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The BartCop Reader


Volume 391 - Yes, We Have Bananas

 January 24, 2001

 There's a new button to click on - above.

 The BartCop Reader

 Much of the mail sent in wasn't getting posted.
 To let you in on a secret, what does get posted is whatever is at the top of the pile.
 It's as fair and scientific as your chances of Eternal Life.

 I've said a couple of times that there could be much more if I had a staff.
 Well, Brainsmasher and Genslab are combining to publish some good original writing.
 We hate to see someone spend the time, energy and brainpower to type out a rant
 only to have it sit in Limbo (again with the Catholic references)

 So click on The BartCop Reader sometimes and see what's going into the time capsule.


 There's a very famous line in Pulp Fiction where,
 just prior to shooting him, Samuel L. Jackson explains to "Brad" that
 Marcellas Wallace doesn't like being screwed by anybody besides Mrs. Wallace.

 Well, I don't like being screwed by John McCain

 Tonight, I was looking forward to watching The West Wing and The Angie Harmon Show.
 Mrs. BartCop popped some popcorn and I dropped some Orange Barrel.
 I timed it so I'd just be getting off at the beginning of West Wing.
  (When you time it right, it's the best show on TV)

 We had the Chinaco, she had some Zinfendel, the phone call we were expecting
 from Hawaii came thru as expected (cough) and everything was perfect, ...until...

 Regis finished, I switch to the local NBC affiliate. What did I see?
 The little crawl thing starts creeping accross the bottom of the screen.

 "Fuck you. Fuck what you want - you're watching basketball tonight, instead.
   West Wing and Angie Harmon will be seen at ...2:05 AM Thursday morning instead.
   We don't care what you want. Go to hell."

 This is horseshit!
 The whole country sees West Wing and Angie Harmon while those of us imprisoned in
 Henry Fonda's Dust Bowl are stuck watching Texas kick Oklahoma's ass in basketball.

 Who wants to see basketball?

 If Michael Jordon isn't flying, why would anyone want to watch that game?
 Sweaty men with squeaking shoes?
 Where the tall guys get to score all the points and make the most money?
 Is that fair?

 That's about as logical as the Cath...

 ...back to the story.

 I pay a goddamn hundred dollars a month for cable.
 I have Dish Network (good, but imperfect) and most every channel they offer.
 But I can't get the networks.

 The lying sons-of-bitches.
 When you sign up for cable, they tell you how cool it's gonna be betting channels
 from Boston and Seattle and LA and New York and on and on.

 But after they install the system and you write them the check, they say,
"Small technicality - I need to call Dish Network and see which channels you qualify for."

  The lying sons-of-bitches.
 "Oh, you don't qualify for the network feeds, you have to get those locally."

 <Al Gore sigh>

 So I had to order cable at $14 to go along with my $80-something Dish bill.

 Now I'm paying double,
 when all I wanted was a clear goddamn picture and some choices,
 and I can't see the Emmy-winning best show on TV,
 because the cave people who live in Hank Fonda's wrath
 prefer sweaty men with squeaky shoes to the best show on network TV?

 ~ steam ~

 If my cable bill was $600, there would still be a reason why I couldn't get West Wing. trying to buy a shot of vodka in Vegas when the bar is closing...

 You know who's fault this is?
 No, not Reagan, not Smirk,'s John McCain's fault.

 Yes, John McCain, personally is causing me this grief.
 He's chairman of the Senate Telecommunications Committee, or whatever it's called.
 John McCain is a Stalinist/socialist when it comes to television software capitalism.

 I want to buy a product from Dish Network.
 I think the marketplace should decide who's got the best programming deal.

 But noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

 John McCain doesn't believe in free enterprise.
 John McCain is a socialist that makes Hillary look like a cheery Trent Lott.

 When I try to hire Dish Network to deliver NBC's clear signal to my home,
 John McCain runs to the Dish Network and says,
 "I'm the Top Dick of Communications, and I'm telling you NOT to sell BartCop any
  of that legal programming that NBC is broadcasting to every other town in America."


 The government (John McCain) says the local basketball-loving Oklahoma rubes
 have a right to force their programming decisions on me, against my will.
 I know Mccain is anti-choice, but why to this degree?

 I can't buy certain legal products,
 because Committee Chairman John McCain,
 after accepting money from NABAS
 (National Association of Broadcast Affiliate Stations)
 has instructed the brown boot of the federal government
 to force socialized basketball down our throats, against our will,
 instead of giving us the options of seeing West Wing and Angie Harmon?

 ...something's wrong here,

 ...something reeeeeeally wrong here
  (homage to Al Pacino)

 They have our House.
 They have our Senate.
 They stole our White House.
 They own the media.
 They own the military.
 Now they want the TV.

 (Are you scared, too?)

 Next, Ashcroft will outlaw Chinaco Anejo...

 ha ha
  I'd like to see 'em try...

 But, I say they've gone too far.

 Give us our programming freedom!

 The local cable picture has more ghosts than the Lincoln Bedroom.
 The TV screen has more spooks than Dade county in late November.
 The sound hisses like Laura the Unloved at a home for unwed mothers.
 The colors are bleeding worse than ...(sorry, I almost forgot the three joke rule)

 We don't want cable - we want satellite.
 The market is speaking. Mr Republican.
 I don't give a goddamn how many millions NABAS gave McCain's loser campaign.

 Give us our programming freedom!

 Let John McCain get his under-the-table bribes from some other interest group.

 This is America, Mr. McCain, and we'd like our freedom, that is,
 if Smirk has sufficiently snuffed your greater political ambitions, ...Sir.

 VCR Alert - The West Wing is new tonight.  They say Leo loses his mind and recommends
 that goofy, won't-work, too-expensive Star Wars idea that our senile grandpa was pushing.
 Also, CJ fights with a comic, (please - anyone but Carrottop).
 The Angie Harmon Show covers Guiliani's Central Park wilding party from last summer.
 Sounds like an excuse for my girl Abby to charge someone with depraved indifference.

 Evangelicals unaware inaugural event was sponsored by Moonies
   If they had been reading  or, they'd know

 Click  Here

 No Feedback on 13 Days

 Did nobody else see this great film?
 Or is my mail just scooting the pooch?

 I'll bet everyone saw Traffic, which blew.
 It took them three hours to say "drug laws suck."
 That one guy, Benicio Del Toro was the only good part of Traffic.
 Not to be sexist or anything, but if Catherine Zeta Jones is pregnant,
 why is she in this movie? For her acting ability?

 ha ha

 I just hate it when the babe in the movie weighs 180 pounds.

 Michael Douglas hasn't done a decent movie in years.
 The last decent movie he did was Fatal Attraction.
 The last good movie he did was China Syndrome in 1979.

 Remind me to do my review of  The Game,
 which has to be the most incredibily stupid movie of all time.
 No movie in history has been as stupid as The Game.
 More stupid than Duel.
 More plotless than Unbreakable.
 More frustrating than the original Out of Towners.
 More script-impaired than Billy Jack Goes to Washington,
 the movie that made me want to vote for Nixon.

 ...even more stupid than a post-Easy Rider Peter Fonda movie.

The End of Journalism and Journalistic Integrity Brought to Light
-by Houston Wade

Click  Here

 Y'know, I really like pro football.
 The season was very exciting, for the most part.

 But didn't it seem like the ending was anti-climactic?
 They should form some kind of system where, say, the top two teams
 get together for a BIG game at the end of the year.

 Wouldn't that be a good idea?
 The college teams did it, and it made for some exciting TV!

 So why doesn't the NFL do it?

 If nothing else, it would give us an excuse to have friends over and eat cheese
 and chips and drink some Chinaco Anejo tequila and watch the best
 commercials Madison Avenue can come up with.

 I mean, even if the last two teams were boring as hell,
 and nobody cared who won or by how much,
 it could still be a fun afternoon just for the party atmosphere.

 The NFL should look into that...

This is an old joke, but since it's about Ann Coulter
I thought it deserved another round.

Ann went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to talk to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow.
 "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything," Ms. Coulter promised.

'Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
Ann did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.

"Now take down my zipper."
She did.

"Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead, Sugar."

She slowly brought her mouth closer to it,
and while holding it close to her lips, Ann Coulter tentatively said...........

"Hello, Mom?  ...Can you hear me?"

 Joe Conason Explains it to the Naderites
 ...and he does a damn good job, too...

 Click  Here

Ediotr's note:
Since  has, by default, become the paradigm of responsibile journalism,
I want you to know I can't confirm this story. I will archive it under "Recent Old Stuff"
so when the whore media decides to run it you'll know it was here waaaay back in 2001.

From: (can't confirm)

Subject: Bush paid for girlfriend's abortion

In the winter of 1971 George W. Bush was dating a woman named Robin Lowman
(now Robin Garner). Miss Lowman became pregnant by the virile George W. and
he arranged for her to have an abortion - which in the great state of  Texas in 1971
was very illegal! Not to mention that George W. ran as a pro-life candidate.

The unnamed source of this story was a friend of Robin Lowman's and the girlfriend
of the man who arranged the abortion. His name is Robert Carl Chandler.
Mr. Chandler is a Bush friend and supporter from way back and he made the
arrangements for Miss Lowman's abortion at the Twelve Oaks Hospital in Houston, TX
(now the Bayou City Medical Center). The source of the story overheard the telephone
call by Mr. Chandler to arrange the abortion and she visited Robin Lowman at the
Twelve Oaks Hospital after the procedure.

The source meanwhile, is afraid of coming forward, saying that she was threatened
by Mr. Robert Chandler and by another Bush friend and supporter named Jim Bath.
Mr. Jim Bath has longstanding intelligence connections, and played a role in the BCCI scandal.
Robin Lowman (now Garner) is married to Jerry Lee Garner who is an FBI agent.

So, that's the story: an illegal back room abortion arranged by the Republican party
Presidential candidate who "won" on a pro-life ticket.
Could the Bush people have silenced Mrs. Garner with money or threats?

 Margaret Shemo vs. Laura the Unloved
   This time, it's Linda Chavez

  Click  Here

 Great Moments in the Ring

 It was September 16th, 1981
 Sugar Ray Leonard was fighting Tommy "Hit Man" Hearns for the title.

 Hearns had that looooong reach advantage over Leonard.
 Round after round, Hearns was dancing and popping Ray's head back with jabs.
 Round after round - smack, smack, smack - the beating continued.
 The Hit man was so fast, his gloves kept finding a way through Ray's defense.
 Ray was beginning to look Oriental - his eyes were almost completely swollen shut

 Late in the fight, between rounds, the Pay-per-View camera and microphone followed
 the great Angelo Dundee as he jumped into the ring to talk to his fighter.

 "You're blowing it, Kid, you're blowing it," he bellowed at Ray.
 "You want to be a fuckin' bum all your life?
   You're blowing it, you're letting him beat you to the punch."

 I remember one announcer saying, "That's a terrible way for a trainer to communicate
 with his fighter - he shouldn't be talking to Leonard like that," and the other announcer replied,
 "These two men are professionals and they know each other very well. Dundee knows
 what he has to do to get the most out of his fighter, and Ray needsthis next round."

 Ray won that fight.
 Dundee was a genius, probably the top boxing mind of the late 20th century..
 Dundee knew how to win.
 He learned from Muhammed Ali

 Why do I bring this up?

 Al Gore had a genius in his corner, too, the top political mind of the late 20th century..
 But he didn't want advice from him.

 Al Gore wanted to be "his own man."


 Subject: About Fuckin' Time!


       THANK GOD (hey, he gave us 8 good years) for your site!
 Ever since I watched this scam of an election, I have been ranting and raving at all the evil GOP fucks
 who are again screwing this blessed nation.  These are a bunch of evil bastards in the Atwater (sorry for
 that swear word) mold who have made me ashamed to be a midwestern Christian.  But I will confirm
 for you that we are not all conservative stooges.

 No party, or faith, or regional association will tell me what to think, I make up my own goddam mind,
 and I have decided to join you in taking these assholes' game right to them!  Lets play it their way!
 Let's smash them and their fascist policies right to their two faces.  I want to go after them the way
 they've been after Bill and his cock.  I am not a total leftist, but the more I learn, the more I become
 committed to the downfall of the right-wing liars.

 Charlton Heston and Donald Rumsfield can eat a fat one, and I am both a gun-owner and involved
 in the military.  But I'm not blinded by propaganda and no-truths.  Kudos for your page, keep them
 coming, but don't ever exclude people because they might be Catholic or Midwestern.
 Some may call me a contradiction of terms, but I prefer enlightened.

 Love to hear from you!

"A thousand points of light and we got the dim one;"
   --Bumper sticker seen in DC

 Laura the Unloved is looking for a fight.

 You see, ratings are slipping with the right-wing's "victory."
 (Imagine the problems the churches would have raising money if the Devil lost his power.)

 So today, she's going after TALK magazine, no doubt because that Tina Brown
 is known to be an acquiantence of Hillary's.
 That makes her bad.

 Here's the terribly offensive magazine cover she's railing against.

 Yeah, it's a little bosom-y, but this cleavage cover is nothing "more evil"
 than what we're going to see the night the Oscars are given out in April.

 Matter of fact, she looks a little like a frog.
 I think it looks more cute and silly than dangerous.

 What is it abour formal affairs that bring out the nudity?
 I don't know if they still do this, but back in the sixties, Catholic high school girls
 had their senior pictures taken with the appearance of no top on.

 Just between you and me?
 There's nothing hotter than those white cotton see-thru blouses the Church
 forces those young schoolgirls to wear as uniforms every day.

 Think I'm kidding?

 Do you think it was an accident that today's top sex symbol started her career
 by hopping around in her lil' Catholic girl's school uniform?

 How embarrassing for the girls in seventh and eighth grades - when you could
 see thru all the girl's blouses and immediately tell which girls were wearing bras.
 That makes a young Catholic boy harder than Chinese geometry.
 Imagine that - young pubescent girls forced to wear see-thru clothes by the Catholic Church.
 I never said growing up Catholic was all bad.

 By the way, Heather Graham is very Catholic.
 When you suppress that sexuality, it often shows up in other ways.
 Is it the mandatory, see-thru uniforms that triggers this sexual atomic fission?
 What else explains the exploding Catholic schoolgirl sexuality?
 What other Catholic schoolgirls grew up to be sex bombs?

your opinion.

 So, Laura you're doing a great job attacking the New York media
 instead of the farm club for tomorrow's Super-Sex Stars.


January 23, 2001
That sure didn't take long!

The honeymoon is officially over for Smirk.
Kitty Kelley has inked a big-bucks contract to write the definitive biography of the Bush "dynasty."

The publisher is set to announce the deal Wednesday.
And yes, Kelley already has lined up some tell-all insider sources, Inc. has confirmed.
This is going to be big.

To have the tenacious, extremely well-sourced Kelley poking around in your life is a nightmare.
Just ask Nancy Reagan, the British royal family and the Frank Sinatra clan.

We know how former President George H.W. Bush feels about the prospect
of going under the Kelley microscope. He tells us right there in his 1999 book,
"All the Best," a collection of his letters and diaries.

When former President Bush learned that Kelley was proposing back in 1991
to write a book about the Bushes, he wrote in his diary, "A book by Kitty Kelley
with everything else I've got on my mind ... I can't see her ever writing anything nice."


Subject: TALK magazine

David Brock, the guy who was a conservative hero way back by bringing Paula Jones to light,
seems to have turned around.  "After I introduced PJ to the world in the pages of The American Spectator,
I was one of the right wing's golden boys, and I was in the thick of it all."

It's a piece on how sick the ultra-right wingers are.  After the PJ piece they hired him to go down
to Arkansas and research every rumor of murder and treachery that Clinton-haters ever heard.
It was his fuggin JOB to bring back smut on the president.    Even if it everything was untrue,
they didnt care, they wanted REPORTS that they could then circulate to defame him.

"Tired of running down dead ends, I bailed out soon afterward, but the right--intellectually
bankrupt and on the ropes politically-never stopped believing that the Clinton-Gore administration
was a depraved criminal syndicate."

Why this guy put his article in a fluff magazine like TALK I dont know.
Take a look at it if you haven't already.


Sprytlee, the Brock thing is a lot worse than you know.
He admitted - years ago - that he was "tricked" into sandbagging Clinton.
He said Scaife paid him $80,000 to go talk to certain former Ark State troopers.
He found out later, he claims, that Scaife also paid the troopers $80,000 to tell Brock
wild tales of Clinton and women that couldn't be proven.

Brock's paid-for-by-Scaife articles is why Paula came forward.

She didn't get dragged into anything. Paula willingly ran into the worldwide spotlight screaming
"Look at me, look at me, me ,me, me,  I'm the Paula that Brock said blew Clinton, but I didn't."
So she sues to get her "good name," back (a name she sullied by running into the worldwide spotlight.

Isn't that wild?

Then, instead of suing David Brock (the guy who wrote the "lie,")
or suing the American Spectator, (the magazine that printed the lie,
she sued the guy who wasn't involved in publishing the story,
the target of Scaife's smear campaign in the first place, which was the president,

...and the all-white Whore Court thought it was a GRAND idea.

It was all horseshit from the very first day.
Remember Paula's original settlement terms?
She wanted $400,000 and a job in Hollywood.
Since Ed Wood is no longer making monster pics, no telling what she had in mind,
but the president rightly said "No," to blackmail.

...but the all-white Whore Court thought it was a GRAND idea.

Chris Rock in "Heaven Can Wait"

 Rock's new movie looked good in the previews.
 He plays a smart-assed young comic, (but not as famous) who gets pulled to Heaven
 before his time, so to correct their mistake, they have to send him back to Earth.
 ...but the only body they have available is a rich, sixty-year old white guy.

 Possibly best of all, "Miss Florida," Wanda Sykes is the old white dude's maid.
 I know it's tough to tell from the previews, but I have faith.
 If we don't have Rock on Friday nights anymore,
 this might be the best substitute.

 Happy Birthday Tiffany Theissen

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 Read the  Previous Issue
 It had everything - Jailhouse wheelin' and dealin', babes and Mr. Peabody.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.