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Volume 889 - Still President


Thursday   Sept 12, 2002
 VCR Alert - Tonight's C.S.I.  is the one that caused the heat.  The best scene is where the dominatrix
  tries to explain to Marg why men want to be overpowered, and Marg says something like, "Tell me, I was a stripper."
  If you have grandparents or Boy Scouts over, you may want another program, cause this is hot stuff.

 Dueling Quotes

"They pulled it closed and screamed at me and said, "We're closed,'
  People are still arriving, trying to vote. I feel terrible."
   -- Lori Duffy, 37, a Florida resident who tried to vote at 7 p.m.
      Jeb ordered the polls to stay open until 9 after "voting irregularities" occured

"What is it with Democrats having a hard time voting -- I don't know,"
   -- Gov Bush (Florida) who thinks the right to vote is a joke
       With the press on the B.F.E.E. payroll, I'll bet he gets away with it.

 Full, sad story

 Big Dog on Dave last night
  I didn't know - did you know?

 I taped the last 15 minutes or so, but damn, what a performance!
 Dave peppered Bill about bin Laden, the Middle East, September 11th, pollution,
 solar energy, Dubai economic zones, electronic cars  ...and you know Clinton!

 Clinton was sharper than Spock and Data put together.
 Every question, Bill would rattle off a list of good news and bad news, then explained
 why they were good or bad, then listed the people who he thought could do the job,
 along with the pluses and pitfalls of each option, and what the odds were of success.

 ha ha

 He did that with every damn question, and there were what, 8-10 questions?

 Jesus, that was impressive.
 He was counting options on his fingers and he was correcting Dave's imprecise questions.
 He kept saying, "The short answer is yes," or "no," for the simps who can't remember much.
 After one displaying particularly intimate details about some complicated subject, Dave said,
 "I think you're still the president."

 <big round of clapping and hooting>

 Call me psychic, but I think what Dave wanted to say was "I wish you were president now."
 You can say I'm wrong, but "still the president" doesn't make sense and it wasn't funny.
 I think that was his fall back line when he realized he was about to undermine Bush with a big
 no-confidence vote.

 Towards the end of the second segment, Clinton was finishing a long, detailed answer, Dave said,
 "We're going to take a quick break - why don't you
   sit there and try to think of something to say."

 That was another compliment.
 He knows President Pinhead couldn't give detailed answers if he had weeks to study them.

 Dave was getting some of that Clinton charm.
 If Clinton was a car salesman, Dave would've bought the whole fleet.
 They've met once briefly, Dave said, but this was their first real conversation.
 I think this was Dave's first time under that Clinton Magic.
 Oh, that stuff comes right thru the TV, Mrs. Bart says.

 After Bill left, Dave looked at Paul and said, "How dumb did I look?"
 Hey, don't feel bad, Dave.  Bush couldn't follow him, either.
 The only one who understood everything he said was Hillary.

 I think America was reminded tonight how good we used to have it.
 We can't help but compare the Master to the Crooked Buffoon.

 Yeah, back when out votes counted, we elected the brightest minds.


    ....we have the dimmest son of a crooked former president.


 Report: Reeve Regains Some Movement

  Click  Here

 Christopher Reeve has regained some movement and sensation in his hands and feet,
 seven years after the horse-riding accident, one of his doctors said Tuesday.

 The "Superman" star also can breathe on his own for about an hour at a time,
 said Dr. John McDonald, a neurologist who has been treating Reeve.

 Thou Shalt Not Steal

  Click  Here

 George and his friends are planning to steal everything they have anyway.
 They now have a choice, turn out their pockets, or fight back.
 Perhaps it is time to turn off the world’s oil spigot."

 The Best Memorial: Genuine Freedom
    by Joe Conason

   Click  Here

"Among the most vexing questions confronted this year by New Yorkers and all Americans
 is how best to honor the memory of our dead. To build a concrete monument, while
 surrendering Constitutional freedom and democratic order, will do them no honor at all."


"We've lost a great deal during the past year. For one thing, the September 11 attacks
  became a pretend president's pretext to eviscerate the First Amendment and other basic rights.
  Stifling even the slightest whimpers of dissent may end up killing the two-party political system,
  long crippled and ineffectual, once and for all."
          --Ted Rall, 9-11 scorecard, yahoo.com

 The United States of America is a Threat to World Peace
   by Nelson Mandela

  Click  Here

 Q:  I gather you are particularly concerned about Vice President Cheney?

 A:  Well, there is no doubt. He opposed the decision to release me from prison (laughs).
       The majority of the U.S. Congress was in favor of my release, and he opposed it.
       But it’s not because of that. Quite clearly we are dealing with an arch-conservative in Dick Cheney.

 Poor Vic the Racist
  He was made to eat it again.

  Click  Here

 I counted 57 hours of prime time 9-11 TV coverage yesterday.
 How nice that the networks can make a profit that way.

 The only safety we could find was found in a DVD player, and boy, was it nice.

 Click  Here  to see what happened at BartCop Manor last night. 

  Guess who said it?

"I wish one of you guys has children,
  so I could kick them in the head
  or stomp on their testicles
  so you could feel my pain."

 Now - guess who said it?

 A. Mike Tyson

 B. George W. Bush

your guess with "A" or "B" in the header

 (Do you have a "Guess who said it?" quote to send in?
  Send us your quotes, and who might've said them,
  but they have to be sound-alikes, like Smirk & Tyson.)

 Subject: You're wrong!

 You always say, "There is no Heaven or Hell, that's just superstitious nonsense
 created by the churches to separate scared people from their hard-earned money."

 You're wrong, am I'm sure, because the Devil has been raping my sore ass every day
 since about noon on September 11th, 2001.  My sore ass hurts like hell, and I'm not joking.
 The Devil whispers in my ear, "You're my kind of guy, Muhammed," as he rapes me.
 I am not at all happy with my current position down here.

 Muhammed Atta

My ass hurts.

 Hey, Mo!
 How about some Louisiana Hot Sauce for your sore ass?


"You can hardly point to a cataclysmic event in our history, whether it was the sinking
  of the Titanic, the Pearl Harbor attack, the Kennedy assassination, when a blue-ribbon
  panel did not set out to establish the facts and, where appropriate, suggest reforms.
  That has not happened here."
    -- John F. Timoney, former senior police commander in New York;

 Well of course we can't investigate!

 If we knew the truth, it would destroy the plans the B.F.E.E. has to control us.
 If America ever found out what Reagan and Bush did in the 80's and what Bunnypants
 has done since The Theft, they'd have to rename all those schools and airports,
 and the GOP's new candidate for sainthood would default back to ...Gerald Ford..

 Hitler, Saddam, bin Laden, Hezzbollah Noriega, the Ayatollah - all of that must remain hidden
 so we can scream "traitor" at Bill Clinton for nearly having sexual relations with Monica

 RE: The real terrorists
      by Gary Aldrich

(Note: They are, of course, Bill and Hillary Clinton.)

  Click  Here to read the ditto-monkey accusation

  Excerpt from the rebuttal:
 4. That Orin Hatch claimed during the debate on the Terrorist Bill, "Terrorism is not an Issue in this Country."
 5. That Trent Lott claimed during the debate on the Terrorist Bill, "Terrorism is not an issue in this Country."

 One thing?

 If you've never read "How to get your book published," it's one of the few
 bits I'm proud of, from waaaaaay back in Volume 44 - Wanna Sell a Book?

 Click  Here

 Echo of the Bullhorn
   by Maureen Dowd  - She hates everybody, this time it's Dim Son

   Click  Here

 As the East Coast grew more rattled, veering between the sad, endless loop of
 Al Qaeda's past depredations and the scary, endless loop of Al Qaeda's future
 machinations, Mr. Bush seemed calm, confident.

 The first President Bush has told people lately how impressed he is that his son
 goes to bed every night without a worry in his head.

 Should the nation really take comfort in this fact?

 Evening dramas unhook viewers
     by Gary Levin USA TODAY

  Click  Here

 The days of Dallas and Dynasty, two of the most popular 1980s dramas, are long gone.
 With more viewing choices, fans can no longer be counted on to obsess over who shot J.R.
 or what evil plan has been hatched by Alexis. A study by Initiative Media says fewer than
 40% of today's drama viewers see even two of three consecutive episodes.

 Despite HBO's success with The Sopranos (which returns Sunday) and Six Feet Under,
 which have hooked viewers with soap-style story lines, the major networks are mostly
 steering clear of developing such shows.

 Now I'm getting pissed off.
 You guys are so damn sophisticated, you can't see the obvious.

 What's the difference between The Sopranos and a serialized broadcast network show?

 I'll tell you:
 HBO doesn't screw their customers most of the time.

 You idiots who run networks must hate your audience, the way you treat them.
 Jesus, if you ever find time to run a new episode, you're forced to scream "All New,"
 or otherwise we'll just assume you're screwing us with another out-of-sequence repeat.

 In the last few years, has any broadcast network ever run five new episodes in a row?
 HBO does it all the damn time - they respect their audience. People will postpone their wedding
 or their vacation so as not to miss the next installment of The Sopranos, but with broadcast TV,
 you KNOW you're gonna get screwed by the network - it's a guarantee.

 There are 52 weeks in a year, and they shoot what, 20-22 episodes?
 That's a sixty percent "screw you" rate, and people won't stand for it.

 And the lame, out of sequence reruns they give us? The ones where they get married on
 the seventh and then he proposes to her on the 14th? Hey, screw you, broadcast networks!
 If you guy can't figure out how to number your prints, just drive off a cliff, OK?

 The out of sequence reruns aren't even the worst of it.
 The worst part is the "specials" they give us that we hate.

 "Tonight's Law & Order won't be seen because we're bringing you women's basketball, instead."
 "Tonight's West Wing won't be seen because we're bringing you "Miracle on Ice," with Tanya Harding.
 "Tonight's ER won't be seen because we're bringing you a tour of Kathy's Lee's kids' rooms."
 "Tonight's Alias won't be seen because we're bringing you a Julie Roberts movie, instead"

 This is why nobody will invest their time in a serialized show - because it'll be months between
 "Will you marry me?" and finding out what the damn answer was.

 So stop blaming the internet, and stop blaming the attention span of the viewer.
 Treat us like we're paying your salary ...or ...we'll leave you altogether.

 By Koresh, someday someone will give me $10,000 a week
 and I'll produce and deliver BartCop TV, and it'll be new and different
 and refreshing and we'll see how much a big, bloated network is needed.

 Subject: Thank You

 Koresh bless you, you are doing Koresh's work.
 It is going to be so hard to get through [the 11th] watching the
 worthless weenies whine and pump up the SC blessed fraud.

 Every time I see that asshole I see a bucket of blood washing over him, the blood of people
 who counted on him to protect them.  I am so ashamed and embarrassed for our country.

 Thank you for being there.  Thank you for speaking out.
 We are not a nation of worthless, whining, idiots.
 They are in power but the wheel is turning and we will recover our soul.
 Thank you for everything you do.
 And thank you for getting me through the next 24 hours.


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 The illegal President Monkey in a Man Suit needs to be stopped.

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Woo Hoo!

 The American Press - 'Demented Caesarism'
     by Mark Crispin Miller     author of  The Bush Dyslexicon

   Click  Here

 As they repackage the catastrophe as tearful patriotic super-spectacle, the journalists persist
 in not reporting any aspect of the story that might somehow spoil the solemn mood of awesome
 ceremonial that both the White House and the media's parent companies have planned for us.
 And so George W. Bush will come and flex his gravitas before the cameras, with certain
 "heroes of 9/11" at his side - and most of those Americans who watch won't even know,
 or won't recall, that this same president, abetted by Dick Cheney, has done everything he can
 to thwart a full inquiry into how and why that worst of crimes occurred.

 Nor will they know that Bush just cut the funding to monitor the health of
 9/11's rescue workers, all of whom were long and heavily exposed to many toxins.

Hi, I'm John Fund.
I beat women - got any?


"When that many people are turned away from the polls, it raises enough concerns
  that we're going to have to take a good, hard look at the legitimacy of the election."
    -- Janet Reno's campaign manager Mo Elleithee.

 Jeb, what do you have against democracy?
 What's wrong with the people having a say, Jeb?
 You afraid the blacks might vote against the B.F.E.E.?

Subject: Your New York Trip

Dear Bartcop,

As a new devotee, I have only recently begun (began?) to enjoy your rants and humor.
Today's page was especially good not only because it focused on New York in a positive way
(well, so far--I've only read about 75% of the first NY trip page; I guess it could go terribly wrong at any moment)

ha ha
Yes, a lot of my writing ends up that way :)

...but because I had a lot of the same experiences when I went to NY.  I'm from the purported hometown
of W  (Midland, except I'm really from there and I wasn't even born in the US) and I had never been anywhere
big in my life.  For my honeymoon, I chose to go to NY and, like you, I was totally unprepared for the amount
of legwork involved in "sightseeing."  But I loved the city and we did a lot of the same things you did.
The Guggenheim was even closed the day we went.  Anyway, thought I'd drop you a line...

Keep up the good work.


Thanks for that.

 An Election Year Carnival Game
      by Gene Lyons

  Click  Here

 Republicans decided to solve the problem by lying.
 First, they changed the buzzword for the same crackpot idea to "personal accounts."
 Then they blamed the imaginary left-wing media.


 Click  Here  to see the BartFest Webcam.    It's GREAT at night!


 Someone suggested the reason Californians are outnumbered by people from the
 East Coast is that they don't know how to get to Las Vegas, so I thought I'd help out:

Directions: Take I-15, then left at Flamingo

 Click  Here  for the latest BartFest update.

 Also, some people paid for their BartFest tickets by snail mail
 and didn't include their e-mail address on their check.
 We have important updates, so we need to hear from you.

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