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Volume 1199 -
Bought by Oil
"We've got 1,800 veterans dying each day, and only
We needed to do something to fill the void."
--Lt Col Cynthia Colin, on why
the military has been using "ceremonial buglers"
at some military
funerals - a tape that sounds like the real thing, Attribution
Attacks on U.S. Must Stop
America's top general in the Middle East has
warned Iraq the U.S. military will use stern
measures unless they curb attacks against coalition
forces. The warning was another sign
of a "get tough" campaign against insurgents, who
have accelerated attacks against U.S.
and coalition forces in recent weeks. U.S. forces
had eased off on raids during the Muslim
holy month of Ramadan, which began in late October.
"Neither America, nor the father of America, scares
us," said one resident, Najih Latif Abbas.
"Iraqi men are striking at Americans and they retaliate
by terrifying our children."
great. The media loves me. I'm the man!
is my big chance! I'm a big war hero!"
marred by computer woes
Software goes crazy - again
"It was like 144,000 votes cast," said Garofolo, whose
corrected accounting showed
just 5,352 ballots from a pool of fewer than 19,000
"Believe me, there was nobody more shook up than I was."
I think we can safely assume no Democrats were shook up...
Each year, America sets aside one day to honor and
cherish its veterans.
Pity about the other 364.
Younger vets from Gulf War I continue to be plagued
by mysterious illnesses that the VA generally
continues to refuse to acknowledge or treat as
service-related. And now, American soldiers are back
in Iraq, trapped in a nightmare scenario. Some
aren't coming home alive. Rumors abound that many
who are coming home are suffering even more extensively
and seriously from mystery maladies.
For all of this, the VA and the Bush Administration
are stonewalling pleas from vet groups, young and
old alike. George "AWOL in wartime" Bush can wear
a uniform for a photo-op, but the men and women
who actually took on risk for their country are
at best the victims of a sort of cruel political expediency,
forgotten except when some president or congressperson
wants to wrap themselves in a flag.
Filling a suit
isn't enough any more
There is an old Brady Bunch episode in which
Greg is plucked out of obscurity by a talent scout
who says she is going to make him a rock star.
It turns out his singing ability didn't attract her
- a production studio would make Greg's voice sound
however she wanted - but he had the
right physique for the glittering costume.
This is how George Bush got to be president. He
was the perfect front man for the corporate interests
and right-wing ideologues who were looking for
a guy who was both electable and malleable.
Like Greg, he fit the suit.
'Disinfotainment Today' by Michael Dare
Madonna on Dave
John Kerry on Leno
Bill Clinton in China
Michael Moore calls on the Brits
Jerry Springer at 'Jerry Springer - The Opera'
'Straight Plan For The Gay Man'
Shoshana, Jessica & Britney
Tony Danza's Disney talk-show
And, the Koran in chocolate
"If I went to a funeral this afternoon of a fallen
soldier in Iraq, what would I say?
Did they fall there for democracy? They are
not going to have a democracy.
It is going to be the Shiite democracy, like
they have in Iran -- at best.
That is exactly what Secretary Rumsfeld said
we were not going to have.
Was it for nuclear? No. Was it for terrorists?
No, they didn't have terrorists there.
Your son gave his life for what? As their Senator,
I am embarrassed. It wasn't for
any of those things. Why we went in, the administration
has yet to tell us.
They keep changing the rules and the goalposts
--Senator Fritz Hollings, Attribution
Gee Senator, with 400 dead, you're thinking it's finally time to begin
to raise your voice?
views force soldier out of military
I honorably served my country for eight years
in the United States Marine Corps; providing honest intelligence
analysis and collecting countless awards and promotions
throughout my career. I was also a leader and mentor
to scores of young men and women. In those eight
years, I sacrificed more of myself for this country than most
men and women ever will in their lifetime. But,
thanks to the zeal and quick judgment of this individual, I am no
longer serving our beloved country. His forecast
was correct. Following his letter to DoD, I was brought up on
charges of "Disloyal Statements." Not because
anything I wrote was disloyal, but because of my political views
and how they differ from Mr. Simpson and others
like him. The unfortunate aspect of this is not my demise, but
their inability to understand or accept the opinions
of others as different from their own. Nonetheless, I was forced
to retain an attorney and undergo weeks of scrutiny
before being cleared of the charges. I was, however, never
allowed to work in Intelligence again; forced to
separate the Marine Corps over threats that I would not be allowed
to reenlist. Never mind the fact that there is
not one single negative mark on my entire eight years of service
(the letter incident was considered "hush-hush" so
not even that made it on my record), or the fact that every one
of my superiors stood up for me during this time,
praising my abilities and loyalty to this country. None of that
mattered; only my "liberal beliefs."
Yard fury over
Special report from Alex, the globe-trotting, extra good friend of bartcop.com
White House security demands covering Pinhead's
visit to Britain have provoked a serious row with Scotland Yard.
American officials want a virtual three-day shutdown
of central London to foil anti-war protestors.
They are demanding that police ban all marches and seal
off the city centre.
But senior Yard officers say the powers requested
by US security chiefs would be unprecedented on British soil.
While the Met wants to prevent violence, it is
sensitive to accusations of trying to curtail legitimate protest.
Legitimate protests? What are they?
Protests aren't allowed in America under the
The whole world hates Bush - he can't go anywhere unless
the crowd is bussed in ditto-monkeys.
Clinton could walk in a f-ing McDonalds, any day of the f-ing week - but
Bush needs some 400-foot zone of silence?
Could it be that the average American stand stand his failed, Nazi ass?
You did a good job of defending southerners.
It was my fault I was the one who insulted
Give out my address: th@net.
They can spew their hatred (and their black-eyed
peas and grits) at me, not you.
Let's not forget the real enemy here: Nebraskans.
As a way to say I'm sorry I'll buy a month subscription
to the first southerner to sign up
for Bartcop Radio--because you don't even need
to be literate to listen to Bartcop radio.
I wish I could buy a membership for all three Southern
Democrats, but I am just a poor corrupt student.
America's dress-up president won't go near the wounded. But Cher will.
Have you seen all of that graphic media coverage
of the 2000-plus wounded servicemen and women who served in Iraq,
laying in military hospitals with missing limbs?
Me neither. I was made more aware of them last week by· Cher.
me, but fuck this war..."
You heard me right. And don't you dare laugh:
With the corporate media so hush-hush on the topic and Bush trying to hide
images of the dead and wounded, let's be thankful
there are still some divas with big mouths left.
"Why are none of Cheney, Wolfowitz, Bremer, the president,
why aren't they taking pictures with all these guys?
Because I don't understand why these guys are so
hidden· Don't hide them. Let's have some news coverage
where people are sitting and talking to these guys
and seeing their spirit.".
Note: Hear Cher's phone call in the next BartCop
Radio Show - up soon!
That story from Volume
1197 - Insurgents Rising that the NY Whore Times changed for Rove?
The Chicago Sun Times stayed with the original story.
Good for them, and shame, shame, shame on the New York Whore Times,
a once-great paper, for helping Bush and Rove screw this once-great country..
Click Here to
see the Sun Times version.
Click Here to
see the version stored on my hard drive.
Click here for
great Christmas gift ideas!
"He feels acutely every loss. He understands that
he is asking the American
armed forces and American families to make
the great sacrifices. But the
fact is that nothing of value has ever been
won without sacrifice."
--Condoleeza Rice, whipping the other slaves for Whitey Attribution
Hey Condi, what sacrifice did your boss make to win his valuable job?
Court to Hear Guantanamo Appeals
Why bother with this charade? They're on the BFEE payroll.
Bush-style, no lawyer, no trial. no phone calls
The Supreme Court will hear its first case arising
from Bush's anti-terrorism campaign following 9-11,
agreeing to consider whether foreigners held at
Gitmo should have access to American courts.
The appeals came from British, Australian and
Kuwaiti citizens held with more than 600 others
being Taliban or al-Qaida foot soldiers. Most were picked up in U.S.
anti-terrorism sweeps in Afghanistan following
the attacks of two years ago.
$350,000 for illegal airport strip search
No, we won't even ask... I'm in enough trouble already
The federal government has agreed to pay $350,000
to a woman who says she was singled out
for a strip search by Miami airport agents because
she is black.
The Justice Department agreed to settle a lawsuit
filed by Brent without an admission of wrongdoing
two years after she won an appeal that found she
was subjected to an unconstitutional strip search and X-ray exam.
In typical Bush fashion, the guilty aren't paying her
- we f-ing are - the taxpayers.
Why is the illegal Bush administration never held accountable for anything they
Subject: Will it float?
I am confused. I am not getting the
joke about Dave's baby floating.
I saw it on your site last week, and I heard it
on Weekend Update on SNL
(I thought of you when I heard Jimmy Fallon use
But obviously I am missing something. Will
you fill me in?
Thanks, and I love your site.
Kelly, about once a week, Dave does a nonsense skit where they get a
big tank of water
and some weird object like a plastic tub of pickles. Then he and bandleader
Paul guess if
the object will float or sink - then the girls drop the object into the
It's pure silliness, ...like 1/4 of bartcop.com
"America has entered one of its periods of historical
madness, but this is the worst I can remember:
worse than McCarthyism, worse than the Bay
of Pigs and in the long term potentially more disastrous than Vietnam.
The reaction to 9/11 is beyond anything Osama
bin Laden could have hoped for in his nastiest dreams."
- John le Carré
Subject: Thomas Jefferson
The Thomas Jefferson photo from the October sticker
contest was mine.
Here is the text of the email I sent:
"Thanks for the stickers. I thought you had forgotten
me but you found my SASE
under some mail and finally sent me the stickers.
I was almost forced to send you
one of those famous "I was about to donate until
you pissed me off..." letters.
Attached is a couple of pictures of a statue of
Thomas Jefferson sporting a Bartcop sticker.
I'm sure if he was around today he'd be a stringer
for the best web site on the 'net.
The statue is in Williamsburg, Virginia and depicts
Jefferson working on a draft of the
Declaration of Independence. But in fact Jefferson
wrote the Declaration in Philadelphia
in June of 1776. In fact, Jefferson was only in
Williamsburg for a few years in the 1760's
and hated every minute of it. A lover of great
architecture, he called the buildings in
Williamsburg "misshapen piles of bricks" and called
his professors and fellow students
"drunkards". Just a little history for you.
We don't have poker or tequila here in Williamsburg
but we do enough history to choke pig
(Jamestown, Williamsburg, Yorktown), Busch Gardens,
Virginia ham, and damn fine bourbon whiskey.
If you're ever down here in the tidewater of Virginia,
give us a shout and enjoy our hospitality. "
Thanks again for the stickers.
Andy, this will no doubt come as a shock to you, but I have history
I still can't figure out why, but back in my Hard Rock Island Live Rock
sometimes the on-duty bartender would say, "Bart,
this guy wants to see you do a shot."
Deciding it was economically advantagous to satisfy the locals, I'd
down a shot of Jack Black
like I was Bruce Durn on Gunsmoke or Heath Barkley after he found out Linda
Evans was his sister.
I still can't figure out why, but the Oakies stared in awe when I'd down
a shot of whiskey.
Subject: Bartcop, your politicallty
correct ignorance is typical
Greetings from Tennessee,
> "..I speak bad things about the South because I live
No, you don't.
You live in the MIDWEST if you live in Oklahoma.
You have proven time and time again you don't know anything about
Tulsa is 70 miles from Arkansas, where I finished high school and went
Half my relatives are Arkies, and I know them very well.
> "I assume your neighbors are like mine - ignorant rubes who hate blacks
You shouldn't assume anything of the sort. I've
never been to Oklahoma and I
bet the far majority of the folks there are just
Dude, how old are you?
Can't you understand why New York and California sent educated women to
and voted for Gore, but OK and TN voted for the ignorant rube who hates
blacks and gays.
How do you think a backwards-thinking caveman like Jim Inhofe (R-Pissquik)
got to the senate?
You think he got there because Oklahomans are educated, sophisticated and
Inhofe's qualifications consists of his hatred from the Clintons ...so
he's worshipped here.
We have bona fide snake handlers in Oklahoma.
That's not a joke.
Our new governor ran against Steve Largent, former GOP golden boy.
Largent lost the 2002 governor's race because he was against cock-fighting!
If you're not a cock-fighting, snake-handling Clinton hater, you're not
electable in Joklahoma.
Come to Tulsa and see how long it takes to spot a bumper sticker on
a pickup that says,
"Save America, lynch a liberal." Liberal
is their code name for "negroes."
Since I live here, it goes without saying Oklahoma is not ALL racist, KKK
Jim Inhofe fans.
Funny how I need to print that disclaimer every damn time this subject
I am NOT against every man woman and child south of the Mason-Dixon.
Why am I forced to explain the obvious again and again?
You really don't want to get rid of George Bush,
Treating Southerners like crap on you shoe is very
We're the key to victory.
I don't speak for
Dean but I'm guessing he was trying to say Southern voters are more than
flag-waving yahoos, but Bush will embrace Bob Roberts
and kiss the Dixie slave flag to make
Southern bigots feel comfortable with their racism.
Isn't that how this fight got started?
As long as I'm pissing off the South, I was very
disappointed in John Edwards with his, (paraphrase)
"The last thing we need is some Yankee coming
South to tell us what to think."
The first thing I thought of was Lynyrd Skynyrd
singing, "I hope Neil Young will remember,
Southern man don't need him around, anyhow," which
is a pro-lynching line.
I thought Edwards took an extremely cheap shot,
trying to bolster his standing with the "Land of cotton" crowd.
Last I heard, Edwards was below 50 percent in his
own state, so maybe that outburst helped him.
I submit that you and all politically correct
simpletons are the ones that needs to be educated.
RM, OK, let's try it your way:
Let's pretend the South is not more racist than the rest of the
Let's pretend we did not fight a civil war (more dead than Vietnam
and WWII together) to make the South knock that shit off.
Let's pretend the civil rights riots and Lester Maddox and George Wallace
were merely fiction.
Let's pretend I'm not old enough to remember white and black drinking
fountains in Little Rock and Memphis.
Even as the youngest of whippersnappers,
I always asked questions.
I remember bothering some nuns when I was very,
That's how I lost my good Catholic faith.
Let's say ...42 years ago, I was in Little Rock,
at a Main Street Woolworth's store.
I'd get thirsty, and I'd spot a drinking fountain,
When I got to the fountain, sometimes there were
2-3 white people in line ahead of me.
Even then, I was a very busy little boy. Right
next to it was the "Colored" drinking fountain.
I was too young to hate the black man,
I had no reason to hate them, and dammit I was thirsty.
So I drank from the "Colored" drinking fountain
and female witnesses everywhere clutched their pearls in shock.
Sorry, I'm off-track...
Let's pretend Bull Conner didn't exist and nobody ever heard of Jim
Let's pretend they weren't lynching blacks as recently as the fifties and
sixties, and some say today.
Let's pretend Sam Nunn's homophobia didn't sabotage Clinton's first weeks
Let's pretend Newt, Delay and Barr didn't impeach Clinton for being
a friend to the blacks.
Let's pretend Trent Lott, Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond were honorable
Let's pretend Zell Miller and John Breaux aren't blowing Dubya on
Madonna on Dave, no doubt with lots of tips on how to raise Harry.
If you're really old, it's back to Mayberry one
Friday - Jessica
Lynch on Dave.
Maybe she'll tell us how she feels about the Monster-in-Chief
I'd rather she reward Jon than Dave, but anything's better than ass-kisser
Dear Sam and BartCop,
My husband is probably one of your biggest fans,
and I pretty much see eye-to-eye with you on political issues.
We live in an religiously oppressive area, dominated
by the religious right. In an effort to lead some out of the ignorance,
I wrote the following article; but naturally, the
local newspaper (which prints a daily front-page quote from the Bible)
refused to print it. Feel free to use this
in any way you see fit:
of the Atheist
Why does the unbeliever baffle so many of the
religious? Is it so difficult to accept and appreciate life simply for
what it is - with no specific explanation?
How much more mysterious and majestic this universe
is without an exegesis! What an incredible lottery we have won!
It's awesome to be part of such unprecedented fortune
and to be more than just a pawn in some deity's scheme.
Heaven is not a distant place we only experience
with our demise. Paradise is here on earth. It is the smell of brewing coffee,
newly cut hay or sweet potato pies in the oven.
It is the feel of a mimosa flower brushed across the nose, the soothing hum
of a purring kitten or in the rush of sledding
downhill. Bliss is in the glitter of campfires, in uncontrollable laughter
and in the
serene land of early morning fog.
Death is merely a natural process in which our
bodies nourish that which continues to live. There is no "weeping and
gnashing of teeth," no "fire and brimstone," no
eternal Hell to suffer in. It can even be the peace or the end of pain
that some so desperately seek.
Even so, the dissenter of doctrine lives on. The
freethinker is embodied in the eyes, hands and minds of children.
The spirit of the sectarian will continue to thrive
in those who enjoy life - simply for what it is.
Coming back from that dreadful Scary
Movie 3, we saw a new Senior Tequilas,
which is a Mexican Restaurant we reviewed years
ago on this page.
We were hungry so I pulled in.
Last time we were there, they only had Cuervo posing as
I'll be damned, they now have 33 kinds of tequila
and really awful-tasting food.
I believe that's the biggest selection in K-Drag.
I'll have to go back there sometime when I'm not
Not now, Gomez!
I have to subscribe
so I can hear BartCop
Click Here to
Margie Schoedinger of
Missouri City, Texas has filed a lawsuit against
George W. Bush in Fort
Bend County Court. In her suit she is alleging
"race based harassment and individual
sex crimes committed against
her and her husband." The
suit lists numerous offenses and asks for
actual damages, punitive
damages and judgments against Bush.
Click Here for
a pdf of her complaint. She says she used to date the man some call president.
Schoedinger expired Monday, 9/22/03 .
I guess she won't be a problem to the BFEE's long-range plans anymore.
I finally got some confirmation from an obit in
the Houston Chronicle that Margie Schoedinger, the woman
who filed a sexual assault lawsuit against Bush
last year, died in September. I called the Harris County
Medical Examiner's office, which lists her cause
of death as a "gunshot wound to the head" and "suicide."
When I talked to Schoedinger in July she sounded
in good health. She was only 38. It's another weird
tragedy surrounding the Bush administration - and
this one has received NO mention from the media.
Jackson Thoreau, author of We
Will Not Get Over It
What I wrote
Speaking of Jessica Lynch...
> The reason you can claim you didn't "believe the
shitmeisters" is because you didn't publish
> your reaction to the news of the day to be read by others, only to have the "facts" change
> or two later. It's easy to take the position, "I knew
all along," if you don't publish daily.
> For all we know, Monday they'll discover proof she was raped,
so all we can do is work
> with the "facts" we have.
Monday's online Time
"The exam in Landstuhl," Dr. Greg Argyros, her
primary doctor during her 100 days at Walter Reed,
told TIME, "indicated that the injuries were
consistent with possible anal sexual assault."
soldier body count in Iraq
Last issue it was times
issue it's times 394
vote for me. I'm a military jenius.
We're almost at 400.
How long before we hit 600?
...and then 1000?
Total deaths since President Giggle and Kill said, "Bring
Plus, at least
2195 2230 wounded
for Bush's oil snatch.
Many of them are missing arms, legs and eyes.
How much more are we willing to tolerate?
sticker placement contest!
How to win:
To get your stickers, send a self-addressed envelope to:
bartcop.com PO Box 54466 Tulsa, OK 74155
OR, you could PayPal a small donation and get your stickers within
are free, but donations are accepted.
Get yours, then send in a digital photo of where you put it.
Click Here for
the best October stickers
Winner gets Joe Conason's book, Al Franken's book or your choice
of a subscription
to Maxim Magazine (Maxim
has no nudity) or any similarly priced book or magazine.
Bart a sticker pic
unwrap your free gift.
Also, if you sent a sticker pic that I didn't
print, please re-send.
"Before the war...Baghdad had an average of 16 violent
deaths a month.
The latest post-war figure is 667 violent deaths
in a month, and that does not include U.S. soldiers."
--Peter Jennings, proving he's
a left-winger Attribution
Lynch became a hero
Heroism is, quite often, a choice to do the right
thing when it would be far easier to do nothing at all.
Private Jessica Lynch could have quite easily
have smiled and waved to the cameras and let the money roll in,
knowing that in a few months, public attention
would have moved on and her life would revert to normal,
or at least as normal as a retired media-created
hero can expect to have.
If you have something important send it to Sam at email@example.com
Can't get in the members section? Sam can help.
Up to $2.2B in EU Sanctions
Another Texas-sized screw-up by the Pinhead
The United States is facing up to $2.2 billion
in European Union trade sanctions within weeks
after a WTO appeals panel ruled Monday that U.S.
tariffs on imported steel are illegal.
A three-member WTO panel rejected the bulk of
the U.S. appeal of an earlier ruling that said
the duties of up to 30 percent introduced in March
2002 by Bush breached trade rules.
Europe! We don't need them.
with China, our friends."
Something on your mind?
Then listen for your voice on...
You have two minutes to speak your piece.
Await WW II Memorial in D.C.
Iraqi War Memorial Due to Open March of 2066
Tears and pride mix as Navy veteran Ted Burke
talks about the National World War II Memorial
and its significance as a reminder of the sacrifices
he and millions of others made.
Recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, the
83-year-old former torpedoman has made it his life's
goal to make it to the Memorial Day weekend dedication
on the National Mall.
"I hope and pray to the good Lord I'll be there," said
Burke of Rehoboth Beach, Del., a former
commander of the American Legion Department of
the District of Columbia.
His daughter, Teddy Burke, choked back tears and
said if her father cannot make it,
"I'll be there for him, and I'll be the proudest
Have a good time today.
Sometimes the peach truck fails to start and you get a second chance.
Don't waste a day - not one.
And whatever you do, never quit!
Use this portal and they'll
throw bartcop.com four cents.
Click to Order
Krugman Wellstone Franken Palecek Conason Moore Turkel
Bart uses ctyme.com hosting because it's the best!
Read the Previous
It had everything.
Copyright © 2003,
Show 19 is being assembled
If your GOP workplace doesn't want you to see
the truth, use these mirrors.
Shirley - back with the long red/brown hair.
She downplays her beauty and sexuality, but if they put a nice picture
of her on the cover of the next CD - I'll bet it will sell extra millions.
Shrl, call The BartPhone, just
to say "Hi!"
Plus, leave an e-mail address and I'll make you a BartCop Member
- for free!
You can call the Bart-Phone at 918-493-1500
That would be really cool, and we'll catch you at The Joint on your
next American tour.
bartcop.com and BartCop are trademarks of attempts at humor.