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Volume 492 - Smirky's Fake I.D.

Recent.Old Stuff ...Celebrity-hoe-mails  .Required Reading. The Liberal Media?  ..Crime of the Century?    Kiss My Ass
 World News Links   Rush Sings   ..LiveWeb Cams.   ..The BartCop Tax Plan......Clinton's Page        The Ruby Tape 
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 To request ad information, or to threaten me a lawsuit, use

 June 8, 2001.  .....   ...Advertise on    ..... .......SPORTS..  ...........  ..Did you hear it? 
 Correction of a Correction -
Voltai News is back in business. For the best in instant Internet news,
  e-mail Voltai News with the word "subscribe" in the subject line. You'll get tomorrow's news today. 

 Jesus Twin Largent to Resign House Seat
 Whore City -  Rep. Steve Largent (R-Religiously Insane) said on Thursday he would resign
 his House seat on Nov. 29 to become Oklahoma's governor.

"Why should I be one of  488 representatives when I can be King of Oklahoma?" said the former
 football star, who sustained multiple concussions going "over the middle" for the Seattle Seahawks.

Largent, who fell into Congress during the Snoot revolution of 1994, said he did not want to
bother with his seat in the House when the governor's throne awaits him.

"The people of the 1st District can't get enough of me. I'm God in Oklahoma," he told reporters.
"Hell, I'm in the Football Hall of Fame."

In Congress, he was known for his demand to abolish the IRS, even tho he had no plans to replace it.
"Government should run on ideas, not money from its citizens," said Largent.

Largent was lead sponsor of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, which barred federal recognition of same-sex marriages.
He was also a staunch foe of women's rights. "Most women are too stupic to make decisions," he said in 1998.

"Besides, if I go back to Oklahoma, I can ride bikes with my buddy Leslie," Largent told reporters

 Entertainment News

 "Swordfish," starring John Travolta and Halle Berry's breasts hits theaters today.
 As previously reported here at  Ms. Berry was paid an additional
 $500,000 over her movie salary to expose her breasts because the movie is a dog.

 USA TODAY say her bare breasts generated the movie's only audience applause.

 Energy News

 California Gets a Reprieve as Power Prices Fall

 Full Story

 After months of doleful forecasts about California's energy prices, the outlook has changed.
 Electricity prices in California have fallen sharply in the past two weeks, giving the state its
 first breathing room since a year ago.

 The reason for the sudden turnaround is not entirely clear.

 Jesus Christ, of course it is.
 It's clearer than Lake Concha.
 Jim Jeffords is responsible.
 When he left the Grand Old Fascist Party, he took away's Smirky's monopoly.
 Once the Democrats were in a position to hold an inquiry into the California energy rape,
 the gouging sons of bitches had no choice but to ease up on their cash Niagra.

 Well, ...look here!

 Senate Democrats to Investigate High Energy Prices
   The New York Whore Times, June 8, 2001   Full Story

 Whore City - With Democrats now in control of the Senate, its main investigating committee
 will focus on high energy prices. That will include conducting an inquiry into whether the federal
 agency that regulates electricity markets has been properly enforcing the law.


 The minute the situation could be looked at by honest people, prices dropped.
 This was nothing but a screw-California scheme from the beginning.
 Payback, for the people of California dissing Smirk last November.

 Smirky should be put on trial for allowing organized crime to do this.

 We didn't ask for proof of the White House vandalism or the
stripping of Air Force One because we assumed Clinton was guilty.

 Nucular Power

 Don't you think any senator who's pushing nuclear power
 should volunteer his state as a place to store the nuclear waste?

 Same for Smirk n Dick

 We should make Texas the first nuclear waste dump, say, near Houston


 "In a press conference today, Florida Governor Jeb Bush denied rumors that he's
   had sex outside his marriage. Unless you count that screwing he gave Al Gore."
     --Bill Maher

Cool Stuff!
Treasures of Sunken Egyptian Port Revealed on

ALEXANDRIA, Egypt (Reuters) - Colossal statues, sunken ships, gold coins and jewelry are among the treasures
newly uncovered by a French marine archaeologist in the submerged ancient city of Heracleion off the Egyptian coast.

"History is materializing in our hands,'' said Egypt's Culture Minister Farouk Hosni, one excited SOB.

 Full Story


"We are no longer fully in competition with CNN,CBS, ABC and NBC -- notice I
  put Fox News aside. We have the bully pulpit. We have the presidency."
  -- U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan from Wisconsin

 Paul, you forgot to mention you have the whore press, too.


  Appeals court denies McVeigh request to delay execution.
  Details soon.

 Yeah, we're all shocked.
 Why should the obviously-guilty confessed murderer need constitutional rights?

 I wonder what the odds are in Vegas of Tim getting his day in court from Tony Scalia?

 K-Drag going Crazy with Tiger Woo-mania

 (You didn't hear this from me.)
 The souvenier shop at Southern Hills was open for three hours today.
 They sold almost $30,000 worth of Tiger crap.
 That's $10,000 per hour in sales.

 One dude bought seventy $17 shirts with "Tiger" on them.
 Another dude bought $1100 worth of baby clothes!
 That kid will be in third grade before he can wear all of that crap.

 Do you know about the passes?
 For just $90, you can get a tree seat for one day.
 For $275, you can get a higher branch for a week!
 For $475, you're allowed in the clubhouse to wash Tiger's dishes.

 Tiger snuck in Tuesday, played around, and shot a 7 under.
 My golf buddies say Tiger has trouble at Southern Hills.
 Not the course - they don't allow "niggers" at Southern Hills!

 Oh, if only we had a local golf dude writing about this mess.

 God with a nine-iron comes to K-Drag, where only Uncle OJ Watts
 has been allowed to cross the race barrier.


Subject: Future in radio?

Hello,  I have found you to have a very interesting web site.I am a very
conservative individual and find that I disagree almost everything you post.

But I still like the site. Anyway, this is my first time to be here and not knowing
just who you are or what you do for a living in life, I thought with all your opinions
on different subjects you sounded like a possible radio host for a talk show.

Have you considered this?
Also, I loved the wish these were brains pic.
I'm still laughing!


I accept your offer!
Yeah, I'd love a radio gig.
The best part would be letting every disagreer (homage to W&S) speak his mind.

Sure, I think it'd be a riot, but that's just cause I'd like it.
It just kills me that there are a hundred right-wing radio hosts and hardly any liberals on the air.
One thing, ...I lie a lot, so I'd beat the liberal curse.
I make people love me.

I'm a uniter.

Tell me where & when to be there.
I'll even call you Mr. ASFRMF

Complaint Mail


Subject: Bartcop's Website

I'm sure you just put this link on your website to
syphon off e-mails that you don't want to read (criticisms), but I'll give it a go anyhow.
I discovered your website fairly recently and I thought it was witty and hilarious;
but as of late it seems to have turned into a typical "stupid argument" page where you are
constantly sparring with posts about pointless shit.

The Casey Martin thing is pretty much over.
It was never a hill I intended to die on, but when the fight turned nasty and personal,
it reminded me of that damn China plane. I felt I had to fight and I couldn't give in.
Out of 490 issues, maybe 4 dealt with Casey Martin, so don't let the little stuff throw you.
If you've ever seen two episodes of SNL, that proves you can forgive.

Also, one of the first Bartcops I ever read was the one where you blasted Rush Limbaugh
about picking on Chelsea Clinton; I believe you ended it with something like,
"She's a teenage girl you asshole, leave her alone!!".
I think you should take your own advice.

It would be a mistake to think "All things are equal."
Chelsea was 13 when Rush called her "The White House dog."
She was also crime-free.

By it's very nature, trying to get alcohol is a statement declaring, "I'm an adult."
When a self-proclaimed adult commits repeated crimes, that's news.
The vulgar Pigboy dragging 13-year old Chelsea into his EIB septic tank was a different matter.

I sometimes think that there is no Bartcop; that there is a "staff" of people writing
what they think people want to hear (based upon some stupid polls).

You sometimes think, eh?
I've lost so many "friends" this week, you might as well join the herd.
If "we" were going on polls, there would've been no Casey Martin defections.

By the way, "Pearl Harbor" sucked.

Thanks for that detailed review, listing your reasons.

You were wrong about the "siphon" mail box.
You were right about Casey Martin.
You were wrong about 13-year old Chelsea vs party girl Jenna.
You were wrong about "my staff."
You were wrong about Pearl Harbor, in my opinion.

You're wrong a lot.


Subject: Golf is a good walk, spoiled

This quote is inaccurately attributed to G.B. Shaw.
It is actually a quote from our own American humorist, Mark Twain.


Michael, thanks for that.
I like Twain.
He was a godless comic who spoke the language most Americans use.

Have you ever read that note he sent to the electric company?
He told them to go ahead and shut off the goddamn lights, because he didn't give a flying fuck.
He said, "If you're going to turn out my lights without notice, then just suck me."

Go Sammy!

How Bush twin gave Secret Service the slip
   by Ben Fenton in Washington


GEORGE W BUSH'S determination to keep his 20-year-old twin girls out of
the glare of publicity suffered a setback yesterday with the publication of
allegations that his daughter Barbara "shook off" her Secret Service escort.

Barbara Bush: she 'urged the driver to top 100mph' to lose Secret Service  escort

Mr Bush and his wife Laura have made clear to the White House press corps that the lives of Miss Bush
and her sister Jenna are strictly off-limits and transgressors have received harsh treatment from the White House.

But following a story in a student magazine at his own alma mater, Yale University, where Miss Bush is a first-year undergraduate, the President has found himself facing the same sort of problems that have troubled former
occupants of the Oval Office.The story in the magazine, Rumpus, alleged that Miss Bush had given the slip
to the Secret Service officers assigned to protecting her. It said that she was travelling with friends from the
university in Connecticut to New York last month.

The Star tabloid added fresh details to the Rumpus allegations, claiming that Miss Bush had egged on the driver
to exceed 100 mph and "lose" the Secret Service vehicles.

You know what this means, don't you?
They were going to buy some dope.

What's my proof?
Don't have proof, but look at the facts: The SS will sit at a nearby table while the Tequila Twins
break Texas law and use a fake ID to try to buy alcohol at Chuys. They've admitted that.
They have no problem witnessing the Tequila Twins break the laws concerning alcohol.
So why was it so important for the girls to give them the slip?

If the SS can witness alcohol crimes and keep quiet, that means the girls were up to something bigger,
something that the SS might rat them out on, which would be a higher-level crime than "just alcohol."

Were the party girls blowing dope?
Or something else?


Subject: California Energy "Crisis"

Hi Bart,

Just read the debate transcript about the supposed energy crisis in California.  The only thing you
have to do to prove that there is no energy shortage is to ask, "Then why are those people who get
their electricity from publicly owned companies having no problems whatsoever?"

The only people facing obscene prices and rolling blackouts are those unfortunates in the "deregulated" areas.
If you don't get your power from a private supplier, you're fine.


Nikki, thanks.
As Johnny Carson used to say, "I did not know that."

What the hell, let's blame the press for not making that point,
and the weak Democrats for letting it remain hidden.

 So weak, so stupid, even the GOP is grumbling

 Click  Here


Subject: McVeigh

You said

> Tim McVeigh (R-Nitrate) has been denied a fair trial by our can't-make-a-mistake government
> and will be executed even tho he did not get to face his accusers.

 I agree with you most issues. But,  it was a fair trial at the time, he did face his accusers,
 he confessed more than once and he deserves to die. Can he prove that he didn't do it
 with this new found evidence, I seriously think not.

 This is one that I back the goverment on 100%. As a matter of fact he had guilt written all over him
 and should have been lynched. Fuck the trial, his lawyers, the FBI BS and the appeal system on this one.

 Andy B.

 Andy, I understand your outrage.
 But that was your heart that said, "Fuck the trial," not your head, right?

 When Ashcroft says, "He had a fair trial," it sounds as solid as, "Bush won the Florida vote count."

 McVeigh is going to leave this world saying, "See, I told you so," if the government
 doesn't allow his lawyers time to sift thru that hidden-till-now evidence.

 I'm not saying we should let him go.
 I'm saying we could give him another 30 days, give his lawyers time to say,
 "We've seen the new evidence and having read all the papers,
   we have withdrawn our plea to stay the execution."

 Besides, I was hoping the GOP posterboy would get encouraged and want
 to stick around and fight to stay alive - ...then we could kill him.


"Bush means Dick Cheney, Tom DeLay, and all these fucking crypto-fascists
  are gonna get in and start carving up the pie and handing in all their markers
  to the GOP that's been itching to get back into power.  I'm not saying I loved
  Al Gore, but I'm saying I don't want that fuck Bush in the White House."
     -- actor John Cusack

 Do the owners of Chuy's read

 Click  Here

From: Withheld

Subject: Save Chuy's From Freeper Boycott!

Freepers, radio talk show hosts,  and right-wing-wackos everywhere are trying to organize a boycott
of the Austin restaurant that busted Jenna Bush last week. We should organize a counter "protest"
of support for law-abiding citizens such as Chuy's. In fact, I urge everyone to counteract
right-wing-wacko economic terrorism by buying a Chuy's T-shirt.

http://www.Chuy'   [for low-speed internet connections]

http://www.Chuy''s1.html   [for high-speed connections].

Spread the word to all the anti-GOP/Bush/Right wing media sites on the
web, and let's prevent the Freepers from causing the Restaurant to
issue any more apologies for following the law!

Two things need to be said:
My mail tells me Chuys donated $11,000 to the GOP last year.
They aren't liberal, but yes, they should be defended.

Point two:  "the Austin restaurant that busted Jenna Bush."
Chuys did NOT bust Jenna Bush.
Jenna Bush was busted by Governor Weak & Stupid in 1997.
He signed the tougher drinking penalties, which most certainly crack down
harder on any establishment who serves underage drunken party girls.


Subject: Bullet the Blue Sky

This has always bothered me:
Musically, "Bullet the Blue Sky" is a total rip-off of Ted Nugent's "Stranglehold".
I don't like Nugent's politics, and I love Bono's music AND politics, but U2 owe Nugent royalties.

Judson, I don't doubt you hear Ted when U2 plays Bullet, but I sure don't hear the similarity.
Are you saying there's a direct same-chords/same-timing thing?
Or is it more of a general feeling that you hear in both recordings?

I know both songs have a gets-quiet-then-the-guitar-wails section.
Is that what you mean?

When The Edge plays Bullet, I hear fighter planes, I hear bombs and air raid sirens
and chaos and Reaganesque death and destruction, but no Ted.

Maybe some guitar player will write with an legal opinion on song structure similarities.


"Its much harder to be a liberal than a conservative.
  Because it is easier to give someone the finger than a helping hand."
    -- Mike Royko, who hated Clinton's guts with everything he had,
        or, just pretended to so he could whore more readers

        I liked Royko, read him every day,  ...until he turned whore.

 Bush And Rove Flunk the Atwater School Of Politics

 Click  Here

 Rove is struggling to keep his GOP hounds on a short leash. Now that Jeffords has refused
 to sit up and beg, the big dog to watch is John McCain, who already has knife wounds up
 and down his back from his dealings with Rove. Many date from the South Carolina primary
 and the Rove-fueled whispering campaign that, among other poisonous rumors, raised doubts
 about McCain's mental stability due to the torture he endured in Vietnam.

 Is that why the Democrats are so scared?
 They're afraid Karl Rove might bite them?

 Hillary, you might need to move the timetable up,
 or there won't be a Democratic party in 2008.


 "Jenna Bush was caught trying to buy a drink in Austin with a fake ID.
  It's her second alcohol incident in a month. She must be extra careful from now on,
  because under federal law, it's Three Strikes and You're President."
     -- Comedian Argus Hamilton,  Paul Harvey's favorite comic

 More Quotes

 "Fuck Argus Hamilton, ...that prick!"
   -- Sam Kinison


Subject: RE:

Yeah, I saw it, and it was great.

Wish they'd played "Beautiful Day", but.......It is also true that where Bono works overtime
to convince the wealthy to write off 3rd World debts, Rush Limbaugh works overtime to
convince working class Americans to give it up to the Rich......

Al Franken takes credit for convincing Limbaugh to go "Jenny Craig" and therfore saving his life
(because of the insulting title of Franken's book)--hey Al--thanks for nothing!

And another thing.....

Bono called the great, late and much lamented Joey Ramone
two days before he died, on Good Friday, to wish him health.

Two days later, Joey passed away as a U2 song played in hospital room and U2
performed the Ramones "I Remember You" as a tribute to Ramone later that night.

U2 acknowledged their debt to the Ramones--wonder if the Vulgar Pigboy will ever acknowledge
his to the American working class by, just once, come out for something that benefits them,
not their venal taskmasters, the ones who sponsor his lies.

He won't--Bono has class, the Pigboy, none.

We watched those two songs again tonight.
Bono is a chronic, serial impressionist emoter.

Think of the emotion-filled world he lives in.
Talking to Joey on Friday, singing about his memory Sunday.
He went thru it with Michael Hutchence, too.
When he did his Hutchence tribute on the 1998 tour, that voice-shaking wasn't an act.
He said later he and Hutchence had a no-suicide pact, and he still lost him.
He went thru it with Lennon.
Christ, he went thru it with MLK.

Seems like, ...especially if you're liberal, there's too much "went thru..."

So he takes that emotional baggage that most men deny they even have and he stands up
and says "This is how I feel," and most men don't have the balls to do that.
It's called performing. It's bearing your soul and risking the ridicule.

Aspiring performers should watch him and learn a damn thing or two about show business.
Hell, most professional performers should be watching, too.

A shot of Chinaco to you and Joey and Bono.

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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