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Vol 65- Feeding Jacoby II

In Volume 61, Jeff Jacoby listed 40 reasons to vote Dole.  shot down 39 of them. (We gave them Craig Livingstone.)

Since "Pessnit Kintn" has a 20-point lead over craggy old Dole,
Jacoby used the GOP "more hate" strategy to add 40 more reasons.
We at are happy to correct his errors.


This may get a little rough. weaker sheep may want to bail.

Most of these nonsense/shit-for-brains attacks
should be answered starting with "Eat Me..."
but we'll do our best to minimize that.

Here we go:

41. A top private school for Chelsea, but no vouchers
      for poor kids who want the same break.

Hmmm... If I'm not mistaken... Isn't this the same group who'ss mad at Clinton
for preventing Ryder Trucks from parking near the White House?

Chelsea deserves protection and privacy.
How would endangering Chelsea's life help the GOP?

42. Clinton blamed radio-hate for the OKC bombing.

Yes, and Dole blames Hollywood for juvi crime.
Choose your weapon, GOP.

You CAN'T have it BOTH ways!!
Either the media influences weak minds or it doesn't.

1. Item: Reagan said "Government IS THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!"

2. Item: G. Gordon Liddy says "Shoot for the cop's head,
              because he might be wearing a vest."

3. Item: The NRA says "Help us STOP the jack-booted thugs."

...and Bill Clinton has the GALL to point fingers?

43. VP Gore on Yeltsin's health July 16, 1996:
      "To me, he looks good," Gore said.
      In fact, Yeltsin had a heart attack and is gravely ill.

What was the alternative?
What did you want him to say?
"Yeltsin is gravely ill and near death?"
Zhiranovsky might've made a grab for power.
then YOU would've claimed Clinton bungled it.

Russia is STILL an ally.
You're angry because Clinton did the RIGHT thing.

44. Ira Magaziner.

Heard the name. What's HIS crime?

45. Candidate BC: "American politics is hostage to big money."
      President BC: Sold private White House dinners to donors
      who gave $100,000 to the DNC.

Eat me.

Limba the Hutt slept in the Lincoln bedroom as a payoff
for endorsing Butch. White House privileges have ALWAYS
been available to the President's friends. What BULLSHIT
for Rush/Jacoby to say White House privileges began in 1993.

46. Deval Patrick, quota king.

Never heard of him.

But if quota kings are bad,
how did Clarence "Slappy" Thomas get HIS job?


47. The Clintons donated their used underwear
       to charity and deduct it on their tax returns....

BIG mistake by Bill.

If he'd waited until now, according to Rush and his
dorky-ass "arousal factor," Clinton could sell used
underwear for maybe $5,000 a pair.

Probably the biggest mistake of his presidency.

48. ...but they never bothered to report their profits
         from Hillary's 1980 commodities trading -
         until they were exposed in 1994.

There you go again.
Assuming facts NOT in evidence.

Why doesn't Starr indict her?
Is he afraid Hillary will have him murdered?

49. Chicagoan Judy Mendoza screamed at Clinton, "You suck,"
      he had her arrested and jailed.

Clinton can't have anyone arrested.
You'd think a dork like Jacoby would know that.

We have dueling wacko-conservatives here.

A caller asked Liddy: Is it true that Chicago woman
                                    went to jail for saying "Clinton sucks?"

Liddy said, "No, you have to threaten the President."

So, either Liddy or Limba is lying.
Tough one, eh?

50. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is 77 years old.


We don't need another Slappy on the Court.

51. A historic first: The first lady is called before a grand jury.

Maybe it was.

Remember, being called before a Grand Jury is not evidence of guilt.
If it was, Reagan, Butch, North, Meese et al would be rotting like dogs in prison.

It was the first time a bitter, rejected sour-grapes party used their power to
pretend there was an accusation against the wife of a president they didn't like.

Sounds like an "Eat Me."

52. Another historic first: White House reporters ask if
      the president has a sexually transmitted disease.

Who asked that? Paul Harvey? The guy who services horses?

ASKING a question indicates guilt?

Maybe now would be a good time to remember that if Jacoby had written a normal,
accurate column about Clinton, he would be still be unknown.

When Tupac died, his record company said:
"Take the high road and your record never sees the light of day.
 Take the low road, and you're sure to sell a million copies."

I guess that's true for newspaper whores, as well.

53. Why won't he release his medical records?

Let's put this one to bed RIGHT now:

I think anytime somebody asks this question, they should offer up signed statements
authorizing any person in America FULL ACCESS to EVERY medical record of theirs,
and their extended families, for all time.

What's wrong, Jacoby?
Do you have VD?

How's that 40-pound cyst on Rush's ass doing?
Does Rush have VD? Slappy does!!

What's Reagan's CURRENT condition?
Don't we have a right to know?

How's Mary Matalin handling menopause?
Carville's still alive, so she must be doing OK.
(James, forgive me. I'm just making a point.)

What about old Bob Dole's encephlogram?
Why can't the America voter get a look at it?

You know why we can't see it?
I'll tell you why we can't see it.

It proves Bob Dole is as crazy as a fucking loon!

So, until I see some signed release forms,
you loser Republicans ought to shut up!

54. White House aides with a drug history: more than 40.

That's probably waaaay too low.

There's 2,500 people working there.
Clinton has people working for him that were born
after 1920, so yes, some of them did drugs in college.

Besides, if Dole won, (ha ha) what would he do
with Susie Creamcheese, Snoot Gingrich, and the rest?

55. Cuba blows four planes out of the sky - and Clinton
      does nothing to punish Fidel Castro.

Blow me, you lying dog!

You've already accused Clinton of punishing Cuba with the Helms Bill.
But now you want to slap him with the OTHER side of the argument?

One thing about nazi hate:

They can't remember which side of the slur they're on!

56. Didn't do anything when Capt. Scott O'Grady
      was blown out of the sky by Bosnian Serbs.

So, John Jacoby, the guy who wants a nuclear war in Japan so bad he can fucking TASTE it,
wants Clinton to involve American ground troops in a quagmire?

Sorry, Einstein!

If "Pessnit Kintn" was the type to endanger hundreds of thousands of American lives,
he'd be helping his wife with the dishes in Houston.

57. Or when five Americans in Saudi Arabia are killed
      by a car bomb. Or when 19 more Americans are killed
      by a second bomb in Saudi Arabia.

So, your idea is to attack Saudi Arabia?

If US Military Forces went house-to-house searching for suspects in Saudi Arabia,
a MONSTEROUS Jihad would result and Israel might have to split a few atoms.

Jacoby, you're one stupid MF'er, you know that?

58. He does, however, shut down Pennsylvania Avenue.

There you go again.

You hate Clinton so much, you're angry that he won't
allow Ryder trucks to park next to the White House.

Jacoby, you dirty whore!
It's OK with you if America's president is assassinated?

Maybe the Secret Service should pay you a visit.

59. "I have vivid memories of black churches burning
        in Arkansas when I was a child."
       (No black churches burned in Ark. when Clinton was a child.)

Excuse me?

I've heard the Giver of Shade make that claim, too.
On what do you base your facts, sir?

Did you get on the Internet and surf the
"History of Burnt Black Churches of Arkansas" homepage?

Wait! Let me guess!
David Duke said it never happened?

If Clinton said it, you immediately assume it's not true.
Is that why the voters can't trust your party?

60. Shameless exploitation:
      Christopher Reeve in a wheelchair.

Is this the King of all "Eat Me's?"

Reeve did NOT demand the presidency because he got hurt!
Dole's gotten more use out of his bad arm in the last
90 days than he's gotten in the last 50 years.

Christopher Reeve is 50 times more disabled than Dole,
but he's not whining about it.

61. Shameless exploitation: Gore's sister died of tobacco.

I may have to agree with this one.
How DARE Gore join Clinton in trying to save the 450,000
lives that Reagan's SG says are lost each year due to
political whores that take bribes from deadly tobacco.

How SELFISH of Gore to want to save 450,000 families
every year from going through that.

Just the like GOP to say Gore is faking the love
he claims he had for his sister.

I wonder, did Gore fake emotion at her funeral, too?

Who says the GOP has no heart?

62. "Throughout my life, I raised tobacco."
            - Al Gore, campaigning in North Carolina in 1988.

We've learned a LOT about tobacco since 1988.

Matter of fact, we've learned a LOT since Clinton got in.
Henry Waxman proved the Cancer Lobby lied about the
amount the nicotine they add to cigarettes.

We can't fault Bogart for smoking in the 40's,
but Bob Dole's whoring for Big Cancer in the 1990's?

That's a disgrace and the female vote reflects that.

63. Normalized relations with Vietnam,
      one of the planet's nastiest dictatorships.

Eat me, Eat me, Eat me, Eat me. Eat me.

POW John McCain, Republican EXPERT on Vietnam and, for some reason,
anything concerning foreign policy, joined Clinton in this "traitorous" act.

Decide, asshole.

If this is a reason to hate Clinton, it's also a reason to hate former-POW McClain
and the GOP so stop lying about your own party, dumbshit!

Hey, Jacoby!

Why do you need BartCop, a Clinton Democrat, to get you
to stop lying about Republican war hero John McCLain?

64. In an "honest bureaucratic snafu," Clinton aides rifled
      FBI files of more than 900 Republican opponents.

Good for them.
I'm glad they did, IF they did.
I hope they got pictures of Rush on Slappy, videotape of Dornan and the donkey,
and every billing slip of Newt and his hookers on his American Express.

If the Republicans had nothing to hide,
why are they upset that someone saw their file?

You wanna look in my file?

Go right ahead, then blow me.

65. Triangulation.

That's bad?
The center is bad?
When did the center become bad?
Did Ralph Reed say so?

Triangulation is being to the right of Act Up,
but still being left of David Duke.

Hey, Jacoby! Use your fucking head!

That's where AMERICA IS!!!!!!!!!!!
That's where the voters are, dork!

66. The huge 1993 Clinton tax increase hiked taxes retroactively.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, we ALLLLLL got hurt by the

Is that why the deficit dropped?
Is that why the stock market is soaring?
Is that why unemployment is at a 30-year low?
Is that why housing starts are up 13%?
Is that why inflation is dead?
Is that how we got 10,500,000 new jobs?
Is that why Reagan's MISERY INDEX is at an all-time low?

Mr. Jacoby, when you're done with me,
put your foot back in your mouth!!

67. The candidate: "Serbian aggression must end."
      America should halt Serbian aggression.''

      The president: "The UN controls events in Bosnia."

I don't know enough about Bosnia to have a good opinion,
but your lying ass was caught on sixty five of sixty six points so far,
so we'll just assume you're lying on sixty seven, too.

68. Missing files. Shredded files. Stonewalled files.
      Carted-out-of-Foster's-office-at-night files.

Again and again, you assume facts NOT in evidence.

If ANYONE took ANYTHING from his office,
they'd have been put on trial by now.

What you have is speculation by no-life wannabees.
If Starr had a scintilla of evidence, we would've known years ago.

The fact that the never-ending-conpiracy caused your big 1994 revolution to die
seems totally lost on the mental-midgets that arranged it.

69. Turned a blind eye to the Russian slaughter in Chechnya.


Now you want Clinton to commit American ground troops in a Russian Civil War?

Clinton is Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too smart for that.
That's the kind of fuck-up a George Herbert Traitor Butch
might get America sucked into, but not Bill Clinton.

You know, WHINE as you must, Bush/Clinton lost about 21 soldiers,
21 too many to be sure, but only 21, and Bush sent them.

Reagan lost 241 in one goddamn day.
And he lost them to Ollie North's trading partners.

Butch lost more than that, plus the thouands affected
by his giant fuck-up in Kuwait.

Reagan and Butch brought war and recession.
Clinton brought America PEACE and PROSPERITY!!!
That's why he's so hated by the Republicans.

If it wasn't against the law, Clinton would be a 4-termer.

70. Defamed Special Prosecutor Ken Starr.

No reply necessary.
Kenneth Starr indicted a ham sandwich back in 1994.
If the son-of-a-bitch calls cuts of meat to the stand, how much credibility can he have?

71. In 50 years, he's never had a private-sector job.
      It's time.

Fine, fine.
How cute!

He just turned 50, you nut.
You wanted him to work at age one?

Besides, Dole was a Washington insider when Clinton
was in the third grade. Why should Clinton take the blame?

72. "If I were a single man, I'd ask that mummy out."

Asked and answered.

In a Dole Administration, there'll be NO sex with the dead.
When Elizabitch makes a promise, she KEEPS it.

73. Innocent Travel Office staffers were fired on Hillary's orders.

How is that slur flawed?
Let me count the ways.

A. Nobody except Dick Morris's whore has claimed Hillary ordered anything,
and that was third-hand hearsay.
Just like spoon-fed sheep to take the word of a whore over America's president,
but then again, they did it with Paula Jones, so why I am surprised?

B. Do the Republicans know the MEANING of the word shame?

C. And the "innocent man" who "accidentally" put $50,000 of taxpayer money in his
private account and offered to plead guilty to two counts of grand theft? That guy?

Shit, had he been armed, he'd have NRA money behind him.

74. "I am the only president who knew agriculture."

Just for sport's sake, we'll grant you that one.
I never heard that Clinton said that, but what if he did?
He's from a state full of farmers.

Compare that to Bob Dole's "Milk is as harmful as cigarettes."

75. Vetoed the bipartisan bill to ban late-term, partial-birth abortions,
       which Daniel Patrick Moynihan calls ``close to infanticide.''

Where are my boots?

The Coathanger Coalition made that shit up!!!!!!

Besides, just for grins, assume the worst is true.

Susie "Creamcheese" Molinari,
Fonze D'Amato,
Governor Pataki of New York,
Governor Whitman of New Jersey,
Governor Weld of Massachusetts,
Governor Wilson of California
and countless other Republicans allllllllllllllllllll believe in "infanticide."

Why doesn't Bob Dole get his OWN house in order?

Bob Dole's WIFE AND DAUGHTER are baby killers,
according to the definitions outlined by Ralph Reed.

76. Third World dictators laugh at Warren Christopher.

ha ha

Like Lebanon feared Ronald Reagan?
Like Grenada feared Ronald Reagan?
Like Noriega feared George Butch?
Like Saddam feared George Butch?
Like Somalia feared George Butch?

That argument is shakier than Limba on a step-ladder.

77. Percentage of Americans who believe the Clintons
      have broken the law: 53%

Percentage of Americans who would rather
Clinton be president than old Bob Dole: 55%

78. They don't call him "Slick Willie" for nothing.

They don't call Ollie North "Hezbollahboy" for nothing.
They don't call Ronald Reagan "affable dolt" for nothing.
They don't call Butch "bastard traitor" for nothing.
The list is endless...

79. He wants more money for the National Endowment for the Arts.

Ok, OK. We gave you Craig Livingstone.
That's 1.

We gave you the I-know-farming "scandal."
That's 2.

OK, OK, we'll also give you the unforgivable sin of wanting to preserve the arts
for future generations because we feel so goddamn sorry for your losing ass.
That's 3.

(Hold onto your hat)

80. National debt,
      1992: 4 trillion.
      1996: 5.2 trillion.
      Clinton increase: 30 percent.

Is this the biggest shit of all 80 reasons?

1981 - Reagan inherits less than $1,000,000,000 debt,
and he & Butch raise it to $4,500,000,000 for Clinton.

Mr. Jacoby,
Mr. Math Wizard,
Mr. Keeper of Statistics,
Mr. Goddamn Know-It-All, I have a question for you:

True or False:

Going from $1 Tril debt to 4.5 Trillion is a 450% INCREASE.

What's bigger, Jacoby?

30 percent or 450 percent?

Then, the smug-smartass closes with this:

I know, I know - I've left out plenty.
(Sure, like the truth, you slut.)

But newsprint is expensive, and 80 reasons should be enough.

(80 reasons? You have Craig Livingstone, and I gave you farming
and the "wasted money" for the arts.)

Jeffy-boy, you got 3 out of 80 correct.
Maybe next time, you should get Dan Quayle to help you.

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