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 Things to do in Las Vegas

 Someone asked, "What's there to do in Vegas?"
 I have some suggestions, but first - a word from...

 Vegas Pat

 ... I live here and I post on this board and I wrote a few "Beyond The Lights" columns
 for "The Vegas Report" linked on BC's page

 1. Desert Demonstration Gardens.Free!! Off the Strip (you'd have to take a cab unless you rented
 a car; then email me for directions). It's a wonderful little Vegas-version of a "botanical gardens".
 The theme, of course, is the desert and the plant life that is native to the high desert. There are
 also free workshops conducted virtually every day that might be of interest. Their web site is You can access a calendar of events there, as well
 as a ton of information on the Gardens and the LV Valley Water District (which runs the Gardens).

 2. Red Rock Canyon. Silly thing is that even though I've now lived here for two and a half years,
 I've never been there. Dunce. However, everyone that HAS been there has said how beautiful it is.
 Again, it's free and it's nature at some of her finest. Check out the web site at

 3. The Grand Canyon. If you have money and a sense of adventure, you can take a scenic plane
 or helicopter flight over the Grand Canyon. Go to the LV Convention and Visitors Authority web site at and click the "Activities" icon.

 I have a few of my own, and we'll keep this list running for a while.

  4. The Mirage is one of the most fabulous hotel/casinoes* here.
  Just walking thru the place is a trip.
 Then at night, The Mirage Volcano erupts every 15 minutes.

 If you've got a buzz going (this is Vegas) it'll be impressive as hell. Plus, this is where
 Siegfried and Roy keep their white tigers - and it's free to see them when they're off-duty.

  5. The Stratosphere Tower is the only skyscraper in Las Vegas. It's 100 stories tall,
 but take the elevator and save your knees. At the top you get an out-of-this-world view - plus...
 They have a real, live roller coaster on the 100th floor!!!

 You haven't been roller-coasting until you've done it a quarter mile in the clouds.

  6. New York, New York  The greatest city in Las Vegas!

  Like it's namesake, NY, NY has everything. They put a Central Park inside.
  To get chips, you go to the Wall Street bankers. Surrounding the building, they have
  NY-style water boats and tugs spraying water. They have their own Brooklyn Bridge!

  You'll find another roller coaster here, the own Gil Grissom rides to de-stress on C.S.I.
  Their Soho Village is jammed with places to shop. The Times Square Bar is worth a look.

  While you gals watch Michael Flatly's Riverdance show, the guys can check out the hogs
  at the Las Vegas Harley Davidson outlet, or catch the Rita Rudner show live.

  When you're eating in The Village, you'll think you're in New York because that
  roller coaster Grisson rides flies over your head, reminding you of a subway swooshing by.
  And just to make you feel at home, they have obscenities spray painted on the walls.

  7. The Fremont Experience
   When the downtown properties saw The Strip stealing all the thunder, they banded together
   and invested $75M into a blocks-long, street-wide overhead TV screen

 To see it live, click on the picture above,
 then click on it again when the page comes up.

 It's probably a lot better on the brown acid.

 8. Star Trek The Experience, Las Vegas Hilton
     You have to be in decent health to ride.  The cast are in Star Trek makeup and they
     stay in character as they strap you in, then your "Enterprise" chases the Klingon ship
     in a wild ride over Las Vegas at night. Grandma and preggers folk should pass.
     Pre-ride Humboldt break recommended - for authenticity.

  9. Area 51  What the hell did I just see?
     I'm no expert, but I don't know of anywhere else on the planet
     you can go and watch things move in the sky that can't possibly be real.
     I'm not saying they're aliens, I'm saying they have aircraft that can zoom across the sky
     and then turn on a f-ing dime. Besides that, it's very creepy out there, in the dark, knowing
     your government is watching and listening and tracking you with Star Trek-looking heat sensors.
     If there's nothing at Area 51, why is it the most secure site in the world?

10. Mandalay Bay The Sharks! The Sharks!

   I haven't seen this myself, because there were thousands of people in line the last time we were there.
   They have a glass tunnel you walk thru while the sharks swim all around you! Mandalay Bay has been
   a major player in Las Vegas, hosting big-time boxing matches and big-time rock concerts.
   The Mandalay Bay complex could be the largest of all the properties, I'm not sure, but wear your most
   comfortable shoes in Vegas because it's so hueueueueuge. Plus, if you've got GOP money, the Four Seasons
   at the top has rooms for as little as $700 a night.

11. The lakes and the boating  Ain't nothing like it!
  I've boated everywhere, and you can't beat the Las Vegas area.
  Instead of muddy lakes, you have water that's clearer than Lake Concha.
  We'll be there in the "off-season."  Last time they let us have a Cadillac ski boat
  with a big-ass Johnson for $90 a half day! Few things are as fun as burning a spliff
  while sipping Chinaco Anejo on one of the most beautiful lakes in the world.
  My favorite is Lake Havusu, just south of the damn. It's located in a canyon!
  The water is so cobalt blue, and those red rocks shoot up into the sky.
  Las Vegas is the Entertainment Capitol of the World - no doubt!

12. The Bellagio   One of the nicest hotels in the world.
 From Christmas in Vegas:
 We walked in the lobby of The Bellagio and were slammed by the aroma
 of fresh-cut flowers.  You can't fake that.
 The lobby is chock-full of fresh flowers, and it hits you like a wave.

 Mrs. BartCop grabbed my arm and made me stop.
 She looked up at the ceiling with it's 5,000 just-cut fresh flowers
 and took a deep breath.  "This doesn't smell like Oklahoma," she said.

 Plus, Click  Here  to see a short video of the Bellagio Fountains,

 The Bellagio is so classy, on the walls of their restaurants,
 they have paintings by Van Gogh, Picasso and Monet.

13. Hear the never-heard Juliefest Soundtrack  The best music ever!
 There's a whole lotta Garbage, but also the best tracks from The Clash,
 King's X, Van Halen, The Beatles, Hendrix, Stevie Wonder, Frank Zappa,
 Stevie Ray Vaughn, Shania Twain, Led Zeppelin, Queen and more!

14. The Venetian
      I think it was Conde Nast magazine that called The Venetian "the best hotel in the world."
      It's my opinion that when you walk thru the main doors for the first time, you will either use
      the Lord's name in vain or you'll exclaim a vulgarism that describes the marriage act.
      Not only does this place have a lake with Venice canals - the lake is on the second floor!
      Also home to the former future place I'd most like to die. Tanquero Canonita
      They have $50 tequila shots, but no Chinaco Anejo, so they lost their #1 ranking
      You have to visit this place. ...and it's free!

 15. Food & Drink
       Sure, New York might have more kinds of food than Las Vegas, but everything in Vegas
       is located within a few miles and they have everything. If you time it right, you might have
       your meal prepared by Wolfgang or Emerill.

 16. Paris in Vegas!
      This place is so French, the black porters from Texas say "Bon Jorno," or whatever.
      For $5-6, you can go up inside the Eiffel Tower. Whoopie!
      Plus, think of the snooty snails you can buy here!
      And don't forget, all these casinoes* let you gamble!

17. The Strip at Night
......................Treasure Island.........................................The Luxor............................The Mirage
      The Strip at Night is unlike anything in the world. Las Vegas is a non-stop city and just watching
      the traffic at night is fun.  Thousands of people constantly moving in every direction creates a
      Times Square-like buzz. Driving down the Strip at night is also something you need to experience.
      The crazy pirate fight at Treasure Island, the black Luxor pyramid shooting the largest beam of light
      in the world, the volcanoe* at The Mirage and the sheer majestry of these hueueueuge hotel complexes
      as they beg you to come to their casinoe*, not the other one,

18. Hoover Dam

19. Get married by an Elvis Impersonator!  You know it's going to last if Elvis says so.

20. The Liberace Museum  Hey, go ahead and laugh - I did.
   A good friend sent me this link saying the crowds are so hueueueuge that
   they recently doubled the gate price to keep up with the ever-growing demand.
   Odds are you won't catch me there, and this is more of an exercise in free speech
   than an outright recommendation. But some people really dig the Liberace Museum.

21. Caesars Palace
   Whoa!  This place isn't "like" Caesars Palace - it's the real thing.
   One of the most famous traditions in all of Las Vegas. Some of the greatest fights were held right here,
   the famous Evil Kneivel crash over the fountains, The Caesars Forum Shops are off the scale .
   I think their animitron show has lost a lot, with the Bush Puppet being so much more life-like.

22. Death Valley  If you find beauty in the desert, this is Fort Knox.

23. Utah  It's so beautiful, the Osmonds moved here.
    If you're from back east, you gotta check out what your country looks like.
    Utah scenery is spectacular. If you're in Las Vegas for as few days, see Utah.
    Smoking a fattie at Canyonlands National Park is fantastic. See why Bill Clinton
    set aside parts of Utah to be left pristine - before President Swipe drills here!

24. Arizona  There's a lot more to Arizona than the Grand Canyon.
     Pick up any Arizona Highways magazine and see what's there.

25. The company.
     My good friend Jim Higdon told me he HAD to be there, if for no other reason
     than he wanted to meet and speak to other politically like-minded people.
     The conversations you'll have at BartFest are some that you'll never forget.
     The friendships you'll make will last a lifetime.  Meet and speak with people you've
     been e-mailing and chatting with for years. Meet the writers you've been reading on
     Bartcop, Buzzflash and MWO.  Hell, find a way to write this off on your taxes!
     Make Uncle Sam pay for the funnest weekend you've had in ten years!
     Hell, just deduct it and when you get caught, say, "What? That's not legal?"
     BartFest is a must - for the good of America's future.

26. Hard Rock Las Vegas Hotel & Casino   At the pool, they have swim up blackjack, and live cameras.
 Note: Works better with IE, takes a moment to get going, and please use caution,
  because sometimes the girls take their tops off, and the camera has a zoom feature.
  Plus, you have a better chance of seeing rock stars/movie stars at the Hard Rock.

27. Gardunos Restaurant  They claim 250 different tequilas, which would be
  Chinaco Anejo and 249 lesser, inferior brands. The bad news?   ...the food might blow.

28. The Coyote Cafe at the MGM  When you put "Las Vegas" +tequila in aYahoo search engine,
  you get Coyote Cafe.   Remember, we have a good friend who owns the place. His letter is in the
  back issues, and I will buy a shot of tequila for you, in Las vegas, if you're the first person to
  tell me which issue that letter is in. (We'll need his name to get special deals!)

30.  Grand Canyon hummer tours!  (Only in Las Vegas)
       If my driver is a knockout, I want to try one of those.

    Top Ten Area Tours
      Grand Canyon Plane & Land
      Grand Canyon Bus (bus flies at slower speeds)
      Grand Canyon Helicopter
      Hoover Dam Deluxe
      Grand Canyon SUV
      Grand Canyon Combo
      Grand Canyon Hummer (must be 21)
      Deluxe City Tour Red Rock
      Hoover Dam "Personal"  (must be 21)
      Death Valley

31. Helicopter over Vegas at night for $69
           click for details
32. Limo tour of Las Vegas   What a deal!
      For $160, six people ride this limo up & down Las Vegas Blvd for two hours.
      Make them stop!
     And that's not all - shades of Sam Kinison, it includes a full bar!
     That's only $13.50 an hour for six people to enjoy fine cocktails
     while getting a smooth, luxurious tour of the most exciting city in the world!!
     How do they stay in business?

33. The South's Finest Chocolate  has agreed to send the best chocolate in the world.
   Hell, that's worth a thousand dollars right there.

34. The Pre-Party  This is a possibility more than an outright offer, but maybe we tequila
   connie, ...connass, ..coonosu, ...maybe the tequila lovers could band together the night before
   the actual Fest at the Pink Taco and sample the extra fine luxury tequilas Mary has.
   Y'know, I wonder if we could rent an expert? Maybe Pink Taco Mgr. Mary knows a local
   tequila lover who could provide some expert guidance thru the tricky agave jungle - I'll ask her.
   (I should list Mary as an attraction, but that would anger the feminists, so I won't)

35. Free liquor from the cute cocktail waitresses
  Actually, you can lose $50 gambling while waiting for your free drink, so it's not really
  the deal of the century, but when you're busy gambling, it's always fun to have the scanty
  clads ask if you'd like another shot of The Miracle at Canaan, but have you ever heard
  the story of why liquor is free in Las Vegas?
  Years ago, the casinos were trying to out-do each other to attract customers.
  One casino went to dollar drinks, so the other casino went to 75 cent drinks,
  so the first casino went to 50 cents drinks, so the other casino said "F-it" and
  went to free drinks for anybody gambling and here we are.

 36. You meet the friendliest people in Nevada
  Traditionally,  the Army Rangers who guard Area 51 drive white Cherokees.
  This SUV looks like a big-ass silver Bronco, but you can bet if you meet an Army Ranger,
  he'll be very gentle and polite as he puts pressure on your neck with his boot.  You see, when
  you get to the spot on the dirt road where it's time to stop, you'll see a sign that says,
 "We may shoot you without warning if you cross this line."

  Sometimes people get froggy and cross that line and when that happens, far as I know,
  they don't really shoot you, but these Rangers take you into custody and they cuff you and
  hog-tie you and "F" with you until you wet your pants. If you give them any trouble, they kick
  you around and put their boot on your head/neck until you become compliant.  So when you go
  to BartFest, if you choose to go to Area 51, do NOT get froggy and step over the line
  because if you do, these men will send you home with an arrest record and a story of how badly
  you were abused so the next guy doesn't try anything.   By the way, there's nothing at Area 51,
  that's why it's the most heavily guarded chunk of desert in the world.

37. Indoor Sky Diving
 As a first time flyer, participants attend a 15-minute safety training class.
 Body control techniques and safety procedures are discussed. Your flight suit
 and all protective equipment is included with your flight ticket. Participants fly in
 a column of air 12 feet across and 21 feet high moving at airspeeds up to 120 MPH.
38. The Pinball Museum

I'll bet they have every pinball machine you can remember - maybe 80 of them - and they all work!
They also have Asteroids, Defender, Galaga, Missle Command, Ms Pac Man, etc

 You've read what people said about our first gathering.
 We intend to top that in Sin City come September.

39. Rent a Harley - Cruise the Strip in style  From Dave's 100 things to do in Vegas

40. The History Channel Special was good, ...but it's not 1996 anymore.
      Here's their top ten, and it's not all that bad.

  1. The Strip
  2. Haute cuisine
  3. Low-roller gambling
  4. Elvis-a-Rama Museum
  5. Downtown Las Vegas
  6. Cirque du Soleil's "O"
  7. Guggenheim Las Vegas and Guggenheim Hermitage Museum
  8. Neon lights
  9. Showgirls return
10. Hoover Dam

 Click for History Channel's Vegas Top Ten Details

41. You can rent things in Las Vegas
  No, I'm not talking about the best looking call girls in the world, either.
  Years ago, when I had that easy ADM money coming in, we almost rented a S-Type Jaguar for a day.
  Oh, sure, the prices are outrageous - I think it was $250 a day, but money was easy back then,
  and we should've done it just to have the photograph to look back on it today. I can't even imagine
  the good mood Mrs. Bart might be in after tooling around The Strip in a new Jaguar.

 I see where you can rent a new Harley-Davidson motorcycle for as little as $75 a day.
 I'm not much on a cycle, myself, but if I liked riding a big bike, and knew I could ride a Sportster
 up and down Las Vegas Blvd at night, and then ride out to Lake Mead the next morning, then maybe
 the 20 miles up to Valley of Fire State Park, that would be a damn fun 24 hours, y'know?

  See this Boxster?

  You can drive it at speeds up to 145 MPH around the Las Vegas Motor Speedway.

 Of course, spending money to enjoy yourself is totally wrong - I'm sure the Catholics have a rule
 against "having fun for no reason," but it's just another thing to do in Vegas, like indoor sky-diving..

42. Gaming at the casino
 Even if you plan to do little or no gambling, (smack!)  Ow! ...damn, that hurt,
OK, OK,  Even if you plan to do little or no gaming, trust me and sign up  for your home casinoes* 
little card program. They give you a little megnetic card, like a credit card,  on a string and the point is 
if you gamble with a slot machine, they keep a record of what you spent. 

If you lose, you'll probably get some discount offer in the mail to return. On the other hand, Tally
Briggs often gets free hotel comps and she generally wins when she plays, so they pay for winners, too.
 I think she said she got one or two nights at The Venetian - damn, that's a nice place.

 Even if you plan not to, you'll probably drop a few quarters into a slot to say you did, but if you win
 a thousand dollars, or a lot of thousands, you'll want that hit recorded on that little card.
 So do that card thing - each casinoe* calls it something different.

 Keep in mind: Don't think you're going to come home a winner,

 BUT... people DO win real money in Las Vegas. They have these slot machines strung together,
 state-wide, and it's possible to drop 75 cents into a slot and win a car, or $2,500,000 or whatever.
 Hey - in Vegas when they say $2,500,000, that's real money. It's not Momopoly money or McDonalds
 "Daddy warbucks" money, this is real damn money, and they don't kid around with money in Vegas.

43. The Wildlife  and no, I'm not talking about the call girls.
 On one recent trip, we drove south about fifty miles from Las Vegas to go boating on Lake Havasu,
 and this guy was standing on the side of the highway.

 We don't have them in Oklahoma, at least not in Tulsa.

44. The Weather
  It's no coincidence that the Party of the Year is being held in Las Vegas in late September.
  Expect the weather to be perfect for walking The Strip, staggering between hotels,
  boating on the cobalt-blue lakes, seeing flying saucers at Area 51, etc.
  It'll be so fine, The Rio asked if we'd like to hold our gig outside, by the pool.
  BTW, I've seen a Rio floor plan map online, but can't find it.
  If you see one, could you send it in?

45. Take classes on how to strip seen on Dave's Vegas page!
  They charge $300, I'll bet Marc Perkel will teach you for half that.

46. Viva Elvis
  It's been 25 years since the King left the building - but he's back!!!.

47. Room Service- we can't forget Vegas room service
  All of the high-end properties have room service that is unbelievable.
  Oh, don't get me wrong, you'll pay a lot for it, but oh, what they bring you!
  A couple of years back, we stayed at The Mirage. (Sidebar: We rented Rounders,
  a poker movie with Matt Damon, Ed Norton and John Malkovich. Towards the end
  of the movie they went to Vegas to play the World Series of poker - at The Mirage.)

  While we watched the movie, we ordered a hamburger and a club sandwich. I think the bill,
  with tip, was $30, but you won't believe what they wheel into your room for two sandwiches.
  I've never seen a rolling table this big on TV or in a movie when they show someone getting
  room service. I was so damn impressed, I took pictures of it, but now I can't find them.

  Mrs. Bart likes Vegas for three reasons - she loves driving riding in the desert,
  she likes it when I'm in a good mood (a hundred tequila bars has that effect) and
  she loves to be pampered, and that's what these big properties do.
  They treat you like you're the King of Surinam, if that's a place.

48. The expensive cars   I might be alone on this, but I think it's great fun
  to stand on a corner of Las Vegas Blvd and watch the cars go by.  If you do that, you'll
  see Maseratis, Lamborghinis, Rolls Royces, Bentleys, Aston Martins (I don't know how
  to spell any of these cars) Also, each property has a fleet of limos that I've never ridden in.
  I guess you have to play more than the quarter slots to get a ride in those.

49. The Wynn, The Palazzo, Aria, "M" and Encore
Too expensive to stay there but walking around if free.hink

50. Aria
I'm going to play at least a few hands of poker at Aria

I think I'm in love with a building for the very first time.

  Talk to me!

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