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The BartCop Reader


Volume 432 - Turn Me On, Dumb Man 
.Old Stuff .  .......... ....Celebrity-hoe-mails ...... .....  ...Required Reading.  .....   .The Myth of the Liberal Media
                 .Onthe Far,  Far Horizon........................LiveWeb Cams ........................TheRuby Tape           The BartCop Tax Plan
..............................BartCop Store......................................................................................Make payments with PayPal - it's fast, free and secure!... ...... ..................................................................................................................................................................................Support

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 March 21, 2001 
 VCR Alert - Survivor
is on tonight, instead of Thursday. VH-1 is doing "selected outtakes" from the
  Hall of Fame Show a few days ago, which means they'll show rockers performing onstage while the
  head-up-his-ass host of the show rambles on with shit nobody cares about. Why can't they show the
  acceptance speeches and the after-jam and cut the crap out? The Angie Harmon Show is real tonight,
  but the West Wing is a repeat, natch, because they couldn't find a goddamn basketball game to pre-emp it.
  The Job has it's second episode tonight. The first one was OK, but it could go either way.
  You know, Denis Leary is pretty funny on his own, and you can tell which lines he wrote (he's co-exec-producer)
  and you can tell which lines some idiot, cookie-cutter Hollywood bonehead writer came up with.
  If we were watching the show together, I'll bet I could pick out 90 percent of Leary's lines and show you
  which lines the suits said had to be included to screw the timing up.
  On Letterman, Jerry Seinfeld does his first free TV stand-up act in many years. Leno has Steven Seagal, who,
  for a tough guy, walks like a supermodel doing runway, but I'd never tell him that in person. 

 The End of

 No, we're not going anywhere, at least not that we know of...
 But with all the dot.coms failing, it made we wonder - how will  finally end?

 Maybe we could have a contest, and whoever picks the most accurate scenario
 of the death of  should win a prize of some sort.

 So, how do you think it will end?

 I could get get t-boned by a bus one day and just disappear from cyber-space.
 That'd be bad, because Mrs. BartCop doesn't know FTP.
 You'd never know what happened, I guess until Marc Perkel called the house
 and the Widow BartCop felt like talking, which might be years afterwards.

 I could eventually be driven crazy by ditto-monkey logic and fall into some
 downward spiral where I just keep typing "Pigboy" and "whore" over and over.

 I could gradually become more and more boring and watch the hits drop, but,
 like a good TV show, I'd want to go before I became a parody of my own unfunny ass.

 I could get scooped up by some wealthy lawyer who wanted to produce  BartCop TV,
 (cough, cough, cough) and then I'd become too busy to spend the hours needed here.

 I could get fed up with Oklahoma congressmen representing the millionaires who live in
 LA, New York City, San Fransisco and Barney Frank's district in Massachusetts and
 run for office, but with my politics, I wouldn't get ten votes in God's forsaken Dust Bowl.

 I could be assassinated by a Tim McVeigh Republican.

 I could get fired because my boss is tired of paying me peanuts to play BartCop all day
 and be forced to get a real job that didn't provide the hours needed to keep it going.
 Geez, that's creepy, I didn't think about that until I wrote it.

 I could get knocked off my ass by a bolt of lightning, thereby realizing that there really
 is a God, but it'd be too late because I'd already be on my way to Hell.

 ...and there must be dozens possible scenarios that would kill
 that I haven't thought of, so why not make a game out of it?

 How do you think  will end?

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "America spent more money advertising Halloween candy
   than they did on the elections we just had in November."
    -- The Pied Piper of horseshit

 Caller:  But Rush, the elections cost almost a billion dollars.
               No way halloween candy advertising costs that much.

 "So what if it did? It's our money, we can spend it any way we want."

 ha ha

 The Limbaugh debating style.
 You say the goofiest thing in the world and there's nobody to call you on it.
 This time, he stepped in it big-time.

 If you heard the second hour today you know that's exactly how it happened.

 This is what happens when the vulgar Pigboy gets caught.
 This is why Rush can't join a panel discussion with honest people.
 Everything he says is the wildest horseshit ever invented and he knows it.

 A billion dollars spent on advertising Halloween candy?
 He's the most insane liar in broadcast history.

Stocks Pounded Again, Dow Drops to New Two-Year Low

 The Dow Jones industrial average tumbled 233.76 points to 9,487,
 not far above a fresh two-year low at 9,461.54, and the lowest close
 for the Dow since early March 1999.

 "Prosperity, itself, is on the ballot this November."
   -- Al Gore, again and again

 When Clinton was president, the Dow was at 11,000, and climbing.
 With the Idiot Smirk, it's under 9500 and plunging.
 Nobody has any confidence in Resident Dumbass.

 I Fought the Law

 At lunchtime, I'm trying to get back to the office and some woman cop is on the expressway.
 She's going 60, the speed limit, and the normally-driving 75 crowd is behind her, so traffic
 was bunched up like the damn Kentucky Derby with 35 horses.

 So I'm trying to get to my exit, and the lady cop didn't like the Earnhart I pulled to get there
 so she flips her lights on.  Well, when I get pulled over, Job One is breaking down The Baby
 so I don't get charged with carrying a concealed-loaded weapon in The BartMobile.

 I got The Baby taken care of, then pulled over.
 In a classic Richard-Pryor move, I get out of the car, showing her my ass and both hands.
 I showed her my ass so she could see I was reaching for my wallet - nothing else.
 Like Richard said, "We don't want no mother-fucking mistake, here."

 She must've been a drama major, because she comes running at me like that wide-necked lizard
 you saw Monday on Crocboy's Bitefest.  She was close to hysterical, which is always scary
 when the nut has a gun and the benefit of the doubt if something truly wacked happens.

 She said, "You're in deep doo-doo now, Buster," and then she smiled at me.
 She takes my driver's license and starts asking those tricky questions.
 "What's the Speed Limit on the Broken Arrow Expressway?"

 Hey, Lady, do I look like some fucking DMV instruction manual?
 You should know - you're the damn cop here.
 I guessed "sixty or sixty-five."

 She counters with "It's sixty, and how fast were you going?"
 S'cuse me, bitch, but I have a right not to incriminate myself.
 I told her "I dunno," and she didn't like that.

 All this time, I'm thinking I might get off with a warning, so I'm giving her the average dumbass Okie rube
 with the vulgar Pigboy playing loud enough for her to understand I'm "one of them," on my car radio .
 She started looking in the car, which was clean, 'cept for the Glock.  I always have my speech ready
 in case she hits me with, "You got anything in your car you shouldn't have?"

 When that happens, I say, "I have an unloaded and dis-assembled pictol under the back seat, Ma'am,"
 which is where it was by the time I stopped, but she didn't ask and I didn't volunteer shit.

 So she tells me to have a seat in MY car and wait for her.
 She goes back to the BustMobile and calls me into downtown to check for warrants.
 Well, hell, I'm cleaner than Clinton's campaign contributions.
  ha ha

 It took her longer than it should have, but eventually she comes back and, Swear to Koresh, says,
 "That woman you almost killed would've killed me, too."

 Now, as a rule, when someone's engaing me in debate/conversation and start sligging the horseshit
 I fire back, but still trying to avoid that ticket, I tell her how sorry I am.
 Then she starts with the list of charges I might be facing.
 Speeding - (for doing 62 in a 65)
 Resisting arrest or evading arrest, I forget what she said because she was yelling at me
 "for leading her on a mile-and-a-half chase," before I pulled over.


 Lady, I'm trying to get to my exit ramp when you "caught" me, and I pulled over once I was
 off the one lane off-ramp so blow me on the "mile and a half" Limbaugh-esque exaggeration.

 Then she starts in with "failure to signal," which I might've actually deserved,
 but I never saw Dale Earnhart signal when he needed to find his off ramp.
 Then she continues piling on.
 She starts telling me she's considering charging me with "reckless driving" which means jail time.

 Hey, Lady, I've had two broken femurs and a live rock club.
 You're not scaring me with this horseshit about doing hard time for not signaling a lane change.
 Christ, maybe I overdid the Okie rube bit, making me a better actor than she * (homage to Smirk)
 Plus, this whole time she's giving me this sing-songy, big Hollywood production with her voice.
 She kinda reminded me of my Aunt Jo, who always talked to me like I was in second grade.

 I figured it was time to start my defense, so I told her I've had just one ticket in the last 25 years,
 which is true, because I'm not stupid enough to lie to a cop who just ran my "sheet" a minute
 before this conversation, excuse me, ...trial took place.

 So the bottom line was, since I had a nearly-spotless record, she said she was only going to
 charge me with "turn signals," and wasn't that nice of her and wasn't it my lucky day?

 Yeah, lady, it's my lucky day, all right.
 I live in Knuckledrag, Oklahoma and I got to meet you.

 ...and my fine is two bottles of Chinaco Anejo, ...slut.

'N Sync passes on Green Bay stop
GREEN BAY, Wis. (AP) - Fans of 'N Sync can blame non-functioning toilets as one of the reasons
the popular children's band won't perform at Lambeau Field this summer. Promotion Management Inc.
said 'N Sync will not make Lambeau Field part of its tour, despite listing a Green Bay show on June 26.

Two of the biggest worries involved sanitation facilities, because the stadium's toilets are currently out of service,
and keeping a potential crowd of 60,000 away from dangerous construction areas.

Couldn't they just hand out 60,000 barf bags, instead?

 So far today, not a single e-mail on the "Priests Rape Nuns" story or the expected Contender backlash.
 I didn't print either just to get a reaction, but I did expect one.

 ...of course, had I incorrectly stated the name of the inventor of pennicillin,
 my mailbox would be flooded, but since the topics are sex, religion and politics, it's not.

   Froederick Fleming

 ...on my deathbed, you ask me who invented pennicillin and I'll remember.

 I gotta get in the Guest Speaker Business
 Look at this moron and what she teaches.

    Laura Doyle

 She wrote a book called "The Surrendered Wife"
 If you can't figure out what that means, you might be one.

 She says if you crazy women would just let your husband own you
 like a damn slave your worries vanish and the sex gets better.

 Not convinced?
 Need proof?

 More Expendable Income

 You may also notice you have more expendable income. Many women
 have reported that they do. I just got a call recently from a woman who
 was amazed that just after starting to apply these tools in her marriage,
 her husband made an unexpected cash bonus at work and won an
 all-expenses paid trip for two to the Ritz Carlton in Palm Springs.

 I often hear things like that from women who are following the
 suggestions in The Surrendered Wife.

 You see?
 What more proof could a ditto-monkette ask for?
 If you turn into your husband's willing slave, he'll win a trip for two to Palm Springs.
 Of course, he'll take that hot little number from the office, not you, but that's OK
 because you're a slave and you have no say in who goes on the trip!

 See how well it works?
 I wonder how Mrs. BartCop would feel about being a "Surrendered wife?"
 ha ha

 We won't be finding out, trust me.
 If I showed her that, I'd be sleeping on my stomach for a few weeks for safety.

 And how much does the Reverse Lincoln get for a speech?
 From her web page:

 Keynote: $5000
 Half Day: $6000
 Full Day: $7000

 Plus travel expenses.

 If this lady gets $5,000 a speech, for total horseshit,
 I should get double that if I say anything intelligent.
 Koresh, I could talk about The Big Story or the BartCop Tax Plan, both of which actually make sense.
 Shit, I'd do it for $4,000 if I could speak while sipping a shot of Chinaco Anejo.

 There is one thing I like about Christopher Hitchens - the man who hates everybody.
 When he goes on Dennis Miller to scream "whore" at Mother Theresa and Nancy Reagan,
 he has a scotch on the rocks in his hand like he's Dean Martin.  I like that.
 It makes it look like he'll say anything, which he will.

 To learn how you can become some male pig's slave for the rest of your life, visit

 Or, out the $7,000 and have Laura (Coincidence? I don't think so) explain it to you in person.

 One reason I can't make any money doing what I do is because the people who believe
 what I believe are too smart to pay some slave maker $7,000 to fly to their town to tell
 the women to be slaves to their husbands.  You know the Pigboy/Laura/Falwell crowd
 eats this shit up with a spoon, and that's crazier than President Dornan.

 Vic the Racist said again today that I could be rich if I would just switch sides.

 If I had a staff I could tell you the date, but I think it was just before the fraud election
 Pickles Smirk did an interview with somebody (Baba Wawa?) where she said,
 "I don't think Roe v Wade should be overturned."

 Do you know that was the last time she can have an opinion in public?
 Poor Pickles is a Surrendered Wife.
 The GOP is so proud that she's not "another Hillary," because Hillary's not a slave.

 How can you Republican women stand behind a shit like Ol' Smirky knowing he won't let his wife have an opinion?

 What's wrong with you women?

 I'm not saying you have to be a card-carrying member of NOW, but how do you sanction
 Smirk's refusal to let his wife have a goddamn opinion? How do you live with yourself?
 Being a member of the "superior" sex, I can't imagine what it's like being told to shut up.

 Do you remember a show - what was it called? - where all the roles were reversed?
 It was on a dozen or more years ago, but in this show, the women ran everything, and they
 all had cute and stupid boytoy asistants who were always crying about some dumbass thing
 while the women ran the world and told them not to worry their handsome little heads.

 It was only on for a half-season, I think, because people were so uncomfortable at seeing
 the reality of what happens when one sex controls the other, the way men do today.

 If America did that one day a year, switched roles, things would change a lot quicker.

 'Bigger Than '29 Crash'
  Templeton (never heard of him) Warns of Long-Term Bear Market

 Exclusive: Sir John Templeton, one of the world’s most respected investment advisers,
 told editor Christopher Ruddy that the fantastic Clinton run in the stock market
 was "the biggest financial insanity ever in any nation in history” and has led to a stock market crash
 greater than the Great Crash of 1929. He is advising investors to stay out of the market ­ and he
 doesn’t expect a recovery from the resulting slump anytime soon.

 "has led to a crash?"
 Was there a crash bigger than '29 I didn't hear about?
 This guy uses tense management like Smirky.
 It's a good thing the alarmist assholes at don't have many readers, eh?

 Yeah, I'd say when Hillary wins in 2004, we should see a rebound right after the election
 when consumer confidence soars because her husband knows how to handle the markets.

 By the way, Mr. President, what's your opinion of Smirk's job performace so far?


 I got a contribution on PayPal today!

 Sorry, I got excited - it's been a while...
 Thanks to Miguel Yznaga.

Angry Relatives Chase Judges Out of Court
 Kick their sorry asses for a stupid as hell ruling

HANOI (Reuters) - Judges in the Vietnamese city of Ca Mau were chased out of court and beaten
 after failing to hand down a death sentence to a teenager found guilty of rape, robbery and murder.

The Tuoi Tre newspaper said a panel of judges had handed down a 12-year sentence to Lam Hoang Kha
because he was under 16 years old. But the victim's family said Kha was over 16 and eligible for tougher punishment.

The paper said presiding judge Vo Hong Kiem had to jump over a fence to escape the victim's relatives
after reading the sentence. He was slightly injured in the melee and another judge lost his briefcase.

...but here in America, we say 'Thank you, may we have another?" when we get screwed.

 I caught a few minutes of Hannity and Stooge last night.

 What was the topic? Mel Reynolds - again!
 You know why? Cause he's black and blacks are all perverts, didn't you know?
 How do you think Fox got to be number one with angry white men?
 It's because they say the things the angry white men are thinking - "Niggers can't be trusted."
 You know, it's happened all over the world, but in K-Drag they had a very famous riot in 1921
 where whitey (meaning the Tulsa Police Force) burned down hundreds of black-owned homes.

 The reason?

 Gus thought he saw "some nigger" look at some white girl's legs, so gangs formed and they started
 torching homes owned by the darkies. Oh, what a great, Christian bunch they were, too.

 But thanks to Sean Hannity and Fox News for beating that race drum.
 Swear to Koresh, every time Hannity or Pigboy brings up Mel Reynolds, they have to repeat
 again and again, over and over, again and again, that Reynolds said, "I hit the Lotto," when
 the informant/narc/rat tells him there's a 15-year old Catholic girl in his future.

 Mind you, these are WORDS spoken by an informant/narc/rat who's trying to get Reynolds to say
 something "hot and juicy" so the GOP can play these tapes forever on hate radio to prove that
 all "niggers" are degenerate scum who got their civil rights because the pinko-socialist liberals.

 They beat that race drum every night, night after night, every night, just like Pigboy.
 And if O'Reilly keeps up his jihad against Jesse Jackson, he'll need his own cable channel.
 Every day when I get to work, Vic the Racist explains Jesse's newest crimes, as seen by O'Reilly.

 ...but they're not taking sides, beating a six-year old case to death for no goddamn reason
 other than Hannity is Catholic and hates blacks, just like his idol the vulgar Pigboy.


Subject: This is great

I did a Yahoo! search on "Reagan idiot" and found you.
Great stuff!

Incredible to think that this man personally screwed every member of the
middle and poorer classes with his own political dick and now every survey
says they think he's one of the greatest presidents who ever lived.
(Remember his speech when he said, "I've been poor and I've been rich, and let me tell you, rich is better"?)

There are even people in this country who think George W. Bush was "elected" president.

I take some solace in noticing that many columnists will not refer to him
as "President" with a capital "p":   It's always "president Bush".

He wanted the presidency.  His brother, Katharine Harris and the Supreme
Court delivered it to him on the silver platter to which he is accustomed.

And now he's in WAY over his gnat-brained head.
Thank God for the Democrats in Congress.
If it weren't for them, we'd be doomed.


Let's hope you're right about the Democrats.

Seeing your idea, I punched in "vulgar Pigboy" and got some hits.  was the first up.

 Under the Commander in Thief, life is hard and it's boring

 But boy, under Bill Clinton, who actually won the election, we had all kinds of fun.

 If you have speakers, you can go to
 and hear Jeb Bush sing "Ballot Box Blues."

 It's a quick-loading, 90-second ditty.

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "I have so many subjects to talk about today,
   and Bill Clinton isn't in any of them."
  -- Colonel Grunt, in his morning update, claiming he has a new format.
     He's lying. Bill Clinton is all he's got.
     He doesn't have the brains to talk about anything but Clinton's cock - or Mel Reynolds.

 Julia Roberts Gets $9000 per day under Smirk Millionaire Giveaway
 (as seen on

 Click  Here

 If George Bush knows of a reason Julia Roberts should get an additional $9,041 per day,
 I want to contribute. I mean, she can have my refund, which I haven't bothered to calculate
 since I saw George next to that big check he likes to trot out, the one made out to
 "US Taxpayer" for $1,600.

 That's per year.
 I assume my refund would be something like that, but George,
 just hang on to it and send it on to Julia.


 I haven't been to Napster in a few weeks.
 The whore press said it was ruled illegal and taken down.

 As I type this, I'm downloading some Chumbawumba, trying to find the song
 that mentioned my good friend Howie railing against Napster, some new Janet Jackson,
 some Aerosmith (They have that hot Big Ten Inch from Saturday's SNL) which I have,
 I just wanted to hear their version.

 So, as far as I can tell, Napster is still in bidness.

 Bandits in Black Robes
 (You can guess who this is about)

 Click  Here

 From: Cecelia@withheldcauseshesateacherandgaveherschoolname

 Subject: The Contender

 You wrote:
 >What if you went to Mardi Gras, and the women begged the men to drop their pants
 >so they could throw a string of beads around his Tom Delay?
 >See how crazy that is? That's not going to fly, no matter how equal women get.

 Actually, that sounds pretty good to me!


 Hey, hey, hey!
 It's not supposed to work that way...

 Introducing a new columnist - Isaac

 Click  Here


Subject: backbush tax b.s.

Click  Here

Obviously your expertise is cactus juice, not economics.   Haven't you ever heard that
figures don't lie - but liars figure.   The right-wingnuts long ago perfected the art of cooking
statistics to say whatever you want them to.

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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