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Volume 377 - The Texas Syntax Massacre 
January 9, 2001   
Jimmy Page's birthday

 Important Questions

 Why isn't there a Joe Perry guitar solo in Dream On?

 I mean, Dream On was a hueueueueuge power anthem from the dinosaur seventies
 and it doesn't have a guitar solo - can anybody figure?

 Comic Update

 I'm pretty sure Dennis Miller starts up this Friday.
 I could listen to an hour of him telling us uncensored stories about his year.

 It hurts to lose Chris Rock, especially if he goes movie-only.
 The live, stalking, uncensored stand-up Chris Rock is the best we have.

 Jon Stewart, Number Three on my best nightly list,
  (Rock, Miller, Stewart, Dave, Maher, Conan, Smirk, Leno)  is taking some time off!

 Wait, it gets worse...
 While he's gone, he won't have a guest host, his underlings will "fill in."
 I love Jon Stewart, Koresh - he's Number Three, but his supporting staff?
 ...I mean, ...are they from England or what?

 All during the campaign season and the Election that wouldn't die,
 Jon Stewart doing news was the best stuff, night after night, from 10:00 to 10:05.

 Then his horrid little helpers would pour water on the fire,
 then Jon would come back for "This just in" and be funnier that a mother-effer
 from 10:16 to 10:20, then they'd do another intern skit and the show was over.
 It was almost as bad as what NBC does to us every Thursday.

 Leno Joke

 Linda Chavez told the Washington Post she had no idea her maid was an illegal immigrant.
 She said she thought all Latino women jumped in the dryer whenever someone knock on the door.

 ha ha

 Great joke, and it breaks the Leno by-the-numbers formula style of writing.
 I'll bet he stole that from another comedian in 1976.


 Just now, Leno did a joke about having a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up your ass.

 Jay, you're filthier than
 You love the poop-eating jokes and the coffee-enema "needs more sugar" jokes.
 Why squander the "family comedian" reputation?
 Johnny did the double entendre's but Johnny bever did poop-eating jokes.
 For that manner, does anyone else have Jay's reputation for poop-eating jokes?
 There's just no need for that unless you're doing a show for drunks at a bar.
 Sure, there was a time when Jay played the old burlesque halls and strip joints
 but now that he's on top, what's the upside to going there?
 Geez, it's the Tonight Show with Gramma and Aunt Edna staying over.

 ...and just to show you I'm not a prude,

 Did you see Triumph, the Wonder Dog on Conan the other night?
 I don't know if you've ever seen Triumph, the Wonder Dog, but that son of a bitch is funny.

 He was extremely profane, and it was funnier than hell.
 Triumph said for New Year's, he wanted to give up the pleasures of the flesh, and they showed his "crimes,"
 which was the Triumph puppet licking and humping real dogs at the New York Dog Show.
 It was adult and silly and childish at the same time, and funny as hell,

 ...and you didn't have to picture eating excrement to get the joke, ...JAY!


Subject: and guitars

hi bartcop,

i don't remember how i stumbled onto your site, but i must say that it is GREAT!
it's comforting to know that not everyone has been brainwashed by smirk and friends.

but my real reason for writing (this is so lame) - i have a guitar question.
you said that you like talking guitars on your site, so i figured you're as good as anyone to ask,
and i already trust you more than some desperate salesman at the local guitar shop.
i'm new to guitars. . .

don't know how to play, but desperately want to learn.  i figure starting with an acoustic guitar is best
- but should i get a 6 string or 12 string. . . do you recommend any brands?

i'll keep an eye out for good stories. . . i've turned into a mega-liberal
over the past few months, so maybe i'll send something in one day.


ps - i live in texas and smirk turned this state into a polluted shit hole,
a gun-totter's paradise. . . so now that it's time to apply to grad school
my parents want to know why i'm not applying to any texas schools. . .

Someone needs to invent a sarcasm icon.

I think I know a lot about music, but I don't know shit about guitars.
About a year ago, I said I really liked the sound Carlos Santana got with his Les Paul
running thru a Marshall amp. It might've been the most mail I ever got, explaining that
Carlos plays Paul Rich guitars, or something like that, and why don't I stick to talking
about something about which I had a fucking clue :)

But I printed your letter because there are several real guitar players who read,
and I'll bet some of them send you suggestions on what to get first.

...and sorry about what Smirk did to your state.

 Strong Stuff from Paul Begala

 Click  Here

  Why would the Bushies lie about such a thing? For the same reason Bush lied about failing
 to report to the Alabama National Guard and for the same reason the president-elect lied
 about his arrest for drunk driving. ItÆs the same reason the Bushies lied about Dick CheneyÆs
 post-election heart attack. And the same reason Bush lied to a court in Texas about whether
 heÆd discussed with state regulators a controversial investigation of a funeral home company
 run by a gubernatorial campaign contributor. Because thatÆs what they do.

 Things are heating up.


Subject: I DISAGREE!

I am vehemently OPPOSED to that picture of the Sumo wrestler as the picture of Ms. Harlot Harris for these reasons:
At least in Sumo the match is STOPPED when the garb which comprises the uniform of the wrestlers starts to
"go south" is then adjusted (in this case, "retied") and the match is then allowed to CONTINUE!

Goodness knows that Ms. Harlot Harris would object to that if she felt her opponent were a Democrat.
She'd want that "drop-trou" no matter what because that's what Republicans want first and the fairness
of the match itself second. Besides, they're more genital-hungry than those whom respect such traditions.

SHAME on and! A POX upon BOTH your dojos in such meanspiritness
which dares cast Sumo as the equivalent of Republican politics!

BTU, I do agree that she does need to go upon a fastidious journey to forgo those foibles which mandated
that "roll call" to begin with.

Parodically yours,

Did Bush Commit Perjury?

We know that in 1976 President Select Bush was convicted of DUI (driving under the influence)
in Kennebunkport Maine.  The Daily Brew has learned from reliable sources that after that conviction,
Bush regularly operated his family's King Air (about a 4 million dollar twin turboprop), as a civilian.

However, to maintain his FAA license, Bush, like all licensed pilots, would have had to submit his
medical exam by a Aviation Medical Examiner at least every 2 years.
Persons filling out that exam are REQUIRED by federal law to disclose any DWIs at the time of the
pilot's aviation medical examination. Any false or misleading statements on that form are federal offenses.
Pilots who have DWIs must have their medical flight clearance revoked for 3 years (and The Daily Brew
understands back then it was 5). Then they have to apply for reinstatement, and give reasons why they
feel they have recovered from their alcoholism (such as treatment records).

If Bush filed a flight plan between 1978 and 1981, that would constitute prima facie evidence that Bush
had a valid pilot's license after 1978.  If the FAA issued President Select Bush medical certificate after
1976, the Daily Brew believes that would constitute prima facie evidence that Bush committed perjury
in filling out his medical certificate.

The Daily Brew is calling for an immediate eight year, $70 million investigation that begins with these charges,
but eventually meanders through every known facet of Bush's personal and private life, (just like Whitewater).
In the course of this investigation, all business associates and acquaintances of Mr. Bush should be forced
to testify before Federal Grand Juries, under the threat of 27 year prison sentences for their parents
(just like Monica Lewinski) and those who fail to give the false testimony demanded by the prosecutor
should be imprisoned (just like Julia Hyatt Steele and Susan McDougal).  In the end, unless Mr. Bush
resigns from office "for the good of the Country" The Daily Brew is demanding that Mr. Bush be impeached.


Enjoyed the anagram, but my vote still has to go to

"bugger whose?" -- George W. Bush


 Theater of the Mind
  by Margaret Shemo

  Click  Here

 I got one of those particularly nasty "go to hell mother-effer" e-mails and,
 like I always do, I turn the other cheek and invite..., ...well, ...I'll let you read it.

> On Sat, 06 January 2001, BartCop wrote:

> Novaman,
> You probably know I enjoy spirited debate.
> Care to show me where I'm wrong?

> I'll give you unedited space, unless you get all
> crazy vulgar or something. Up for the challenge?

> Or do you prefer the hit & run?

> bc


Subject: Re: Hey from BartCop

Spirited debate?!?  HA!  You prefer derision and slamming those with opposing views.
I was sent to your site by a friend as a curiosity.  Thus sated, I won't be returning.
You can have your unedited space; I don't need or crave to have my graffitti seen by all.
You're a bright guy, with a fairly keen wit, but with all the saavy and class of a shock jock.

Enjoy the little space under your rock, BartDude.
One day, you may even grow up.  Nah........


You see what happens when you challenge the lower primates?
Since Rush isn't here to think for Novaman, he must stick with his hit-and-run tactics.
Any close examination of his stand on political issues would soon crumble, and he knows it,
so he prefers to ring the doorbell and hide and giggle with glee at "how he beat BartCop."

I don't know that I've printed this before, but almost every wild-ass attack on me gets a very civil
answer like the one Novaman got, along with an opportunity to blast me edit-free with unlimited space
(not really, I don't want 500K worth of blast - but enough room to let him make his point)
but what can a ditto-monkey do when his brain isn't on the air to help him think?

Isn't it sad?

Their point of view is so without merit, and they know it, that they can't debate.
This is why I'm angry with Gore. He had the means to force Bush-for-brains into a real debate.
Bush would've loved to do what Novaman did, which is hide like a scared bunny,
and Gore's mishandling of the debate rules cost him the election.

So, Novaman, as time goes by,
if you feel a pair starting to grow,
you know where to reach me.

 John Ashcroft's big mistake
  By Eric Boehlert

  He denied Ronnie White a federal judgeship for being soft on crime, when his grudge was against his  pro-choice politics.
  Either way, the move cost him his Senate seat -- and could block his confirmation as attorney general.

  Click  Here


Subject: Ashcroft's Missouri Record

Those of us who lived to Missouri in the 1980s remember John Ashcroft as Attorney General in
respect to the Nancy Cruzan ôRight to Dieö case. Nancy Cruzan was in a car accident and existed
in a persistent vegetative brain dead state for 8 years. John Ashcroft fought the familyÆs efforts to
remove her feeding tube all the way to the United States Supreme Court, where Ashcroft eventually lost.

Like many extreme Christian conservatives, John Ashcroft likes to fancy himself as a moral crusader.
He took advantage of the Cruzan family, who just wanted to put their dead daughter to rest, using them
as a prop to position himself as a hero in a fantasy where he pretends to be ôsaving her lifeö.

I think it is wrong to use a position of power, as Mr. Ashcroft did, to victimize families for the purpose
of having a religious ritual so that his fellow worshipers can feel morally superior from the suffering of others.
Self-righteousness, as a form of religious entertainment, has no place in government.
I think Mr. Ashcroft is better suited for a job in a church than as Attorney General.
For more information, search the web for "Nancy Cruzan".

Also, I (Marc Perkel) was John Ashcroft's Republican primary election opponent for United States Senator in 2000.
Info about that is on my web site at:

Gale Norton and the Death of the Alamosa River
 How Smirk's Interior nominee turned a river to crap

 But people who live in the valley that lost all aquatic life to a mine that was, according to
 court documents, poorly regulated, say they fear that Ms. Norton will bring a philosophy to
 the office that only invites more Summitvilles.

"You should not let the coyotes guard the sheep pens," Mr. Rodriguez said.

 Click  Here


Subject:   A Libertarian speaks

First off,

If Gore had shown ANY scruples, he'd have asked for a statewide recount to begin with,
but he didn't.  And, knowing that Democrats are more likely to screw up their ballots than
Republicans, Gore might have picked up votes even in Pro-Bush counties.

That's the laugher!  If Gore REALLY cared about honesty and fairness,
and NOT cherry-picking Dem counties, he might have won!

Hee hee.

Vine-person, are you substituting giggles for the facts?
The rich counties had very good, very modern, very accurate equipment.
Their totals were never in doubt.

The poorer, minority-filled counties had thousands of votes rejected by the machines
that almost certainly were built before you were born.
This election turned on georgraphy in the state of Florida.

Hee hee

And as a side note:  how many pro-Lifers did Clinton have on his cabinet?
None?  Hmmm.  Then let's talk about diversity, eh?

Bush has plenty of pro-choice cabinet members, more women than Clinton,
more minorities than Clinton. Who's cabinet looks like America now?

Bush has his pro-choicers safely tucked away in places where they can't affect policy.
It's a token position, like appointing Clarence Thomas to the Whore Court.

Love your site.  It's great to see all the real whining liberals beat
their chests over all the supposed 'injustice' brought on by Republicans.

I assume you're white, young, healthy, Christian, straight and gainfully employed.
You may have no reason to fear Smirk and his "vision for America's future."

And to pre-empt the idea that Republicans are Nazis, well, aside from murder and genocide,
what is it about National Socialism that you don't like?
Conservatives can answer that question a lot more quickly than liberals...

If I had the slightest idea what you meant to say there, I'd comment on it.
Answering a question "a lot more quickly" doesn't mean you've answered it correctly.
Have you ever seen "Jeopardy?"

And good luck demonizing Ashcroft. Might I suggest bringing Jesse Jackson out of the woodwork
a little more for that?  He's always good for a laugh and a racially-motivated sound bite.

Freedom Lover / Paternalism Hater

I assume you're white, young, healthy, Christian, straight and gainfully employed.
Your attacks on African-Americans (mostly deleted) told me more about yourself
than your alleged voting record.   Black people are not your enemy.
Jesse Jackson and Sheila-Jackson-Lee and not coming to get you.

You and Ashcroft are twins, and that's not meant as a compliment.

 John Ashcroft's Crisco parties

 Click  Here


Subject: Help Wanted...

I am looking for a "South of the Border" servant to befriend.
I have a few little chores they could attend to, like cleaning the toilets and ironing the clothes.
I would be willing to give them up to twenty-five cents a day, since I am so liberal.
Do you have Linda Chavez's telephone number?

I am sure she could be of help,
especially since she is now going to be Secretary of Day Laborers.
All help would be appreciated.

 Tally Briggs / Actress at large

 Click  Here

 What would  have looked like
 had I not escaped from the Catholic P.O.W. Camp?

 Click  Here  and be sure your seat belt is tightly secured.

 Molly Ivins vs Linda Chavez
  Bet on Molly

 But of course the reason she was named to the Cabinet is precisely because her father was
 New Mexico Spanish. This is why Hispanics call her "the Latina Clarence Thomas,"
 meaning someone who has benefited from affirmative action but is opposed to it.

 Click  Here


Subject: No Joe Perry solo on "Dream On"


In your latest issue you ask the question about why there is no Joe Perry solo on Aerosmith's
"Dream On," arguably one of their biggest hits.  I consulted my husband who recently finished
reading "Walk this Way," the Aerosmith bio/extended interview they did with Stephen Davis
of "Hammer of the Gods" fame.  He answered like this:

It's because Joe Perry HATES "Dream On" and didn't want to record it, let alone play anything decent on it.
In the "Walk This Way" book he says that, in retrospect, he could have done better with the song but just
despised the idea of releasing a ballad.  But the song was Tyler's baby and the band figured it was their
best shot at airplay.  Throughout the band's career, though, Tyler's wife Elyssa referred to "Dream On"
as her pee song, cuz she too hated it and would usually go take a leak when they played it.

Occasionally, Tyler would look over to the side of the stage during the song and see
Joe and Elyssa Perry laughing as Tyler sang.

By the way, the book is highly recommended reading for Aerosmith (or just rock and roll) fans!

J. Ferguson
Andover, MA

 Great Pigboy Quotes

 "I have more proof for you that the liberals are lying about global warming.
  So far this winter, 70 people have frozen to death in Siberia in Russia.
  That's right, 70 people have died, and they died from the cold!

 Cold is the opposite of warm, but the liberals can't see that.
 How could we possibly be under a threat of global warming
 if people are dying from the cold?"

 Yes, it's hard to argue with logic like that, Rush.


Don't believe the right-wind media that she "withdrew her name."

Smirk fired her ass, let there be no doubt.
Hell, even Paul Harvey's horse knows better.

Hey, Mr. Ed, did Chavez resign?

You see?
Even victims of repeated sexual abuse know the truth...


Subject: Terminology


A friend of mine sends me links to your site, which I generally find informative and humorous.
However, I would appreciate it if you would stop using references to female body parts--i.e.
(D-vagina) and "yellow pussy Democrats"-- as put downs.


Shay, granted, that's not me at my Shakespearean best, but I can tell you where I meant to go with that.
In a "normal" home - Mom, Dad, and a couple of kids, if Dad hears a noise in the middle of the night,
then hears the front door being kicked in, the man usually takes the gun and prepares to make 'em dead
while Mom and the kids cower in fear, dialing 911, hoping somebody will show up to fight for them.

The current Democrats we have are so much more suited to play the effeminate role.
They are so much better at being cowards and hiding than they are fighting.

But you're right - that phrasology needs some fine-tuning...

 Chavez Blames Pigboy

 Linda Chavez says "talk radio" is what sank Zoe baird in 1992.
 Then she blamed the "politics of personal destruction."
 She says Washington has become a cesspool of revenge.

 Hey, Linder - do you own a mirror?

 When your boys were grabbing for Clinton's cock, why didn't you
 stand up and demand an end to the "politics of personal destruction?"

 When Hardon Kenny denied Monica a lawyer, where were you?
 When Hardon Kenny threw Susan McDougal in prison for being married
  to a guy who once did business with Newt's enemy - where were you?
 When the Whore Court removed Clinton's attorney/client privilege, where were you?

 There's about 300 more of these, so I won't list them all, but Linda, you're lying.
 You thought it was fun as hell - until it came around to your turn.

 Well, you just better learn to eat it with a smile, lady..
 There's a lot more coming, too.

 One down, two to go.
 Next we sink the oil-spiller,
 then we sink Ashcroft.

 Is Colon Powell qualified to be Secretary of State?

 If so, how?
 Cause he wrote a book condemning rich kids for dodging the draft?

 He was a general in the army.
 He was Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.
 So you figure he makes a pretty good soldier.

 Butt like Rush says,
 the job of the army is to blow shit up and kill people.
 How in the hell does that make Powell qualified to be Secretary of State?

 The Secretary of State exists to negotiate with our friends and our foes.
 Powell knows how to negotiate with an army behind him,
 but how will he do when his weapons are words, logic and persuation?

 In other words, why isn't Powell at Defense, instead of State?

 Or is this just another quota appointment?
 Did Smirk offer Powell ANY position he wanted, to get him on the team?


Subject: Pigboy's Lying Website

Two gems on Rushie's site today...

"In 1993, everyone blamed me for Zoe Baird not making it into Clinton's cabinet.
 George Will called me 'the fourth branch of government.'
 If that's true, then Linda Chavez is in, because I confirm her."

Geez, Rush, I guess that makes both you and GeorgeWill liars, doesn't it?

Also, Piggy's stroke must really be affecting him.
Check out these two statements, both on the same page:

"The Congressional Black Caucus can't be happy and
 Democrats like Joe Biden and Bob Kerry must pander to them..."

"The truth is that the liberals are scared to death
 that George W. Bush can win over black voters..."

Which one is it, Rush?

I remain,
Jeff Koenig

 It looks like the "test" didn't work.

 Twenty hours after I set it up, their counter said I had 248 hits in twenty hours, and of those,
 FOUR people bothered to click on the ad, so I have a credit of 68 cents.

 I wrote to the customer service fella, Chet
 and asked if he knew of an answer to the apparent problem.
 His answer?

 Dear BartCop,

 Our reporting system works...
 Maybe your readers aren't being as "loyal" as you think they are...

 Chet, Customer Service

 Boy, I'd like to take Chet hunting sometime...

 The good news?
 I don't have any more traffic troubles, because I only get 248 hits a day!

 Wait - there's more.

 I went to his sign-up site to bitch, and saw he posted a DIFFERENT and POLITE
 answer to my same question.  Check this out:

Defaults are in the rotation as I have said many times before:
Defaults do not count stats.

Hey, Chet, I signed up fucking yesterday.
How should I know the excuse you've been giving the others for screwing them out of their money?
I figure you're counting five percent of the hits.
That means you're paying waaaaaaaaaaay less than a penny per click.
When you tell people "17-25 cents per click" but only pay less than a penny,
 that makes me think you're a crook. (I said so on his forum. Let him sue me)

So you are probably getting some defaults in the rotation mixed in with your ads. Please see:

This is why you have the option to upload your own defaults in place of
our non paying and non stats tracking ones.

As you stated in your email today:
"I wrote yesterday, asking for answers."

I received this email last night California time. Sometimes I wait to I go
back to work the next day to answer emails instead of doing so from home...

I apologize for not responding to your email sooner

Ain't Chet a polite son of a bitch when he knows others are watching?
I went back to his site and threw a Number Six on him.

Hey, Chet!
I have mail problems, too, but I'm not running a huge, money-making business by promising
17-25 cents per click, then claiming ignorance when it comes time to write the check.
Hire some help, tightwad.

I'll bet he's a supply-sider.

 By the way...

 Since Linda Chavez now admits she paid that illegal under the table,
 will she be arrested for tax fraud?

Get Screwed By Website Sponsors

 This is a test
 There's a rumor going around that the company who sponsors this banner will send
 some pennies to  if you click on the banner and allow the page to load fully.
 You certainly don't have to buy anything, and you obviously don't even have to click on it.
  I've gotten mail saying, "I wish I could contribute, but I'm broke."

 This way, (if the ad people are telling the truth) you can contribute just by clicking.

 Turns out - it was a scam.

..Contact Us....................................................................................................................................Make payments with PayPal - it's fast, free and secure!... ...... .......
................................................................................................................................................................POBox 54466.... Tulsa,OK 74155

 Read the  Previous Issue
 It was full of proof that the whore press refuses to print.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.


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