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Volume 497 - Spainers

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 I'm finding requests for ad information buried in the mail pile, so I have a mail box for business purposes.
 To request ad information, or to threaten me a lawsuit, use

 June 13, 2001.  .....   ...Advertise on    ..... .......SPORTS..  ...........  ..Did you hear it? 
 Fathers Day  is almost here.  Would your Dad like a  coffee mug or  t-shirt?  Click  Here 
 Sorry we've been down for a few days.  I had no way to reach you.
 Copy and paste this URL somewhere
 It's the URL to the Forum.   Next time we get separated, go there for an update.
 Now - the bad news:
 When Perkel told me  was fixed, I lost today's most excellent issue transfering files.
 Damn, damn, damn. Once it's gone, it's gone forever, and Norton's Unerase Wizard can suck me.
 I can't even retrace my steps because once I paste an e-mail or a story, I erase it to create room.
 Worst of all, I get so frustrated trying to keep up with the goddamn mechanics I can't write funny.
 Here's a bad rehash of what I remember from the lost issue: 

Dr. Laura Does It Again
Hysterical Ho Offends Tourette's Syndrome Families

Full Ho Story

On May 22, Dr. Laura responded to a caller who asked about whether her nephew with
Tourettes should be invited to a family wedding.

"Well, I'm going to come to your party and just scream  'F-YOU, F-YOU, F-YOU'
  every five seconds and see if you want to invite me back," Dr. Laura shreiked.

"The child's mother can punish the whole world because of this affliction of her son.
  She can punish everybody who doesn't want to call this normal. But it's not normal. And it's not nice."

 Did U2 steal Bullet from Ted Nugget?
  The Experts Speak

 Click  Here

Doherty Gets Speaking Gigs Over Jail
Shannen Doherty trades judge sex for slap on the wrist.

The witchy Republican bitch series was sentenced to either 10 days in jail or 20 days of work-release duty,
after she pleaded no contest to "pulling a Jenna." Doherty, 40, was arrested in December after she was
pulled over for driving on a Southern California highway like her name was Bush.

Doherty was ordered to pay $1,500 in fines and was put on three years' probation.
She's also not allowed to drive with any alcohol in her system, and she'll have to attend a series of DUI classes.

But a sticking point was over what kind of community service the actress would perform to avoid jail.
Prosecutors pushed for a standard punishment--which would include Doherty picking up roadside trash.
But Judge Charles Campbell said, "No, she's a Republican, and they don't have to act responsibly,"
so he agreed to let her work off some of the time by speaking at MADD meetings and "private counseling"
with the judge one day a month for the next year.

The Beverly Hills, 90210 alum was pulled over by CHiPs December 28 at about 3 a.m., while driving in
Thousand Oaks. Cops spotted her dirty Ford pickup drifting across several lanes of the freeway.
Once stopped, Doherty refused to take a breathalyzer test, but officers booked her on suspicion of drunk-driving.
She went so bitch-crazy, cops had to hogtie her.

All told, it's been a tumultuous couple months for the erstwhile Brenda Walsh. Last month, Doherty announced
she was leaving her hit series Charmed after three seasons--marking the second time she's bolted from an
Aaron Spelling show. She was fired from Beverly Hills, 90210 in 1994.

This latest departure came amid reports of on-set tensions between her and costar Alyssa Milano.
Doherty told the press she thought her talents were being wasted on a show "for 12-year-olds."

But in the meantime, it appears Doherty's talents will be put to use elsewhere--like under the judge's desk.


 Subject: Contribution


 I have never paid for any website before, but it's almost like stealing
 just showing up, reading and not giving anything back.
 We have a Republican in the White House, so this is all I can afford presently.

 Stay the course; the American people are smarter than Smirk gives them credit for.

 Your fan,

 Ryan, thanks for that.
 It was very generous.

                 "I feel very comftabull with the Spainers."


 "America wants to control the world economy, the world military.
   For us, Bush represents many things from our fascist past."
    -- Lacha Hernandez, a Spainer* teacher demonstrating at the U.S. Embassy.


Subject: Unauthorized Use of MUPPETS Property

Dear Sir or Madam:

I am writing this letter on behalf of The Jim Henson Company (“Henson”).
As you may know, Henson owns all rights in and to the MUPPETS™ characters and property,
including KERMIT THE FROG™.

We’ve recently been informed that your website, located at, features a picture of
Henson’s KERMIT THE FROG character, along with a superimposed photo of George W. Bush’s head.
We hope you will understand that we cannot allow our intellectual property to be utilized in association with
materials that are of a political nature, especially given the strictly non-partisan allegiance of our characters.

We anticipate that you will understand our concern.
Therefore, in an effort to resolve this in an informal and amicable manner,
we are requesting that you voluntarily remove the offensive content from all websites where it is made available.

Thank you very much for your attention to this matter.
We look forward to receiving your response soon.

This is not a complete recitation of the facts and circumstances surrounding this matter, nor is it a
waiver of any right or remedy of The Jim Henson Company, all of which are expressly reserved.

Very truly yours,

// jp //

Jill Peterson

Jill, I don't blame you.
If I was a Puppet person, and you had a comedy web page and put Smirk's ugly mug
on my body you'd have a fight on your hands, so let's work together to resolve this.

I'd also like to thank you for using the proper "lawsuit/business" address.
Can you believe some people send non-lawsuit, non-business mail to that address?
Also, can I ask who the rat was?
I'll visit him later...

Plus, I like the way you phrased your argument:  We hope you will understand...
That was well written - designed to keep the situation from getting heated.

We anticipate that you will understand our concern.

Again, very well put.
I like the way you do business, Peterson.
Y'know, if you're not happy with the Puppet People,
I can always use quality personnel. I know CAL could use an assistant.
I'll have my people send you an offer to consider. an effort to resolve this in an informal and amicable manner,

That's nice - hey, that really is.
You're appealing to my generosity and good nature,
 knowing how different things would be if you came on like a pack of wild animals.
You know how to do your job, Peterson.
You use your head and you get results.

...we are requesting that you voluntarily remove the offensive content

Now see?
That's all you ever had to do - just ask me.
I'm a good guy.
I see your point.
You can't be associated with a cocaine-dealing, abortion-providing, AWOL-going,
snot-nosed rich boy who nullified America's voting privileges, that's for damn sure.

I'm with you, Peterson.
You've closed the sale - count me in.
The "offensive content" (good name, by the way) will be removed as soon as possible.

That offer will be Fed-Ex'd to you by Friday.

Looking forward to you joining the team.

Supermodel's Condition Unchanged Month After Crash
 Niki Taylor Update

It's been six weeks since Niki Taylor was involved in a serious accident and she is still listed in critical condition.
There was promising news two weeks ago when doctors in Atlanta took her off the respirator,
but she still runs a high risk of infection.

The 26-year-old supermodel suffered liver damage and other abdominal injuries.

Coke Bear says...

Hang in there, Niki...

 How is Weak & Stuipid doing with his European Charm offensive?

 Click  Here

 The challenges to Bush's agenda come as Americans appear increasingly doubtful that Bush
  is being well-received on the world stage. A CNN-USA Today-Gallup poll found that 46 percent
  of respondents said foreign leaders don't have much respect for Bush.


Subject: Dr. Laura

The guy who blinded half of the Western Hemisphere by
posting her pictures on the internet was 30+ years her
senior at the time of their relationship (and still is!).

Of course, that was before she was 30 and before she
shacked up with Lew for 9 years before marrying him.

dunno about his age


You are correct, Sir.
Bill Ballance is two full Deheryckeyes in age away from Nasty Ass Laura.

She's guilty of every sin that she shrieks about to those simpletin callers,
and the right-wing handjobs are giving her a million a month to be Nasty Ass Laura.

 This Las Vegas/Area 51 thing...

  I'm working on this Las Vegas/Area 51 story,
  but right now it's flatter than Smirk's EEG.
  It's got no spark.

  Will keep working...


Subject: Moronic

Bill, "I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Monica ..."
but I did visit the last night and ranted.

And then came Hillary, a fine specimen of contradictions and deceit.
Definitely not a liberal... I can think.

Can you?
Louis B. Caruana, Ph.D.

Dr. Lou, ...can I call you Dr. Lou?

Dr. Lou, you claim you can think.
I don't know you, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that.
...but your overall communication skills seem to be somewhat lacking.

You're saying Bill visited last night?
How could you know that, Dr. Lou?

...and then came Hillary?
Bill and Hillary were both here last night?

...are you sure, Dr. Lou?

Tell you what, Dr Lou - if that fancy GOP thinkin' of yours ever gets to the point where you
can string together enough words to commit to a cognitive point, get back with me.

...and one last thing,

With a name like "Lou Caruana," do you get a lot of My Sharona jokes?


Subject: Democrats

I'm your biggest fan, and very calm.

ha ha
Thank you

After Jeffords switched you claimed 'its still 51-49' or some shit like that.
I'm cynical like that. But I see other benefits but I pussied out and didn't tell you.
And you see it now.
You said:

 > Jesus Christ, of course it is.
 > It's clearer than Lake Concha.
 > Jim Jeffords is responsible.
 > When he left the Grand Old Fascist Party, he took away's Smirky's monopoly.
 > Once the Democrats were in a position to hold an inquiry into the California energy rape,
 > the gouging sons of bitches had no choice but to ease up on their cash Niagra.

It's time we kicked right-wing ass!
Let's get started.


Salty, it might be worse than you think.

So far, Republicans Jeffords and McCain have been Smirk's biggest problems.
The Democrats are all hiding and cringing.

Jeffords and McCain aren't afraid of the weak and stupid appointee,
and BIG OIL crapped their pants when they lost the senate, and dropped prices,
so they aren't afraid of the weak and stupid appointee, either,

...but the Democrats are still hiding and cringing...

Even if they have no courage or convictions, can't they even get up and lie to us?

Don't you even care, Arthur?
Don't you even care?

Whoops, ...sorry, ...that was Pacino in And Justice For All

Smirk's party is giving him hell, his oil buddies can't trust him, Europe hates him,
and he doesn't have the slightest clue why anybody might be mad at him.

Uncle Dick told Condi to leave that part out of Junior's "education."

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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