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 Volume 462 - Our Worldwide Embarrassment
.Old Stuff ...Celebrity-hoe-mails  .Required Reading. The Liberal Media?  ..Crime of the Century?    Kiss My Ass
 World News Links   .Onthe Far,  Far Horizon....LiveWeb Cams ...TheRuby Tape   The BartCop Tax Plan......Clinton's Page 
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 April 26, 2001....................................................................................................................................................Help Wanted
 VCR Alert - Sweep weeks are here!
Tonight we have new episodes of Friends, Survivor, C.S.I. Regis, and more.
  Also, Janet Jackson is on Leno. When she was on Dave, she looked spectacular.
  And, she's recently single, if you're felling lucky.
  The bad news? Sweep weeks are fund-raising weeks here at
  I don't want to be a politician and have to raise money 365 days a year, so it's sweeps weeks only.
  Right now, I'm at the ten-yard line concerning another big media buy.
  If, somehow, the May sweeps turns out to be hueueueuege, we might buy two.
  So, consider a donation to help fight the Evil Empire, the Illegal Occupation of the White House
  You can go Claven mail at PO Box 54466, Tulsa, OK 74155 or click the Visa logo above.

 Another Worldwide Embarrassment

 Click  Here

 Plans by President Weak & Stupid to sell weapons including eight diesel-powered submarines
 to Taiwan have received an embarrassing setback at the hands of European governments.

 Neither the Germans nor the Dutch, the only two countries producing the diesel engines,
 are willing to allow the sale of the subs to Taiwan.

 That leaves Mr Bush in the unusual position of having promised to sell technology his country
 does not control, and may have difficulty supplying.

 It's not my fault.
 Uncle Dick told me to say that.


 Rush was talking about how angry everyone is at Smirk after 100 days.
 Rush told a story Bill Bennett (R-Never actually charged with rape back in college) told him.
 He said Reagan used to look around the table at cabinet meetings and say,

 "Have you made anybody mad today?
   If your answer is no, you're not doing your job."

 Real cute story Rush.
 Trouble is, the people who are mad at Smirky are the Americans, the French, the British,
 the Germans, the Swedes, the Japanese, the Kosovarians and the Grecians.

 Everybody's angry with President Weak & Stupid, Pigboy, and you think that's an asset?

 ...and we still can't get our plane back.

 From : (withheld)

 Sorry to say you are 100% correct.
 I keep wondering where are the liberal voices?

 Barbara in Atlanta

 Barbara, I wish I knew.
 The only voice we've heard lately is Bob Kerrey, confessing to killing women and children.
 I wish I was one of 10,000 liberal voices, all trying to be heard.

 But nooooooooo.

 Smirk has the Democrats and the press hypnotized.

 Gays Blamed For Foot & Mouth Disease

 Click  Here

  Thanks to J.O.C.

Ask BartCop


Subject:  Smirk

Why is the press reporting that Smirk, when screwing up our policy on China/Taiwan,
said we would do "whatever it took to help Taiwan defend herself" when in fact he said
"whatever it took to help Taiwan defend theirself"?

Why, damn it?
Are they as ashamed as I am that he is representing us?




 Robert Downey Jr.

 Nobody has said this yet, so I'll say it - what if he's innocent?

 He was arrested on "suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance," police said.
 They haven't released the drug they suspect he was on.
 They haven't released the reason they became suspicious, either.
 For all we know, he could've closed a car door on his finger and became highly agitated.

 I mean, if I was a gambling man, I'd guess the charges are legit,
 but shouldn't he at least be charged with something specific before we throw him away?

  Smells Like Coup Spirit
   By Dwayne Eutsey

  Click  Here

 Where does mere coincidence end and meaningful patterns begin?  Even if the events in Florida listed here
 (along with the more detailed reports being filed by investigative journalists) are removed from the context
 of covert actions, it is easy to conclude that something profoundly disturbing happened in the previous election.

 Note:  This is almost too intelligent to be on
          Be sure and check this out.

 Robert Bianco

 I didn't know Robert Bianco (USA Today's TV critic) was gay. I'll tell you how I found out.
 He was previewing tonight's episode of Friends, where there's going to be a lesbian kiss between
 Jennifer Aniston and special guest star Winona Ryder. From the previews, they messed around some
 back in their college days and tonight revisits that period in their lives.

 Bianco said: If this is NBC's idea of a ratings-grabber, perhaps the network is out of ideas.
                      And when it comes to kissing Rachel, broing on Brad Pitt or don't bother.

 ha ha

 Brad Pitt?
 Aniston's real-life husband?
 Who wants to see Rachel kiss her husband?
 Robert, you must be gay.
 If you don't want to see those two girls kissing
 it could only be because you don't have a horse in this race.

 I guarantee Joey's head will explode if he sees this kiss.
 We'll just have to tape Survivor.

 If there's a straight man reading this that would rather see Rachel kiss her husband
 instead of Winona Ryder, please write, cause I don't think you exist.

 Brad Pitt?

 ha ha

 Double shot of Cunningham

 Wanted - Sports Editor
 I just found out that Lennox Lewis-Hasim Rahman boxing match was on HBO.
 I didn't know that, because I usually don't get to see the news section of the paper,
 much less have a chance to cruise the sports and financial sections.
 I thought it was Pay-per-View, so I didn't get to see it - damn.

 I need a Sports Editor, someone who already knows html and sports.
 If you have a page on the net and want to do what I'd call a shallow sports page,
 I'd put your link on the main page next to Links, Spirits and The BartCop Reader

 When I say shallow, you can get as deep into something as you want - it's your page.
 But someone that could do sports VCR Alerts, set up important sports events.
 Knowing soccer and basketball is not a big plus, but sure, they're sports, ...mostly.

 For instance, we've got the Triple Crown of horse racing coming up.
You could find some good articles and link to them or write something yourself, or both.
 We just had the NFL Draft, maybe you could've done something on that.
 Hell, I wouldn't mind you praising Tiger Woo (who's coming to K-Drag) cause it's your page.
 Baseball isn't too hot right now, but maybe if the Yankees are in Boston, you could tell us to
 watch for some bad blood or some special pitching match-up, that kind of thing.

 This would be as changing as the seasons.
 During the World Series, Super Bowl, New Years Bowl games, you'd want to be real busy.
 If it looks like a big job, have some friends help. Or, maybe somebody good with basketball,
 tennis and boxing could team up with sombody good with baseball, golf and hockey
 Maybe even (radical idea) a women's golf/tennis/basketball section?
 Dare I say, ... (dare, dare!)  a section on fitness, like going to the gym?

 What we want is a Headline Sports, touch-on-everything type deal.
 But if you want to put up 8 pages a day, fine with me.

 If you're really interested and want to help, but don't have a page or know html,
 your could always be a writer and e-mail your stuff to the Sports Editor.
 Or, if you're a lawyer or doctor, you could send in the occasional column about
 athletes in trouble with the law or their health - it's endless where this could go

 The best part of it?

 You'd be read by dozens of people every day. Hell, it might even turn into something.
 If you're a fun read with a interesting take on sports action, somebody might see you.
 What if this was something you really enjoyed doing, and a year from now,
 someone offered you $1000 per column to write for them - and you love doing it!

 Here's the deal:

 To save myself a lot of time, I need to have someone who has a page up, any page,
 to get things rolling because the whole point is fun that won't cost me more time.

 Maybe there's someone who dabbles in sports, but knows a lot about html and how to organize
 the best baseball guy, best football guy, the best Winter Olympics guy  etc. Koresh, if you people
 don't need a salary, we could have 30 sports writers covering sports like I cover politics.

 Oh, that reminds me,

 ...and try to understand, but I'd want the sports section to be G-Rated, language and nudity wise.
 I know, I know, I'm a hypocrite. I just think sports is different from having your vote stolen.

 Maybe if something is a horrible outrage, some "hells" or "damns" would be permitted,
 but nobody wants to read about a "mother-fucker" of a double play, right?

 So, what do you think?
 This could be like 9/10 of my ideas, ...or it could work.

 I need a Ted Turner type who can produce this sports page.
 You need to have a web page of yours that's at least as snappy as this one.

 ha ha

 You'd have a lot of freedom, and maybe someone will see your work and like it.
 There are people who started at  who were seen by higher ups.

 Mo Paul,
 the Wizard of Whimsy,,
 The Wolf,
 Jim Higdon,
 Christian Livemore,
 Margaret Shemo,
 The Diva,
 BardGal Tally Briggs
 (here I am, Sally Field again, probably forgetting the very same people I forgot last time)
 Tamara Baker,
 Steve Kangas,
 Joe C,
 (now I'm forgetting who wants to remain hidden, damn...)

 Well, anyway, maybe those talented people didn't actually get their start here,
 but surely someone saw their work and surely at least stole some of it.

 This is a win-win for everybody.
 The Sports Editor will have all the headaches, the writers will contribute,
 somebody will be discovered and get a job offer that'll really piss me off
 and best of all, I and the other readers won't miss the world championship boxing match!

 Send me some e-mail, start your subject headline with "sports."
 That way, a week from now, I can just hit "by subject" in the e-mail program
 and get every e-mail to forward to the Sports Editor.

 Hey, maybe it'll blow, but Hugh Henfer, George Jung and Jan Werner started small
 and they made history with sex, drugs and rock n roll.

 Let's do the same thing with sports.
 It's free, and you've got nothing to lose.

Cunningham Reaches 400 hits!

 ha ha

 That look on Smirky's face, when he's thinking, "I fooled her," is priceless.

 Kevin Cunningham, the premier photo-toonist on the world wide web,
 has reached a milestone with toon Number 400!

 Lemme tell ya, it's hard to do comedy - day after day after day.
 Cunningham is a fighter!
 Cunningham is not rolling over, either.
 Cunningham is not offering his ass to anybody.

 His Motto?

 "...Daily, over-the-top, political cartoons. No apologies!"


 Cunningham is what America needs right now.

 He's not apologizing to anyone.
 He's not apologizing the the Chinese.
 He's not apologizing to that idiot Smirk.
 He's not apologizing to the PC Police.

 Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand, ...for a toast...

 ...a shot of Wildflower Chinaco Anjeo to a very "bad man."

 A shot of the best to Kevin Cunningham.


 "There is no global warming, the ice caps are not melting."
    --Today's morning update from Rush

 So, ...icebergs are calving because the ice is not melting?

Does the West Wing read

 I know it's a stretch, ...probably, ...maybe, ..., certainly, ...but tonight's West Wing
 opened with Oliver Platt telling President Bartlet he had a "big hammer."

 Was West Wing saying "Hi?"

 Obviously, that's a very old phrase, spoken as a cliche by millions of Americans.
 Hell, Tom Delay is known as "The Hammer," which is kinda like, "the BIG hammer,"
 but it struck me, Platt insisting he had a "BIG hammer."

 But, prove he had a big hammer, to demonstrate that fact, to illustrate that fact,
 he used the "BIG hammer" to commit depraved indifference on a tape recorder.

 The "BIG hammer" Platt ( a favorite, read my 2000 TV forecast) used was decisive,
 it was certain, it was relentless, it was painful,effective and permanant.

 Aw, ...who am I trying to fool?

 The BartCop Tax Plan?

 That's a lucky joke, nobody is copying that from the BartCop Treehouse.
 I'm sure some economic scholars came up with the instant tax rebates before I did,

 It's obviously a string of coincidences that something I wrote Thursday or Friday
 showed on on Saturday Night Live.

 West Wing wasn't winking to Ol' BartCop.
 Neither was Bill Maher.
 Neither were The Simpsons.

 Do you remember that first mention?
 Homer said something, Bart replied, and Homer said,
 "Bart, be sure and put that in your newsletter,"
 which didn't make a whole lot of sense, in context.
 I mean, was Bart Simpson publishing a newsletter in 1998?
 The comment just seemed a little out-of-place, that's all.

 Neither was Chris Rock.
 Neither was Dennis Miller..
 Neither was Jimmy Fallon, week after week, word for word.
 (Jimmy, no pronlem, it's yours for the taking, buddy)

 Oh, well, I can pretend...

 Stroke Me, Stroke Me

 "A lot has happened since the burster bubbed.
   ...I, ...I, ...I mean bubble burst,"
      The Goatsexer, third hour today.


Subject: Bartcop Scores on The Tonight Show!


Bill Maher is eating Jay Leno's lunch using your website.
This is too cool!


Damn, I was watching Rickles on Dave.
What happened?
Was anybody taping?

Like I've Never Been Gone

I'll see you baby, when the ice has broken, when the rain stops falling down
I'll be waiting for you, baby when your time has come, and your face no longer frowns
I caught a taste of Chinaco on your lips, I saw the sunlight in your eyes

I wake to find you smiling with the dawn, just reminders of the time
I feel your breath, I look around but you're gone
I see the place where you were lying

I caught a taste of Chinaco on your lips
I see the sunlight in your eyes - ooooooooh...
It's been so long,  been so long, so long, since you've been gone
I look away, I can see that you're gone, I guess I'm, ...standing, alone

Across the sea, I see the bluebirds on high, in the wildest places, too
Above the ground the wind is calling out to me
Oh, lead me back to you

I caught a taste of Chinaco on your lips
I can still see the sunlight in your eyes, in your eyes
It's been so long,'s been so long, long, ...since you've been gone
I look away, ...I can see that you're gone
I guess I'm standing here alone

(guitar solo, the Dude nailed it)

Well I'll see you baby, when the ice has broken
When the rain stops falling down
I'll be waiting for you, baby when your time has come
And your face no longer frowns
And I caught a taste of Chinaco on your lips
I saw the sunlight in your eyes, in your eyes

Just like, ...just like I've never been gone
It's just like, ....just like I've never been gone

Joe Conason asks David Horowitz (R-Whore) to step outside

Face facts
David Horowitz accused me of lying,
but he's the one who plays loose with the facts on Reagan-era conservatism.
By Joe Conason

Click  Here  to see the better version

Click  Here  to see the forever version

Horowitz should retract that false accusation or stand exposed as a liar himself.


 "I'd like to share this award with Darrel Hammond, who did the Clinton and Gore
  impersonations, and I'd like to thank "Lonnie" Michaels and I especially want to
  thank my wife, because she has such a sweet, round ass."
   -- Will Farrell, after winning "Funniest man on TV" at the American Comedy Awards last night

 TV Ratings

 A few days ago, I talked about ER and Friends dying in the ratings.
 Then yesterday I saw another ratings chart that showed ER was #1 and Friends was #7.

 I'm printing this this before someone writes and accuses me of making stuff up.

 I forget...

 Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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