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Volume 482 - The End of New York

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 May 27-28, 2001.    ............     ...Advertise on     ...............    ..SPORTS..  ......       ..  ..Did you hear it? 

 Sign the President Blow Monkey petition

 "President Bush, if you deny federal funds to students
   who won't talk about their drug histories,
   it's only fair that you forego your federal salary
  until you are willing to come clean with your own drug past."

   Go to

   Thanks to Martin Sall

 Pearl Harbor

 I just got back from Pearl Harbor and I was so goddamn impressed I can't hardly type.
 This great (yes, great) movie has been peed on by almost every critic.

 They didn't like the writing. ("there were no surprises")
 They didn't like the directing. ("without grace, vision or originality")
 They didn't like focus, or the black-and-white newsreel footage spliced in..
 They didn't like most of the acting, (but they loooooved Jon Voight as FDR)
 They didn't like Kate's make up. ("women never looked that way in the 40's")
 They didn't like the length of the movie, but they loooooove to whine about what was left out.
 They didn't like the attack scene. ("people cut down like tall grass before a weed-whacker")
 They didn't like the dialogue. ("reams of banal dialogue")
 They didn't like the ending. ("where was the wham-bam?")
 They didn't like the "redundant" special effects, as though there are hundreds of different ways
  to show a Japanese zero dropping bombs on American warships.

 Fuck 'em.

 I thought it was a damn good film.
 I read a few reviews - all negative, but I was going see this movie no matter what.
 Maybe the damning of the film caused a little backlash in me, I don't know,
 I know if your eyes were dry when those hands poked out of the USS Arizona,
 you probably don't have a heart, so maybe you should just join the Republican party.

 Roger Ebert, whose opinion I respect, trashed the entire film.
 Check his hissy fit:

 Our hopes are not high after an early newsreel report that the Germans are bombing "downtown London"
 --a difficult target, since although there is such a place as "central London," at no time in 2,000 years has
 London ever had anything described by anybody as a "downtown."

 Gee, I've never heard that distinction before.
 I guess I'm a moron since I didn't know that the British don't use the word "downtown."
 Besides, unless you're British, how would you know?

 Another Ebert complaint:

 There is not a shred of conviction or chemistry in the love triangle, which results after
 Rafe returns alive to Hawaii shortly before the raid on Pearl Harbor and is angry at
 Evelyn for falling in love with Danny, inspiring her timeless line,
 "I didn't even know until the day you turned up alive--and then all this happened."

 What a horseshit cheap shot.
 It's real easy to ridicule out-of-context dialogue, but Evelyn finds out December 6th that her first love
 survived being shot down in Europe, and she's supposed to have her feelings sorted out the morning of the 7th?

 I bought the triangle all the way.
 I'd never seen Kate Bekinsale work before, but she did a great job carrying her half.
 I've always liked Ben Affleck, and the new guy, Josh Hartnett, was good, too.

 Ebert closes with this:

 I have visited the Battleship Arizona Memorial.  Three thousand died in all. This is not a movie about them.
 It is an unremarkable action movie; Pearl Harbor supplies the subject, but not the inspiration.

 Maybe I'm just blinded by my overwhelming respect for those brave men who fought and died,
 but dumping on this movie just seems downright unpatriotic to me. Maybe the movie studio screwed up
 by over-promoting, but I don't see why "Pearl Harbor fails to set record" should be the top
 entertainment headline on Yahoo. That's the same way they treated Clinton. He'd hold non-stop Middle-East
 talks for 55 hours and afterwards the headlines would scream, "Clinton Fails," ...the sons of bitches.

 The hospital scenes were expecially jarring. I've known the Pearl Harbor story for decades, but until today,
 I never once thought of what that hospital must've gone through. They kept joking that sunburn was about
 the biggest "medical crisis" they treated there, and then that hit. They showed dozens of men burned
 head-to-toe staggering towards the hospital - in one incredibly moving scene.

 This won't spoil anything, but the hospital certainly was not ready for thousands of casualties.
 Overwhelmed like crazy, in the mad panic, they had to quickly devise a triage system. The head doctor
 told Beckinsale's character to "figure something out," so she used her lipstick to write letters, such as
 "C" for critical, "F" for fatal - on the foreheads of the wounded.  Some critics thought that was stupid as hell,
 but I thought it was a stroke of genius considering the environment.

 ...and for those who ridicule the love story in the movie, did you see the NBC special Sunday?

 They interviewed some now-eighty old men who survived, and to a man, they said the memory of their girl
 is what kept them going.  One guy said he wanted his new wife to think he had died in the raid, so she
 wouldn't see how ugly he'd become after being burned. Their girls and their family is the reason they fought.
 None of the men could talk about that day without breaking down.

 Maybe Tom Brokaw was right.

What if Jenna Bush killed someone in a drunk driving accident?
 By Kevin Cunningham

 Click  Here

 Would it be okay to talk about her recklessness and disregard for the law then -
 even if she is a daughter of the appointed president?

 Subject: Laura The Loveless
  By Margaret Shemo

 Click  Here

 ha ha

 I love what she writes...

 Catholic Bishop Weds Korean Babe in NY
   Group wedding presided over by Sun Myung Moon
   Priests protest, "Why should he be happy?"

   Click  Here

 I ran across that recent audio clip of Bill Maher with Eight Wives.

 Click  Here

 He's very politically correct, saying the Democrats were "asleep at the switch,"
 instead of just calling them what they are - the Gelding Democrats.

 A good article about Andrew "bareback" Sullivan,
 the Clarence "Slappy" Thomas of the gay community.

 Click  Here

From: Susan Sparks

Subject: David Gilmour

I've been your rabid fan for months, ever since the coup, but you've really shot up in my esteem now.
After reading that you were a guitar fan, and making references to Jimmy Page frequently, I wondered
if you would ever mention His name (yes, greater than Koresh) and now you have!

But, seriously, you're pulling our leg about the Brothers in Arms thing, right?
Brothers in Arms--that incredible, beautifully political classic album by Dire Straits?
If you're not kidding, you need to pick up that CD ASAP and listen cover to cover.
Mark Knopfler is maybe number two or three on the list of the world's greatest blues-rock guitarists,
my hero, David, being number one, of course. But bless you for mentioning his name, and the name
of the song that contains the finest otherworldly  outro solo in existence (Freebird eat your heart out!)

In Gratitude for all you do,


ha ha

This is such a minefield.
All I know of MK is that horrid MTV song with "that little faggot," and Sultans of Swing.

Yes, I hear MK is a talented technician, I'd just never heard his softer side till now.
Not that I'm into soft, but I like to hear emotion coming from a guitar - not musical perfection.
It's the difference  between a drummer and a drum machine.

I sure think more of MK after hearing that West Wing.
I watched the ending again last night.

I wonder how many viewings it'll take to seem just real good?

 No Whiff of Poof
   by Maureen Dowd - She hates everybody.

 Click  Here

Unlike a Virgin
Spears keeps sex life private?

ha ha

NEW YORK (AP) - Lots of little girls look up to Britney Spears, but the teen pop diva says
she doesn't want to be considered a role model when it comes to sex and relationships.

"I just want to live my life," she tells Us Weekly magazine in its June 4 issue.
She also doesn't want to discuss the intimate details of her romance with
Justin Timberlake of 'N Sync, which has been a topic of rampant speculation.

"Have we had sex?  That's something that, you know, I'd like to keep personal.
 I want to try to keep a personal life," she says.
"I want to wait to have sex until I'm married. I do. I want to wait."
 Then she pauses and adds, "But it's hard."

 ha ha

 She doesn't know the meaning of the word.
 I'll bet Justin does, tho...

 Y'know, when you broadcast the assertion that you're a virgin,
 and you rub your breasts in your videos for the young boys to watch,

 ...the "Are you still a virgin?"question is going to come up now & then.

 They might as well do a Pay-Per-View of it and make even more money.


Subject: IMO's PIZZA?!?!?!

Even though I live in Dallas, I travel to St.Louis every two months.
And when I was there for the first time, the natives swore that I had to try
"St.Louis style" pizza from IMO's.

Well... ugh!
A pizza splattered with a white gravy?
How can you even think it equates to anything from the great City of the York that's New?

So, didn't like it?
My first guess would be you tried a different pizza, but Imo's is kinda distinctive.

ha ha

You got the white gravy pizza?

I get the sausage, ...but that's just me.

The Imo's I like is paper-thin, with a dark yellow cheese.
When you chew it, the cheese sticks to the roof of your mouth and your teeth.
And it rocks!

Of course, I've never tried the white gravy...


Subject: pizzA

I've never had pizza in New York but I have had Imo's and do agree that it's pretty damn good.
But it's so un-Italian that they don't even sell red wine in their stores: only pink and white.
But you can fill up on Budweiser instead so I guess that evens out.

But even better than Imo's (I think because it's been a few years now) was
the pizza at Balestreri's Italian-Ameerican restaurant in Wauwautosa (just
'Tosa' to the locals) on N 68th St. in the Milwaukee suburbs.

And I'm sure everybody's got a favorite (kind of like BBQ snoots -- you can only get the good ones
in East St. Louis), but if you use Imo's as a standard, you do know what you're talking about.

Maybe if some of the Democrats tried Imo's they would know that sometimes
you have to decide that "this is right, that is wrong," forget the bipartisan crap
and stand up on their hind legs and do the right thing.

Hmm, one big envelope addressed to Tom Daschle and an Imo's to go, please.

 Marc Perkel vs Joe Lieberman
 (Bet on Perkel)

 Click  Here

 Lieberman obviously must think God is the invisible moron in the sky.

Bush Faces the Power of Subpoena
 by Michael Waldman

WASHINGTON -- Teeth are still rattling over Senator James Jeffords's jump from the Republican party
and the shift of Senate control to the Democrats. Many consequences have been widely noted. But one of
the most important aftershocks has not yet been felt: The change in control means the Democrats will wield
investigative power. The Bush administration will have to face, as its recent predecessors did, an array of
committees with the power to peel back secrecy and probe controversy. The results may not be pretty.

Relentless scrutiny by the opposition party has been a fact of West Wing life for decades.
In more innocent days, novice presidential aides were warned never to write anything down that they weren't
willing to see on the front page of a newspaper. By the time I served in the Clinton White House, we were
warned to assume that anything could — and would — be subpoenaed by somebody, especially by
Congressional committees. Over eight years, the Clinton White House had to respond to hundreds of
subpoenas. Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush, too, had to face repeated investigations.

Until now, George W. Bush has looked — in this way as in so many — exceedingly lucky. With the
expiration  of the independent counsel law, and with Congress friendly territory, it looked as if he would be
able to sail through his term with far fewer controversies and confrontations. Indeed, there has been only
one high-profile investigation during the Bush presidency. The subject, naturally, was Bill Clinton.

Now the gavel is in the other hand. Senators, unlike House members, rarely resort to formal subpoenas
to get information and generally seek bipartisan accord. But if necessary, the Democrats will now be
able to push through subpoenas on party- line votes. This is an extremely powerful tool that must be
used both wisely and forcefully.

To cite just one recent example, the confirmation of Theodore Olson to be solicitor general might not have
happened if the Democrats had had subpoena power. They would have been able to seek detailed information
from more witnesses on whether Mr. Olson's account of his role in the American Spectator magazine's
"Arkansas project" was accurate.

Other administration activities deserve a public airing.
What role did energy companies play in the closed-door sessions that drafted the administration's new
industry- friendly energy plan? (Surely this deserves at least as much scrutiny as did Hillary Clinton's health
care task force.) Are White House political aides putting pressure on the Justice Department to ease off
its lawsuit against the tobacco companies?

It should not be payback time.*Democrats rightly spent eight years decrying government by subpoena;
not every controversy is a scandal. Joe Lieberman, who will be the new chairman of the Governmental
Affairs Committee, should not search for his inner Dan Burton — nor is he likely to. But the power to
probe is a critical tool for public accountability. Secrecy and special dealing are not unique to either party.
H. L. Mencken reminded us that conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
That now applies to Mr. Bush and his administration.


The next time we win the White House, the GOP will launch non-stop investigations
the way they did with Clinton, so why the hell are we playing by the damn rules?
To prove we're better than they are?

We can prove that for years and years, from the outside looking in.

 I love an e-mail with numbers
  This one's from Flybot.

 Click  Here

 The End of New York
 (The beginning of the end was in the last issue)
  The end of the end is in this issue.)

  After Ricky Martin, we took a cab down to Washington Square Park.

 It's a nice park - people were hanging out, walking their dogs, smoking handrolled cigarettes...

 Have you ever seen on TV or in movies where people are sitting outside playing chess?
 That's Washington park.
 I think Jeff Goldblum's dad was playing chess here in Independence Day.

 We kept walking and stumbled on New York's club scene.

 This is the world famous Blue Note Jazz Club.

 From their web page:
 The flagship New York club has earned the distinction of being the world’s premier jazz club and restaurant.
 Tony Bennett, George Benson, Ray Charles, Natalie Cole, Oscar Peterson, David Sanborn, Nancy Wilson,
 the late Sarah Vaughan and Dizzy Gillespie are just a few of the superstars that have called the Blue Note "home."

 Right across the street is the Village Underground.

 Look!  Patti Smith is here the first week of June!

 Next door to that is The Fat Black Pussycat.

 It's famous, too:

 I remember one afternoon [Apr 16, 1962] we were sitting in The Fat Black Pussycat drinking coffee, and Dylan
 started writing a song. He had his guitar and he was scribbling away, writing on a piece of paper. And he gave me
 his guitar and asked me to play various chords, while he worked on the words. When he finished it, we went over to
 Folk City and Bob played it for Gil Turner, who thought it was fantastic. And then Gil got up on the stage and
 played it for the audience, while Bob stood in the shadows at the bar. The song was "Blowin' In The Wind."

 Just outside the front door of the Fat Black Pussycat was a trash can that causght my eye.

 They want to keep New York clean, but, ...but, ...but what's that on top of the trash can?

  ha ha

  That club is a happenin' place, all right.

 Continuing onward, we saw Jefferson Square Market Library.
 Cool building, eh?

         Look upper right, you can see Rapunzel

 We kept running into these great little bakeries. Not only does NY food taste like a million dollars,
 it looks so good, you want to eat it even if you don't like what it's made of.


 I guess volume is the key. If you're going to sell $1500 worth of pastry a day, you can afford
 to pay a bad-ass pastry chef $1500 a week to create these incredible edible works of art.

 We kept walking and walking and eventually were were within a mile of the Savoy so it wasn't worth
 getting a taxi, so we just continued walking. Mrs. BartCop said she'd hate to visit New York and not
 get any great Italian food. I reminded her we'd had some great pizza, which got me an icy stare.

 So we jumped in the Le Sabre and drove towards Little Italy. (bottom)

 Of course, we kept filming as we drove, so as not to miss any of the sights.

 Yes, they love Hillary in New York.
 Only the criminals, the defacers and the Republicans hate her.

 One other thing - see that tiny sign in the upper right?
 It says, "Don't Block the Box - Fine + 2 Points."
 That's confusing, I wondered all week what that meant, then I found out.

 "The box" is the center of the intersection. What they sign means to say is,
 "Don't pull into the intersection unless you can get all the way across, dumbass."

 As savvy a New York driver as I am, I got caught in "the box" once.
 I was almost all the way across, then, in a New York second, hundreds of pedestrians
 were walking in front of my car, meaning I was blocking the traffic that had the green light.
 While hundreds of people were walking in front of the Le Sabre, a NY cop tapped on
 my fender with his night stick and said, "Don't Block the Box - Fine + 2 Points."

 I gave him my best Okie blank stare, like, "So what do I do now, O'Toole?"
 And he said, "Ease forward - through the crowd."


 Doing my best to avoid an indictment for "depraved indifference," I let up on the brake
 and the car inched into the madding crowd, ...and they parted like the Red Sea for Ol' Chuck!
 I got away with blocking the box without a penalty.

 Continuing with the story (which has taken longer to write than live thru) I used my honing skills
 to get us closer and closer to Little Italy.  The map I had didn't show street names,
 but logically it had to be in the next few blocks - then we saw - the flags.

  Mulberry Street, where Brando got shot in Godfather One

 This was way cool.

 We saw a bunch of restaurants with outdoor dining and the weather was perfect.
 All we needed now was a place to dump the Le Sabre.

 You see it?
 I'll be damned, there's a parking spot right there, so I snatched it.
 We were parked and soaking in Little Italy on foot.
 We saw this place called Florios, which reminded me of Tony's enforcer Furio.

 Then this dude spoke to us with his thick Italian accent and invited us to dinner.

 We figured it was a sign from God, so we accepted his invitation.
 The menu had a whole lotta stuff I didn't recognize, but I saw "Spaghetti and Meatballs,"
 and I've eaten that before, so that's what I ordered. Mrs. BartCop ordered the Fettucini Alfredo
 Of course, we asked for a giraffe of red wine, too.

 Within seconds, we had the wine, some bread and a dinner salad on our table.
 Salad?  I didn't notice salad on the menu, but there's a lot I don't notice...
 How did they know what kind of dressing I wanted on my salad?

 They serve Italian dressing on the salad.

 It's possible I use the term "greatest ever" too much, but this salad was so simple
 yet so damn delicious that no words have I.  Their dressing is what did it.
 Oh, I've never tasted anything like this Italian dressing.
 It was 90 percent regular, no radical changes or flavors, it was just better.

            Famous building in the background

 So here's the deal:

 I'm racking up major, major points with Mrs. BartCop.
 She was happier than she was in Volume 260 in the cool Santa Fe breeze.
 She couldn't be having a better time.

 We were dining outside, the birds were chirping, the Italian language was being spoken
 by a majority of the people around us, she had a glass of red wine in her hand and the giant
 fried cheese sticks were done just right.   I wish I had a picture.  Wait, ...I do!

 ha ha

 A little sip of wine, a nibble from a cheese stick, a half-a-slice of that bread
 followed by another sip of the red wine. I was scoring like Mickey his prime.

 Then it was time for la munche'

 Her bowl was bigger than it looks.
 So was mine:

       Mama Mia, that's some spicy meatballs.

 Some little dude ran out and said, "...Parmesan?"
 I gave him that palms-open up move that Brando does when he means "Why not?"

 It was really Catholic-tasting.

 ...and look at the size of those meatballs!!

If only the senate Democrats...

Uhh, ...nevermind.

We were having a lot of fun and everything was going perfect.
After we ate, we walked around and looked at the old shops.

                             pasta                                                                                                                     pasta

We were filming everything. The shops, the streets, the store windows, the people.

                                    pasta                                                                                                                     not pasta

 I forget what this is called, but didn't they carry one
 of these in the parade scene in Godfather II when
 Travis Bickle shot the Black Hand in the mouth?

Cheese shops, pasta shops, restaurants and bars.
Little Italy - what a place!

Little did I know I was about to be the victim of a mob hit.

Back after this.

     Don't forget the price they paid.

The Mean Strategy Backfires
  by Bob Herbert - NY Whore Times

 Click  Here

 Back in 1998 I offered the Republican Party some unsolicited advice.
 "Give up the politics of meanness," I said. "It's killing you."

 But the G.O.P. never seems to learn.
 Newt Gingrich once said, "I think one of the great problems we have
 in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty."

 ha ha

Regis to ABC: Don't blame me!
 Don't blame Regis for ABC's loss to CBS in the primetime ratings.

 Regis said ABC wouldn't even have been a close second this season - falling behind CBS
 by just 22,000 viewers - if it weren't for his show. "Where would this network be without
 the 'Millionaire' series this year? If you look in the top 15 shows, you'll see the four 'Millionaire'
 shows every week," Philbin told AP Radio. "Now, if they've got better than that, let's hope
 we see it this year.  Where are the other shows to support what we're doing for the network?"

 The game show pushed ABC to the top spot in the ratings last year, but its popularity has declined
 slightly this year. It's being cut from four episodes a week to two in the fall.
 "I'm not going to accept that as a problem that 'Millionaire' is creating for the network," he said, his voice rising.
 "I think 'Millionaire' has saved the network."

 ha ha

The End of New York II
Swear to Koresh, I was attacked by the mob.
Here's what happened, here's how the hit went down:

So we're walking around, like two bonehead tourists from Oklahoma,
the camera's pointing everywhere, and then I catch a glimpse of this gang...

 They started giving me the skunk eye - for no reason.
 As I got further up the street, the one with the striped tie gives a head nod to this guy,

  ...who jumped up and grabbed a giant wrench and started opening the hydrant.


 He had that hydrant open faster than any fireman I'd ever seen.


 I was wet, but I was alive.
 That's a true story, Kay, swear to Koresh.

 OK, new rule - no more taunting the gangsters...

 Back in traffic, we saw a car with diplomatic plates.

 Any guesses what VG is?
  If it's car #1, it must be the ambassador, himself

 The sun was setting and we wanted to get back to the hotel.
 On the way (not really) we thought we'd drive through Central Park.
 I am so stupid!

 By now, at was 5 PM on Friday afternoon in gridlocked Manhattan.
 It was taking 5 minutes per block, and Central Park was 45 blocks away.

 By the way, did you know the New York cabbies have come up with a new measurement for time?
 It's called a nano-gigo-second, and it's the precise period of time between when the light turns green
 and that son of a bitch starts honking at you from behind.

 We gave up and went back to the hotel - there's always tomorrow.
 The rest of the evening we sipped Chinaco and watched New York from our window.

 Funny, in New York, they never look up.
 We were only on the second floor, and we could watch people was they walked by
 and listen to their conversations, but in four days, nobody ever looked up and saw us.

(End of the story in this issue)

  ..Or does he?   by Jerry Politex, 5/28/01  from

Just because Rocco Landsman, producer of the hit Mel Brooks Broadway musical THE PRODUCERS,
says he'd give comps to Clinton, but not to Resident Bush, that doesn't mean that Bush couldn't see the show
if he really wanted to. Even though it's sold out into September, Bush could always have Karl Rove stand
in line at 9 a.m. for an early evening purchase of a couple of the standing room only tix.

Maybe that would begin to make up for Rove blowing the Jeffords Jump. On the other hand, why would
Bush want to see a play about a bunch of dumb singing Nazis, when he hangs out with them every day?
Of course, Bush could just cough up $1,000 for two same-day orchestra seats --he has the dough.
But why should he spend big bucks for something in New York City, when he has all that great free
cultural stuff just minutes from the White House? The National Gallery, the Freer, the Sackler? Right.

That'll be the day - when you see Bush in an art museum, unless it's filled with pictures of cattle,
cowboys, and Confederate generals.  When someone tells Bush that he works in oils,
the Resident assumes the guy's a friend of Cheney's.

 The End of New York Final

 Saturday morning we only had a couple of hours before our 11:45 flight.
 We packed, checked out and picked up the car.
 There were so many things we didn't get a chance to see, but we wanted
 to take one last shot at Central Park on our way out of town.

 Driving up 6th Avenue, we hit the stoplights with perfect timing.
 I only stopped three times from 23rd street to110th - amazing.

 I had to cross 110th Street, because of the song in the Jackie Brown movie.

 We made a left and found ourselves in Duke Ellington Park!

 I didn't even know the Duke had a park, but there it is...

 According to the map, were only a block away from Central Park.

 I'll be damned - they did it again.
 Closed, just like the Guggenheim, The Twin Towers, the state of Maine,
 the top of the Empire State building - they've closed Central Park

 Maybe we were too early, or maybe Central Park was closed permanantly
 after Bruce and Sam tore it to hell in Die Hard III.
 By the way, wasn't the scene with the bomb in the fountain shot in Washington Park?

 So we're out of time, we gotta hurry to the airport for that 11:45 flight.

     Back thru Tony's toll booth, to New Jersey.

 I started humming the theme to The Sopranos.
 Mrs. BartCop told me to knock it off.

 We get to the Avis rental return and the dark complected man was very friendly.
 We joked about Guiliani being such a slut, bringing his goomah home.
 After he checked the car, he gave me my receipt.

 $1247 to rent a Le Sabre with a noisy air-conditioner for five days?
  What, do I look like I'm from Oklahoma or something?

 I got the attention of the dark complected guy and said,
 "This is crazy.  I didn't want to buy the car, I was just renting the son of a bitch."

 Ho looks at me and says, "No Hablo English."

 He stayed in character, like he's been thru this before, with other unsuspecting victims.
 By now, I'm worried that I did something wrong, because everyone knows you don't
 rent a car in Jersey because of that $950 car rental tax Trump pushed thru.
 The lady at the counter acted oh, so very surpised that "the computer made a mistake,"
 and came up with a more reasonable receipt, not realizing I'd palmed the original.

 Avis, you do that to every chap-wearing rube flying out of New York, don't you.
 You have to refund the money in what, 94 out of 100 times?
 But that "full-billing" on the other six makes up for the tarnished reputation, right?

 It's not even 11 AM and it already seems like a long day.
 We drag the bags to the TWA terminal and stand in the long line.
 When we're finally granted an audience with the ticket agent, and she looks like Luci the Bat!

 Worse still, she's all bad news.

 "You're not booked on this flight," she said, with a snicker.

 "Sure I am," I protested, checking my notes. "I'm on Flight 201 at 11:45."
 (damn ticketless tickets)

 She checks again, under my name instead of the flight, and says,
 "No, you're booked on the 2:45 flight."

 "Wrong lady, I know which flight I'm on."

 "No, you're booked on the 2:45 flight," insisted The Bat.

 "Hey, lady!
   How'd I know you even had an 11:45 flight?
   How'd I know that flight was Flight 201?"

 Of course, she had no answer for that.
 I asked to speak with a supervisior, but Luci kept fighting me and I was getting tired
 so we figured we'd just take the screwing and get lost in the airport bar.

 It was closed.

 So we sat at the damn Burger King for almost three hours, listening to crying kids
 as the Katherine Harris-type mother screamed cruel insults at them.
 They were boys, maybe 5 and 7 years old. Poor kids.

 Finally, we "bored" the plane and head for home.
 The pilot seemed to know the way out better than the way in.

 Heading for K-Drag, we assessed the trip as an amazing success.

 Eight days ago, Mrs. BartCop was dragged kicking and screaming into New York.
 She's leaving with a smile on her face, except for the fact that she'd miss The Preakness
 because goddamn TWA wanted to bump me off that flight without paying me, which is
 probably a crime if there are any assistant DAs from the Newark City Prosecutors Office
 reading this, but how am I going to prove anything?
 But even with missing the Preakness, we had a great time.

 I want to thank Ray again for the great city tour and the "extras," and I especially
 want to thank Christian Livemore for giving us the great gift of New York City.
 Without her, we wouldn't have gone and we might not ever have gone without her.

 A big shot of Chinaco Anejo to CAL, who not only has great taste in food,
 but she also does a lot of behind the scenes stuff for

 Ok, time to bring the story home.
 It's four plus hours of the plane bumping and layovers.
 We just wanted to get back to BartCop manor and unwind.

 Finally, we get to the K-Drag dirt landing strip, (taxes are low, here in GOP-land)
 and we drag ourselves off the plane and stagger to the luggage carousel. The sign says
 "Luggage Guaranteed in 3 Minutes," but it was 18 minutes before it started gurgitating.

 Another ten minutes go by, and everyone gets their luggage except poor, tired BartCop.
 The conveyor belt shuts off ...and here we go...

 I've never dealt with lost luggage before - no telling what kind of nightmare this will be.
 I go downstairs to the TWA ticket counter, and the lady says
 "The claims lady is already upstairs to take your claim."

 That's odd, how did they know I had a claim to make?
 I get upstairs and there's nobody but a tired Mrs. BartCop.

 I go back downstairs to the ticket counter and tell them I missed the claims lady.
 She gives me directions to the TWA luggage claims office, back upstairs.

 <big Al Gore sigh...>

 I finally found the claims office, and there's my damn bags.
 I said, "Hey, thanks for finding them so fast," and the lady said,

 "Those bags? They've been here since 2 O'Clock. They arrrved on Flight 201."


 The TWA luggage people put my damn bags on that earlier flight because that's the
 goddamn flight we, and the damn bags were booked on, you morons!

 Oh, I needed a drink or a loaded gun in my hands real quick.
 I settled on some Canaan tequila, which I had 45 minutes later,
 at home, at my computer, cat in my lap, as I started writing.

 Now we need to plan a trip to Las Vegas so we can compare the two!

 ha ha

 Thankgiving Tequilafest at the Rio!

 I forget...

 Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

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   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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