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1412 - Death Monkey
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Wednesday September 29
Mike Malloy on AAR weeknights
"Bush will never admit he's done anything wrong.
They've made a lot of mistakes, and our
troops and our taxpayers are paying
for that right now. They will absolutely lie about anything."
--John Edwards, in Manchester, N.H., Attribution
everyone turned into James Carville
Thanks to the Net, we all know exactly
what the candidates need to do to win
Today, it seems that every political junkie
online secretly (if not openly) believes he's James Carville,
a strategist possessed of such uncontested
political genius that a particular candidate would be crazy
not to listen to his advice, especially
if that particular candidate is John Kerry. It's possible to find
people on the Web who'll claim that they
could do at least as good a job in winning political races as
the veteran consultants on the inside.
So what if these people have never worked in any actual campaign?
At least some of them were warning, months
ago, that the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth would be a
problem for Kerry and that he should respond
hard and fast -- an idea that Kerry's team would have
been wise to consider."
You don't have to be Carville to know Bush's lies must
be refuted immediately or they will fester.
Christ, did everyone forget Clinton's performance in 1992?
After each dirty Bush lie, Clinton's War Room smothered it with
the blanket of truth.
Why can't Kerry's team remember the lessons from twelve years
Are they too young?
Are they too proud?
It's not that hard - it's just not.
Look for a Demo hero or Rethug Chickenhawk
Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam
Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade.
John Kerry: Lt., Navy 1966-70; Silver Star,
Bronze Star with Combat V Purple Hearts.
Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
Tom Delay: did not serve. (homosexual)
Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
Tastes good: Indah, a female orangutan,
enjoys some sweet corn shortly after arriving
Tuesday at the Great Ape Zoo in Des Moines.
Subject: NBC made a smart
The only reason you have a problem with
Leno getting fired is because your old.
Leno's audience is shrinking, Conan's audience
It does NBC no good to have a 60 year old
Leno telling the same one liners hes
been telling for 20 years.I wouldn't be
suprised if he went out on a Monica joke.
NBC made a smart business decision, and
they gave Leno a 5 year warning,
that's better then most people get.
Matt, it's true that I'm old, but I have
no problem with NBC's decision to fire Leno.
The sad part was watching Jay lie to himself
and to America.
He wanted to retire about as much as Clinton
did, which is not at all.
It seemed to me he had been crying prior
to the show.
...and yes, he'll go out on a Monica joke
because, even tho they call him the hardest working
comedian in show business, he's even lazier
than Dave, and that's pretty damn lazy.
Both of them go for the absolutely cheapest
I have hours of tape of Leno
on Dave's old show, it seemed like Jay was a guest every other week
and the two of them would sit there and
tell one great joke after another and you couldn't even catch a breath.
But they both retired in 1998 when they
discovered how easy Monica jokes were.
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Trims a Tale
by Robert Parry as seen at consortiumnews.com
Speaking to the United Nations, George
W. Bush scaled back one of the lies he routinely tells
the American people: Bush didn't repeat
his claim that Saddam Hussein barred U.N. weapons
inspectors from Iraq before the U.S.-led
That Bush claim - accusing Hussein of having
refused to admit the U.N. inspectors in 2002-2003
- has become a central part of Bush's rewriting
of the history of the Iraq War. The revision lets Bush
present himself as a reasonable man who
exhausted all peaceful options before turning to war as a last resort.
Apparently trusting that his American audiences
and the U.S. press corps won't challenge his false assertions,
Bush has pitched this lie again and again,
including in his acceptance speech to the Republican National
Convention. But he trimmed the tale back
on Sept. 21 while addressing the U.N. General Assembly,
a place where the facts are better known.
consortiumnews.com is the most important site on the www
For Christ's sake! The windsurfing shot
is the LEAST of our problems.
It was a blip on the screen.
If anyone saw that photo and decided to vote Bush,
then they weren't going to vote Kerry anyway.
The windsurfing isn't the problem.
America is trying to decide who they trust their kid's lives
One candidate is pounding the podium giving speeches while the
other is windsurfing.
Polls show 61
percent of Americans trust Bush to get tough
while our candidate is trusted by 34
percent - so our guy needs to get busy.
As the fearless Moore advised: stop the
Stop the moaning! Put it behind and refocus.
I'm not the one who needs to focus right now.
Our side keeps forgetting to fight back.
We've got 4 weeks to accentuate Kerry's
positives while drilling relentlessly on
Bush's million and two negatives. After
Bush steals the election we'll have all the time
in the world to piss and moan and bite
each other on the ass about windsurfing photos, etc.
FM, thanks for the note.
is honor in dying for Halliburton"
Voters (Kerry voters) Flooding Election Offices
New voters are flooding local election
offices with paperwork, registering higher numbers
than four years ago as attention to the
presidential election runs high and an array of activist
groups recruit would-be voters who could
prove critical come Nov. 2.
Cleveland has seen nearly twice as many
new voters register so far as compared with 2000;
Philadelphia is having its biggest boom
in new voters in 20 years; and counties are bringing in
temporary workers to help process all the
new registration forms. .
Stop being so negative on our man John Kerry.
Like Mayra says, the Republicans never
savage their candidate,
much less whine and bitch about any slight
imperfections he may have,
or have had in the past, particularly the
Get over it! Put on your game face!
Buck up our side, instead of providing
ammunition for the Republican enemy.
Cheryl, I'm trying to get Kerry to join what's left of the fight.
Republicans never have to beg their candidate to start fighting
"John Kerry is in town today, which is both
exciting and maddening at the same time.
You've got to get into some mudslinging,
John. You can't just sit back and watch as
they besmirch your character and reputation
with mistruths and falsifications.
Get up and at 'em boy, or you're done
for and then we're all doomed."
from Shirley Manson's diary, Attribution
to run in Iraqi elections?
Bush would never allow Iraq to choose their leader
Saddam reportedly plans to run as a candidate
in the Iraqi elections scheduled for January 2005.
Saddam's lawyer Giovanni di Stefano told
the press that would declare his candidacy for the elections.
Stefano said a recent Gallup poll indicates
42 percent of Iraqis want their former leader back.
That's how badly Bush has screwed up Iraq.
They want a return to the rape rooms and mass graves - anything but Bush's bungling.
Don't let Bush get away with this one
The return of Carla Binion
George W. Bush's extremely bad judgement
and his decisions related to the so-called "war on terrorism" have made
America less safe. Still, Bush continues
to campaign on the idea that he's stronger than Kerry on protecting our
Shortly after September 11, 2001, the Bush
focus shifted from bin Laden to Iraq. The focus hasn't been half
and half on bin Laden, but virtually one
hundred percent on Iraq. This miscalculation isn't merely a lack
of crisp logic
on the part of the Bush administration,
but an Alice-in-Wonderland view of reason and the real world.
It Time for War Zealots to Send Their Kids to Iraq?
The story did not end with 3,000 dead.
We now have more than 1,000 additional dead
Hometown Newspaper Endorses Kerry
Bush will never know - he doesn't read
pilots land plane after axe attack by passenger
They let a Dude take an axe on the plane?
Fugitive Python Found
Mississippi lets people keep 17-foot snakes in the house?
Order yours from the BartCop Bookstore
Subject: Kerry gives up
What a bunch of weak kneed pusses! Kerry
just will not fight.
I moved to accept a new job in the Navajo
Nation as a teacher for the BIA!
I'm no longer living the US!
It feels so much nicer here... in a new country.
The BFEE will do everything in their "arsenal
of mass deception" to prevent those of us,
including the FIRST AMERICANS from casting
a ballot, since the Navajo Nation is Democratic!
"I am a
for the GOP...
We know you want to back your boy, as we
did with Clinton during impeachment,
but impeachment wasn't killing our finest
soldiers every day, one after another.
Do you plan to stick with Bush to the end,
no matter what?
If Bush gets 3,000 men killed,
you'll stay with him?
If Bush gets 8,000 men killed,
you'll stay with him?
If Bush gets 20,000 men killed, you'll
stay with him?
Assuming at some point you'll say, "Enough is enough,"
why not say that now and save thousands
of lives as a bonus?
You're going to have to change your mind sooner or later,
unless you think the Middle East is going to soon run out of
so why not give in now and let 150,000 of our best come home
to their families?
Are you going to sacrifice 20,000 men to say "Bush
knows what he's doing?"
Are you really going to be that stubborn, just so you can "win?"
Why do you have to be negative about everything?
(I was tempted to ask why you are often
ass, but though better of it.)
Jay Leno is just as much a fixture of our
society as Johnny Carson.
Many of us truly love Jay, and your stupid
remarks about Jay being "fired" are really way off base.
Bob in San Diego
Bob, you might have a point.
What if I said Leno's bosses invited him to leave?
- honest journalism
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to Ignore Debate Camera Rules
They want to show reaction shots - Bush looking
"The campaigns have agreed to this," said Princell
Hair, CNN general manager. "We haven't.
"We have access to these cameras and we're going
to - as we would with any news event
- decide which is the best way to broadcast
this," he said. "A producer in the booth will
make those determinations, not some people
in the campaign."
The camera angles may seem like a small
point, but campaigns know they offer potential
embarrassing moments. Cameras caught George
Herbert Herbert Bush, checking his watch
during one debate and Al Gore sighing during
answers given by Pinhead in 2000.
Just what do you expect them to do?
Mike in Mesa AZ
Mike, if we're going to lose (nobody says we are)
I'd at least like to see our side go down fighting.
As far as what I expect them to do, almost any issue in the last
100 will have
multiple ideas and suggestions, but maybe top of the list would
be to deny the
false allegation that Kerry is the most leftist politician in
the history of the world.
Have you seen him deny that even once?
Whoever the Dems nominated would be lied about as "the most liberal,"
hasn't bothered to deny it. Just today, I talk to Vic the
Nut from the old car lot.
We talked politics, and he said, "What
do you expect since Kerry's the most
liberal member in congress?"
That's a stupid lie fabricated by uber-Nazi Michael Barone, but
Vic heard it, and Kerry
has refused to deny it - so it sticks. I asked Vic if he knew
who Michael Barone was,
and of course he said no, but Barone's lie changed the face of
this campiagn because
Kerry couldn't figure out a way to say, "That's
Also, every senator has the power to filibuster and stop Bush from doing something.
Have you seen even one filibuster since Jan 20,
They have the power to stop Bush's worldwide murder spree - but
they're too polite,
even though those Republican bastards impeached Clinton for having
a damn girlfriend.
"Bush is responsible for the needless deaths
of so many young men and women.
I don't usually agree with Howard Stern's
opinions ... but when it comes to the
direction of the country, we're on
the same page."
--George Takei, who played Sulu on the original
Star Trek, Attribution
Subject: playing to lose
"Dave R." isn't the only one suffering through
the cheap-ass Kerry campaign and it's surrogates.
We here in Louisville, KY. are stuggling
to get yard signs and other things.
I know this place is no battleground, but
goddamn it, the Bush freaks have signs all over the place already.
There are 93,000 registered Democrats in
Jefferson county, and the Metro Democratic Party printed
2,000 f-ing Kerry signs. (big Al
If THEY are playing to lose, I wish
they'd tell US first.
All the Best,
Brian in Louisville
Now with Survivor
"In one month, 3000 children died in Iraq."
--Foreign News Services, Attribution
bad luck to be living on top of my oil..."
Show a picture of kerry windsurfing next
to a picture of bush
falling off his bike or scooter in Kennebunk.
throw it in their face.
Gary, I'm with you, but notice the GOP is smart enough to keep
the Segways and scooters while America is making their life-and-death
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Kerry's 1971 testimony before congress FREE!
Don't let the lying scumbags tell
you what he said,
listen to it yourself, then correct them.
"This war is not some noble endeavor, some
great struggle of good against evil as Bush
would have us believe. We in the military
have heard these pronouncements many times
before by men who have neither served
nor sacrificed. This war is an exercise in colossal
stupidity and hubris which has now
cost more than 1,000 American military lives...
And now, in a supreme act of truly
breathtaking gall, this administration insists the only way
to fix Iraq is to leave in power the
very ones who created the nightmare."
--Mike Turner, former Central Command planning staff for Desert Shield
and Desert Storm, Attribution
W. Bush's Accomplishments
Get a drink, use the rest room - this will take some time
- Increased small business incentives to
expand and to hire new people
Possibly true, but it says "incentives to hire" instead of "hired."
Nobody got hired, and Bush is still in negative numbers of job created.
- Eliminated the Estate Tax (AKA "Death
Tax") that was taking small farms and businesses from families
He eliminated the "estate tax" on millionaires
with million dollar estates.
98 percent of the poorest Americans lost
money on this, but the super-rich did great!
best president ever!!"
As seen on Mark T's Toyota Carolla
Subject: saw this on demo
Here's a laundry list of things to watch
for in the media after the debate this Thursday.
KERRY If he's serious - they'll
say he's glum, gloomy, pessimistic, and uninspiring.
If he's jovial - they'll say he's phony
and trying too hard.
BUSH If he's serious - he's presidential,
the war-time commander in chief.
If he's jovial- everybody wants to have
a beer with him.
KERRY If he's forceful - they'll say
he's too aggressive, mean, negative, desperate.
If he's calm - they'll say he's weak, unsteady,
dull, lacks energy.
BUSH If he's forceful - they'll say
he's strong, resolute, unwavering.
If he's calm - they'll say he's prepared,
on-message, disciplined, reserved.
KERRY If he's specific - they'll say
he's wonkish, presenting "laundry lists,"
being overly-intellectual, show-offy, and
nobody likes the smart kid.
If he's not specific - they'll say he's
vague, criticizing but not offering solutions,
not addressing the issues, and nobody knows
who he is.
BUSH If he's specific - they'll say
he "lays out his plan" and "makes his case."
If he's not specific - they'll say he's
spanning the issues, giving a global presentation,
painting a broad outline of his plans.
KERRY If he jokes - they'll say he
lacks gravitas, trivializes important issues,
doesn't understand troops are in harm's
way, nation's at war, disrespects the president, etc.
If he doesn't joke - they'll say he needs
to lighten up, he's too stoney, he's wooden.
BUSH If he jokes - they'll say he's
a man of the people, a regular guy, people relate to him.
If he doesn't joke - they'll say he truly
cares about the American people and his sincerity
resonates with voters in this difficult
I don't buy that.
That basically days he's screwed either way, but that offers tremendous freedom.
If he's screwed either way, that means he's got nothing to lose
by going out there
and standing tall and saying what needs to be said and taking
the Smirk apart limb-by-limb.
That crazy Zarqawi bastard is making our $40B military look impotent
because his life is
so screwed, he's got nothing to lose - same for Atta and the
If all is truly lost, you might as well go 'all in" and take
your best shot.
Playing it safe will surely backfire, don't you think?
Kerry needs heavy drama.
He's either behind or waaaay behind, and he needs a knockout.
He can't afford to stand there and dance and watch the clock.
Whenever Smirk says, "It was important
to get Saddam," Kerry could say,
"Mr. President, there are 1050 military widows
who want to know why."
When Smirk says, "Saddam had to be dealt
with," Kerry could say,
"Mr. President, there are 8,000 heroes missing
arms and legs who would
like to get specific reasons from you
why they had to lose their limbs."
time for the big f-ing hammer
we can't wait another damn day.
For Kerry and for us the next four years - there is no tomorrow.
If Kerry can't mop the floor with the stupidest president in American
a president who lied us into another Vietnam after losing $11
trillion from the Treasury
and went to sleep after the CIA told him Osama was on his way,
it will just be damn sad.
Rowe vs Wade is gone if Kerry loses this debate.
Bush will finish the Enronization of America if Kerry loses this
Bush will increase his overseas bellicosity if Kerry doesn't
If the car won't get you laid, maybe the sticker will :)
soldier body count in Iraq
1043, 1052, 1054 dead American
Bush destroys more families every day of his pResidency.
"On the endless march into the quagmire...."
--words Bush is unable to say
Must Win the 'Persuadable' Vote
If John Kerry has a chance of winning the
White House, he must win over many in
the small but central slice of the electorate
known as "persuadable" voters who harbor
serious doubts about his leadership abilities.
They tend to like Kerry better on handling
the economy and half say a fresh start
would be worth the risk. But doubts about
his leadership skills are mentioned early
as an obstacle to those considering a switch
to the Democratic nominee.
About one in every five voters is persuadable
- including about 5 percent who
don't know who will get their vote and
about 15 percent who say they are leaning
toward one candidate but could switch to
Remember in 2000 they said Gore came off
like he knew everything?
What the hell's wrong with appearing to
have a damn clue?
Standing next to Bush, anybody would
seem that way, so why not embrace that
with the attitude, "Don't
hate me because I have a brain and the Nut Monkey
to my left is still trying to figure
our how many toes he has."
Terrorism means people's lives are at stake.
Why not have a smart president when the stakes are this high?
Subject: Hollywood liberal
How's it going dude? ...a little
Hollywood Liberal update.
Just got back from New York where my first
court date for my arrest at the Republican Convention took place.
The National Lawyers Guild has gotten me
a lawyer who wants to fight each of these charges all the way.
I have decided that I am going to fight
this thing no matter how many times I have to go back there.
Eventually they will dismiss the charges.
And then we are going to sue those bastards for all we can get.
Hopefully this will make them think twice
before they illegally arrest hundreds of people at a time.
I saw an article yesterday where Bush tells
his oath pledging campaign speech toadies that The Hollywood
Liberals are all agaisnt him and that the
heart and soul of America is right here in (insert name of small
Well I think that if it wasn't for us "Hollywood
Liberals" getting the message out, Bush would win in a landslide.
The heart and soul of America is right
here in Hollywood.
Power to the people.
L.A. Rick. The Hollywood Liberal
to order this DVD
Subject: BCR Show 55
I loved the show. Don't sell yourself short
on your editing skills.
I always like to hear you take shots at
I stopped eating Doritos when he started
I especially liked the music choices.
It's been a long time since I heard any
be on BartCop Radio?
If so, make the call.
Do you have an opinion?
Then listen for your call on...
You have two minutes to record your message.
Subject: goodbye after
A letter that will never be posted. But
one I need to send.
Your site got me through the 2000 elections,
through 9/11 and the primaries
- but you have lost sight of the big picture.
You need to stop nailing Kerry for everything
that 9/11 did to this country.
We were all scared, remember MR. Glass
Hmm....We gave the idiot power and he abused
Your site is starting to look like a third
I have been so loyal, sent more folks to
you site, but alas, I myself am finished.
You spew more hate and disgust at the only
chance we have and it is wasting time.
You should be focusing on Kerrys positive's
not patting yourself on the back for the Windsufing.
I should be happy with a losing campaign?
It would be SO EASY to lie and say
"Kerry's going to win forty states," but I've chosen the other path.
You are not in the race for us you are for
you and yes the TUTU's with our Ticket
which I AM DAM PROUD OF is a fucking disgrace.
You should work for FOX
I'm not sure what that means, but you sound
Did you say our ticket is a disgrace?
Goodbye --- Get a live --- Tequilla, Garbage,
Scott Petterson, Poker, who gives a shit,
ITS LETS GET BUSH OUT NOW. Olberman, Stewart
that's where its at.
You have become an an arrogant anti everyone
no it all, but I remember when.
If you know someone working harder to try
to wake Kerry up, send me their link, please.
Who knows? Maybe Kerry will chop
Bush into pieces tomorrow night - it's possible.
You won't print this and if you do you will
use your much snippage, as usual.
Don't use my e-mail as I have supported
you so many times and I am a BUSH hater
and want nothing more than
<sorry for the snippage - it's to protect both of us>
Coop, I believe it's irrational to blame
me for the situation.
If Kerry was ahead by 12, I think you would've
written a nice letter.
Saying I should work for FOX because I
want Kerry to fight makes no sense.
I see no reason for Democrats to attack
Blast from the past
I've been reading a lot of criticism about
you not supporting Kerry blindly enough.
I think it shows real political insight
and actual "balance" on your part. Just because Bush
is a nazi doesn't mean Kerry should be
worshipped, especially when he screws around
during the most important political campaign
in our lifetimes.
A lot of these critics seem to think any
criticism of Kerry is pro-Bush or "un-American".
When Kerry does something stupid or reprehensible,
somebody has to call him on it.
Keep up the good work.
Although my personal opinion is that Kerry
is sold-out to the same bastards who pull
Bush's strings, I hope he beats the Death
Monkey this November. And if he does,
keep his feet to the rhetorical fire, Bart,
and maybe I'll be proven wrong.
Anyway, keep calling a spade a spade - somebody's
got to do it, and you do it pretty well.
Hawaii - Should a fella be allowed to grow pot on
his private property?
Lost - Gilligan's Island meets Twin Peaks
C.S.I. - a week after their premier, they give us
a f-ing repeat.
I'm glad the networks are losing viewers every year.
Network execs are all going to hell, except for HBO's.
World Poker Tour - a cruise to Mexico - we gotta
do a Poker Cruise sometime.
Did you see Salon.com put together a Democrats cruise (bet you didn't know
but it got cancelled due to the hurricanes, so they're planning for 2005.
Poor Democrats - we can't do anything right.
ooh aah aah ooga ooga ahh ahh
OH. MY. GOD.
The monkey can type!
The monkey can debate, too, but there is
nobody in all of cyberspace
from the right side of the aisle who will
dare get in the chat room with me
because I have the truth on my side and
I don't lay down when somebody says "Boo!"
Maybe you have what it takes to set me straight?
Or, ...are you "too busy" to take your
Size 11 boot suppository?
I'm getting tired of these daily false alarms
by pussified Republicans.
Let's get in the ring - my boot is
hungry for some Monkey ass.
Can't stand the thought that Kerry is going
down in a matter of weeks, can you?
You're right - I can't stand the thought
Maybe he'll show signs of life in the debate...
(I hope Bob Shrum doesn't tell Kerry to
be shy and polite)
If you prefer a country with only one party
why don't you move to China?
I'll bet you would love it over there.
What would be the difference?
America only has one party, so how would
moving to China help?
We also have a state-controlled press, like
We jail suspects without a reason or access
to a lawyer, like China.
We torture and execute suspects in secrecy,
just like China
One real difference is that China hasn't
invaded anyone lately.
Another difference is the whole world doesn't
hate and fear China.
You are so pathetic.
Andrew, if you have the cojones to
set me straight, I'm ready.
We're trying to reach the one percent goal.
If Bush wins, you'll
need bartcop.com to stay sane.
If Kerry wins, the media
will destroy him.
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This is the first non-Tommy show in over six months.
All of it was mixed and edited by Ol' Bart,
so it wouldn't hurt to do a few shots up front.
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30 minutes of Bart's expert news and comment
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Shirley Manson of Garbage
Shrl, call The BartPhone,
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