Shell Profits Top Forecasts
Shell Oil has fifth successive record quarter of earnings from raping consumers.
The energy giant's first quarter 2001 net
income was $3.855 billion
up from a record $3.129 billion from last year's rapes.
Boy, Ol' Smirky really knows how to repay a favor, doesn't he?
Niki Taylor underwent several hours of surgery this morning and
remains in critical condition with severe liver and abdominal injuries.
"She's out of surgery.... She's critical,'' said a spokeswoman for Grady
Memorial Hospital in Atlanta.
Doctors began operating on the 26-year-old model early on Thursday
a spokeswoman said the procedure lasted several hours.
Taylor, one of the world's best-known models, has been hospitalized
Sunday when the Nissan Maxima she was riding in crashed into a utility pole.
Tally Briggs / Actress at Large
Tally explains the writer's strike
Gag me with a Swastika
Rush is congratulating CBS for "having
the courage" to stay with the Survivor finale tonight
instead of postponing it out of fear because His Pigness is going to be on Larry King.
This is the kind of gag that might be funny if he was kidding.
This is the kind of gag that might be funny if she sheep thought he was kidding.
Can you believe conservatives can be so goddamn stupid?
Subject: Bartcop glossary
Could you please (re-)explain the Ann Coulter/McDonald's
those of us who didn't get it the first time? seems like it's been, um,
popping up more and more often.
Along the same lines, since I see you're beefing
up your "new to BartCop?"
section, you might want at some point to include a brief glossary or dictionary
of recurring references - for example, I didn't know the source of the
Paul Harvey/horse-molester thing until you explained it a few issues back.
That sort of thing. And K-Drag, "Tiger Woo," etc. As long as
you're talking about making the site more newbie-friendly...
The Ann Coulter thing is simply true.
She blows Ronald McDonald and gets free french fries for life.
That's really her, too, no kidding.
K-Drag is short for Knuckledrag, Oklahoma.
In Oklahoma, we think cockfighting is a constitutional right, like snake-handling.
In Oklahoma, we elect cocky goof-suckers like Jim Inhofe and morons like Steve Largent.
The priorities here are football, God, white power, family then country.
(Notice football is first? Uncle OJ Watts screwed
every white girl in the state when he was QB
for the Sooners and he's a big hero. They say he's the real father of one of Frank Keating's kids.)
Tiger Woo came from the Shaft
movie with Sam Jackson.
The bad guy was Puerto Rican (I think) and he raved and raved about Tiger Woo .
I think a reader would have to write the FAQ for
I can't get outside the box to look back in and see what needs 'splainin'.
Could someone put that together and send it in?
Put "FAQ" in the subject line so it'll catch my eye.
Subject: "Liberal" judges
I've heard this explanation that Democrats appoint judges who "write laws instead of interpreting them."
Other than bussing (30 years ago) can any ditto-monkeys explain this? Please provide an example or two.
If a judge says, for example, that a state taxing
Bingo at churches is unconstitutional,
why would that be considered "writing new law" as opposed to "interpreting the constitution."
I know that there are instances in which people
sue for relief based on existing laws
(there are dozens of court orders based on interpretation of the Civil Rights Act),
but that's not the same as writing new law. A judge can offer injunctive relief such as,
"You must make voting practices fair and equitable" regarding a lawsuit brought by
disenfranchised voters just as he can say, "You must pay CitiBank $30,000" regarding
a lawsuit brought by CitiBank. If someone sues and wins, and the judge prescribes a
remedy, that's not writing new law, that's doing what judges do.
When judges rule that a state's distribution of
school monies is unconstitutional and must
be addressed, that doesn't seem to me to be writing law, that seems to be interpreting it.
Maybe that's the source of our differing opinions. But let's remember, judges do that in
response to lawsuits that ended up in their court regarding that issue; judges don't just wake up
in the morning and say, "Today, I'm going to make the state pay more money to fund poor districts
and make large police departments promote more women. Tomorrow I might outlaw Harleys
and levy a $100.00 fine on the irresponsible parents of drunken college kids."
I'm trying to have an open mind about this issue,
and I'm more than willing to look at the
conservative argument to see if liberal judges are crossing a line that I haven't recognized.
Maybe I'm missing something, but I suspect that
Republicans are throwing around this line
about "writing new law" and no one's ever called them on it.
Of course, any explanation of the definition of
what "writing new law" must be careful
to not snare conservative judges, too.
Can anyone answer this without asking whether I'm a lawyer and telling me to shut up if I'm not?
Subject: CARTOON: 10-Year-Old Attacks Bush with Rapier Wit...
I turned my 10-year-old godson ( and his 12-year-old brother) onto BARTCOP.
We made a big deal out of the election this year, taking them both to different polling places,
and to the local Repugger and Democratic headquarters this year on Election Day.
Little did we know how monumental the day was
going to be. Sadly, I had to explain to
the little guys afterwards, that American democracy as I had known it, growing up,
was now officially ( by the writ of the Supreme Court, no less...) over.
Their voice and vote was now able to be officially
circumnavigated and perverted by
the ruling "MoneyBoy" elite, working hand in hand with the fanatical religious right.
Then, I inadvertantly taught them how to curse and swear as we watched the faux Inaugural together.
Now the youngest has turned his comedic sensibilities and artistic abilities towards political cartooning.
Here's one of his efforts.
uh oh. Remember the bad idea to allow folks
to "invest" part of their
social security in the stock market. One would think that after it tanked,
losing more than HALF its value, that idea would have been put to bed, but
W. is a tenacious and deeply stupid man.
He's named a panel of folks who ALL agree with
him. Former Senator Moynihan,
always a wild card, is on it. Moynihan, the poor-boy--who-made-good-became
Anglophilic-started wearing Britsh pinstriped suits and NOT BATHING.
I don't doubt it - I never trusted Moynihan.
Did you see the political cartoon where a woman
sees that the stock market
has tanked, asks husband if they can invest instead in social security!
...and OUR whole family loves VOYAGER, so you are not alone.
Nice chatting with you the other night.
You're a soft-spoken gentleman.
Glad you're also capable of breathing fire on behalf of the American public's right to know!
This excellent cartoon is by Rex Babin,
published courtesy of the Sacramento Bee, a fine paper.
I gotta quit watching the opening credits of West Wing
When I see "Written by Pat Caddell," I get sick
to my stomach.
How are we supposed to enjoy a show written by a traitor?
Let's compare Pat Caddell to the most hated women in America - Linda Tripp.
All Linda Tripp did was try to take down a president, (maybe break
a law or two
in the process) and stab her close friend Monica in the back and humiliate her like
no woman in history has ever been humiliated.
If you take away the back-stabbbing, all Linda Tripp did was fight for the Dark Side.
But Pat Caddell?
All thru the Florida theft, Pat Caddell was on every television
show that would have him
night after night after night after night after night after night after night after night after
night after night after night after night after night after night after night after night after
screaming, "I'm a liberal Democrat and I'm saying Al Gore is a thief and George II
is the real president and I'm ashamed that my party is run by thieves and crooks."
That's downright traitorous
So how can we trust a bastard like that to write our favorite
If he hates Democrats so much, how balanced can his writing be?
Someone help me out with a fine point:
When it says, "Written by Pat Caddell," that means what?
He had the idea, and someone else wrote the screenplay?
Caddell can't write that snappy dialog, can he?
What does "written by" mean in TV land?
I didn't like last night's show very much.
The scene with CJ and Josh at the end - she felt so let down by her president.
That reminded me of that bastard Caddell, getting in a shot at Clinton.
Then earlier, Josh compared Bartlet to BIG tobacco, trying to
"scam the people."
Another shot by Caddell?
I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it.
I know I say this too much, but if The Hammer was bigger, we could flood Sorkin's
office with letters asking him to please keep the reigns away from that bastard Caddell.
The best part of last night's episode was the wordplay between
Oliver Platt and CJ
and the First Lady. There IS a difference between "should know" and "need to know."
I want to be on a witness stand someday when a prick prosecutor tries to trap me.
Oh, Koresh, please make that happen before I turn to dust - please?
I want it so bad. so bad, so bad.
I don't see any way they can wrap this up by year's end.
They say they have three more shows, so I guess they're going to drag this storyline
into next year - possibly another Caddell shiv in the back to Clinton?
Let's hope it gets better.
"Over the weekend, President Bush's daughter
-- Jenna 'Anheuser' Bush
-- was cited for alcohol possession by a minor. You know how it is.
Kids are always trying to outdo the old man. Drink old Pops under the table....
The Bush family is not only raising
the bar, but they're closing it now. ...
I think this is why the President had twins. This way, one is always the designated driver"
Important article by Jake Tapper at salon.com
There is another serious issue as well: the forthrightness Ted Olson has or hasn't displayed
concerning the role he played in a privately funded investigation into the lives of Bill and Hillary Clinton.
Known as the Arkansas Project, and funded with around $2 million from conservative billionaire
Richard Mellon Scaife, the investigation was run from late 1993 to 1998 through two educational
nonprofit organizations under the aegis of the American Spectator magazine. The nonprofits
were, by law, not supposed to participate in partisan political work.
Wanna bet the pink tutu Democrats will green light this thieving, Nazi bastard?
One of my favorite websites, www.bushwatch.com,
been unavailable for several months now.
Are you familiar with this site, and do you know what happened to it?
On that note, I've read many times on the net
that the Bush handlers are responsible for bringing
sites like this down...is this true? If so, how are they able to get away with it? Is it a libel issue, etc.
Samantha, it's still there - I just clicked on your link.
For reasons I don't understand (I get a lot of that) the actual URL is
When you hit bushwatch.com is takes you there.
I used Netscape - if you're using IE, you might try Netscape and see if you have any better luck.
As far as Smirky's goons shutting down sites, I don't think they can.
Koresh, I was worried for a second.
If they shut down bushwatch.com and not bartcop.com that'd mean
I was being to nice, too fair to President Weak, Stupid and Greedy.
Can't have that...
did Whitewater begin?
You'd be surprised.
Subject: new button
Here's the NoDubya button we're printing up.
Great site btw.
Lots of us read it religiously.
Citizens For Legitimate Government
Subject: Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods wasn't invited to the White House.
At least that's not what he refused to go to.
Clinton invited him to go to the tribute to Jackie Robinson in New York because of the 50 year
anniversary of him integrating baseball. Anyway, he got offended because he said Clinton had
never invited him to anything before even though he had been a college golf champion.
He's said that if he had it to do all over again,
he would go.
Probably not out of any love for Clinton but out of respect for Jackie Robinson's family.
Keep up the good work!
What a pissy bitch Tiger Woo is.
However, bartcop.com regrets the error,
Speaking of pissy bitches
Can anybody tell me what address this is?
I'll be in New York next week, might like to get a photo of it.
Did I mention we're trying to raise money?
If you have money that you have no use for,
we could add it to other money and increase the size of the BIG Hammer.
PO Box 54466
Tulsa, OK 74155
or click below
West Wing Spoiler
If you want to know how West Wing ends this year, this fella claims
an extra in the last show and has read the script.
If you don't want to know how it ends, don't whine that this hurt
You have to click here to get hurt, so don't if you don't want to know.
Subject: You ARE the New Dem's Rush Limbaugh!
You really pulled a Limbaugh with your attack
on Mike Moore.
In a very Limbaughesque sleight of hand, you distorted Moore's position
by omitting that portion of the text disagreeing with your New Dem worldview.
Once again, you have vindicated my decision to
vote for Nader.
Not only is there precious little difference between the New Dems
and the Republicans....there is also very little difference between
the propagandists that support them.
That's right Bartcop!
.....Congratulations: you're now a media whore!
Where to begin?
I know - right now, Larry Kilbride is having multiple orgasms.
If anything, I'm the anti-Rush.
I BEG people to challenge me, to confront me, to debate me.
I'm not afraid to state my case.
I'm not a coward, hiding behind the best call screeners money can buy.
If bartcop.com had Rush's call screener, would anyone see your nasty e-mail?
Also, the Chat & Post thing.
It exists for people who think they haven't been heard.
Does Pigboy, Nader or Moore have one of those?
Because people like ME would demand they STAND UP and explain themselves.
You're not claiming Michael Moore would consent to an online debate, are you?
I know MM's not the anti-Christ, but he's dead-ass wrong about Nader.
If we debated, I give you my word I'd show him respect.
I'd make him eat his words, but I wouldn't trash him or anything.
Moore is wrong, wrong, wrong.
I don't care if he has a dozen Nader people to help him in our debate.
I think a debate between us would be DAMN GOOD for Democratic morale.
Talk to him, tell him I'll be reeeeeeal nice.
I'm always nice in debates.
Tell Mike if he whoops me, he'll have a powerful ally.
(I made the Catholics this same deal, they turned it down.)
Back to your accusatory e-mail...
I admit I didn't read every word of his long-winded rant.
That admission means it's incumbent on you to reproduce the part of his letter
that retracted his goofy-as-hell "they're all the same" propaganda.
You up for that?
Once again, you have vindicated my decision to vote for Nader.
If I were you, I'd stick with that belief,
because the alternative is just too gloomy.
The realization that you put Smirk in the White House might be too much for you to bear.
I don't know you, but I'd be saddened if you did something foolish because you realized
you helped put that idiot Smirk into power.
Not only is there precious little difference between
the New Dems and the Republicans....
there is also very little difference betweenthe propagandists that support them.
Spoken like a man with some free time Thursday
night at 9 PM CST.
How many times have we been here?
Some wiseguy with the BIG attitude shows up, demanding to be heard,
but once he gets his Thursday night venue, turns sheep and asks "wassup?"
This is f-ing Ground Hog Day for me.
I keep meeting people, again and again, who act like debate fodder,
but they're all in over their head and don't know it until it's too late.
Wait - let's slow down for a minute...
You made a mistake, and are trying to save face.
You put Smirk in the White House and you feel guilty - that's understandable!
Before I subject you to an online chat humiliation, let's reconsider.
If you're pro-Nader, you probably don't hate blacks and gays.
That makes us brothers.
What if we looked past your personal attacks and looked forward?
What if you and some friends got together for a friendly debate?
Would you consider that?
I'd hate for Smirk to win a second term because people like you are
with the delusion that there's no reason to vote for the Democrat.
"President Bush's daughter was cited
for underage drinking.
That's too bad, when you see something like that happen.
She was apparently slurring words, couldn't remember the alphabet.
Oh, wait a minute. That's her father."
Bush Bowls Over Media
by Joe Conason
Certainly Bush has benefited from the supine Washington press corps, whose leading voices
still tend to discuss the new President in terms of happy contrast with his predecessor.
In keeping with this theme, the current clichés echo the “character” propaganda of last year’s
Republican campaign. Unlike Bill Clinton, according to the predominant pap, Mr Bush is
“straightforward,” “plain-spoken,” “steady” and in some vague sense “Presidential.”
These flattering descriptions fill a vacuum
formerly occupied by critical (and frequently poisonous)
coverage of the Clinton White House. There is little mystery about why this has happened.
The conservative attack machine that blared continuous abuse of everyone associated
with the Clinton administration has been reprogrammed into an automated applause track.
Thank Koresh for people like Joe Conason and Gene Lyons.
There are so few people telling the truth these days.
Subject: Aaron Sorkin
Doesn't it seem a little too convenient that Aaron Sorkin is facing felony drug charges?
No disrespecting the tree house, but the West
Wing, with its prime time network audience,
huge ratings, brilliant writing, and world class acting, is the runaway champion of rational polemic in
the country right now. Every Wednesday, Aaron Sorkin shows millions of Americans the difference
between right and wrong in way that is not only hugely entertaining but also supremely convincing,
as he rips the bedsheets of the right wing's fealty to wealth and hypocrisy.
And now, just a few short months after our 200
plus year old democracy was destroyed by
a judicial coup de tat, all of a sudden he is going to be silenced?
I smell a rat.
I'm thinking mass demonstrations, hunger strikes, self immolations...
FREE AARON SORKIN!
NO JUSTICE NO PEACE!
Brew, please don't use big words like polemic.
I had to look it up in the dictionary.
(I was raised Catholic)
BTW, did you see where Sorkin pleaded innocent?
What kind of defense is he planning?
Someone else packed his bags?
Another apology we should give the Chinese is,
"We're sorry that we allowed a buffoon to become president"
Actually we should give this to the rest of the world.
Paul, slight correction - we didn't elect Smirky.
His daddy's friends on the whore court stole the election and handed
it to him,
just like everything he's ever had in his life.
Facts Don't Get In The Conservatives' Way
Subject: Jenna and her 'agents'
In your short piece about Jenna and her hearing
you said regarding them being outside the bar,
"What good is the Secret Service if they're not even in the same building as their charge?"
Well, they aren't very good, actually.
But you see, this really is the Repugs fault that the Secret Service is not in the room with her.
Since InvestigateClinton, P.C., Clown-Court, et
al., forced the Secret Service to testify
against Clinton, the Secret Service has obviously made a judgment call. If they think they
may be supoenaed to testify about something illegal, immoral, or fattening, they place
themselves in a position to "have no knowledge" of it!
As much as I dislike the Smirk-in-thief, and his
ilk, handcuffing the Secret Service
in this way is going to get someone hurt or killed.
If I remember correctly (who has time to look things up?) the arresting officers were in plainclothes.
So, as far as anyone knew, "two dudes" were hassling the daughter of the President.
Is that a good idea?
What if they had knives or guns?
What if they dropped something in her drink?
What if any damn thing?
Sounds like somebody's not doing their job
the press, as always, reported this "funny."
Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.