Funny II - Click Here
Reminder - We're
taking Mrs. BartCop's touring sedan to Santa Fe.
From there, we'll go north thru Colorado to Rocky Mountain National Park where
temperatures should be a high in the mid-seventies. Matter of fact, we'll see snow.
So the treehouse will be dark for several days.
You might consider checking out some intelligent
sites while we're dark.
I didn't start getting much feedback until after Volume 144,
so I don't know which back issues are worth reading.
but if you want to check the back issues, I would suggest the following:
52 - GOP Convention Special was Bob Dole's nightmare.
Volume 94 - Outside It's America was pretty good, I thought.
Volume 111 - President Gore was the beginning of the Monica nightmare.
Volume 134 - To Be a Rock was the president's trial in high gear
Volume 144 - The Softer Side of Sears was the last old-style issue.
It's 107 degrees in K-Drag Oklahoma.
I'm glad Rush is right about global warming being only a myth.
The President-elect and his VP-elect in Washington state, yesterday.
I live on an island across the water from
Seattle and we must take a ferry
to get to the city. Well, this morning I awoke at 4:00AM because I was
taking my dad and his family to the airport and had to bee in line for the
5:25AM commuter boat by 4:40 to make it on.
The trip over was uneventful, I was tired,
my little sister annoying.
They got to the airport fine I said bye and was on my way back to the
ferry terminal on the Seattle side by 6:40.
When I arrived at the terminal there
were police motor cycles everywhere.
They almost blocked my lane to turn into the car waiting area. I saw an empty
ticket line so I veered my car in that direction only to have an officer jump in the way
telling me to go to the ticket line that had a plethora of cars waiting to get in.
I thought this very strange but I was too tired to care.
In the car holding area there were police
cars everywhere. I thought to myself,
"Did somebody get shot? What the hell is going on?" Oh well, the boat is here.
I drove onto the boat to find a my mom's best friend in the car ahead of me so I got
out and tapped on her window and said, "hi." She asked if I wanted to go upstairs to the
galley and sit. Normally I just sit in the car and listen to the radio during the half-hour
boat ride, but what the hell. I am thirsty and could go for a glass of OJ.
Upon reaching the galley I found some Brand
X Orange Juice that was $2.20!
Can you believe that?
I was outraged but because they had a corner
on the market, I had no choice but to
pay the full price I did. I was kind of miffed but tired as well so I didn't care too much.
I turned to go to one of the cashiers and ran full into Vice President Al Gore.
He shook my hand and said, "Hello, how are ya?"
He didn't wait for my reply because he had
more hands to shake.
I was still kind of stunned to have my juice adventure turn into this.
Across the restaurant galley was Joe Lieberman talking with my mom's friend
who is a kindergarten teacher. She was praising him for his work for teachers...
blah blah blah, good stuff, blah blah blah.
When she was done it was my turn to talk
with him. I decided not to talk to him about
how I wish he were more liberal because I wouldn't last long in the conversation circle.
So I decided to attack the phone companies. I told him how USWest/Quest (our local
phone company) will not lie high bandwidth lines for our community of 20,000 because
we don't have a dense enough population. This pisses me off. I pay the same amount
for my phone service as someone who can have DSL or at least get 56k dial up access
(mine is 24k, on a good day). I asked him why the hell I should have to pay the same
amount for phone service as someone who gets better service than I do?
Joe was very cool with this, thought for
a moment and said, "This is very interesting,
lets go talk with Al about this." I grinned and said, "Well...cool."
Joe (We're on a first name basis by this
point) and I walk over to Al and Joe says,
"This kid has some good points I thought you'd be interested in hearing what he has to say."
So, Al, Joe and I talked for a while about the f--ing local phone monopolies and Joe
brought up the point that it was very similar to when the phone and electric companies
didn't want to wire rural areas for the same reason; low population density. I said that
it wasn't quite as necessary as that but for me the Internet is a tool that I need as a college
student and Network Administrator and I don't think I should be paying full price for
phone service until I get some damn service.
We talked for about 5-10 minutes which I
was surprised to be able to do with two very
busy men. They were very cool about talking with an average citizen and I appreciated this.
My impressions of them was that Joe was very cool and suave. He stood there with his
cup of coffee and was very fluid when he talked very relaxed. Al was stiff, and did look
kind of out of place but he was nice and genuine at the same time. He did have some
sweat beading on his upper lip that I couldn't take my eyes off of.
Note to campaign staff: Take
the shoulder pads out of Gore's suit or at least let
him walk around without his jacket on. Maybe he will loosen up a bit.
All of the campaign staff were very nice
and easy to talk to and I probably won't wash
my hands now that some famous current and soon-to-be leaders of the world shook them.
It is 11:00 at night and I am still a little
dazed at what happened.
They are some nice, busy guys.
Well have a good day, bartcop.
Houston, great note.
If I had some "BartCop Warrior - Go Take on the Day" t-shirts, I'd send you one.
Thanks for sending that.
Newsweek Poll shows Gore ahead by ten
I knew he was going to win a year ago.
Smirk Loses Motion To Dismiss Suit
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) - Gov. Smirk has lost
his bid for dismissal from a lawsuit accusing him
of violating the free speech rights of environmental protesters at the Governor's Mansion.
Judge John Dietz on Wednesday said Smirk,
could be called to testify when the
case goes to trial. No date has been set.
The lawsuit alleged that Bush gave state
troopers ``unbridled discretion'' to target protesters
picketing in front of the mansion last year on a public sidewalk.
``We have now established one important
part of our case and that is that the governor is not
above the law and that the Constitution can be enforced. We still have to prove the rest of our
case so we aren't done,'' said David Kahne, a lawyer for the protesters.
Wait a minute - this is crazy.
Smirk is a very busy, very important man.
He can't be expected to drop everything and respond to every stupid, nonsense lawsuit
filed by his political enemies in an attempt to distract and humiliate....
Oh, ...that's right.
The Republicans gave Paula Jones fucking millions to chase after
and changed the way all politicians have to deal with the underhanded attacks
by their political opponents if they can't be beaten at the ballot box.
The goddamn idiot clowns on the Supreme Court agreed that even
the president is
not immune from idiotic, bullshit, no-foundation harrassment lawsuits filed with no
intention other than to harrass, embarrass and fuck with a candidate..
Is this not the stupidest bunch of assholes ever to sit on the
Especially that idiot with the question mark burned into his forehead.
Swear to Koresh, I have more respect for Bob barr and Dan Burton
than I do these slugs.
Barr and Burton are expected to be unreasonable and fight dirty
Do these numbnuts have an excuse?
Remember what they said?
"We don't foresee the president having any problems defending
we don't think there will be many, we don't think they'll amount to much, we don't think
it will take up much of the president's time and, if it does, the legislature always has
the option to fix what we don't have the balls to correct because we're fucking morons."
A shot of Cuervo Gold for the brainless simians on the Supreme Court.
It's President Gore, agree
The presidential election is already won - by Martin Kettle
So, what will Tipper wear to the inauguration ball?
Is Richard Holbrooke going to become secretary of state at last?
What are Al Gore's chances of winning a second term in 2004?
Who on earth will the Republicans find to challenge him after Smirk's defeat?
If you think that questions of this kind are a bit premature,
then seven American
academics can show you that they are not. Al Gore will win the US presidential
election on November 7, they say, by a narrow but clear majority. Nothing that
happens between now and election day is likely to affect the outcome at all.
The seven academics all presented papers yesterday at the annual
the American Political Science Association in Washington. All of them based
their findings on separate mathematical models which they have devised for
predicting the results of past US elections.
Several of their formulas have repeatedly proved to be extremely
In July 1996, Michael Lewis-Beck of the University of Iowa used his model to
predict that Bill Clinton would win a second term, capturing 54.8% of the
two-party vote. Four months later, Clinton defeated Bob Dole, taking 54.7%.
Pretty good, eh?
This year, Lewis-Beck says that Gore will win even more handsomely.
Gore will get
56.2% of the vote on November 7, he says. "It's not even going to be close,"
Lewis-Beck told the Washington Post as long ago as May.
Not all of the academics agree on the precise numbers.
But they all agree about who is going to win.
Gore, with 53.2%, says Alan Abramowitz of Emory University.
Gore, with 55%, says Christopher Wlezien of the University of Houston.
Gore, with 52.8%, according to James Campbell of the University of Buffalo.
The numbers range from 52.3% to 60.3%, but the name in the winner's
is always the same: Al Gore.
The forecasters' models differ in various ways. But they are all
seek to integrate
the public opinion polls with reported data on the strength and weakness of the
economy and with poll findings on the public's sense of its own wellbeing.
And they all agree that the two crucial guides to the outcome
of the election are
the incumbent president's job satisfaction ratings and the public's sense of
economic confidence compared with past years.
That is why the news is so good for Gore.
Bill Clinton's job approval ratings in mid-August were 60% positive
38% negative - almost exactly where they have been for the past four years.
Which leaves us with only one important question.
What will Tipper wear to the ball?
There she goes again
The LA She-Thing (Laura Schluttinger) took this call today:
Caller: Hi, Dr. Laura, my uncle just
died, the funeral is next week, but I want to
ask you about my aunt. She tends to exxaggerate a lot on how great their
marriage was, and I was ------
The line went dead.
The idiot calls the She-Thing from a cell phone in a moving car, but since Laura has
her calls screened as tightly as the vulgar Pigboy, Laura knew where she was going.
Remember my previous observation - No matter what point of view
the caller has
Laura will take the opposite point of view to give her an excuse to attack and mangle
the masochistic caller in an effort to look her own ass look good.
Since Laura knew what the lady was going to say, she launched:
You weren't in that marriage.
You weren't privy to the details of that marriage.
Their definition of a good marriage may be different from the definition
that you or I might be familiar with, so you need to keep your nose involved
in your own business and just stay away from anybody else's marriage.
It's none of your business!!!
Things change when she's not talking about Bill and Hillary.
That marriage has been Laura's business, literally, for the last several years.
Did a day ever go by when Laura didn't have some shitty gossip
to pass on to her listeners about the state of Bill Clinton's marriage?
You know what the difference is?
Nobody will pay the LA She-Thing $12,000,000 a year to gossip
like an old biddy
about some caller's aunt's marriage, but she IS being paid $12,000,000 a year
to gossip about anybody who has a "D" after their name, especially the president.
Have you ever heard this "devout Jew" tell her Jewish gossip parable?
It's about a man who loved to spread false rumors and gossip about other people.
Then, while being counseled by a rabbi, was told to take a feather pillow to the tallest hill
in town on a windy day and tear it open, wait a while, then try to retrieve the feathers.
"But Rabbi," the gossip-monger whined, "it's impossible to get those feathers back."
The rabbi told him that reversing false and nasty-bitch gossip
is as hard as
getting each feather back into that pillow, but nooooooooooooooooooo.
Laura doesn't care about God, honesty or decency if money is involved.
Cold cash - that's her motivation - just like the vulgar Pigboy.
The She-Bitch loves that money, and will do any goddamn thing for more of it.
Her opinions are not her own.
She's getting paid to say good things about Republicans.
She's getting paid to say bad things about Democrats.
That means little Laura is for sale.
That makes her a whore.
There he goes again
I know that England's health care system isn't as good as ours.
Most everything is America is better than most everything everywhere else,
so that shouldn't be a big shock to anybody.
But I also know that Paul Harvey is a lying horse molester.
Those horses above?
They're running because they heard the sound of Paul Harvey's zipper.
(His 501's were in the wash.)
Today on his lil' hate update, (I just caught the end of it,)
but the toothless
horse molester was ragging on either Hillary or Gore, and he said,
"In England, if you need a doctor, you have to wait seven months,
and if he
recommends that you be hospitalized, you have to wait another seven months."
Words mean things - and those were the words he used.
So, if you're in a serious car wreck in England, let's say on
New Year's Day,
and you break your back and you "need a doctor," Paul Harvey is giving you
his word as a decent human being that you will have to wait until July first
(seven months later) for a doctor to see you and your broken back.
then on July first, if the doctor agrees with you that a broken
back is a serious health care
problem, then you have to wait another seven months until February 2 of the following
goddamn year before you can be accepted into a hospital in England.
You and I both know he's a goddamn liar.
Maybe what he meant was mole-removal or some other elective surgery, but
that's not what he said. Those aren't the words he used.
He is a lying goddamn horse molester and a dirty, paid-for whore
of the RNC,
and remember, I couldn't say that if it wasn't true.
Paul Harvey - you should be ashamed of your lying ass.
Whitewater team closes
up shop in Little Rock
Witchhunt can't connect anything to Clinton's Cock
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Independent Counsel
Robert Ray formally declared an end
to the Whitewater era Thursday, announcing that he had closed the Arkansas office
where President and Hillary Rodham Clinton's real-estate dealings and other business
had been investigated for the past six and half years.
Hey, Robert Ray, Hardon Kenny, scumbag Henry Hyde, murderer Bob
scumbag Dan Burton, those prick-scumbag House managers, racist Trent Lott,
scumbag Newt Gingrich, scumbag Bob Livingston, scumbag David Shippers
and allllllllllllll you press whores who sold your dignity for a nickle...
You braindead sons-of-bitches were too goddamn stupid to catch
You never had a chance, because I drove you insane with my cock.
I played you like a cheap-ass violin, and you never knew what hit you.
The American people love me, and would elect me again if it wasn't
for that stupid 22nd Amendment that the GOP pushed thru because
they were tired of the popular Democrats winning every election.
You can now suck that which you have grabbed at for 8 years.
From Salon.com - http://www.salon.com/books/2000/09/01/arrogance/index1.html
Nixon's apparent mental breakdown toward the end of his presidency, likely exacerbated
by his abuse of the anti-epileptic drug Dilantin as a tranquilizer and his drinking problem
(which accounts for his frequent slurred speech and disassociated demeanor),
reads here as a moment of self-definition.
Drinking problem...slurred speech, disassociated
Sound like anyone we know?
It's going to get really ugly.
From: Mr. Spock
Comments: Report to Captain's Log, Star Date 83100
Spock: The beings appear to have submerged their
individual identities into a collective
Hive Consciousness, Captain..They seem to inhabit a self-contained bubble of
alternative reality, completely unaffected by the laws of our universe...
Logic and rationality are irrelevant to them...they are linked
to one another by audio
transmissions which relay the incessant babbling of an otherwise unexceptional member of
their species...who is, in return, fed and pampered like the bloated queen of a termite colony.
Kirk: My god man, you mean--?
Spock: Yes, Captain, they are DITTOHEADS!!
Well, saw the commercial against Gore a
few minutes ago.
Looked on drudge, found the text of the commercial;
It ends with the following address: http://www.gorewillsayanything.com/
This ad was paid for by the RNC, meaning
this website is endorsed by the RNC.
Nothing there yet, but they assure us something to come soon.
A quick whois lookup tells us the following info.
National Media, Inc.
211 Union St.
Alexandria, VA 22314
What does this mean?
Not much, given that natmedia.com is a "media strategy developer".
You can browse their page at http://www.natmedia.com/about.html
Okay, so the the RNC farmed out a really
dumb attack ad to an ad agency.
Well, this tells us a couple of really important
First, it tells us that this campaign season is not going to be as lily-white as it first promised to be.
This is no surprise, given how close the race promises to be.
More importantly, this belies the Bush campaign's desperation.
Why is this?
Isn't this a soft money ad, paid for by
the RNC, completely separate from the Dubya camp?
Well, normally this tactic might work, for the most naive of voters.
This time, though, the Shrub screwed up. Not one week ago, there was a big flap over an ad
going out that could have been perceived negative. Not only did Dubya personally nix the ad,
completely ignoring the ethical implications of such influence over soft money, but even against
the protestations of highly placed Republican officials in the RNC.
We know for a fact that Bush can kill these
ads any time he wants. But he let this one slip through.
This shows not only desperation, but an uncharacteristically stupid management of this otherwise
well-orchestrated show. Public opinion polls have demonstrated how quickly the voting
populace can, and will turn on the first person to go negative.
Now, Dubya seems to have put himself right into the middle of a Bartcop snare.
I will do my best to yank on that mother...
Subject: Smirk's New Ad Lies About Gore
> THE SCRIPT: A female narrator
> "There's Al Gore, reinventing himself on television again.
Is it "reinvention" when the "Compassionate
into the "Reformer with Results?"
Today, Smirk becomes a "Mudslinger with Money!"
Or is it "Liar who's Losing?"
Yes, I remember Smirk promising not to go negative, which is
real fucking easy to promise when you're eighteen points ahead.
> Like I'm not going to notice. Who's
he going to be today?
> The Al Gore who raises campaign money at a Buddhist temple?
Smirk's DOJ stooges admit that Gore never
raised any money at the temple.
Even so, they're demanding another investigation. Whose credibility is in question now?
> Or the one who promises campaign finance reform?
Smirk, while debating McCain, said that
campaign finance reform would
doom "our conservative ideals." Even if you doubt Gore's sincerity, do
you seriously think Smirk do more for CFR? Smirk's idea of CFR is
letting the wealthy contribute as much as they want!
> Gore, claiming credit for things he
didn't even do."
> Mr. Gore: "I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
Smirk was still playing Pong, back when
Gore pushed the bill creating
the Internet through Congress. Actually, Smirk's STILL playing Pong.
> Woman: "Yeah, and I invented the remote
control, too. Another round of
> this, and I'll sell my television."
4 more years of voodoo economics, and you'll need to.
Smirk's people have told him he needs a knockout to win.
He knows he's going to lose, so he's throwing everything against the wall and
hoping something sticks. The trick is to not get mad, hell, there's not even any
reason to get even in this case. Smirk is a failed, in-name-only governor
who's about to be exposed as a fake and a fraud so our job is to ridicule
his silver-spoon ass and sit back and laugh as his career goes into the toilet.
I don't think Texas will be very proud of him when Gore's thru
with him, either,
so, come re-election time, he'll be on the board of directors at Enron Oil, ...but then again,
does Enron have any use for a powerless loser who can't do them any good?
Subject: Sopranos: Pussy checks out Tony's new boat
Maybe you mentioned this before, but in the season finale of the Sopranos,
Tony invites Pussy along to check out the new boat he's buying and then
confronts him for being a snitch. Pussy asks: "Got any good Tequila?"
I'd just as soon die with some good tequila running down my throat.
Paulie Walnuts grabs a bottle of Cuervo
Gold and pours three shots.
Pussy then pour himself two more shots before he says
"I can't stand up. 'T' do you mind if I sit?"
Maybe we talked of this before how the turncoat
deserves some Jose
Cuervo as his final drink?
If I was a hit man for the mob, I'd carry Cuervo Gold with
Wheneven I was about to snuff some skel, I'd tie him to a chair and
force him to drink some Cuervo as part of his punishment, then shoot him.
That would teach him to screw with BartCop the Enforcer.
Why didn't Pussy go to Tony and say, "I got busted, the feds have
their hooks in me.
They want me to testify against you. Of course, I would die before I did
anything like that to you, my blood-brother (kisses the ring)
Could I have about $2,000,000 to move my family to Italy and I can
help with the SUV "distributorship" you have over there?"
All things considered, it beats turning rat and forcing your family
to have to murder you and dump your Cuervo-swilling ass in the ocean.
If I was Tony, I'd be touched by that, and I'd help him out. Even
if Italy has extradition,
they could fake Pussy's death and get him a new identity over there.
From: The Skinners firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Update from Ga.
Hi. I'm abigayle's father. I've read everything, just like she has, since Vol. 1.
(Ediotr's Note: Ouch!)
We took the family trip up to Hot-lanta
to see her uncle's new baby this week.
Her uncle works in the CNN building, and Wynter and I call him the "Brother-in-Law with Access".
He hears things at work. Thought you might be interested in some of them:
1. Good - Ga. Assembly Spkr. Tom Murphy will redraw
Bob Barr's district,
ending his political career in Ga. (He won by less than a thousand votes, anyway.)
2. Bad - since Jane Left Uncle Ted, he's probably
going back to being a conservative.
(Read: CNN=Fox II)
I'm not sure the GOP will take Ted.
3. Sinister - as you may know, Rehnquist, Scalia,
and O'Connor want out. But they have told
conservative leaders "we're with you on this", meaning they will retire IF Bush is elected,
but will stay on if Al is elected.
They will remain on the court
for both Gore terms?
4. The debate thing is true. Bush does not want
He will dodge until focus polling shows he will lose.
Even then he will only agree to a format where the moderator he picks asks
pre-approved questions agreed to in advance.
Each candidate makes a pre-written mini-speech, no rebuttal.
Smirk doesn't really have that
If Gore says, "Let's debate like two men," Smirk will be shamed into it.
If Smirk refuses, Gore will say that proves Smirk isn't ready to be president.
5. The Nazis have diverted most funds away from
gambling it all on Bush and are effectively conceding the House to us.
6. He says those polling maps they're plastering
everywhere that show Bush 15 pts ahead in Ga.
and the electoral map showing Bush with a lock on the Electoral College are not propaganda.
How can this be? We have the
best people, we have the issues, we look forward, they look
backwards, we personify Enlightenment and Progress, they personify Hate and Stupid.
I just don't understand how Hate and Stupid can win over Enlightenment and Progress.
I'm an engineer, Bartcop. I think for a living.
I'm trying to teach abigayle to think, too.
Thats why she reads you.
A. Thanks for the kind words.
B. I don't care if Smirk's map says he going to win all 55 states!
I just watched the PBS behind-the-scenes
with Newt during the 98 mid-term
elections that the GOP now refers to as "Return to Little Big Horn."
The morning of the elections, Newt was still predicting big, big wins for the GOP
and they got their ass handed to them by the Democrats and the voters.
If the GOP thinks they have
this election won - that's better for us.
Smirk's just-released negative attack ads are a sign of desperation, and that plays
right into Gore's hands. Gore is a slugger, and if Smirk wants to stand toe-to-toe
with Gore he's not only going to lose, he's going to be covered in blood.
Bottom line, if Smirk is ten points ahead November 1, I'll be worried.
Nawlins TV mistakenly airs anti-Gore ad
NEW ORLEANS (AP) - A Louisiana television station Wednesday broadcast
a political ad
questioning the honesty of Al Gore and President Clinton a week after the Republican National
Committee abruptly dropped plans to air it. The station never received instructions to pull the ad,
and a one-digit clerical error allowed it onto the air, WWL-TV General Manager Jimmie Phillips
said. "We take in ads by the hundreds off the satellite. This came in. It was a particular number.
The traffic clerk took that number instead of another. It was one digit off," Phillips said. Station
personnel realized the error after viewers called to complain, and immediately pulled the ad off
the air and destroyed the cassette and digital master.
The RNC ad featured excerpts of a 1994 interview during which
Gore, who had called Oliver
North a "pathological liar," was asked whether he and Clinton had always told the truth. He said
they had. Asked whether Clinton had lied in "the last two years," Gore said no. The ad did not
mention the context of the interview or indicate that the two years in question were well before the
Monica Lewinsky scandal, which broke in January 1998. Officials in the Smirk campaign objected
to the ad on grounds that it used an outdated interview and conflicted with Bush's promise to
soften the tenor of American politics.
Subject: re Susan Smith
Don't forget that one of the things that
screwed up that insane whore
Susan Smith so badly was that her daddy was a really big-mouthed
supporter of Pat Robertson, who would come home from praying in public
and rape his then-14-year-old daughter.
I remembered that, but in the interests of bi-partisanship,
I didn't want to bring it up.
Denis Leary, others, Honor Firefighters
WORCESTER, Mass. (AP) - Comedian Denis Leary returned to his hometown
promote a benefit that will honor six firefighters who died in a December 1999 warehouse fire.
A cousin of Leary's, Jeremiah Lucey, was one of the men killed in the blaze.
"I think many of us - myself included - took firefighters for
granted before this terrible, terrible tragedy,"
Leary said. The benefit includes three celebrity-filled events: A hockey game, a private dinner and
a golf tournament. Money raised will go to the Worcester Fire Department.
Michael J. Fox, Tim Robbins and Kiefer Sutherland and Bobby
Orr are among those scheduled
to play in the Oct. 1 hockey game at the Worcester Centrum.
Ed Burns and Cindy Crawford are among those who are signed up for the Oct. 2 golf tournament.
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