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 April 25, 2001
 VCR Alert
- There must be a mistake, because they say a new episode of West Wing is on tonight.
  Did NBC get new owners?  Why would they run a new episode of anything on NBC?


Subject: some stuff that's on my mind

Hi, BartCop!
    The crowd's been a little rough on you the last couple of days
(actually, it's kind of nice, though, to see people forming their own opinions
and offering support for them, whether you buy their argument or not).
Anyway, I thought I'd toss out a couple more issues for consideration.

1.  Who scheduled the skeet shoot in Peru?  How long has the CIA been
yelling "pull" so other countries could shoot down planes from the U.S.?

2.  They claim that they thought this might have been a cocaine smuggling plane.
If they really thought so, perhaps they should have taken a closer look to see
if there was, say, a president or southern governor at the controls.

ha ha

3.  That "closer look" could have included a quick check for a flight plan,
and interception at the destination.  Even if they thought the flight plan was false,
they could have followed it.  Having the Peruvanites (Bushism) shoot it down
seems presumptive, to say the least.

4.  Where is the indignation from the Christian Right (which, of course, is neither)?
Or the press, for that matter? An innocent woman missionary and her 7 mo. old
daughter were killed because of this insane activity.

5.  Were these same agents in China recently?  Do they have a pilot among them?

On another note, the following headline is on an article in the 4/30/2001
Newsweek:  "DEATH OF A DREAM:  The co-creator of a popular magazine tells
what it was like to be fired by corporate forces allied with the president".

I plunged into the article, wondering which tabloid had angered the administration,
or thinking, perhaps, that we would learn an ugly truth about the end of Volt.
I finally got a glimpse of the cover of the magazine, and realized it was a Russian
publication.  I wasn't sure whether to feel relieved (temporarily) or extremely frightened
that it had sounded possible for it to be here.

The demise of the free press in America is truly an awful thing.
Thankfully, we have people like you fighting to keep the truth available.



Pam, it may be worse than you think.
For example, here in K-Drag, the morning drive man turned ditto-monkey
just so he could scream call Bill Clinton a "dirty rapist."

But screaming "dirty rapist" at the president isn't right-wing enough for this Bedrock-throwback,
so Michael Del Giorno, former top liutenant to Pat Robertson is now his competition.
Nowhere on Tulsa talk radio will you hear anything approaching what the majority of
Americans voted for last September.

We have two kinds of talk radio in Tulsa: Hard-right and ultra-hard right.

Same way for the newspapers.

The only paper in town was the Tulsa World.
In the last eleven national elections, the Tulsa World endorsed the idiot Smirk, Dole, Bush,
Bush Reagan, Reagan, Ford, Nixon, Nixon, Goldwater and Nixon.

But that's not good enough for Jim Inhofe's (R-Pissquik) state.

Today, a new newspaper came into existence - The Tulsa Beacon.
The Rush/Laura/Harvey station has been promoting them all day for free.
Well, I can't guarantee no money changed hands, but the talking ditto-monkeys
haven't stopped talking about The Tulsa Beacon since I turned on the radio today.
And I'm talking about both talk stations.

The reason for The Tulsa Beacon?

This city is tired of the far-left-wing-biased Tulsa World, which endorsed the idiot Smirk,
Dole, Bush, Bush Reagan, Reagan, Ford, Nixon, Nixon, Goldwater and Nixon.

Remember the Republican primaries?  That's how Tulsa is:
"I'm more right-wing than you are."
"No, I'm more right-wing than you are."
"No, I am."
"No, I am."

...and on it goes.
It's scary as hell.
They refuse to tell the truth, and they don't allow centrist points of view.
Smirky and Reagan and God, and Klinton is the Devil.

It's not a joke, anymore.
The majority of voters no longer have a voice.

 From: The Dark Revenger

 Subject: Clinton's cock

 If you are so obsessed with those that (he means 'who') are so obsessed with
 Clinton's cock, why don't you go suck Clinton's cock? Or have you already?
 You must know where he lives by now.

 The Dark Revenger

 ha ha
 Another bad first-impression Republican.
 Looks like somebody's losing their cool,
 At least you admitted your side is obsessed with his cock.
 They say that's the first step to recovery - admitting your side has the problem.

 To answer youre question, no, I've never met Bill Clinton and I believe he lives in Chappaquah, NY.

 Remember, I didn't chase Clinton's cock for nine years, YOUR side did.
 All Clinton ever wanted to do was lead.
 You side's been poking around in his pants all thru the nineties.
 And I know you guys enjoyed that.
 How else could semen have been on Hardon Kenny's copy of the impeachment referral?

 Hey, cool name, Dude.
 The Dark Revenger!  (Da, da, dahhh)

 Do you wear a costume with a cape?
 ha ha

 What are your colors?  Light yellow and dark yellow?
 What's the emblem on your chest - a dunce cap or a question mark?
 ha ha

 I think "Dork Scavenger" might be a better name for you.
 ha ha

 At least you know your Clinton-cock obsession is a problem...
 Good luck to Dork Scavenger.

 How did the Bush family make their fortune?

 Click  Here


 Smirky promised tax cuts "so help me God."

 He also promised our military boys a raise, but he didn't use God's name on the raise
 because the son of a Butch was lying about helping the military.

From: awkwardone

        I write a column in my high school newspaper titled The Orator's Corner, in which I take
a very liberal stance on many current social issues, especially capital punishment and foreign policy.
Some of the teachers at my Catholic high school like it, and I've never had a problem with administrative censorship.
The following is my April 2001 column...  notice that I slipped a few cheap shots in there about Smirk.

"I voted for Ralph Nader, and all I got was this lousy President"

 Click  Here

 Quote for the appointed President

'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day.
 Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'"
    -- Lewis Carroll, from Smirky in Wonderland

 A new USA Today/CNN/Gallup Poll indicates that although voters
 nationwide generally support many of the new president's policies,
 nearly half say he didn't win the election fair and square.

 Yet, the Democrats are too willing to be Smirk's cabana boy.

Bob Kerrey Bombshell
 Former Senator haunted by Vietnam massacre

 Click  Here

"I went out on a mission and after it was over I was so ashamed I wanted to die.'
  This is killing me. I'm tired of people describing me as a hero and holding this inside.''

 Bob, you attacked Clinton for wanting to keep a blow job secret, and now you admit this?
 I'd say this makes you an "unusually good liar," Bob.

 It's Payback Time for Jeffers

 As happens every year, the president honored the nation's teacher of the year at a White House ceremony.
 She is from Vermont. So, too, is the chairman of the Senate Education Committee.

 He wasn't there.
 He wasn't invited.

 The White House insists President Bush meant no calculated disrespect to Senator James Jeffords,
 a Vermont Republican, by not inviting him to the event Monday.

 This is a bald-faced lie.

 Of course this was a calculated slap at Jeffords, who split with Smirky last week on the size
 of his tax cut for the super-rich and threatened to bolt to "the other side of the aisle"
 if Smirky's threats got too snippy.

 Why won't the press call Bush on this when he tells his bald-faced lies?

 What happened to honesty in the press?
 Why are they covering up for Bush?
 Why can't we just get the truth?

 It's unconscionable that people have to go to BartCop's Comedy Treehouse
 to get the true facts about this lying thief who calls himself "president."

 ...and the press constantly published stories about the "new tone" Smirk has set?

 How dare the press cover up the lies of this bastard president.

 Morton Downey Jr.
 Robert Downey Jr.

 Two men, sharing the same name and a drug addiction.

 Robert was arrested again, which hardly seems possible.
 Robert has several things working against him:
 1. The drugs he likes are illegal.
 2. He likes to do those drugs outside.
 3. When he sees a "sharp curve ahead" sign, he ignores it.

 Morton, on the other hand, liked a legal drug, one that kills.
 Morton knew he'd have to leave Earth if he kept smoking, but he couldn't stop.
 Robert was getting paid (perhaps) $50, 000-100,000 per week to kiss this women.

 Robert had the life many men wish for - fame, money, women, cars, drugs - whoops!
 But nooooooooooooooooooo.
 The drugs meant more to him than his freedom.
 Christ, that's sad.

 Robert was fired by David E. Kelley and written out of the season-closing shows.
 Regardless of his legal wizardry, his career seems to be over.

 Robert was never my favorite, but I always knew who he was (didn't he do Chaplain?)
 I think the first time I ever saw his work was un US Marshalls with Pamela Anderson's husband Tommy Lee.
 (Just saying HI to my old friend Bojan in Bosnia!)

 But I really, really liked his work on Ally McBeal.
 They say he turned that show around. He was a great actor on that show.
 His work was very calm and effortless, but still intense.
 His character was so well-defined, other actors must've been jealous. called him the most talented actor of his generation.

 It's hard to believe he could do that high quality work on heroin and cocaine.
 But then again, Darryl could hit home runs while high, so what do I know?

 It's damn sad, losing Robert this way.


 I hear the conservatives whining that if an actor "comes out" and admits
 he's a Bush supporter or a conservative, they can't get work.


 Is there even one example of this fraudulent theory?
 Are there any decent Republican actors?

 Charlton Heston - can't act, never could
 Major Dad - can't act, never could
 Shannen Doughtery - can't act, never could
 Bo Derek - can't act, never could
 Mel Gibson - can't act, never could
 Arnold - can't act, never could
 Rapist Reagan - can't act, never could
 Ben Stein - can't act, never could
 Ted Nugent - if he could act, he couldn't act
 Billy Jack - can't act, never could
 John Wayne - can't act, never could
 J. J. Walker - can't act, never could
 Bruce Willis - can't act, never could
 Clint Eastwood - can't act, never could
 (Well, those last two can play a squinty-eyed loner, but they can't act)

 Who are the actors who are getting blackballed?
 Who are the "talented" republicans who can't get work?

 I'll tell you what it is:
 Republican actors have no range or emotions because they have no heart.
 If they could put themselves in someone else's shoes, they'd be Democrats.
 Republicans have no place telling stories.

 If you know of a conservative who can act, write to me.

 A website for Senate Democrats

 Click  Here

  The Whole World is Laughing
 Presidency of Dunces
  (Once again, we must leave America to hear a dissenting opinion)

  Click  Here

 The scene is the Oval Office. The time is early April 2001. The United States and China
 are locked in a stand-off with 24 American aircrew held captive, their spy plane
 downed. Behind the desk is President George W Bush, grilling his aides on this
 complex diplomatic confrontation. Just as John F Kennedy interrogated his advisers
 during the Cuban missile crisis, so it falls to Bush to put the single question that
 might get to the heart of this superpower showdown.

 So what does Bush ask?
 "Do the members of the crew have Bibles?
  Why don't they have Bibles?
  Can we get them Bibles?
  Would they like Bibles?"

 Smirky, those men didn't need a fiction book about angels.
 They needed an intelligent president with a backbone.


 Subject: still wrong

 Click  Here


 Click  Here

Supreme Court OKs Arrest and Handcuffs for Minor Traffic Offenses

Whore City - A divided Supreme Court (5-4, you don't even need to ask) has ruled that
 police may arrest individuals for minor traffic or other misdemeanor offenses, such as
 unbuckled seat belts or public littering.

 The Whore Court declared the Constitution's Fourth Amendment, which bans unreasonable arrests
 and searches, does not prevent angry police from making such arrests on simple whims.

 The dissent warned the ruling ``has potentially serious consequences for the everyday lives of Americans.
 A broad range of conduct falls with this category,'' extending from traffic offenses to littering, for example.

 Souter, normally one of the sane members of the Whore Court, was joined by four Reichmeisters
 -- Chief Whore Rehnquist, and elves Scalia, Kennedy and Clarence Slappy Thomas.

 Well, I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem overly harsh to me.
 I mean, in Cincinatti they just murder you without any warning.
 Next to that, this Reich-ruling is a walk in the park.

 I remember how worried some people were, who thought Bush might turn America into
 some kind of fascist police state where spitting on the sidewalk might mean a beating..

 Boy, were they off-the-mark.

 Now, you'll get a broomhandle up the ass if a cop thinks you looked at him "funny,"
 and it's all perfectly legal and proper thanks to Smirky's theft-enablers


 There's a certain lonely freeper, ...initials LK.
 He seems to have stolen The Bird's thunder as "most crazed BartCop stalker."
 He bills himself as the "Anti-BartCop destroyer" or something like that.

 LK has multi-theater wars going with a dozen readers, maybe more.
 If you want to duke it out with LK, more power to ya.
 But don't think you're the only one he's pestering.

 But until he has the balls to get enough friends together to get in the ring on a Thursday night,
 there's no need to forward to me, cc's of your replies to him.

 Trust me, I'm not talking to you.

 LK is simultaneously sniping at a dozen or more sane people.
 If everyone sends me a cc,  I'm in trouble.
 Plus, many of you know he takes 2,000 words to make a point.

 Forgive me if I'm being too blunt.
 I just have more Lanny mail than I can handle.

 (There - you got your mention, OK?)


Subject: Bill Maher's rant

I think the Bill Maher rant regarding China was a load of macho, jingoistic, nationalistic right wing bullshit.
Frankly it also sounded a little racist.

I am surprised someone like you Bart, who is obviously a liberal would go in for that kind of crap.
I'm not surprised it came from Maher because he is, despite strongly defending Clinton
(which I will always appreciate him for),  really a conservative.

That sort of crap went out with the cold war.
Anyway I don't go for that flag-waving patriotism nonsense, I am an internationalist.
Besides he did not attack smirk once in his diatribe, had he I would feel differently.

Laura, one good thing about us being open-minded liberals is that we can still be friends
even though you are completely wrong on this.

I know you've never been a man, but there's something huge at stake.
You can take all the hundreds of thousands of words that have been written and spoken
about this spy plane deal, but it all boil's down to this:

Bobby is 12 and just moved to town and he's starting his first day at the new middle-school.

IF, that first morning as he's walking to school, some two-bit bully tells Bobby he needs to
come up with some milk money if Bobby wants to have a good first day at school.

Now, Bobby has at least two choices, but,
IF he pays that bully that first day, he's screwed forever.

That's one part Maher had exactly right. He said,
"I know men are evil and crude.
  But sometimes, a little macho is what you need."

This is the part I forgive you for not knowing about.

If we tell the class bully we're "very sorry" and give him money, we're fuct.
If we establish the precedent that when China screws up, we apologize,
then China will take Taiwan and demand an apology from the United States.

That class bully can't have an inch, especially since Bobby knows karate and can kick his ass.

The point was not those 24 American warriors.
The point was a peaceful planet for the next 50 years.

As far as racist, yeah, he did an "Asian driver" joke, which was a joke lost on me,
because Oklahoma doesn't do Asians.  Are Asians in a lot of wrecks?

One other thing that's perhaps not been made clear:
I'm not suggesting we should've sacrificed those 24 people.
I'm saying peace on planet Earth outweighs their lives.
Once we knew they were alive and healthy, China was under worldwide pressure
no to torture or kill those people. If China tortured and murdered innocent Americans
for no reason, you'd see a China blockade/quaranteen like nobody's ever seen.

...and I pity the fool country that sides with China when they murder innocent Americans
while the whole world's watching after a real president warned them not to.

Remember 1979?

Reagan's trading partners Hezzbollah stormed our embassy in Tehran and kidnapped everyone.
America was powerless - if we wanted to save those lives.

Then the Ayataollah (or one of them) threatened to put our diplomats on trial.
In perhaps the toughest statement of his career, Jimmy Carter got on TV and looked
the Ayatollah in the eye and said, "You will NOT put those people on trial."

The Ayatollah backed off and we got those innocent people back 444 days later, after Saint Reagan
and CIA-Bush sent word to the Ayatollah that it was  "A-OK" to let them go.

You know another thing they never talk about?
Maybe Robert Parry could give us the exact quote, but after Reagan won in November 1980,
Iran wanted to release the hostages right away, and "word came" that no, they had to hold them
until January 20th, so Reagan would look like John Wayne instead of a back-stabbing swindler
by having Khomeinie hold those people an extra 75 days.

How am I the only one who gets pissed off about shit like that?
Why don't people talk about that?

(clears throat)

Laura, do me this one favor:
When you reply, you don't have to agree about my "Bobby's first day at school" analogy
but you should at least address it because that's what the MEN in the country are thinking.


Subject: language...

First, let me say that I DO enjoy the site.
I got the link from The Democratic Underground.
I just wanted to let you know, Mr. BartCop, that your references to "sluts", "whores", "pussies",
"skanky hos', etc. (not to mention the Belinda Playboy spread) is really not giving our party,
(Remember the Democrats?) a good name.

I understand that some of these terms were referring to scary Repug women, and I agree w/ you
as far as not liking them, but USING SUCH TERMINOLOGY IS VERY OFFENSIVE TO

Are you just another man who just doesn't get it?
We women already have the Repugs against us, you too?

Please reply.
P.S.- Do you want to alienate A LOT of women who visit your site?


First off, thank Koresh there are some fighters left in the Democrat party.
Hell, it could come down to me and you against the Republicans.

Y'know, if I had a dollar every time someone wrote to tell me how big I could be
if I stopped using the language most Americans use, I'd have a bunch of dollars.


I could say I was "gosh darn" disappointed in President Bush's misguided actions.

I could say the Democrats would "do good" to more forcefully vocalize some opposition.

I could say it's "very impolite" for Rush to call Chelsea, "the White House dog," but I
think the biggest problem the Demos have right now is they're either too polite or too scared

You and me, ...we're cut from the same cloth.
You could've written and said,

"Jeepers, Mr. Bart. I'll bet you could attract more fans with cleaner language
   instead of the stronger language you currently use, my friend."

No, you charged in like a tiger, and challenged me to stand up and defend myself!


We need more Crickets to stand up and fight!

...but what was wrong with that Belinda Carlisle deal?
I remember a little cleavage, less than you'd see Oscar night.
Those were all PG pictures, weren't they?

If you mean that sit-in-judgment attitude I was wolfing, c'mon,
if she's going to be in Playboy, a man can ask his friends if she qualifies, right?

I suggest we point our guns towards the bad guys.
Our side needs fighters.
We need people ready to raise some hell.

If we lay down - we're dead.

 At the Gym

 This seems to be "attack the host" day, but I need to go out on another limb.
 I'm at the gym Monday, and to me, a locker room is  place to shower and change clothes.

 I have no problems with the male form, I have one myself.
 But I come back from working out, and there's some dude standing there,
 pretty much AT the entrance to the locker room, and he's standing their naked at the mirrors
 which constitute the hallway to the lockers, naked as Ron Jeremy, and he's shaving.

 There he stands, with his big hairy ass, shaving.

 Dude, there's two new things in town. One is a towel, and another one is a hair dryer.
 Why don't you step from the shower, dry yourself, put on your panties and then stand before
 the mirrors and go through your (face) shaving ritual with your hairy ass put back in it's cage?
 Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing, and I repeat, I have no problem with utility naked.
 Christ, you can't go swimming until you drop your pants - that's not a problem for me.
 But standing in the hallway with your naked ass?

 Since this is "attack the host" day,  I suppose my gay brothers will write and complain
 that I'm not tolerant enough to the male ass, but that's not ever gonna work.

 I have a new hierarchy of "go away."

 1. Tom Green
 2. A man's hairy ass.
 3. Moving in with Larry Klayman.
 4. Probably involves Linda Tripp, so let's move on.

 When I bolted, he was still shaving, with his big hairy man's ass.

 Then, ...there was the other thing.

 At "Planet Fitness," where Lynda Von Schtupp works,
(we tried three gyms, there's a story there,  but I need to break my back or something
 so I have more time to write.) there was this other weirdo.

 I think it was my second workout at Planet Fitness.
 Funny how the three big-name gyms in K-Drag are so different.

 "Planet Fitness" had more neon, more babes, Lynda Von Schtupp, and more TV's,
 but they wanted $700 a year, and I'm sorry, I'm not willing to pay $700 a year for good health.

 Anyway, besides those other anomononees,*(homage to W&S)  they had scales in the locker room.
 It's my second time there, so I figure I'll weigh myself to get a baseline.
 So when I'm done pounding iron (is that the phrase?) I go into the locker room and there's
 some dude, in his Ned Beatty panties, on the triple-beams, weighing himself.


 ...I hope I didn't give away my druggie past by referring to the scales as "triple-beams,"
 but that's what they were, they had triple-beams, so fuck it.

 (sorry Cricket)

 So I shower and change and when I come out, that same dude is still on the scales,
 in his underwear,  staring at whatever numbers the scales were giving him.

 It's been six or eight minutes, and Beatty is still standing on the scales.
 I'm trying to get a baseline, here, and Ned is hogging the triple-beams.

 I don't like being in a room with men without pants when one of them starts to act "funny."
 I think when men pull down their pants, there should be a strict rules of protocol.

 I guess the worst part was, since it had been 6-8 minutes, I assumed he'd soon be done decoding
 the tricky scale equation theorem so, like the blank-slate ignoramous that I am,  I stood there
 for a minute and waited. Ned just stared down at the scale readings, like Michael Spinks.

 I guess he just couldn't believe the news, whatever it was, but as the minutes ticked by,
 and the numbers fail to respond to those mental commands he was surely broadcasting,
 shouldn't the guy give up after,, ...ten minutes?

 I never did get to weigh myself, so I just left.

 That was my last trip to Planet Fitness.
 Did I mention that Planet Fitness was open 24/7?

 I hope he's not still there.


Subject: recent supreme court

Hi Bartcop,

Could you explain on your site why the center-left s.c. justices voted
to keep a 47% black congressional district; and Scalia didn't.

I thought the district was racist gerrymandering.
Or am i wrong?

MB, you could be wrong, I have no idea.
You'd be surprised how much I don't know about gerrymandering.
I know what it is, but I have no opinion on it.

 The Bird Comes Thru

 Christopher Hitchens Hates Everybody
  But he hates Bill Clinton most of all.

 Click  Here

 I've seen Hitchens do at least a dozen interviews, and it's always with a Clinton-hater.
 Why can't the American media put Hitchens in a room with Carville or McDougal or
 Bill Press or somebody who can take the truthful side and let them battle it out?

 Typical Hitchens interview:

 Q. What do you think of the late Mother Thersa?

 A. She was a whore, no doubt about it, just like Nancy Reagan.

 Q. How big a crook was Clinton?

 A. The biggest!

 Q. What bothered you the most about Clinton?

 A. The rapes, the child murders, the crimes, the thefts.

 Q. How big a monster is Clinton?

 A. The biggest!

 ...and what have we learned?

 That Hitchens hates Clinton, Mother Theresa and Nancy Reagan.
 If you hear a dozen interviews with Hitchens, you'll hear those words a dozen times.

 Can American journalism possibly get any worse?


Subject: Email address

Hi Bartcop,
I'm trying to contact the webmaster at
a site which carries some of the images you've been putting up of late.

I assume these images were emailed to you; if so, could you help me out with the email address
from which they were sent? I have tried the email address listed at the site and it isn't working.

Roy Batty

Roy, not sure I can help, but there's a chance will see this
and contact you or correct any problems. They do good work.

 A double shot of Wolf

 Check out Wolf's great work at


Subject: Scott Davis Interviews BartCop

Scott: Care to disclose your real name? If not, why not?

BartCop: Actually, there is no "BartCop."  One of the project managers working on an
artificial intelligence project for IBM got caught masturbating at work and was fired.
He thought he knew enough to continue the project on his own, so he built a computer in his
garage and called it "BartCop," after his cat, but it never got any smarter than an IQ of 64.
He brought in outside help to try to make BartCop smarter, but all they got out of it was crap.
Every time BartCop tried to show some intelligence, the results were so stupid and ignorant
that the whole team was rolling on the floor laughing. It was like the Three Stooges, but stupider.

The team kept tweaking it, but it never could produce. The team finally figured out they could
get BartCop to download news stories off the net, then take whatever came out and run it through
the cursing-Oakie-dialectizer at  The results seemed funny, so they started this
newsletter and it took off - if "took off" is what you call it when it takes six years to break 500 hits.

Most of the team has moved on now.  BartCop was set on autopilot in the summer of 1999.
One of the guys even figured out a way for BartCop to read and respond to e-mail. Every July 4th
and New Years the team gets together to try to improve it, but BartCop seems to be incapable of
learning anything new.  Everything is "Pigboy" this and "whore" that.  It's such a disappointment.

Scott: Why do you use Koresh as an exclamation?

BartCop: The team was represented by seven different religions. When the cursing-Oakie-dialectizer
asked us which God's name to take in vain, we were stuck until Larry Klayman came on CNN and
said he was representing David Koresh's "ethereal spirit" in a class-action lawsuit against Bill Clinton
- so we just figured it was a sign from God and we went with it.

Scott: Where is Knuckledrag?

BartCop: One of the writers married a girl from Oklahoma, and he's stuck in that Koresh-forsaken hole,
the most ass-backwards place in America, so we tease him by making Knuckledrag the "home office."
He hates it when BartCop runs that line.

Scott: Is that where you live, if not, where?

BartCop: The team is from all over: Two in Brooklyn, one each in Las Vegas, St Louis and Oklahoma.
Our Mr Spock lives in Braintree and Marc Perkel, the ringleader, is in sunny San Francisco.
That's why those "vacation" stories are always about the same places. Right now, the Brooklyn team
is phonying up some touristy New York "vacation" pictures for the late-May issues.

Scott: Why do you care so passionately about politics?

BartCop: When we discovered BartCop was stuck in "stupid" mode, we knew we couldn't get it to
work on any intelligent topics. It had to be a topic full of morons, dweebs, waistoids and dorks so
"BartCop" would fit inPolitics was a smooth mesh.

Scott: What political party do you belong to?
           It seems like Democratic, but sometimes you don't like them either.

BartCop: Well, there were no Nazi's on the team, so we didn't want to make BartCop conservative,
so we went with the Demos until they went full-pink tutu.  Now BartCop is really confused.

Scott: How do you know Susan McDougal?

BartCop: None of us really "know" Susan McDougal, but our Okie rube fell into some easy money
when she gave her first post-prison speech in Tulsa so he bought tickets. He got to meet her and got her
autograph. She even gave him her home address when he asked for her e-mail address. His constant bragging
about that accidental good luck has made him so hard to work with, we may drop him from the team.

Scott: Why is there a "Thanks for the fumble, dude" quote barely discernable at the end of every column?

BartCop: The very first assistant BartCop had was a hueueuege fan of the Oklahoma Sooner football team.
His name was Sabutai. He died a couple of days before the Sooners won the championship in January.
Between his death and the big game, BartCop, with that ironic, moronic sense of humor, jokingly asked
Sabutai (who was at least as ag as BartCop) to "send a signal from the other side."

Well, instead of re-telling that whole story, check the ends of Volume 370 and Volume 373.

Scott: What kind of job allows you such time to write so extensively?

BartCop: It's a computer - it just stays on...

Scott: Thank you for sitting for this interview.

BartCop: Thanks for asking easy questions.

 I forget...

 Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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