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Volume 499 - Hold the Mayo

Recent.Old Stuff ...Celebrity-hoe-mails  .Required Reading. The Liberal Media?  ..Crime of the Century?    Kiss My Ass
 World News Links   Rush Sings   ..LiveWeb Cams.   ..The BartCop Tax Plan......Clinton's Page        The Ruby Tape 
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 June 15, 2001.  .....   ...Advertise on    ..... .......SPORTS..  ...........  ..Did you hear it? 
 Fathers Day  is Sunday.   Would your Dad like a  coffee mug or  t-shirt?  Click  Here 


 "I hit some good shots that landed in places it's hard to make par from."
    -- Mr Perfect, explaining that he's still perfect, it's just the damn
        laws of physical science that caused him to suck all day.

 U2 singer pushes the West to grant debt relief
 to poor nations so they can 'begin again'
    By Mark Memmott      Top Story in USA TODAY

 Click Here

 Bono, 41, front man for one of the most successful bands of the past 20 years. It's hard
 to imagine, but Bono is a serious player on Third World debt, one of those vital but arcane issues
 that can numb even professional policy wonks.

 That the Irish rocker has turned into a behind-the-scenes lobbyist respected by Republicans and
 Democrats alike is one of the more bizarre tales in Washington politics.

 Why did the GOP pick the elephant as their party symbol?

 Jay Leno explains:

 Click  Here

From: mikemccarthy


Subject: Gravity

That was some very keen intellect you displayed today on your radio program when you said,
 "If you take away the black vote, Bush won by a landslide."
Man, it's tough to argue with intellect like that.

Did you know that if there was no gravity we would all float up to the sky?
There, now I feel smart just like you, Rush!

Keep talking, you make me laugh!

MAC, if you take the vote away from everyone but oil company executives,
Weak & Stupid might've won 100 percent of the vote.

 Will Weak & Stupid honor the Nazi SS at Bitburg like Red-Ink did?

 I don't know Smirk about golf  (I only do sports) but they say Mr. Perfect
 is "hitting the greens" less than 50 percent of the time.

 Mr. Perfect, crying into his towel,
 hoping the BartCop Hex goes away.
 Today's score was his worst all year.

 Another Phun Audio Phile

 Remember that arrogant Republican AM radio smugrat Michael Delgiorno?
 (With that new prick Wes Minter on the air, Delgiorno seems moderate now.)

 This is a short clip from during the Elian "crisis," the GOP fabricated.
 It's a great example of how the right-wing argues.

 Click  Here


Subject: guitarists

#1 is Keith Richards
(whodda been shit without studyin' black American Guitarists real obsessively,
suckin on a lotta Mary J., and drinkin that fine American whiskey: Jack Daniels.
If he'd have stayed an anglophile, like you, Bart, we would never have heard of him).
#2 is Eddie Van Halen.
(He da man!  You jus' can't get that good in England.)
Rock n' Roll is American.  England is a Colony.
This is the last word on guitarists, goddamnit.
(Catholics don't lie)

Maybe Catholics don't lie, but they believe the craziest stuff.

I'll give you Eddie for technical proficiency.
He's like a sniper - he can hit a bullseye at 50 yards, but he's got no passion.

...and Keith Richards?
Since Satisfaction, I've never once heard of anybody who said,
"When I saw Keith Richards play, I knew I wanted to play guitar."

Keith "plays" a guitar like Pete Townsend - he has to play something to be in the band.
Like Townsend, he uses a guitar to write, but he can't play it.

 Triple shot of Cunningham


Subject: Angie Harmon

Saw this on ESPN's website:

Jim Fassel had a special wedding gift for Angie Harmon, who married Jason Sehorn last weekend.
Fassel gave Harmon a New York Giants' No. 1 jersey with the name "Angie" on the back.

"The reason why I'm giving you this jersey before your honeymoon is because I know
  Jason  won't tackle or touch anyone in a jersey," the coach cracked.

 Do you realize neither Bush daughter has been so far arrested this month?

 ...and it's the 15th!!!!!

 Celebrity Mail


 Subject: Please lift the BartCop Hex

 Dear BartCop,
 As president of NBC, I have a responsibility to the stockholders.
 Our coverage of the US Open in Tulsa will blow donkey if Mr. Perfect fails to make the cut.

 Could you please lift the BartCop Hex?
 I'd consider it a personal favor.
 I'm a powerful man and a favor from me could change your life.

 Will you do that for me?
 BTW, I love your page,

 Andy Lack

 Andy, sorry, no can do.
 Sure, I considered it, but then I heard that Mr. Perfect used God's name in vain
 over the airwaves earlier this week, and that I cannot forgive.

 As for your "very valuable favor," that means nothing unless you want to replace that hosebag Russert.
 Yeah - give me an hour every Sunday and you can have your Mr. Perfect.

Ex-Bush worker guilty in tape case
 Plea deal may cut fine, prison time
  by Pete Stover - The Dallas Morning Whore

AUSTIN A former office manager for Smirk's media adviser pleaded guilty Thursday to mail fraud
and perjury, accepting responsibility for stealing and mailing debate preparation materials to the Gore
campaign, then lying about it to a grand jury.

Juanita Lozano faces up to 10 years in prison and $500,000 in fines when she is sentenced Aug. 17.

Federal sentencing guidelines make it likely that she'll get six months to a year in the slammer
and fines and fees of up to $2,200, under a plea agreement with prosecutors.

 Speaking of Tim the Whore, this Sunday he has Condi Rice.


 Have you seen any Biography this week?
 Koresh, it's been terrible.

 Mon - Robert Reed, aka Mr Brady of the Brady Bunch
 Wed - Reginald Vel Johnson, the friendly cop in Die Hard
 Last night - Dick Van Patten, who starred in some lame TV show years ago

 Are any of these people worth a biography?
 Have they done ALL the important people?
 How about a Weak & Stupid biography?
 Maybe they'll ask where Smirk was the years he went AWOL...

 Geez, if they're scraping the bottom of the barrel,
 how long before Biography wants to do the BartCop Story?

 Tort 'Reform'
  by Isaac Peterson

  Click  Here

 Celebrity Mail


 Subject: Could you please lift the curse on Mr. Perfect?

 Dear BartCop,
 Mr. Lack at NBC has asked me to intervene on his behalf.
 It looks like Mr. Perfect won't even make the cut, and that'll kill NBC's coverage
 so Andy, ...I mean Mr. Lack asked me to ask you to lift the BartCop Hex.

 As you know, Mr. Perfect is having the worst week of his life.
 He's storming around Southern Hills cursing and barking at the fans.
 He's about to blow a once-promising career and it's all because of the BartCop Hex.

 Would you please lift the curse?  For me?

 I know you're a big fan, so I'm enclosing a hot picture you might like.
 Please reconsider  ...for me?


 You made me spill my Chinaco...
 Nice tummy - you work out?

 As far as Mr. Perfect, when I put the BartCop Hex on some dude, I like to keep it on.
 I don't believe on going easy on the rich and arrogant Republican smugrats, but...

 I like you, and, frankly, I was looking forward to teasing Mr. Perfect all weekend,
 so I'll tell you what I'll do. Just this one time, I'm going to ease back on the BartCop Hex,
 Tell Andy I'm going to lift half of the BartCop Hex.

 If Tiger can't beat the Half-Hex, maybe he should find another line of work.
 You tell Andy Lack he owes me that big favor, plus, you owe me a table dance or no deal.
 I'll call you next time I'm in Dallas, maybe some weekend when the Giants play at home,
 but don't expect any sex.


From: Tamara Baker

Subject: Chelsea moves on

How a REAL President's Daughter Behaves, Part 3485743285:

While Jenna and Barbara bounce from one booze-related arrest to another,
Chelsea's been the model of grace, intelligence and decorum.
The worst anyone can say about her is that she's a bit of a klutz on her bike.  :-)

Again, we're talking about a kid who's so mature and trustworthy and smart and poised
that she spent a good chunk of her dad's last years in office acting as an ambassador
without portfolio to India and southeast Asia.
Can you imagine Shrub sending the twins out to do that job?

Know who Chelsea reminds me of?
Eleanor Roosevelt.


Tamara Baker


 Subject: Hello from Biography!

 Mr. BartCop, my name is Peter Graves.
 We're looking at the possibility of doing the BartCop story on Biography.
 Isn't that exciting?

 Frankly, I've never heard of you before, (I don't own a computer) but we've done all
 the well known celebrities and your name kept coming up on our request line.

 Please contact me as soon as possible so we can get pictures and some background information on you.

 Peter Graves

 Sorry, I don't need the fame or the headache.

 By the way, I liked you on Mission Impossible.

Rain Checks?

 Koresh,  the rain in K-Drag Thursday was f-ing biblical.

 But the PGA, awash in their tens of millions, says  '"F" 'em."

 If you had a ticket to Thursday's windy, rain-drenched, flood-causing thunderstorms,
 you can frame it and show it to the grandkids because they don't do rain checks in the PGA.

 If you paid $90 for a ticket to see the Tiger God,
 you bought yourself a worthless $90 momento of something you never got to see.

 John Zogby (R-Takes Bribes) has a new poll out

  More Americans would rather see someone else as President compared to those who say
  President George W. Bush deserves to be reelected, a new Zogby America poll shows.

  Results from the nationwide poll, conducted June 8-11 of 1007 likely voters, show that 38%
  would like to see someone else as President, compared to 29% who say Bush deserves reelection.
  Another 33% are not sure.

  A majority of Republicans (52% reelect, 12% not) say Bush deserves to be reelected compared to
  Democrats (11% reelected, 61% someone else) and Independents (22% reelected, 39% someone else).

  A majority of Americans (59%) say the President's daughters are showing a lack of respect for their father
  when they break the law, no matter how minor.

 Tally Briggs / Actress at Large

 Media Delusion

 Click  Here


 Cameron Crowe:  Have you seen Eric Clapton with his new band?

 Jimmy Page: Oh, Eric. Fucking hell, Eric. Yes, I saw him with his new band and also at his Rainbow concert.
                       At least at the Rainbow he had some people with some balls with him.
                       He had Townshend and Ronnie Wood and Jimmy Karstein and (Jim) Capaldi.
                       "Pearly Queen" was incredible. And I would have thought that after that, he would have said,
                       "Right, I'm gonna get English musicians."
                       Ever since he's been with American musicians, he's laid back further and further.


Subject: Looks like W can't speak Spanish either...

Hi BC!

First, thanks for all the info on tequila over the past couple of years.
I was teaching a lecture on Latin American agricultural crops on Monday,
and one of the kids asked me a tequila question.  Thanks to you, I slam-dunked it.
The class thought I was a Rocket Scientist!

On Dubya, I heard his aides talking up his linguistic abilities, saying that he could converse in Spanish.
They made it sound like he was proficient (not just "fluent", where all you do is talk fast and it doesn't
have to make sense).  I was watching CBC coverage of the Quebec City summit, and I observed him
putting on his translation headphones whenever someone was speaking in Spanish.  I thought that it was
just the accents that might have been throwing him, but now it looks like his ability to carry on spontaneous
conversations (same as in English?) has been somewhat exaggerated.

This is from Wednesday's "Guardian":
"...Mr Bush felt confident enough to try his Spanish, which, it turns out, is extremely limited.
At the press conference with Mr Aznar, who appeared to have no hard feelings after Mr Bush
the previous day called him Mr Anzar, the US president repeatedly tried out various Spanish phrases.
But within 20 seconds of Mr Aznar starting to speak, Mr Bush's comprehension was exhausted and
he reached for an earpiece carrying a translation.",7369,506114,00.html

I know he can read out speeches in Spanish, but it's NOT the same thing as being bilingual.
(I can do the same thing in French -- and I would never claim proficiency in that language,
because I'd be asking for trouble if I were ever expected to demonstrate it.  And claiming I
could converse with important international leaders would just be irresponsible.)

Anyway, glad you're back safe and sound from NYC.


Victoria, B.C., Canada

 You just gotta click on that banner.
 It'll take you to the Rush/Hitler similarities page.

 Books: ADOLF's "Mein Kampf" bears striking similarities to RUSH's book "The Way Things Ought To Be," for example:

     a. Both are long-winded, political documents written in a speaking or speech-like voice. The tone of each is urgent or
         intensely aggressive, both with warnings of sinister forces that may poison society or defile the country.

     b. Both books were best-sellers (and both first works), and each portended societal revolution.

     c. Much of the content of each book has become public policy or could become public policy, shortly.

     d. Both author's views are not based on formal academic tradition, but are rooted in pseudo-history or simply the
        author's prejudices.

     e. Both books were required possessions for followers, though few actually read these books in their entirety. As
         anecdotal proof, it has never been noticed that in RUSH's second book, "See, I Told You So," RUSH actually
         repeats a very significant portion of the first book, word-for-word (more about this later).

 This is good stuff, highly recommended.
 At the bottom of his page he tells about visiting Rush's hate TV show.

 Sorry, No Red Numbers for Woods

How come I suck this weekend?

 Tiger is hitting trees and missing putts.
 When the round was suspended after a two-hour delay, Woods declined to discuss his
 three-over-par 38, snarling, "I'll see you tomorrow," as he hurried to a car and left Southern Hills.

 The BartCop Hex is Working


 "I say loud and clear that our nation is willing to lead on the issue of global warming.
   The problem is I want to go in a different direction than everybody else."
    -- President Weak & Stupid

 O'Reilly Thursday night - whining about how unfair it was that the press was going
 after Smirk on such a personal level, as tho Clinton's cock was public fucking domain.

 He had some blonde Republican sex kitten on, who was so breathless in her exasperation
 that someone would attack Weak & Stupid's honor, and O'Reilly chimed right in.

 The two of them wondered how could anybody think W&S's brainpower was a legitimate issue.


 Could it be his long-standing refusal to speak on camera without unscripted questions?
 Uncle Dick might be worth that $22 million for keeping the pResident off-camera.

 I've never been able to say this before, but I'm smarter than the President of the United States.
 Oh, if Sister Mary Froederick could see me now!


Subject: Lanny says Hello

BardGal Lover,

That dipshit Robert Redford makes Bush's occasional verbal gaffes sound eloquent.
Redford is like that loser Al Gore.
A blithering idiot.   What drivel and lunacy.
He is one of your boys, aren't you proud?
He lives in fairy tale land.
Isn't he the biggest developer in Montana?

Lanny Kiedrowski
Kicking More Robot Liberal Asses

PS A photo of another of your fans is included.

 Hey, she's kinda cute.
 I hope you told her I was married...
 I don't mess around on Mrs. BartCop.
 Have I mentioned her first name is Lorena?

 Oh, and Robert Redford lives in Utah.
 Not sure he's developed anything besides Sundance.

 By the way, didn't you promise to leave and never come back?
 Or was that a different right-wing handjob?

 Happy Birthday to Courtney Cox and Leah Remini


A Word from Christian Livemore

Hey folks,

We need your help again.
No, it's not money.  This time we need your brainstorming powers.

In our latest attempt to grow the hammer higher, we're compiling a list
of sites that might be interested in doing a banner exchange with

If anybody knows of any left-leaning Webzines or businesses that might
like to associate themselves with (strange as that idea may seem),
could you please e-mail me at

As always, to quote Bartles & Jaymes, thank you for your support.


 President Weak & Stupid is scheduled to meet Russia's Vladimer Putin Saturday in Ljubljana.
 Hey, Smirk, I have a joke you can tell him:

 What's the difference between Russia and America?
 In Russia, the people get to choose their leaders in free elections!

 And if you really want to make him laugh,
 try to pronounce the name of the town you're in.

ha ha

My political enemies, providing content for

It's all part of  The Master Plan.
Forcing my political enemies to provide me with comedy.

Could life get any sweeter?

ha ha

 ...and to think,

 ...they thought I was stoopid.

ha ha

 Remember Tracy Mayberry (R-Bovine)?
 She's the lady who clogged her plumbing with bacon grease and went whining
 to the press because landlord Al Gore couldn't fix it fast enough.

 Remember how the GOP jumped in to "save" her?
 They moved her to Indiana, so they could be closer to the Klan rallies.

 I wonder if the GOP is still helping her?
 Or was that just a campaign gimmick?

 A nice Chinaco Tequila page

 Click  here

 Thanks to Michael Zambotti

  Jimmy Page Leading British Guitarist - Poll

  LONDON (Reuters) - Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page has been voted the ``Prime Minister of Guitarists''
  in a spoof poll to elect a British ``guitar government.''

  The survey, carried out by Total Guitar magazine to coincide with the general election, asked music fans
  across the country to select the best guitarist from their region to form the 12-seat assembly.

  Page -- like the Labor government -- won by a landslide, with a huge majority in greater London
  over Brian May and Pete Townsend.  Eric Clapton claimed victory in the southeast, over Radiohead's
  Jonny Greenwood and Keith Richards.

  A coalition was formed in the southwest after polls revealed a dead heat between Ritchie Blackmore
  and Matt Bellamy of newcomers Muse.  Johnny Marr of The Smiths narrowly beat off competition from
  George Harrison in the northwest, gaining just 2 percent more of the vote.

  A recount was called in the northeast after The Shadows' Hank Marvin triumphed over Dire Straits'
  Mark Knopfler by just one percentage point.

  In the west Midlands, Slash of Guns N' Roses thrashed opponent Tony Iommi despite living most
  of his adult life in the U.S.

  Marillion's Steve Rothery took Yorkshire and Humberside; Dave Gilmour triumphed in East Anglia
  and Alvin Lee won in the east Midlands.

  Scotland was claimed by Angus Young, while Welsh music fans voted James Dean Bradfield of the
  Manic Street Preachers as their favorite strummer.

  Gary Moore took the vote in Northern Ireland.


Subject: Lighten Up

OK, you want to rag on the democrats for spinal abstentia.  Fair enough, they have it coming.

But why use Sen. Wyden's public release of documents revealing BIG OIL'S criminal activities as your pretext?
Particularly since they were brought to light in a Senate investigative hearing.
Isn't that what you want the Democrats to do?
Use their power to strip naked Cheney's incessant sophistry about how "California hasn't built a refinery in ten years"?
(It has baffled me how, in response to his rhetoric, not one of the Sabbath gas bags has made the rather obvious point
that the state doesn't build refineries, the criminal oil cartel does)

Seems to me, when the Democrats in the Senate actually start fighting for us, you ought to give them a little credit.


You have more faith in them than I do.
So far, Jeffords is the best guy on our side and he's not even on our side.

So, how is Weak & Stupid's charm offensive doing in Poland?

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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