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Volume 442 - Centerfield 
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 April 1, 2001

The X-Files - This was never the "best" show on TV, but it used to be the one we looked forward to the most. But they started to run dry of ideas, and then they totally screwed their audience this entire year. The show was always great writing, great production values and the chemistry between he and her. (homage) When Mulder said "I quit," we thought that was the end, but no, Fox insisted, "Mulder will be back for half the shows next season." Well, we're in April, and all we've seen of Mulder is flashbacks and his dead corpse thrown on the ground like Scalia discarding a box of Florida ballots.
The truth is, you can't have much chemistry between the tight-skirted FBI agent and a decomposing corpse.

Of course, Mulder traditionally dies at the end of every season, so maybe they'll hokum him back to life an eighth time,
but it's too bad the same can't be done for this once-great show.  It's sad when you create a show that sucks, but it's
double sad to create a really good show - then whore it to death for that extra nickle. The producers (and their heirs)
can never spend all the money they made from this show, but, like Bill Gates and the vulgar Pigboy, having it all
wasn't enough - they had to have more than all, so they threw away the faith the audience once had in them.
There's a word for people who sell their dignity for an extra nickle, but I can't think of it right now...
Thank Koresh, when an X-Files dies, there's a West Wing or a Sopranos to take it's place.

 How Rush and Drudge Join to Kidnap, Rape and Murder the Truth
  by Dorin Kearns Goodwin    (actually, my title)

 Click  Here

 In his last public address, Lincoln called on his countrymen to confer the right to vote to all black men
 who had received an education or served in the Union Army. In the audience that evening, John Wilkes Booth,
 was outraged by Lincoln's talk of citizenship for blacks. Booth vowed: "That is the last speech he will ever make."
 Three days later at Ford's Theatre, Booth carried out his pledge.

 Well, what do you know.
 The ignorant, whites-only, tobacco-whore ditto-monkeys of yesteryear
 are exactly like the Rush/Hannity/Lott/Smirk/Drudge bastards of today.

  Surfing, I ran into a page about bloopers on the old
 Superman TV show with George Reeves

 Click on "S" to go there

 The guy obviously put a lot of time and effort into his page, so I sent him a note.
 (I think people should always send a note if they get a kick out of a page.)

Subject: Hey from BartCop


Just a note to say thanks for the fun page.
I'm 47, grew up watching George Reeves, and I appreciate your page.
I read thru the bloopers and laughed out loud. Seems like every time there's a Superman marathon on TV,
I re-tape them all because every few years I have a better VCR than the last time.

I do a political humor thing ( that's not too kid-friendly, but have you ever
thought about doing a funny piece on Superman's technique when arresting suspects?

In the episode where they discovered his costume in the closet, he took the bad guys to the top of
Mt Everest and I'm sure he was totally shocked when they died trying to escape - that's hysterical!

In the comics in the 60's, I've seen him fly suspects a mile into the air and say, "Confess or I'll drop you."
Hell, I'd confess to killing the Lindberg baby under those circumstances :)

But nice page, I had to write and say "hello."


 Dave "Doctor" Gonzo on Laura "Doctor" Unloved's Ass Getting Canned.
  from AMPOL, one of the brightest spots on the web.

 Click  Here

The top albums from the peak era of Rock and Roll
 by Ken Bailey

 Click  Here

This is the second installment about the greatest music in classic rock.
We should have two more stories coming (right, guys?)

 An open letter to the president...

 "Please don't kill me..."

 Subject: The end of Revelation

 Click  Here


 "Our energy policies will result in less energy demand and a greater energy supply."
   -- Spencer Abraham, who didn't know he was Arabic until Smirk needed
       another minority in his cabinet to compete with Clinton's diversity.

  This is true.
  Mark your calendar.
  A Smirk administration official has told the truth.
  Even a Catholic with an IQ of 64 knows that if you triple the price of gasoline,
  demand will go down and the supply will rise.
  Sililarly, if you triple the current price of natural gas,
  demand will go down and the supply will rise.

  So, the Smirk Administration is telling us it's a win-win situation:
  The consumers get gouged to death and BIG OIL enjoys triple the profits.

  Besides,  fuck the poor,  they didn't vote for Smirk, anyway.


Subject: Opening day pitch out

Hi Bart
My sister Madelyn and I (Judy P.) love your site and were reading about your offer
for any one with a sign saying hail to the thief to be caught on TV during the ballgame.
I am afraid that the dubya loving media will not show that sign, however if they all threw
something very messy at him such as pop, beer or peanuts or better yet snow cones,
that would make the news and if lots of people did that the secret service couldn't single anyone out.

Just a thought.

Now, now, much as America loathes the Failure in Thief, we wouldn't want to get locked up,
but it did remind me of something (I've been doing this so long, I can't remember if I've
told this before, but) I call it the "Alexis Carrington" maneuver.

Remember on the old Dynasty TV show, Alexis had free reign over Crystal's mansion?
Every time Crystal wanted to have a heart-to-heart discussion with Blake or one of the kids,
Alexis would pop into the room, uninvited, and offer counter advice. I suggested back then that
Crystal keep a mustard squirter full of runny dog poop nearby, so when Alexis popped up
in her $20,000 formal gown, Crystal could just give her a quick spray of dog poop.  If she did this
enough times, Alexis would either show up in jeans and a t-shirt or she'd stop showing up.

Now, Secret Service, I have expressly said not to do this, so if it happens in a day or two
I want to be completely clear that I did not want this to happen to President Dogshit.

 Happy Birthday (71)  to Grace Lee Whitney (Yeoman Janice 'Beehive' Rand)

 One of my favorite Star Trek episodes was the one where the transporter split
 Kirk into two people; the nice, ineffective captain and the decisive, lusty captain.

 TV was so sexist back then, in early episodes, Rand would lay out Kirk's clothes on
 his bed, presumably while he was in the shower. That meant they were doing it, right?
 How Clintonian of the Captain!

 So, the first thing lusty Kirk did was grab a bottle of Nuvarian Chinaco and headed for
 Yeoman Rand's sleeping quarters, which was risky stuff back in 1966, trust me.

 Well, after a couple of gulps of that Nuvarian Chinaco the decisive lusty had
 decided on some Yeoman Rand, and he was ready to "Make it so."
 (Whoops, wrong Captain.)

 Star Trek had a lot of sex in their shows. Kirk couldn't land on a palnet of green women
 without bagging at least one of them. I wonder - which did the Captain break more often
 - the Prime Directive? ...or some alien hymens?

 I remember Bread and Circuses, (which was better than Gladiator, by the way,)
 the Pro-Counsel decided to kill Kirk, but since he was a warrior,  he sent a fine-looking
 blonde slave girl to his cell to sex him the night before his execution.

 "Since you are a man, I thought you should have one last night as a man."
 The next morning, the girl is brushing her hair while Kirk is putting on his boots.
 Shatner said he couldn't believe the censors fell asleep and allowed that scene in the final cut.

 Then there was that terribly taboo kiss between a white captain and his black communications
 officer, Uhura. To make it extra kinky, the evil Romans (again, diff episode) were using some
 kind of mind control to make them lust against their wishes! I've seen porno films with less plot.
 So, America was faced with an early TV moral dilemma - what to do about a white man kissing
 a negro right on the mouth, right on the TV. - oh, my!  How did we ever survive?

 There were only 88 episodes, but I'll bet Kirk got laid 80 times.
 Maybe some Trekker out there would write us a story, listing them all.
 One thing's for sure, in Hardon Kenny had gone after Kirk's cock like he did Clinton's,
 I'm afraid poor Captain Kirk would've landed in the brig, because Kirk was no Clinton.

 There's a great Jeopardy parody at

 A DSL or cable hookup would help, but it's funny as hell.

Bush's myopia on AIDS prevention
 By Loretta McLaughlin, in the Daily Globe

WHILE NEWS REPORTS concentrate on lowering drug prices to treat HIV/AIDS in Africa,
the rug is being pulled from under the most important means of preventing its spread in the first place:
the lowly condom.

Ironically, the assault on the availability of condoms is the inadvertent outcome of a move by Smirk
to make sure that no American tax dollars are used to fund abortion. Bush issued an executive order
shutting off federal aid to overseas family planning centers should abortion be so much as mentioned.

But across Africa, it is largely through these local family planning centers that condoms are distributed
free of charge and coupled with rigorous anti-HIV/AIDS advice.

In programs worldwide, condoms have long been a mainstay of birth control. But condoms are far more
than a contraceptive tool. They are the front-line weapon in the fight to prevent transmission of HIV/AIDS.

In the three Asian and African countries - Thailand, Senegal, and Uganda - that have succeeded in reducing the
spread of the virus, prevention has relied on massive distribution of free condoms by local family planning clinics.

Bush must be made to realize the potential for dire consequences resulting from his ill-timed executive order.
Any reduction of condom availability in Third World countries is far more than shortsighted; it is madness.

This writer, Loretta McLaughlin, must be new to politics.
She's forgetting one of the basic rules: If the dying are black, old, gay or poor, the GOP doesn't give a goddamn.
Show me a time in the last 25 years when the GOP has voted one nickle towards helping a minority.
(I take that back - the super-rich are a minority. I should learn to choose my words more carefully.)

Show me a time in the last 25 years when the GOP had voted to fund a program that would provide
aid to a predominately black, old, gay or poor population.

Bush knows thousands will die of AIDS because of his actions - but he doesn't care.
Those victims didn't contribute to his campaign, and he didn't carry a single African state in 2000.
Fuck them.

 What do our allies say about Smirky?
 Mr Bush has put US credibility on the line
  editorial in the London Guardian

 Full Story

 Suddenly, in the space of two short months, America, the 'indispensable nation,'
 begins to resemble the ultimate rogue state. George Bush's decision to trash the
 Kyoto global warming treaty is appalling. That it represents an enormous, possibly
 definitive setback for efforts to mitigate climate change goes almost without saying.
 America is now confirmed as the unrepentant outlaw, the dirty man of environmental politics.

 If Mr Bush does not intend the alarm all this is causing internationally, then he is even more
 inept than commonly believed. Christine Whitman, his environment agency chief, told him
 this month that global warming 'is a credibility issue for the US in the international community.'
 She is right and he had better believe it.


Subject: Seattle Radio

There is a radio station in Seattle, KIRO (, that has a woman
with a 'progressive' show, on the weekends (Erin Hart, Sat & Sun, 9pm - 1am, pdt)...
For at least the last 3 weeks, you've been getting a plug, both on the air, and in the chatroom.

I remain one of your fans,

The Asbestos President
 by Maureen Dowd

Click  Here

With the guidance of his regents, the Duke of Halliburton and Cardinal Rumsfeld, W. has set off the specter of
a mushroom cloud of carcinogens and carbon dioxide emissions, nuclear power and "China Syndrome" fears,
rapacious drilling and retrenchment on women's rights, the missile shield, spy tensions and the cold war.

 What makes it seem sexy when a woman smokes?

 If I was with Elizabeth Hurley, I wouldn't want her to smoke because she'd
 smell like an ashtray. I mean, why would a smoker even wear perfume?

 But in print or on a movie screen, for some reason, it's sexy.
 (Then again, Elizabeth Hurley could wear a gunny sack and empty trash cans and seem sexy.)

 Any psychologists want to take a stab at that?
 Why is smoking sexy?

I Need A President
By John Cory

Click  Here for the best version

Click  Here for the forever version

There is a pettiness to this White House that cannot be covered by charm offensives or smiling poses.
Stature is being achieved in the tearing down of others by whatever means necessary, and truth is held silent
in the false-witness and lies of the drooling mob. Strength is demonstrated by the domination of the weak.
Power is wielded through fear mongering, and leadership comes from the crack of the whip.


Subject: Smirk's freak news briefing 3/29

Hi BC:

The surprise press conference can be viewed and heard in all of it's glory
on, recent programs, Thursday, March 29, 2001.

Smirk is at his moronic best; fumbling, stuttering, obfuscating, out right lying.
Reporter Helen Thomas skewers him, and later he skewers himself with an ultra embarrassing
"misunderestimating" comment, but pretends he was just tesing the reporters.
It seems like they were laughing at him, not with him.

It is a bit long at 30 minutes, (if you can stomach 30 minutes of the imposter) but pretty entertaining.

The White House Correspondents dinner (with Bush and his whores) can also be viewed.
He makes lame jokes about his arsenic plan, and the attendees drinking water.
Clinton was hysterically funny last year, Bush is just a dud.



 How well is Smirky's reverse Robin Hood scheme working?

  E-Mail Us if You've Been Laid Off

Have you been laid off from your job in the last two months?
World News Tonight wants to hear from you.

As the economy slows, many companies have responded by laying off a portion of their workforce.
In the last two weeks alone, Proctor and Gamble announced 9,600 layoffs, while ADC Telecommunications
plans up to 7,000 layoffs. Delphi Automotive Systems announced a staggering 11,500 jobs will be lost.

Have you lost your job in the massive wave of job layoffs in the last two months?
You're not alone. And we'd like to talk to you about it.

If you are interested in speaking with ABCNEWS, please tell us about your experiences.
We are interested in learning how Americans are coping under the pressure of layoffs.

Please provide a daytime phone number and/or e-mail address only if you
would like to be contacted by someone from World News Tonight.


 "With the Senate hanging on one vote, this administration acts as if it has only limited time to do
   as much damage as possible to the environment, consumers, the non-rich and common sense."
      -- Columnist Robert Scheer on the Bush administration


 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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