It's a good night to own a VCR.
Click Here to see my Oscar 2001 predictions.
Open Letter to NBC
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
I was shocked and appalled when I turned on my television Sunday
On this, the day of Our Lord, I was shocked to turn on your network and see
two men engage in deviant homosexual sex - right on the TV screen in front of me.
What if my children had been in the room and witnessed this deviancy?
Why do you think Americans want to see Tim Russert perform oral
sex on Tom Delay?
Maybe that's the kind of thing that goes on in New York City, but I'm from Oklahoma,
and I can assure you we do not broadcast deviant homosexual activity on God's airwaves.
I cannot believe that you actually broadcast this vulgarity, and
it won't help to deny it.
Expecting a news program discussing the issues of the tap, I recorded this travesty.
I can only hope my home is not raided by the good men of Tulsa's Vice Squad because
the evidence I have of your criminality could earn me a charge of possession of pornography.
I must close not so as not to be late for church. I will have
to make a special confession,
(even though I made my Holy Confession just last night) because my eyes were burned
by the sight of your employee, Mr Russert, on his knees, bobbing his head up and down
while Mr Delay grunted his gutteral moans of pleasure. More than anything, I was appalled
that while Mr. Russert was breaking the laws of God and man, Mr Delay used Mr Russert's
personal phone to (It sickens me to write the words) conduct his House business while
Mr Russert energetically performed a sex act on mr Delay that is illegal in many states,
but I guess that's the way they do things in New York City.
Do you not have any employees that can control their urges while on the air?
Please consider this letter as notice than neither I nor my family
will watch NBC in the future
until we receive assurances from you that this vulgarity will not be broadcast again.
PO Box 54466
Tulsa, OK 74155
Subject: president select - first pitch
I just heard that Dubya is going to throw out
the 1st pitch at the brand new Milwaukee Brewers
Miller Park on baseball's opening day. How about pointing this out to the good people of the "beer city"
so they can get out in numbers and protest the "village idiot"?
Adam, good idea.
Anyone who can get a poster shown on TV that has the words "Smirk" and "bartcop.com"
will win a bottle of Chinaco Anejo, the liquor Jesus created at Canaan.
(Chinaco is so good, Jesus started doing miracles just to get some.)
Have a friend tape it (I don't get Milwaukee TV) for verification.
If you can get the words
"Smirk" and "bartcop.com" on national TV,
with proof, you'll get a hand-blown bottle of Chinaco, possibly delivered.
(depends on location, we observe all local laws)
If a bunch of people got signs on TV, say at that Milwaukee ball
game, me & Mrs. BartCop
could drive to Milwaukee in her touring sedan and hold a massive Chinaco party.
Halloween in March
Do you realize after Smirk, ...Cheney, and Strom Thurmond
are in line to the presidency?
That's one sharp mind between the three.
Mark my words:
When Cheney has his next heart attack, Stranglin' Strom Thurmond will have "an episode"
and retire so they can get, ...(gasp) ...Denny Hastert ready for the presidency.
They can't let Strom any closer to the Puppet's Chair, so next
time Cheney makes a
funny sound clearing his throat, Thurmond will suddenly have "an episode,"
...and that means...
We're going to get our second, un-elected president in a row.
That's why they installed, against the voter's wishes, a moron
and a dead man.
That means we're not going to get to vote this next election, either.
They want us to get used to the idea of it being their idea.
...and you don't own a gun?
Fox News - Lying to help Smirk
"The stock market visited Bear Country
early in the week,
but managed to claw it's way back by the end of Friday."
-- some ditto-monkette on their cute "Ups and Downs" stock market special.
"Clawed it's way back?"
No, it lost ten percent of it's value this week.
Losing ten percent isn't "clawing back."
It's a huge loss, you idiot.
Why is a "news organization" lying about something that can be measured with numbers?
It happened again!
I was rolling tape - I have the BIG LIE on tape for you.
Look at the TRUTH (the graphic below) while the Fox monkette
about how Dow "clawed it's way back" by the end of the week.
Click Here to hear this
Source: yahoo finance
Do you see any "clawing" there?
Do you see any "clawing back" there?
You see any "miracle turn-around," where they "came back?"
No, you don't.
And you know why you don't?
Cause it didn't fucking happen, that's why.
(homage to Quentin)
...which proves Fox is off on another wild-ass jag away from the truth.
How do these people even stay on the air?
How do they get their license renewed?
Oh, that's right, ...Tony Scalia wants it that way.
Subject: O'Reilly's book
Was in the local Hasting's in Knuckledrag South
today and noticed
Bill O'Reilly's book on the New Fiction rack.
At least the kids working at Hasting's know the truth!
We in Trouble
Granted, bartcop.com is a beacon of optimism, but we also dabble in the truth.
When I say, "We in trouble," I'm not kidding.
We're in so much trouble, I, BartCop, internet funnyman wannabe, seem to know
more about the economy than the Secretary of the Treasury, Paul O'Neill.
The more you know about how little I know about economics, you'd know to be scared.
Paul O'Neill was on the show of this woman:
He said this:
"President Bush's tax plan gives a family of four up to $1600 over a ten year period.
That can be very usefull when making a decision to buy a new car or buy a new house."
Now, I was raised Catholic, so my numbers don't always add up,
but my cypherin' tells me
that $1600 spread out over 120 months comes out to $13 a month.
Thirteen dollars a month?
Why, ...why, ...why it looks like I can buy Mrs. BartCop her Jaguar AND her dream home
$13 a month?
That's seven times smaller than my Dish network bill.
I'm not gonna get to buy shit with my "wondfall."
Meanwhile, Julia Roberts is getting back more than $9000 every day?
Thank you, God, for sending Tony Scalia to fix our presidential
That $13 a month is all anyone could ever ask for in life.
Gee, it's almost like this tax cut isn't fair...
The vast majority of Americans are getting screwed, while the super-rich get richer and richer?
Yes, Virginia, Bill Clinton has left the White House,
and the Reaganite, whites-only, supply-cide jackals have taken complete control.
...but if Congress would just agree to take a look at the BartCop
we could turn Smirk's recession around and maybe afford electricity this summer.
But, no, ...that's not how Tony likes it.
...we in trouble.
Oscar rant will be up before they start.
"The stock market goes up, the stock
market goes down."
-- Paul O'Neill, Smirk's boy at Treasury.
What Secretary O'Neil said is true.
The stock market goes up when Clinton is president,
and it goes down when America has President Brain Fart forced on them.
I didn't get her name, dammit, but Saturday night I saw a lady
(black, 50-ish, attractive, professional)
who Fox News labeled "former press secretary to Jesse Jackson" stab him in the back repeatedly.
I'm making a bit of a leap there, because as smart and savvy as
this lady seemed, she surely knew
what she was doing when she twisted that knife in Jesse's back. Who do democrats keep having
this problem with traitors, cowards and turncoats?
She basically agreed with every wild-ass charge O'Reilly made,
"Journalists are afraid to criticize Jesse because they knows he can scream 'racism'
if anybody says anything ugly about him."
It was the happiest I have ever seen Bill O'Reilly, who's been
gunning for Jesse for a year.
He was so happy, he said "(her name,) I love you - I love you. That's the first (then he caught himself)
...that's the most honest thing anyone has said on this show in a long time."
So we have another Juan Williams on our hands.
Look, I know Jesse isn't a saint.
Christ, these days, who is?
If Jesse did something wrong, he should pay the price.
But O'Reilly is either personally racist or he's being paid to
go after Jesse Jackson.
Like with Clinton (or maybe anybody) if you spend enough money and dig deep enough
you'll eventually find something that'd make a good story that angry white men would like to hear.
Let's look at the scoreboard:
They've ruined (at least temporarily) Bill Clinton's reputation.
To this day, the press is repeating the Hillary bridal shower story that Maureen Dowd fabricated.
Gore was made into the biggest serial liar in history.
Jesse Jackson is teetering on the edge of forever.
Daschle and Gephardt are both wearing pink tutus, so they're obviously no threat to them.
They fucking murdered JFK, RFK and MLK.
Are we even in this game, anymore?
Name an influential and respected Democrat.
Go ahead, I have a few minutes - name one.
And if you say "Rush Feingold," I'm coming to your house.
The whore press has done such an effective job building up that
while demonizing and dehumanizing anybody to the left of Reinhard Heydrich.
...and the fake Democrats are just laying there, watching it happen.
Let's you and me agree on something: The first democrat
who stands up and says,
"We will not take this horseshit one more day," is the guy we look at for 2004.
We had another funeral today.
Went to Arkansas for the memorial service for a really sharp lady named Hazel.
I only met her a couple of times (Mrs. BartCop's family) but she was something.
I met her really late in her life, her late seventies, but boy - she was something.
The first thing you'd notice about Hazel was her vocabulary.
When she told a story, you just wanted her to keep talking.
People don't impress me much, and Hazel was very impressive.
She had spunk, with you don't find much of in old people, which is sad,
because old people have nothing to lose. They don't have to worry about
saying something that might come back to haunt them in the coming decades.
She had that spark in her eye and she was street-smart.
That is soo cool in an old person.
Before Clinton, you didn't know greatness could come from Arkansas.
So, anyway, we go to Fort Smith, Arkansas for her memorial.
First thing, we meet the old-money relatives of Hazel.
They're from Missouri, (home of John Ashcroft.)
So we're sitting down to lunch at the downtown Fort Smith Holiday
which is a nicer place than you might think. It looks a lot like the downtown Houston Hyatt
with the giant Atrium and the waterfalls and the outside elevators,
So we're having our lunch.
Old-money doesn't make me nervous, but they bother me.
I hate to hear the super-rich whine about the cost of yacht insurance.
We ordered our food - I selected the "six layered turkey
figuring that wouldn't piss anybody off too much, right?
(When the sombitch came, three of the six layers were Velveeta.)
I dutifully ate my Velvetta sandwich, when the conversation broke out:
"Clinton is a bad man. He's immoral. I'm glad we now have Smirk in the White House."
As soon as they started, I made myself a deal:
If nobody went totally crazy, I'd let it slide.
Koresh, we're 90 minutes from a funeral - wrong time to make old money eat it.
You've been there a thousand times, right?
Some asshole is working on your last nerve, and you tell yourself,
"If he says one more thing, I'm gonna launch."
I don't mean to brag, but my launch sequence is shorter than some.
I thought, things being what they are, that I showed incredible restraint.
I told myself if anybody looks at me and says, "Don't
or "What's your opinion?" that I'd go ahead and give them some BartCop magic.
I was ready, too.
Eight years of peace and prosperity. Abortions down, crime down, drug use down,
wages up, savings up, stock market thru the goddamn roof, and on and on.
I was ready.
Well, the Lord was kind to them, because they never took my silent dare.
I kept the BartCop beast in the cage the entire lunch.
The memorial was held inside a mausoleum., if you can believe
The room was 24x40 and there were about 60 chairs.
The dead were in front of us, to our left, to our right and behind us
I thought a mausoleum was a small, free-standing dedicated crypt-holder,
but no, this was a chapel where the walls were the remains of others.
Did I mention it was creepy?
Besides the minister, three people spoke.
One of those people was a politician, and he did the coolest thing.
He said, "Hazel always loved flowers, and I wanted to bring her a rose today.
But one rose wouldn't do it,"
I'm thinking, - what, you brought hundreds of roses to show how
much money you have?
But no, that's not what he did.
He described Hazel as a woman of "many, many accomplishments," which she was.
So he reached into his jacket and pulled out a plastic bag full of rose petals.
He said, "I brought a rose petal for every great thing Hazel ever did."
He reached into this bag of rose petals, grabbed a big handful
and threw them into the air and said,
"Each of those petals represents a life she touched or a great accomplishment."
It was damn effective.
I wish I would've had a chance to talk to Hazel one-on-one.
She was sharper than a tack, but she was Mrs. BartCop's uncle's cousin,
so my pipeline wasn't very direct, but she was a wordsmith with strong opinions.
I regret the lost opportunity.
So, that was my Saturday, and that's why this issue is short.
Subject: The Worst President Ever
Damn, bc... every day this clown does something stupid.
CO2. Arsenic. North Korea. "Hispanically"...
the list goes on and on.
And fking "A" Bart, and it's only been three months!
I know I'm preaching to the choir, but I don't
I'm overstating things when I brand Smirky: "The Worst President Ever"
I may be the first, but damn... I won't be the last.
I know this looks like a set-up, but it's not.
That Lady Judas rant, above?
I did that from memory, but later I discovered I was rolling
I have the offending passage recorded.
This lady, her name is DelMarie Cobb, was Jesse's former press secretary.
Listen to her feed O'Reilly's racial vendetta against Jesse.
Listen to her point O'Reilly to a sturdy branch he could use to lynch Jesse Jackson.
Listen to her sit silent as O'Reilly attacks Jesse for playing the race card.
Listen to O'Reilly declare his lover for her - for stabbing Jesse in the back.
Listen to the cock crowing three times in the distance.
I don't know about you, but I get depressed when I hear this shit.
Uncle Ernie - your mailbox isn't accepting mail.
Journalist Rowland Evans Dies at Age 79
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Veteran journalist
and CNN host Rowland Evans died Friday
at Georgetown University Hospital after a long battle with cancer. He was 79.
Evans was a co-host of CNN's Evans and Novak discussion program for almost 20 years.
I don't think I ever saw Rollie Evans giggling while doing a story
on Clinton's cock.
Right away, that makes him one of the best reporters in the country.
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001, bartcop.com
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.