to nickle-and-dime the Tequila Treehouse Radio Show onto the internet,
 and maybe it could still work doing it that way, but I can't wait till f-ing Christmas to start webcasting.
 This needs to happen right now because I can't afford any more delays.

 It's hard for me to guarantee anything, because all I have is a smart mouth and the truth.  I'm having to
 depend on other people to make things happen, and they're trying, but nobody is as motivated as me.

 But... I feel certain that we will have before the end of this month.
 If there's a God, (qualifier) we could be webcasting in ten days.

 Clinton voice - "I've never worked harder on anything in my whole life.
 I'm focused like a laser beam to make   happen."

 ...and it's not to early to get in for the bargain price of $5, because once we sign the contracts,
 the lowest tier may have to go to $6.50 to accomodate my silent and non-voting "partners."

  Is  worth $10 a month?

 ...and don't forget Mother's Day.
  Mome needs a subscription to   ...or. ...maybe don't you love your mother?

  Click  Here   to get in on the fun.
 PayPal now accepts credit cards


 And remember, we have conquered the time barrier. I ran a test last night, during the tornados*
 and Wednesday's phone rants started playing one second after I clicked on it. I will work on the
 latest batch of phone calls and get them up as soon as possible.

 Call  918-493-1500 - you have two minutes to rant away.

 Did anything make you mad today?

Tell us about it!     918-493-1500

Fake president,
thinks he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail

 You MP3 rangers out there?

 Thanks for the TONS of soundclips.  My hard drive is filing up.
 I'm sure we have 2-3 hundred MP3s, and 40-50 CDRs that I haven't been heard yet.

 So, for right now, we're doing OK on the bumper music, but can I ask another favor?

 I don't know what they're called, (I'm not yet a rookie) but I need some transition snippets, the ones that say,
"Bart will be right back to open another can of whoop ass of some helpless ditto-monkey," or
"He has a hammer and he's not afraid to use it - Bart will be back after this,"  or
"I pity the fool who brings up 'Somalia' when Bart's in the house," ...stuff like that.

 I got a great one from Mike Parker, but we're going to be doing a lot of shows
 and even great clips will get old quick, so I need fresh voices and fresh smart-ass-isms.

 Send your batches of snappy whatever-those-are-called to 
 Can you help an old altar boy out?
 I can't do this radio show without lots of help.

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                                    Conason        ....      MCMiller           McDougal       Conason/Lyons       Huffington  ....      Palast                  Lyons  

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had  everything.

 Copyright © 2003,


 Maybe someday Shirley will call to say "Hi!" on the Bart-Phone at 918-493-1500
 That would be cool.

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