Archie Bunker/Sammy Davis script
GLORIA: I'm sorry, Mr. Davis, sometimes
my father says the wrong things.
SAMMY DAVIS, JR: Yeah, I've noticed
LIONEL JEFFERSON: But he's not a
bad guy, Mr. Davis. I mean, like, he'd never burn a cross on your
SAMMY DAVIS, JR: No, but if he saw
one burning, he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it.
ARCHIE BUNKER: Now, no prejudice
intended, but I always check with the Bible on these here things.
I think that, I mean if God had meant for us to be together he'd put us together.
But look what he done.
He put you over in Africa, and put the rest of us in all the white countries.
SAMMY DAVIS, JR: Well, He must've
told 'em where we were because somebody came and got us.
Thanks to Kevin Doyle, who needs to send more like that...
Ditto-tang fails to put the bag on Rack
Click Here Needed: cool, damp towels to revive Freepers
The fact you have dared to defile both a good and moral white woman
with your poisonous ways, and one of my favorite websites offends me deeply!
Just like niggers will always be fat stupid lazy ugly niggers, jews will always be greedy
blood sucking vampire rodent race (eternal jews) who control 95% of film, paper, and TV.
Rack hits the jackpot.
Rack, I'll give you Lanny the K, $200 cash and a first-round draft pick for her.
Subject: Chinaco for John Lee Hooker, also died June 21
Two memories, one second hand which will leadoff:
Remember when the Blues Brothers, Belushi and Ackroyd were big? They actually toured with mixed results (John ingored pleadings from concert promoters to train his voice and he lost his pipes about a fourth of the way through the tour). Anyway, after one of the concerts, Belushi runs into John Lee with a blond on each arm and Belushi couldn't have been more gracious, shaking his hand saying what a big fan he was of his music, and then he asked if Hooker had ever seen him on television.
"Yeah, you one of them Muppets, ain't you?", replied Hooker.
After that, Belushi insisted that Hook appear in the Blues Brothers movie. (Larraine Newman is the source for this story).
Primary memory? Hook at the Long Beach Blues Festival. I had front row seats about eight years ago, outdoor setting, hot as hell. Hook was the primary name, last one on stage his set was desultory--just sitting in his chair, barely audible, no energy. It had been a long day and people were starting flee to their air-conditioned cars. Between songs, some guy shouted out, "Hey, John Lee! I know you've given a lot and you've been waiting all day to get on but James Cotton was just on and kicked ass--how about showing us something just for a little bit?"
Hook stands up, and with NO band backing (just him and guitar), rips into "Boogie Chillun" for what seemed like fifteen minutes though I'm sure it was about half that long. Time just stopped. Hook liked studio and clubs over the big stages but that day, for just a moment, he showed me why going to concerts can be so much damn fun.
How about a deep, long shot of Chinaco Anejo for John Lee Hooker?
Clay, on any other day, I would've remembered.
I heard the news about both on the 9 PM news and started typing "Bunker."
I like the English bands.
They all wanted to be John Lee Hooker.
That Clarksdale/Mississippi/Memphis/St Louis/Chicago
corridor was home
for Richards, Clapton, Page, Wood, Stewart and dozens others.
The music I like the most came from Hooker and his peers.
He was part of the mold the others copied.
So a shot of Chinaco Anejo to John Lee Hooker, and "Boogie Chillun."
I'm ready to end this netauthority.org business, but so many
are turning in so many websites that are hysterical, such as this one:
To: Paul Harvey
Subject: Notification of Internet Violations
Dear Paul Harvey,
It has recently been brought to our attention
that you are, or have been, in violation of the Net Authority Acceptable
Internet Usage Guidelines. It has been reported that you both distribute and view offensive materials over the Internet.
Net Authority has investigated these claims by
checking your webpage at
http://www.abcradio.com/radio/ph/index.shtml and verified that they are true.
As a result, your personal information has been added to one or more Net Authority Internet offender databases.
You have been added to the following databases:
- Bestiality Offenders
Let's ask the witness - is this a false claim?
People have turned in the vulgar Pigboy, Fox News, Hannity, Laura
the Unlaid etc
and each has gotten a cyber-threat from the thumping bushwackers.
Subject: Archie Bunker
Thanks for your moving appreciation of Carroll
O'Connor and his alterego, Archie Bunker.
Not much more to say, really.
I just thought you selected the best moments from a great show and offered some insightful thoughts
on their meaning for us then and now as a racially/politically screwed up country.
One good thing about writing online - no tear stains on the paper.
I don't know what I'll do when we lose Richard Pryor.
I forget, when is her court date? End of July?
Can she stay sober until then?
You gotta go right here, then send me your "best of."
Should be funny as hell.
Ethical is the Bush Administration Anyway?
by Vivica Fox and Bob Novak
When you're done laughing, Click Here
Smirk and the First Driver toast Polish President Kwasniewski
at the presidential palace in Warsaw, June 15, 2001.
Why is Smirk back on the sauce?
Can an alcoholic have "just" one drink?
Didn't he admit alcohol meant more to him than his family?
Didn't he tell Baba Wawa that's why he had to stop?
Didn't he give us his word that he had stopped?
He's already weak, stupid, greedy and heartless.
Can we tolerate "drunk," too?
Damn, someone sent this to me and I can't find it.
It was about Tiger Woo playing gold with Rudy Giuliani's
and with Giuilini's trigger-happy security people around, Tiger better
make sure he's damn careful when he reaches into his golf bag.
Alert we'd like to see
Alternate Guest list for Friday, 06/22/01
William Jefferson Clinton <Big Dog>
Susan McDougal <Heroine>
Ken Starr <Strikingly similar to Pigboy - separated at birth?>
Bartcop <Slayer of Pigboy>
Barbara Streisand <Real Dem>
Trent Lott <Majority leader wannabe>
James Carville <Dem with "a pair">
Joe Conason <Dem with an attitude>
This Week: Vincent Bugliosi, Geraldo Rivera, George Carlin, Al Gore
by Gene Lyons
Jenna and Barbara's Excellent Adventure, however, called for GOP-style moral relativism.
Pundits opined that laws forbidding 18-year-olds to buy liquor are absurdly unfair.
Never mind that the Reagan administration (under the iron fist of Mrs. Bob Dole)
forced the states to make the drinking age 21 or lose federal highway funding.
And where were these free thinkers when
Texas Gov. George W. Bush signed laws
mandating serious jail time for repeat offenders? Leading cheers, that's where.
Subject: Sean Hannity
Watching Hannity and Colmes tonight made me realize
that Sean Hannity has to be the the most
hateful scumbag of all the hateful right-wingnuts in the media. The first topic up was the killing of
the five children in Houston. Hannity was foaming at the mouth and outraged that anyone would
even consider that Andrea Yates might get to use an insanity plea in her defense.
He was screaming that she is a cold-blooded killer
and should get the death penalty and that
defense lawyers who would use depression or insanity as a defense are what's wrong with America.
Yeah, Rush said the same thing.
To hear them tell it, child murder is a normal, everyday thing,
not likely done under severe stress or mental incapacitation.
It's like arguing that Jeffrey Dahmer was sane.
Keep in mind - that's not what they really think.
They're not in the morality or legal business, they're in the
"How can I razzle-dazzle the ingoratti today?" business.
They are who'ores.
by RB Ham
Ronald Reagan was insulated by the plausible denial philosophy, but George Sr. was not.
He murmured 'out of the sphere of influence' or some such crap, and that was it.
Off limits. Then on his way out, he pardoned his co-conspirators and dissapeared from view.
The lack of any closure to the Iran-Contra Scheme will leave a festering boil just underneath the collar of the Body Politic.
And then, after 8 years of peace and prosperity, the boil pops above the
to burst former Iran/Contra shakers and movers start getting cushy posts in the Bush II regime.
I still shudder.
Otto Reich Back?
My God! Do Americans have short memories or what?
John Negropante? For UN Ambassadorship?
He covered up Right Wing Death Squads' crimes for political purposes.
He should be in jail. My opinion, sorry.
Ollie North running for office? Sheesh.
The Power of Comedy
"It is unconscionable that George
Bush has approvel high-level jobs for the children
of Supreme Court justices Scalia and Rehnquist while he is president.
It makes as much sense as Johnny Cochran hiring Lance Ito's kids
to work for him during the O.J. Simpson trial."
-- Bill Maher
Now, if you laughed at that joke, it was because it would be so
for one team to employ the children of the judges - in ANY case.
But the American whore press is giving President Weak, Stupid and Crooked a free pass on this.
Why is the Failure in Thief being given a pass on ethics violations?
This is how they restore "honor and integrity?"
Bribing the judges - openly?
Why are the Democrats enabling this horseshit?
What will it take to get the Democrats to stand up and fight?
Remember those kooks from yesterday?
A lot of people wrote to say there was no such page.
I said there was - it's back up now.
What is www.NetAuthority.org?
The Net Authority is a group of individuals who have taken it upon themselves to govern the Internet.
We have waited patiently and in vain for the World's governments to put their resources together and
develop a standard set of guildelines for what material should be permitted on the Internet, and what should not.
We have prayed without answer for a centralized
agency with the power and the means to stop crimes against
humanity on the Internet. The time for waiting has ended. Clearly we, the people, must take matters into
our own hands. Net Authority writes those guidelines. Net Authority is that agency.
I'm waiting for their "further prosecution."
"Next month George W. Bush will attend
the G-8 Economic Summit.
When his staff first told him about the G-8 Summit, George W. yelled, 'Bingo!' "
Dissing Clarence "Slappy" Thomas
Full confusing Story
The Claremont Institute is calling attention to Ebony magazine´s list of the 100 most influential black Americans in 2001.
To be sure, says the think tank, some worthy names made the list: Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, Kweisi Mfume,
Charles B. Rangel, Michael Jordan and Oprah Winfrey are among the 100.
"Whatever one thinks of these individuals,
there can be no question that they all wield great influence,"
says Claremont´s Michael Finch and Thomas Krannawitter.
"But then there is Clarence Thomas, who grew
up in the Jim Crow South, came from poverty
and a broken family, and now sits on the Supreme Court."
I don't understand.
Why should Ebony Magazine have mentioned Clarence Thomas?
Subject: Notification of Internet Violations
It has recently been brought to our attention that you are, or have been, in violation of the Net Authority Acceptable
Internet Usage Guidelines. It has been reported that you distribute offensive materials over the Internet.
Net Authority has investigated these claims by
checking your webpage at http://www.bartcop.com
and verified that they are true.
As a result, your personal information has been
added to one or more Net Authority Internet offender databases.
Your information will be stored in the databases until enough evidence has been gathered against you to warrant
further actions. To help avoid such a situation, it is strongly recommended that you cease your immoral actions
on the Internet at once.
You have been added to the following databases:
- Bestiality Offenders
If you would like more information about Net Authority
or the Net Authority Acceptable Internet Usage Guidelines,
you may read the details at http://www.netauthority.org/. It is imperative that you fully understand the guidelines
if you wish to avoid further prosecution.
While the individual who reported your actions
to us will remain anonymous,
he or she wished to pass these words on to you:
"Keep up the great work. Bartcop continues
to be the only source of intelligent commentary.
I reported you for bestiality, because you are the only one who talks about the sheep continually
getting fucked by their leaders like Rush and Delay and Lott and the donkeys who keep taking it
in the ass from the like of GW and the other Repugs. Keep up the good work."
May God be with you as you struggle to overcome these evil impulses. You will be in our prayers at night.
Net Authority Investigations Department
by Tim Ferguson
A joke someone sent me:
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see your registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I
saw the registration
in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and
killed the woman
who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car
was quickly surrounded
by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's my registration card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened: no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The
officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox,
and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
Seems like I always forget Archie Bunker when I mention my comedy
In the seventies, I thought Richard Pryor and Archie Bunker killed racism.
I thought what we learned from those two men was putting an end to that ugly shit.
I remember Richard doing his white voice, explaining how nervous
it made him to be
in a room full of "those people." Remember the bit about some white people
left their front row seats at one of his shows to get some popcorn and when they came back,
"two niggers" were in their seats.
The white guy stammers, "Excuse me, Sir,
but we were sitting in those seats," and the black guy says,
"Well, you ain't sitting here now are ya, motherfucker?" ...and the white guy said, "I guess not."
Showing that whites and blacks were uncomfortable with each other
was diagnostic, I thought.
Laughing about it was medicinal.
Archie was the number one bigot in America.
The shit he said was so outrageous, it was funny.
It's how Rush Limbaugh should be treated today - with laughter and amusement.
But somehow, ...it's probably Reagan's fault, racism never faded away.
Reagan made America comfortable with its racism.
Today, Rush has the same hatred, and says the same things Archie
said 25 years ago,
and he's "the leader of the Republican party," the title Reagan bestowed on him.
The contributions Archie Bunker made were enormous.
The time Sammy Davis Jr. left his wallet in Archie's cab was one of the best.
Like Chris Rock said 25 years later, celebrity trumps racism.
Archie, as racist as today's GOP, was bragging that Sammy Davis Jr. was coming to his house.
He was so pleased, he let Sammy sit in his chair - no small honor.
Archie sat in Edith's chair and enjoyed a Coke while Sammy told stories.
Sammy coughed during one story and asked Archie if he could have
a sip from his glass of water.
Archie agreed and Sammy took the drink. A minute later, Archie needed a drink, and he brought
the glass to his lips before he realized he was about to drink after a black man.
The look on his face was priceless. It was white America's illogical fears in a nutshell.
It was though Archie might "turn colored" if he drank it.
Then, one of the best lines I've ever heard:
"Hey, Sammy, I know there was nothing you could do about being born black,
but what made you turn Jew?"
Then, of course, when Archie had his racist pals over to meet
Sammy, one of them had a camera.
Picking up what an ignorant racist Archie was, as they counted down the seconds to snap the picture,
Sammy kissed him on the cheek when the count hit zero. All of Archie's racist friends now had a picture
of Archie kissing "a nigger." The studio audience laughed so hard and so long, they had to stop taping.
Geez, there were so many...
Remember the time Lionel Jefferson went somewhere with Gloria,
and Archie and George Jefferson
got together with their equally-racist attitudes and declared there should be no "race mixing."
When they realized they agreed, they chared a toast to their racism and bigotry.
Two conservatives, vowing to stick to their traditional values of hate and fear.
Do you remember when Archie locked himself in his basement for
He was getting something ready for the movers to take, and he got locked in.
The others were out of town, and he was stuck down there. He did a great, one-man show.
He tried to break down the basement door, but it was at the top of the steps and Archie was
out of shape. He'd start at the bottom of the steps and charge up, but by the time he got to the
top step, he was so tired all he could do was fall on the door and nothing happened - he was stuck.
Alcohol has always been a fertile writing tool, so they had Archie
find an old bottle of Scotch.
"A blanket in a bottle," he called it. As he got drunker, he convinced himself he was dying.
(When you're drunk, you don't need a reason to act illogically.) So he's drunk as hell, passing out
and waking up, wondering if he was alive on Earth or had died and gone to Heaven.
When the movers arrived, (they were black of course) they let
themselves in the house and called
out for Archie, yelling, "Mr. Bunker, are you down there?"
Archie thought God was speaking to him from Heaven. He dropped
to his knees and prepared
to meet his maker. The black guy walked down the steps, behind Archie, who was on his knees.
Archie steeled himself for this once-in-an-afterlife opportunity to meet God. Finally, drunker than
Jenna Bush and still on his knees, he spun around to meet God and said, "This is it!"
He opened his eyes and saw a black man.
Once again, the crowd was absolutely ape-shit with hysteria.
The look of panic and confusion on Archie's face was pure gold.
The only words he could muster were, "Forgive me, Lord. Jefferson was right."
One more - it was the time the Bunkers had guests over for for
Archie had a friend of his from work, and Mike had a friend over the family hadn't met.
This guy had been in Canada, dodging the draft, and he snuck back to New York to see Mike & Gloria.
It was a masterpiece of scriptwriting.
Archie kept asking Mike's friend about where he worked and where
he lived and the tension was
building higher and higher as Archie, the most pro-Vietnam hawk since the vulgar Pigboy, finally
realized what was going on and he jumped up and said something like,
"I refuse to eat Thanksgiving dinner with a goddamn draft-dodger."
I'd never seen anything this intense on my television before.
Looking for closure, Archie asked his friend from work to back him up and the friend
said he lost a son in Vietnam, and maybe if the his son had that draft-dodger's courage,
they'd all be eating Thanksgiving dinner together that night.
This threw Archie for a loop.
Things weren't funny anymore.
After the "goddamn," I don't think there was another laugh in that episode.
Archie, clearly stung by his friend's unexpected sympathy for the draft-dodger, said,
"I dunno about that kinda talk, ...I need to do some thinking..."
It was the first time I ever heard "goddamn" on television.
Remember, this was the seventies and it was early Sunday evening - the family dinner hour.
When they say All in the Family was ground-breaking TV, they're right.
I don't know if Norman Lear got special permission from CBS to use that word, or if Carroll O'Connor
accidentally let it slip out in the excitement, because it was bleeped in the repeat months later.
That episode taught me that it's OK to use strong language when it really counts.
So, join me in a shot of Chinaco Anejo to a true
giant of comedy, Carroll O'Connor,
creator of one of the funniest characters in history.
...and then, in a couple of hours when you're purging that shot,
think about today's Archie Bunker,
the racist son of a bitch who leads the "Let's turn back the clock" party.
PS. And when Carroll gets to Heaven, if God is black, I
hope they both have a good laugh.
Rest well, my friend.
"President Bush admitted today that he
is a friend of the electrical industry.
He said 'I owe them a lot. If it wasn't for the electrical college I wouldn't be president.'"
says no to safer baby cribs in hotels
"They don't vote" one insider quotes Jeb as saying.
Full sad, out-of-touch story
Saying it would promote "a false sense of security," Gov. Jeb Bush has vetoed a bill
that would have required inspections of cribs in hotels to meet safety standards.
Bush said he rejected the bill because there
is "no evidence" of a crib-related death or injury in a hotel crib.
And he said requiring inspections of cribs at hotels and motels could lull parents into believing a crib is safe
-- when it might have been improperly assembled.
That's right, Governor.
That's why they should be inspected - because they're not always properly assembled.
Good idea, Jeb, wait for several hotel cribs deaths before you allow inspections.
How much is the baby funeral industry donating to your campaign?
By Isaac Peterson
Aircraft operating out of Area 51
Vegas Fever Update
Some of you think I'm kidding about Area 51. Here's the latest report.
Yes, the rumors are true, we have visual confirmation
of a new Stealth Aircraft operating out of Area 51.
This is a first-hand account of an excellent sighting that we had in the morning of June 12, 2001 from Tikaboo Peak.
I had taken a film crew for a Learning Channel
documentary up to Tikaboo for an overnight camp.
In the morning, a little before 8am we heard and then saw a couple of planes fly far in the distance.
A short while later we saw a KC-10 refueling tanker fly right overhead. Then we saw the tanker refuel
what looked like an F-117 Stealth Fighter, accompanied by an F-15 chase plane. They were flying at
about 15,000 feet AGL, roughly north to south, coming almost right overhead.
What immediately got our attention was the size
of the F-117 compared to the F-15. Both planes
should be about the same size, about 65 ft. long with a 43 ft. wingspan. Now this F-117 was much larger,
1.5 times to twice the size of the F-15 and roughly half the size of the KC-10 (which is 182 ft. long, with a
165 ft. wingspan). As we watched the planes disappear in the distance we knew that this was not an F-117,
but that we had in fact witnessed a Black Project in operation.
About 20 minutes later we heard the planes approach
again from the south, and much to our surprise watched
them fly right by Tikaboo Peak, very slow and in low altitude. They were flying over Tikaboo Valley, west of
our location, in perfect view, with the morning sun in our back. Right in front of us the unknown Stealth Plane
banked left and right, so that we got an excellent view of top and bottom of the plane. It looks just like a huge
version of an F-117 Stealth Fighter, and without the F-15 as reference it can easily be mistaken.
Wings, fuselage and tail section appear identical, only the cockpit looks slightly more streamlined.
It was a perfect fly-by, as if to show us their
new toy. When it banked the Stealth filled almost a third of
the field of view of my 20x50 binoculars, and I got an excellent look at it. Watching the huge Triangle
maneuver with such ease is an amazing sight, and the plane seems to be fully operational.
Unfortunately our cameras were already packed
and, as so often in similar situations, we were so busy
watching the unknown Stealth plane that none of us took any photos or video footage. We missed this
perfect opportunity, but I will be looking out for the plane over the next few weeks and try to get a
good photo to post on this web site.
Several residents of Rachel have seen the plane
in the area as well, in bright daylight. It is dark grey in color
(although one witness saw it being sand colored), and about 1.5 to 2 times the size of the F-117 Stealth Fighter.
That would make it an impressive 100-130 ft. long, with a 65-85 ft. wingspan.
At that size it would likely be a bomber.
We saw it flying slow, but another witness saw it going slightly below Mach 1.
Saddam, please get froggy with us, so we can play with our new toys.
You can tell yourselves that the military has no new toys.
You can tell yourselves that Area 51 is a fictional, movie place.
You can tell yourself any goddamn thing you want, but when you see something
with your own eyes that can not be true, things that you can not explain like,
"How in the hell did that plane make a turn that tight - that's not possible..."
then you've been to the desert just outside Area 51.
I have Vegas Fever of 103...
"Have you have seen Lara Croft Tomb Raider
with Angelina Jolie?
It is very exciting. In the final scene she raids a tomb and finds another 5,000 ballots for Al Gore."
Subject: French Democrats
Is it just me, or are the Democrats STILL acting like the Vichy French,
bending over and taking it from the Nazis in WWII???
You must wake up every day and feel like Victor Lazlo...
Yes, get me out of here!
But what an insult to the French!
On a happier note, I see by the counter at the
bottom of your page that you
should get your 1,000,000th official hit today. I know it hasn't been there for
more than a few months, and I've been reading you since '96, so you've probably
had several million visitors, but it's nice to see it be official and documented.
A shot of Chinaco and an ear of Bixby corn to you!
PS. Just followed your link to netauthority.org.
I'm troubled, on a base level by this,
because I think they must get their funding from drug dealers.
Some of those kids on their homepage are throwing up some gang signs!
Thanks for that and the kind words.
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.