What was I thinking?
I should have shown these pictures before
See how much they look alike?
You probably thought I was kidding...
Did anybody see Paul McKenna on Howard Stern's E! show last night?
is the best hypnotist in the world.
This guy is as real as Robbie Kneivel.
I've never seen anybody this good before.
He hypnotized Fred and it was the funniest thing I've seen in
a long time.
First, they told Fred that he and Robin were long-time lovers.
So Fred wakes up "knowing" he's got Robin in his bed tonight.
Then Howard tells Fred he's been screwing Robin behind his back
for twenty years - and Robin confirms it!
Fred was crushed and enraged and everything - it was so real!
Then they put him back to sleep, and when he wakes up HE is Howard
and Howard is really Fred. So Fred takes on Howard's personna and starts
whining that the staff wasn't doing enough to help the talented star.
This was killer comedy!
He was on Stern a couple of years ago with some girls from Scores.
He hypnotized the girls and told them they would have a very powerful orgasm
whenever Howard pressed a toy buzzer in his hand.
Well, you know how Howard is.
He was pressing the button faster than Smirk on a Game Boy.
The girls were having repeating, non-stop orgasms. Howard kept pressing the button,
so they ended up rolling around and holding themselves "down there."
I know it doesn't sound very funny in print, but it was probably
the most fun I've ever
seen Howard have on his radio show.
...and don't think for a second this stuff was fake.
I'm sure there are fakers, but not this guy.
As talented as Stern's staff is, there's no way they could fake the enthusiasm.
When Fred thought he was Jackie, his accent changed, his facial expressions changed,
his demeanor changes entirely. Robin and Howard were cutting each other off,
competing to get "Jackie's attention so they could ask him questions.
I saw this Paul McKenna do a third Stern show.
They had on some homeless people, street people, whatever, and Paul told them they
were back in a previous life. One by one, these strangers talked about being in the
Civil War and Howard and Robin were asking questions about their lives.
You could tell they weren't faking. Their minds just assumed a different identity
and they answered questions like it was a real memory.
Remember that name - Paul McKenna.
He's the Jimmy Page of hypnotism.
'Sopranos' Sued Over Offensiveness
CHICAGO (AP) - An Italian-American organization on Thursday sued
the makers of the HBO television series ``The Sopranos,'' charging the
program wrongly portrays most of the ethnic group as mobsters.
The American Italian Defense Association is not seeking monetary
damages or cancellation of the cable series, but wants a jury to declare
that the show offends the dignity of Italian-Americans, attorney Enrico
HBO responded, saying the company was ``very proud of 'The Sopranos.'
We're hardly alone in our assessment that the show is an extraordinary artistic achievement.''
The group is suing Time Warner Entertainment Co. under the ``individual
dignity'' clause of the Illinois Constitution.
A bored little boy and his sleepy friend.
Subject: Saw this in the Reagan Room
BartCop proves his Ignorance: by SaveFarris (login SaveFarris)
Bartcop starts off his morning update with
a "revelation" about how one of the guys
in Bruce Springstein's band is a "Dead Ringer" for one of the actors on The Sopranos.
Poor Ignorant Bartcop.
Even a casual fan of The Sopranos knows that
the Silvio Dante character is
played by none other than E-Street Guitarist "Li'l" Stevie Van Zandt.
Bartcop, you're a fool!!!
Respond to this message
Jerky (login JerkyLeBoeuf)
Know what that was?
That was the sound of a joke going right over
By the end of the day, we may break the penicillin record for most replies.
BTW, where is this "Reagan Room?"
Maybe I could show up there and find a debater?
Subject: My take on 'That's My Bush'
Was it stupid? Yes.
Was it lame? Yes.
But I loved it for one reason alone: it portrayed the chimpster as a complete and total idiot.
Although the rest of the world seems painfullyaware of monkey-boy's stupidity,
it seems like it hasn't really sunk in around here.
I gotta go, my peanut butter and bacon sandwich is getting cold.
Elvis - you're alive!
Where have you been?
(I did that so the doublegated half-nuts at the Reagan Room can say,
"BartCop is so ignorant, he thinks Elvis wrote to him") snicker
You have a good point, and it just dawned on me:
That show can never be funny because it's the truth.
You can't parody someone as stupid as Smirk.
It's like the "I want more arsenic in water"
How can I make fun of that?
It's so goddamn stupid to begin with, you can't make it more absurd.
Remember when SNL did the skit about how sharp Reagan was, and how he
was running the Iran-Contra operation like he actually had a brain in his head?
That was funny, because the idea was so outrageous.
Reagan, with a brain?
DeLay Off The Hook
"House Democrats settled their racketeering
suit against Tom DeLay (R-Bug Man)
and three affiliated political groups Thursday, reaching an agreement that left
both sides declaring victory," the Washington Post reports.
Yep, that's my Democratic Party
...I need a drink.
...ain't that the truth?
Aries II Down: Another
Technology Transfer to China
by Al Martin
Click Here for the original
Click Here for the forever version.
This is a very explosive column by a serious journalist.
Al Martin says the fix is in.
Whoever was in charge of the aircraft command must have been in on it.
Otherwise they would not have had the authority to circumvent the protocols,
unless directly ordered to do so. The aircraft then would either be in pieces and
the crew would be floating in life rafts. Or they would all be dead.
By the way, the military designation of
the EP-3E Aries II aircraft is high enough
that all crew members carry cyanide capsules. They must not fall into enemy hands
for interrogation. And that is precisely where they are at this moment.
Bottom line, he seems to be saying Smirk and weapons bilding buddies
can't make any
serious money if we don't have a boogeyman threatening America's existence.
So, let's create one.
We know Russia is a financial joke, so let's make China today's boogeyman.
By Steve Kettmann
If Bush ends up apologizing to China, many in Europe will privately be cheering the American comeuppance.
Even as the potentially explosive situation has
dragged on, and reaction in official Washington has been generally
supportive of Bush and his foreign-policy team, there has been a notable lack of support from European leaders.
That silence should not be ignored.
It reflects genuine alarm over what is seen as
a revival of Reagan-style unilateralism and high-handedness.
No one should make the mistake, that is, of taking the new European anti-Americanism as the simple,
shallow, knee-jerk sentiment of past years. This is something potentially more serious.
"The Americans and the Chinese are playing Cold
War with each other, which is very strange," Dominique Moisi,
a French political analyst, told the New York Times this week. "No one wants to support the Chinese. But they don't
want to encourage the United States either. The silence is partly a measure of indifference and partly a measure
of the embarrassment of the diplomatic elite."
This sounds like a Rushlie, but I thought of the same thing days ago.
Where are our allies on this?
Why do we have no friends on this "standoff?"
If I was Smirk (and this wasn't the handjob Al Martin says it is)
I'd demand that any country
who wants to see another nickel from the US better get loud and on our side pretty goddamn quick.
Our allies must think this is some stupid play by Smirk to look "in change," and he's bungling it.
Subject: Goodbye bartcop
I'm scattering now and fleeing your website after
the directive from the ditto monkey God, Lanny.
I'm afraid I might be turned into a pillar of salt if I stayed here among the VAST left wing socialists
who have such deep pockets.
I knew you were being funded by Buddhist monks and Mark Rich !
New York, New York
From: Deja User
Subject: The Bush Miracle
I firmly believe that the biggest sham committed
by the Bush Administration is the constant whining about
the condition of the economy. It's just a big setup for the "recovery" we'll experience by the end of the year.
The truth is that there's nothing to "recover" from.
Make no mistake about it, the Republicans are
experts at public deception.
They will be calling it the "Bush Miracle" by the end of the year if we don't get outfront on this issue.
Jim, good point,
When the economy starts roaring again, the BIG Republican LIE will be that
"only Smirk could've pulled it off this amazing comeback."
As you can probably tell from my writing style and my attention
span, I grew up on comic books.
My dad was a journalist, so he had printing contacts, and now & then he'd bring home a bundle
of comics fresh off the presses from "Oscar the printer."
There were all kinds of comics - Little Lulu, Baby Huey, Archie,
Sgt Rock and Men at War,
True Love comics (my sister liked those) and then there were the good ones, Superman and Batman.
One of the most common themes in the science fiction comics was
the theory that everyone on earth
has an exact double. Of course, I always thought this wasn't true. I thought they just used that as
an excuse to have someone that looked "just like" Clark Kent or Bruce wayne in the story.
Well, I'm here to tell you it's NOT a gag, after all, which takes
us to an HBO promo I saw while
waiting for The Sopranos to come on. It was a promo for an upcoming Bruce Springsteen concert.
I've always KINDA liked Bruce Springsteen, but I could never get
INSIDE his music like I have
for so many other bands. In 1979, I was learning the finance business and the guy at the next desk
was a Springsteen freak!
He lived and breathed Sprinsteen, and I tried to get enthused,
but I just couldn't find that spark
that I'd gotten from Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Yes, Zappa, The Clash and a dozen others.
Of course, I thought "Born to Run" was one of the best songs I'd ever heard,
but it seemed to be all alone - and I wanted more.
Anyway, back to the story...
So I'm waiting for the Sopranos to come on, and I see this promo
for an upcoming Springsteen concert
- and I Swear to Koresh - there's a guy in Springsteen's band who looks exactly like Silvio on The Sopranos.
I'm not talking about "similar."
I'm not talking about bearing a "strong resemblence."
This guy is a dead f-ing ringer for Silvio.
I couldn't believe my eyes - a dead ringer.
If Silvio was unavailable, this guy could replace him and nobody
would know! Sure, they'd have to
give him a wig to wear, but the it's uncanny how much this guitar player looks exactly like Silvio.
...so the comic books were right!
Everyone does have an exact double.
Subject: You got creamed in the debate you liar!
BartCop The Weasel,
You are ridiculous you liar BartCop!
Will Commer sent out the real transcript to about a thousand of us in
a bunch of organizations and it is not like the one you published
on your lying website, you creepy Clintonite lying son-of-a-bitch.
I think someone forgot to take their Ritalin.
If you check the intro to my debate posts, you'll see I said I only had two chunks.
Dimwit that I am, the only way I know to grab a copy is to copy and paste,
but if someone types before the long copying process is complete, it doesn't work.
So if Will has a complete copy of the debate, it's "different" in that it's longer.
You are really a prick aren't you? Funded by the Democrat Party.
My enemies continue to heap praise on me in mass quantities..
The Treehouse is such a combination of web-savvy high-tech and high-brow ideas
that it could only be funded by Terry McAuliffe and the deep-pockets DNC.
Seriously, nobody has ever been as complimentary to me as you and your friend Will.
You ran out of the chat room when Will Commer nailed your ass to the wall.
You mean when my computer crashed?
If I remember, Christianal also had a crash during the debate.
Was she scared, too?
As far as Will "nailing my ass to the wall," was that in the transcript Will sent you?
I gotta get a copy of that version.
Y'know, we could arrange another beating for Will,
but I'd want him to promise
he's not going to describe his feelings when raping Bill Clinton.
We kicked him from the post debate for being such a no-class retard,
but if he promises to behave, I could find the time to school the young boy again.
Do you think we believe you run a $50,000+ website for fun without help?
My head is swelling up bigger than Dan Burton's watermelon.
Oh, this one's going in the archives for sure.
My $50,000 web site?
Wanna buy it for $30,000?
It explains a lot when you know McAuliffe fund raises to help you and the other front organizations for the DNC.
You are no different from AARP, NAACP, NOW, Rainbow/PUSH,
ACLU, ABA or any other front
organization for the Democratic Socialists of America (DSA), another front organization for the DNC
headed by Bernie Sanders and 53 other Democrats in the House who admit to being Socialists.
I'm 47, white, male, white, I'm not a lawyer, not a lawyer and I've never heard of Bernie Sanders.
Other than that, you hit the nail on the head.
Look it up on the Internet.
What is it, over 200 front organizations operating in behalf of the Socialists
I dare you to print this and watch your readers
Lanny, I gotta thank you for a truly inspirational letter.
My readers don't ever send mail this good.
I will always, always remember your letter.
Years from now, when someone writes and says,
"Hey Bart, remember that ditto-monkey said your $50,000 site was so slick
it must be funded by the deep-pocket boys at the DNC?"
I'll know exactly what he's talking about.
...and get me a copy of the "real" transcript, would you?
It'd be fun to read a Bizarro version of the debate.
Reviews of 'That's My Bush' from the South park newsgroup
This show is LAME, So LAME,
I'm talking Night court in the 5th season LAAAAAAME!
This sucks, this stinks on ice, this is
the most NOT funny piece of crap
I have endured in a long time. I won't sit through another episode.
Hate to say it, but I agree.
I smiled once; when the mariachi band came in
theme from Sanford and Son.
The rest...*shiver*. Extremely unfunny.
Trey and Matt claimed TMB 's purpose is to mock sitcoms.
It failed supremely.
In fact, they managed to write the very reason why I stopped watching
sitcoms many years ago; they wrote a standard sitcom.
I wish my satellite system had a Plonk feature...
That way I'd never run the risk of accidentally
that piece of shit 'That's My Bush' again.
I don't see how a sitcom mocking sitcoms can be
funny for more than
one episode before the joke gets tired, even if the hook IS the president.
I didn't laugh once in the whole thing...
And to reply to the post that started this thread.
This show has nothing to do
with any "Pro-Clinton" agenda. The show was planned long before the new
president was elected. In fact, I read that Matt and Trey lightened the tone
of the show significantly after Bush was elected. This might have something
to do with their rumored Republican leanings...
They got Dennis Miller.
They got Dennis Hopper.
They got Matt & Trey, too?
Is nobody safe?
Subject: Are we ripping off your stuff?
Saw the link to The Supremos on your site today,
and the headline
"I've always said I don't mind others borrowing from bartcop.com"
If we're accidentally plagiarizing you, please
understand that we get almost
all of our content from outside contributors and usually don't know where else they send it.
If we're using stuff that you've already used, it's not our intent.
Please let us know and we'll stop doing it.
PS. Thanks for the link anyway!
No, no, no, no, no.
That was a joke that didn't quite take flight.
Here's what happened:
A week or two ago, I made the mental connection between Tony Scalia and Tony Soprano.
I sent that idea to a graphics guy (whatever the term) and asked him to put
Tony Soprano on the SC with the other eight judges, with a caption something like,
"Tony always gets what he wants."
He sent back a most-excellent graphic with "The Supremos"
which is a better joke than the one I suggested.
Then yesterday, someone sent me your "Supremos Part 5," which
HAS to pre-date my idea I had since your guy is on Part 5.
In my own head, the joke was that both sides thought of the "Tony
Supremo" idea independently.
I didn't steal my idea from you guys, and you couldn't have stolen it from me if your guy is already on Part 5.
This is my fault.
I knew the joke wasn't working when I saw it on the page, but I'm having lots of FTP
problems and can only post stuff a couple of times a day, instead of the usual 20
So, big time mea culpa from me, if you know your Latin.
You guys do a great job, I've been a fan since I saw your banner on ABC the day of the nonaugural.
Keep on keepin' on,
The Spy Plane
I think I've figured out what's been bugging me about the spy plane:
IF our plane did nothing wrong,
IF our plane was safely over international waters,
IF our plane was chased and bumped by a Chinese fighter,
...why are we expressing regret for the pilot and begging for our plane?
If we're innocent, and China is the aggressor, where's the outrage?
If our Failure in Thief was acting like we were innocent,
it would be a different story.
But he's acting like some kid whose baseball flew into the backyard of a neighbor with a mean dog.
Smirk's trying to sell America the story that the mean dog came
into HIS yard.
If that's what really happened, where's the f-ing outrage?
Why are expressing regret for their cowboy pilot's illegal attack?
Smirk's trying to sell us that story, but his actions are more like:
"Can I please have my ball back, Mister?
You've had it for five days now. Can't I please have my ball?"
We've never had a president this weak.
Canadian PM lets loose on `cowboy'
Complains U.S. leader `naive and ignorant' of Canada
by Tim Harper - Ottawa Bureau Chief
Chretien warned MPs he is dealing with a new American administration that is largely ignorant of Canada.
No, Sir, that's incorrect.
The administration is probably very intelligent.
It's just the Failure in Thief who's a complete moron.
Subject: Gays and creativity/intelligence
Hey. Bart - just thought I'd contribute my two cents:
As a gay man who happens to be a professional
as well as one who is starting law school in the fall, I feel
I can speak to the issue of gays and intelligence/creativity.
My theory (and this is just a theory) is that
gay kids growing up
face a society that tells them (in ways both subtle and not-so-subtle)
that they are second-class citizens, threats to traditional values,
wicked, sinful, etc ...so to compensate they tend to work harder,
study harder, and learn to gain approval from their peers and
parents through performing and creative endeavors and such.
This is mostly on a subconscious level - seeking
approval and love from a society
they feel won't give it to them for just being themselves.
As for me personally, I feel that whatever creativity
I may possess is largely the product of genes and a solid middle-class
upbringing that placed a high premium on education.
My sexual orientation? 99 percent genetic,
My brother's gay too, and several cousins of mine on both sides of the family.
Your last paragraph seems to undercut the previous ones.
My wild guess is the creativity gene is connected to, or part of, the gay gene,.
like redheaded women having a wicked temper.
I don't think a person could "learn" to be gifted.
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.