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America where are you now?
Don't you care about your sons and daughters?
Don't you know we need you now?
We can't fight alone against this monster...
Show 29 is up and it's very big
1264 - Bart's Big Lie
Monday March 1, 2004
If you have some hard liquor nearby, shoot three big ones first - then
this - from Friday, February 13th?
> I'm fine,
no need to call for any details because there aren't any.
That was a lie - I'm not fine.
Truth is, I have untreatable cancer - that's the bad news.
The good news is, I'm going to be here for the 2004 election and
I'm going to be here for the 2008 election and ...and
Since I'm 50, this isn't the same crushing blow it would be if I was
Hey, smoke one - drink one...
Take some deep breaths - we're all going to make it thru this,
with a passing acquaintance with logic knows that nobody lives forever.
Why did I lie?
Stupidly, (and this is not what a smart gambler would
do) I assumed things would be OK,
I've lived a charmed life for 50 years, so I figured there was no
reason for my luck to change.
So I announced to dozens of people that I was going to the doctor
on Friday the 13th.
When I was in the ER 15 days earlier, I was dizzier
than Jessica Simpson on Cuervo and the doctors
told me I had a problem and that it might
be cancer. Then I thought I heard another doctor say
in a ton of trouble, so, in my dizzy state,
I thought I had maybe 3 months to live.
So when the specialist told me I have a decade
or more to go, I felt like Superman.
When Dr Laura came in to tell us the news, I
what do I have?" ...and he didn't answer.
He started with the "get to know you" small talk,
which I've always hated. He asked me about my
hobbies and my job and stuff. When I told him
I was a comedian, he got all sparkly and cheery,
be he still wouldn't tell me what I had,
so I asked him again.
Instead of answering, he asked if I had a church
group or close family and friends nearby,
and I don't remember what words I used, but I
basically told him that it was time to cut the
chit-chat or we were going to be wrestling on
the floor in the next few seconds.
Finally, he said, "You have a very scary sounding
but if you have to have untreatable
cancer, this is the kind you want."
What a stupid thing to say.
On the way home from the doctor, all I could think was what to say on
That Friday the 13th, dozens of people wrote to ask, "So,
how did the Doctor visit go?"
With no time and no other options popping into my head,
I took the coward's way out and lied.
I knew if I told the truth, people might take an hour to write a long
e-mail that would include:
How sorry they were for me,
Their experience or their family's
experience with cancer,
All the details about their
symptoms and procedures and surgeries
Talk about support groups, therapy
and online chat rooms
That would only make it harder for me to deal with this.
I have no symptoms, I may go years without any symptoms.
There's no reason to get into any of that.
Besides, cancer can blow me.
I could still beat this.
I would enjoy adding cancer to my list of victims.
Y'know those seven stages of grief you're supposed to go thru?
I don't intend to go thru any of them.
I'm 50 and I have a great time every day and that's not going
True, my peach truck has arrived, but instead of running a red light
and killing me two weeks ago,
it merely served notice that it I have a decade or more to enjoy before
I can live with that, and that means you can live with that.
I really don't want to swap cancer stories with anybody.
You might think I'm in denial, but I'm going to handle this MY way,
and I'm asking you to respect that.
I'm the one with the cancer, not you, and if you have it, please
don't tell me about it.
There's no reason for me to take all of you with me on this ride - that
would be crazy.
If something particularly funny happens, I'll mention it, but this
is a comedy
We're going to continue to have a good time every day.
Sam is doing triage on the mail.
If you write some long, sappy story, she might read it but I probably
If you want to write me about the situation, please make it very, very
I don't have the time to read regular mail and there's no reason for
me to know your details,
but if you know someone who's found a cure for cancer, feel free to
send that along :).
I'm not dead, I'm not even sick - as far as I can tell.
I've got a decade, or more, to party and have a good time - so let's
enjoy our lives.
So, we have some
1. This is a comedy
You're hardly ever going to get any updates, and even
then - only if something really funny happens.
2. I'm not joining any support groups and I won't be cruising
the cancer chat rooms.
I'm going to ignore this situation
and have a good time until it needs attention later.
3. Nobody needs any details. I mean,
what would be the point?
4. If you ask how I'm feeling, I'll just say "I'm
If you come to the big Pokerfest
at Foxwoods, we'll play poker and drink tequila and have
a good time but we're not
going to talk about any of this - that makes sense, right?
5. This is not the time to say Jesus loves you.
I refuse to give up a lifetime of common sense because
the inevitable will someday occur.
I may have untreatable cancer - but since I'm a Democrat, I have positive
I'll have no surgery, no chemo, no radiation and no bone marrow transplants.
By the way, Mrs Bart is taking this like Victoria Barkley.
She's not too worried because I'm not too worried.
There is one more thing we need to talk about.
On Friday the 13th, I wrote:
> One thing I thought of while I was waiting
to see the doctor, if I was given some bad news,
> I'd be unable to qualify for life or
health insurance, so use this false alarm as a wake-up to
> increase your life insurance before
someone tells you you're not eligible.
I assume I'm not eligible for any more life insurance,
and the coverage I have is 60 percent less than
what I thought I had. I had a lot of 'accidental death' coverage,
and not enough life insurance.
So I have a decade to raise as much money as I can for Mrs Bart.
Her family is cursed with longevity.
Every female in her family lives to be 100, so she's just getting to
What was once a hobby tequila treehouse must now become a money generating
Recently, either on the page or on the radio, I mentioned how Michael
Corleone had to kill a crooked
New York police captain to save his family. I find myself in a similar
situation - I need to save my family,
but instead of killing a cop, all I need to do is throw a big-ass party
that people will want to attend.
Pretty good deal, right?
So - we are going to make some changes.
First and most obvious is we're going to increase
There will be more pages and more radio shows.
Right now, we have 1259 pages and 29 (by the time you read this) radio
Someday, I expect to have 4,000 pages and 1,000 radio shows online.
With this new incentive, we might eventually go to live, streaming shows
I need more subscribers ao I've got to give more people valid reasons
to sign up..
The Bartcop operation will swing into full gear in order to ensure I
leave Mrs Bart with something.
If I can't buy life insurance, the only way to make sure she is taken
care of is for me to get busy.
You may have noticed that we've picked up the pace on radio shows and
Lately, new subscriptions have exceeded cancellations, so we're moving
in the right direction.
I plan to continue this -- Who knows what could happen with this much
Also, and some of you might hate this - but we're going to clean things
up a little.
The Ozzy-style editing is the best example of that.
I often get mail saying, "Bart, if you'd clean
up your language, I could give subscriptions
to my parents or my kids, but the way you
talk, I can't do that."
Well, I need those extra subscriptions now - so we're going to
mainstream things up some.
Also, I'm going to clean up the page language, too.
Who knows, maybe if we clean things up, we'll get a real offer from
I broke this on BCR
Show 29 because I want people to hear the calm
in my voice.
I'm OK with an extra 10 years or so, even tho that's not written
Any of us could meet our peach truck tomorrow and not
get those extra 10 years,
so I'm OK with the hand I've been dealt.
In a dumb kind of way (what else would you expect from Ol' Bart?) there
is a freedom
or a weight lifted after getting this kind of news. I can't explain
it, maybe it's just that my
"Have a great time every day" attitude means more now than it
In closing (have you ever been happier to see that phrase? :)
please respect my wishes.
Don't smother me with your, "I have a cancer
story, too" mail.
If you call BartCop Manor and say, "Call me
back with all the details," don't expect a call.
I'm not sure going public with this is the smartest move, but since
I stupidly made the doctor visit public,
and then lied about it, I felt like I had to set the record straight.
I'm sorry about the lie - people do stupid things when they panic.
So - what's the plan?
We're going to work harder and longer and smarter (ha
ha) and mainstream things more and build
the treehouse and the radio show into something so good - that everyone
will want to subscribe.
I'll try not to be a shamless whore, but yes, this is a new ballgame.
My little hobby has suddenly turned
into a crusade - a race against time to raise as much money as I can
in the next ten (or more) years.
If I was in the concrete pouring business, or if I mowed lawns for a
living. I'd have to work constantly
at some hard job in the hot, Oklahoma August sun. But since I'm a damn
lucky man, it's my job to host
a party and kick some ditto-monkey ass in the most entertaining way
I can think of.
We have things coming up. We're hoping for some 'celebrity interviews'
and we're reaching out to a
wider audience. With the cleaner language, maybe we'll get a mention
on Crossfire like The Horse gets.
If you have ideas about how to grow the hammer higher, send them to:
So instead of wasting time talking about things that we can't change,
we're going to party and have fun and play poker
but most of all we're going to work together to kick the Unelected
Fraud and his gang of Nazi goons back to Texas.
Smile, because I'm in a good mood.
Some people suggest that since it was my first visit, "Dr. Laura"
was possibly low-balling
my time left because it's a lot easier to say "You
have more time than we thought"
than it is to say, "We miscalculated, you
have less time than we thought."
So smile a little more.
I fired that "Dr Laura" handjob.
He's a religious nut who wants to "prepare me to meet the angels."
I'm not going to let some religio-handjob drive me any-fucking-where.
You know what that lying bastard did?
He put a note in my file (that goes to other doctors) that said
I had alcohol on my breath for
a 2 PM appointment.
Sure, I enjoy a cocktail now & then,
but I don't drink in the morning or
the afternoon and I don't drink before
I go to the doctor's office.
I assume it was his religious insanity
that made him lie.
He knows I drink - but that's a sin that
makes God very angry,
so he chose to slander me and send his
stupid lies to other doctors.
I should kick his ass for that.
On a hunch, I called the Mayo Clinic in Scottdale, AZ and blow me
They're on Mrs. Bart's insurance coverage provider list (Whatever,
undertand how that works and I don't care.)
So, for a $30 co-payment, (and free frequent flyer miles) I'm being
treated by some of
the best doctors in the country and in my first appointment I made
it clearer than Lake Concha
to them that I didn't want any talk of God or angels
or any other religious stupidity.
As of Feb 9, 2007, Doc says there's no reason to start chemo - yet.
When that time comes, if I can find a way to make it funny, I'll tell
that story :)
© 2004, 2007, bartcop.com