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 Tuesday  May 2, 2006   Volume 1756 - Colbert Rocks

Quote of the Day

"One can't doubt that tha American
  objective in Iraq has failed."
     -- William F. Buckley, founder of the modern 
          conservative movement  Rolling Stone, May 4

In Today's Tequila Treehouse...
A Reverse 1,000 Days 
Showtime is Snowtime
The Imperial Bastard
Colbert Rattles Monkey 
Snowbound Bastards 
Media Bastards Flinch 
Please, Not Again 
No Gouging Here 
Halle Berry to Adopt? 


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Deployed and blogging - that's fauxnewschannel.com


"Talking to Jesse Jackson is like boxing a glacier...Enjoy that metaphor,
  because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is."
       -- Stephen Colbert, slapping Der Monkey around,  Link


A Reverse Thousand Days
  by Robert Parry  as seen on  consortiumnews.com


One thousand days, as a measure for a President's accomplishments, were enshrined by the length of
John F. Kennedy's time in office cut short by assassination. But now it could be an organizing principle
for undoing George W. Bush's troubling legacy - what might be called "a reverse thousand days."

With Bush's second term having about as many days left as Kennedy's presidency lasted in total, the challenge
to the American people is how to use that time to restore U.S. traditions in a variety of key areas. These include:
limits on Executive power; protection of constitutional freedoms; pragmatic policies based on science, not ideology
or religion; avoidance of "entangling" foreign conflicts when military objectives are unclear.

In five-plus years in office, Bush has pushed radical approaches in each of these areas - asserting "plenary," or
unlimited, powers as Commander in Chief; abrogating legal and constitutional rights of citizens; disdaining the
"reality-based community"; and ordering "preemptive" strikes in an indefinite conflict against vague notions, "terror" and "evil."

Note: Consortiumnews.com  is the most important site in the Internet


Showtime is Snowtime
 by Ari, the lying Nazi


Gone are the days when this daily session was a serious affair, with mostly serious questions asked
and mostly serious answers given. Instead, the public is now treated to a spectacle in which the media
do their best to pressure the White House, regardless of which party is in power, into admitting that
much of what the president is doing is wrong, and the White House pushes back. The two sides talk
past each other, and the viewing public gets to watch a good fight.

There's no pressure on the White House.
If there was, they'd consider telling the truth some of the time.

Scottie the Underbear answers every question with, "I've already answered that" or "No comment,"
or "You'd have to ask somebody else about that, cause I dunno," or "Please Jeff, not so hard."

Remember, they spent $100M on Clinton's cock and $12M investigating 9-11.
That proves how much "pressure" is on the White House, you lying sack of shit.


The Imperial Bastard


The Bush administration has pushed hard for limitless powers to spy on, imprison and
torture American citizens in the name of 'security.' Is this really what America stands for?

A Texan wrote a four-sentence letter to the editor of our local daily that astonished me:
"I want the government to please, please listen in on my phone calls. I have nothing to hide.
It is also welcome to check my emails and give me a national identification card, which I will be proud
to show when asked by people in authority. What's with all you people who need so much privacy?"

Well, gee where to start? How about with the founding founders?


Pigboy turned himself in Friday at 4 PM, knowing that
Bush would have a couple of fresh scandals before the
lazy press bastards got back to work on Monday.

Snowbound Bastards


During the tenure of Ari Fleischer the spirit of collegiality between the press secretary and the press slowly
diminished and during McClellan's tour of duty, it vanished altogether. That was hardly McClellan's fault.
As front man for the most secretive and duplicitous political organization this side of the Kremlin, he had no recourse.
Just as General Myers was required to swear to all of Rumsfeld's lies, it was McClellan's lot to bear false witness to
Cheney's and Bush's fabrications. It will be interesting to see how Snow goes about closing the breech of confidence
which is more like a chasm between press and press secretary, or if he will even try.

How long will Tony the Whore last?
He took the job on the condition that he was to be "in the loop" on major decisions.

Christ, Tony, they didn't even let Sec of State Powell in the loop and he had to know.
What makes you think they'll share their crime plans with you?


Subject: ...just askin'

How's the health man?
Hope you are doing OK.


At the moment, I'm on Day 17 of the Mother of all Sore Throats.
It figures, now that the studio is working again, I can hardly speak.

I'm going to do a radio show tomorrow that might not have much Bart in it,
just to let you know we're still in the radio business.

On bigger issues, there hasn't been much of a change, so that's great news.
I've decided I'm going to live forever.



"I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least.
  And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq." ."
       -- Stephen Colbert, slapping Der Monkey around,  Link


Subject: ...just braggin'

Yes, I am the mags who writes some stuff here,


The South's Finest chocolate was great.

Mags, you have good taste.

I haven't told my South's Finest Chocolate story lately, so here goes...

Say you win one of the fabulous SFC contests on  bartcop.com
A week later, you get home and see a package that says, "Protect from Heat."

You tear it open, you break the smoother-than-Halle chocolate chunk off,
and then you put it in your mouth, mindful that Ol' Bart said it is, "THE best chocolate ever."

You hold it in your mouth for a second...then, ...you sense it starting to melt,
so you bite into it, mindful that Ol' Bart said it is, "THE best chocolate ever."

As you chew/bite/roll your tongue around it - yeah, it's good milk chocolate all right...
Nothing special, it's just good milk chocolate...
Then you chew it to the finish and swallow, thinking, "Yeah, that was OK...."

ha ha

Then about ten seconds later, the aftertaste kicks in.

ha ha

The aftertaste is so good, you say, "Damn," and stand up.
The aftertaste is so fine, this chocolate should come with a warning.

If all goes as planned (how often does that happen?) there's another Chocolate Quiz Friday.


Get your two minutes on BartCop Radio

Bush lovers welcome to call
Spankings are free


Media Bastards Flinch


The White House Correspondents' Association Dinner was televised on C-Span Saturday evening.
Featured entertainer Stephen Colbert delivered a biting rebuke of George W. Bush and the lily-livered press corps.
He did it right to Bush's ugly, monkey face, unflinching and unbowed by the audience's muted, humorless response.
Colbert showed the gutless whores how it's done - and he's not even in the business.

It may have been the first time that anyone has been this blunt with this bastard President. By the end of Colbert's routine,
Bush was visibly uncomfortable. Colbert ended with a video featuring Helen Thomas repeatedly asking why we invaded Iraq.

That is a question President Bush has yet to answer.



Subject: Colbert tortures with Der Monkey

I didn't see anything about it on yesterday's page.

On the remotest, most off-chance I'm the only one who sent you a link,
here's a good one with links to the entire must-see video performance:


T the P

Dude, I did not see that, but Mrs Bart tells me it's killer.
(I hate when she sees political stuff before me.)
She tells me Colbert talked about Bush like always, like he wasn't there.
Monday night, Jon said, "I've never been more proud" of the 'Bertster.

I'll watch it now - thanks, Dude.

Tick Tock

OK, I watched it - ha ha

The only way it could've been worse, is if they'd asked Ol' Bart to speak.
Colbert rubbed their noses in everything, almost to the point of, "Please, stop."
Christ, no wonder Stewie said he was proud.
It was five years of mega-vitriol smashed into Bush's ugly monkey face.

Click on the link


It's great and it's free.



Colbert Rattles Monkey
 Did he go to far?  ha ha


Stephen Colbert's biting routine at the White House Correspondents Association dinner won a rare
silent protest from Bush aides and supporters Saturday when several independently left before he finished.

"Colbert crossed the line," said one top Bush aide, who rushed out of the hotel as soon as Colbert finished.
Another said that the president was visibly angered by the sharp lines that kept coming.

"I've been there before, and I can see that he is pissed," said a former top aide.
"He's got that look that he's ready to blow."

It goes without saying that Bush blew before Colbert opened his mouth.


Subject: Mexico and drugs

Bart, about drugs and Mexico.  The United States and its "WAR" on drugs is one of the main reasons
why Mexico cannot now advance more quickly with its democracy and economy.

Our war on drugs here in the States has re-created Al Capone and the gangsterism of Prohibition
to a degree in Mexico that you cannot even begin to imagine unless you have been there.

Right now, Mexico and its people are longing, hoping, and dreaming for a better life.  But the profits available
in the drug trade (selling drugs to us) are astronomical compared to what the average person can earn in Mexico.
So, when young men and woman are faced with simple questions, like how am I going to eat today?, or how am
I going to feed my children?, they often give in to the money that can be made in the drug trade.

And, for what?  To keep the "drug war" going here in the United States?
The people of Mexico have realized something simple.
They cannot keep locking-up habitual users for possession of small amounts of drugs.

The sooner the "Christians" in this country realize this, the better our hemisphere will be.
But, I am afraid that the religiously insane "Christians" want their drug war,
because it is one more thing that gives them police power.
 Bob in San Diego

Bob, I agree.
What we need is for politicians to stop lying to themselves.


Osama played Bush like a kazoo

No Evidence of Price Gouging
 Team Bush says oil profits are proper and wonderful


The Bush administration sees no direct evidence of profiteering by big U.S. oil companies and
is doing all it can to tame near-record prices, Energy Secretary Sam Bodman said on Sunday.

With average U.S. gasoline pump prices near $3 a gallon and politicians clamoring to rein in
record oil industry profits, Bush is trying to stave off a potential election-year problem for
Republicans eager to hang on to control of the U.S. Congress.

He says "potential" election year problems because the Democrats will likely be afraid
to use the isssue between now and November because Karl Rove wouldn't like it if they did.
Seriously, they need Ol' Bart on the campaign team.

      "Bart, stop picking on Karl Rove!  He's our friend!"

One of the best reasons to have Wes Clark on the ticket?
In 2004, Clark said, "If Karl Rove wants a piece of me, he knows where he can find me."

You won't hear talk like that coming from these gutless, pink-tutu-wearing, bean-eating nancy boys.


The net's best advertising deal

 advertise on  bartcop.com

Bush in 'ceaseless push for power'
 Finally, people are seeing what we've seen for years


President George W. Bush had shown disdain and indifference for the US constitution by adopting
an "astonishingly broad" view of presidential powers, a leading libertarian think-tank said on Monday.

The critique from the Cato Institute reflects growing criticism by conservatives about administration
policy in areas such as the "war on terror" and undermining congressional power.

"The pattern that emerges is one of a ceaseless push for power, unchecked by either the courts or
Congress, one in short of disdain for constitutional limits," the report by legal scholars concludes.

That view was echoed last week by former congressman Bob Barr, (R-Passing for White), who called on
Congress to exercise "leadership by putting the constitution above party politics and insisting on the facts"
in the debate over illegal domestic wiretapping of terrorist suspects.

Thursday Arlen Specter noted: "Institutionally, the presidency is walking all over Congress."

Thanks Koresh the Republicans are going to save us from Bush.

We couldn't interest a Democrat into coming to work,
No, they're too busy wetting themselves in fear, so we had to wait all these years
until even the Republicans became sick of his oily abuses and are finally taking some action.

How did I get in a party of gutless wankers?

I'm so ashamed to be a Democrat...


Musical Quotes

"I keep saying to Woody, 'I don't need to see the band. I saw them in 1963.' " 
    -- Rod Stewart, avoiding the Stones, whatever the cost,  Link


Subject: a conservative can ask about tequila, right?

I want to get to know tequila better.

1. I worked in a tex mex joint, so i roughly know the difference between silver, reposado, and anejo.
2. when i do a shot of "cuervo" i really don't like it that much.
3. i've seen mexicans and real tequila lovers sip tequila out of brandy snifters.

How can I get used to the taste of tequila, and properly sample it, so I can appreciate it?
I also want to impress my girlfriend by bringing home say a Patron or 1800 Reposado,
and pulling out two snifters, and really scoring points.

The idea here is to not use it to get loaded, but to develop the taste like wine aficionados do.
I was also inspired by the cigar dave show (if you can catch it he's not bad. he may be conservative
but he leaves the political talk to a minimum and focuses a lot on cigars, alcohol, and stupid smoking laws)

chris in florida.

Dude, Cuervo isn't tequila.
It's tequila mixed with the cheapest vodka they can find.
And if you want to impress her, use Anejo only.

To get into the taste of tequila, drink as little as possible.
Pour a shot, and get a swizzle stick or a straw, dip it in the tequila then place
a drop on the tip of your tongue and press that into the roof of your mouth.
Then exhale thru your nose - it's Heaven on Earth.
Not only do you get all the taste, but you can make a shot last an hour :)

Also, buy more than one brand at a time.
Do a sip of Chinaco, then a sip of Patron.

I heard some Cigar dave on XM radio, you're right, he's not bad.
I'd like to debate him, sometime.


Subject: Pigboy busted

You mentioned a newsgroup (alt.fan.rush-limbaugh).
Can you publish how to get there?

It's been so long since I read a newsgroup
that I have no idea how to get to them.

Dude, I'm not sure how normal people get there (maybe someone will write?)
but I'm there so much, I bought an Agent Newsreader for $29, I think.

One way, is go to Google and type in a subject and hit "Groups."

 I know how to get there, Bart!


"To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming.
  Somebody pinch me.  ...that may not be enough... Somebody shoot me in the face."
         -- Stephen Colbert, slapping Der Monkey around,  Link


Marty's Entertainment Page

always has good stuff.

Subject: O'Donnell

Bart  I am gay and I cannot stomach Rosie.
Really didn't think too hard when praising der Monkey,
when she should have known that he and his ilk want us
in concentration camps or worse.

I spit on Rosie O'Donnell.
Jim R


If you see a star in an anti-Bush or pro-peace shirt,
please send that in.

I guess there are no celebs who are against the war
except for Viggo and we can't run his picture every day.


"So wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold.
  I've actually got a summer house in South Carolina.
  Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University."
      -- Stephen Colbert, to John McCain,  Link


Subject: re: I rest my case

I've always thought you were a bit of an asshole, now I'm convinced. 
Have a nice life.

Tony in Stormville, NY

Tony, if you have nothing to say, why waste the time?
You could be masturbating but no, you write to me, instead.



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Subject: Molly & Kurt

Dear Bart, I hope you stick to your convictions regarding Hillary, by not letting 
a few dissenters like Molly and Kurt alter your position on Hillary for president.

I for one think she would make a great president with Bill in there with her,
it would be the best ever!

Thanks Bart for all you do,

Edith, common sense says you stick with a winner.
Plus, unlike Gore and Kerry, Hillary actually wants the job.


 Iraq pumps 2,000,000 barrels a day,
(and that was before the 2002 Halliburton Upgrade)
 times today's oil price which is$73.70 a barrel
makes $147,400,000 Bush stole just yesterday

...add to that, Iran pumps FOUR M barrels a day.

Once the sick bastard invades, that's 6 M barrels a day
times today's oil price which is  $73.70 a barrel
makes $442,200,000 dollars Bush will steal daily

That's a third of a billion dollars every day
No wonder they were so eager to start a war

...and what did it cost us?

2400  2404 soldiers



"The greatest thing about this man (Boosh) is he's steady - you know where he stands.
  He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday - no matter what happened Tuesday."
       -- Stephen Colbert, slapping Der Monkey around,  Link


Subject: The Bush disaster

What was so gawd-awful about America that her very own citizens can't wait to destroy her, Bart? 
I'm just glad I'm so old that my funeral may come before hers does.


Dragon, we still have the Republicans.
They're getting sick of Bush.


Please, John - Not Again
 Please John, America can't survive another wimp/limp campaign


The signs that John Kerry is going to run for president in 2008 are rising faster than the pollen count.
There was the requisite New York Times op-ed -- How many days late? How many dollars short?
-- on getting out of Iraq. There was the Globe op-ed that preceded the speech supporting war dissenters
at Faneuil Hall to an audience of groupies yelling ''Run" and ''2008." There was Ted Kennedy's remark, '
'If he runs, I'm supporting him."

And then there was his op-ed in The Manchester Union-Leader defending New Hampshire's place
as first-in-the-nation primary. A true profile in courage.

All of this leads me to blurt out: ''Stop him before he kills (the Democrats' chances) again."

Please, John.
You had your chance, and you chose to surrender early.
We can't survive another "Please fuck me" campaign, John.
Please retire so we can get anybody else in your place.


Subject: Pat Buchanan

Pat Buchanan is a perfect example of a real conservative. 
Bush and the neocon-nazis that call themselves conservative would be held in contempt by Barry Goldwater.

George in Fort Wayne


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"I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things.
  Things like aircraft carriers, and rubble, and recently flooded city squares. And that sends
  a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with
  the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world."
         -- Stephen Colbert, slapping Der Monkey around,  Link

 You can bet next year, it's back to suck-up Jay Leno
 What idiot hired Colbert, a man who's not afraid of Karl Rove?


Subject: gas gouging

They charge the high price because they CAN. 
Are their processing costs higher? 
Transportation costs? 

They see Americans paying through the nose and still jackassing down the road at 70-80 mph, 
idling in drive-through lanes, pissing it away like they were getting it for free. 

Quite naturally, they say: $3/gallon?  Sure! 
They'll pay it, and waste it some more.  Why not $5/gallon?
And so on.

Dude, with Bush in charge, $5 a gallon is coming.
After all, he doesn't have a magic wand, remember?


 Call the all new, toll-free 
 GOP callers Welcome (snicker)

TV Stuff

Tuesday is TV's best night.

Is House the best show on TV?  It might be, and if you tune in tonight, you'll see next year's
Best Actor (Hugh Laurie) do scenes with next year's Best Supporting Actor (Omar Epps).

Veronica Mars takes the witness stand on the big Nichols murder trial.
She answers hostile questions almost as well as Ol' Bart!
God, I lust for the day when some asshole lawyer tries to get me to say 
something I don't want to say.  I get wood just thinking of the possibilities.

The GOP says Boston Legal is too hard on Bush every week.
They pound the gutless bastard, no doubt about that.
Tune in to see who Denny (R-Gun Nut) shoots this week
and - brace yourself - Rescue Me returns this month.

Have you seen those promos with Denis Leary on fire?
They need to put Rescue Me on a real network so people can find it.

Dave has Tom Cruise, who's going to explain why he demanded that his beard change her name.
Jay the suck-ass has Lisa Lampanelli, the only woman I know who's dirtier than Sara Silverman.


Subject: Da Vinci code

Let's accept without question that Jesus is the Son of God.

Then let's consider all the energy spent linking Jesus to the House of King David. 
A whole lot of pedigree certificates going out in the New Testament to make sure 
we have the blood line from David going to Joseph, the Not-Father of Jesus. 

Well, if Jesus is the Son of God, he ain't gonna have Joseph's DNA. Hellooo.

My spouse explained this biblical ancestry fetish away with 
"Well, you always need a backdoor, in case a prophecy blows up in your face." 

My take? Jesus was human, and it showed up particularly in the bit about having his feet 
anointed with oil and his counter-point defense with the Band of 12 concerning his human
moment of selfishness. It is one of the more curious parts of the Gospels.


I always like Superman and Batman better.


Halle Berry Wants to Adopt



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