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Volume 501 - Batgirl's Lap Dance

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 June 17, 2001.  .....   ...Advertise on    ..... .......SPORTS..  ...........  ..Did you hear it? 

 Would you join me in rooting for Tiger bogey Woo     today?

 For the first time in my life, I'm going to watch golf on TV this afternoon.
 I want to see him have the best day of his professional life today.
 I'd like to see him tear up all-white Southern Hills with a fantastic round of golf.
 I hope he battles back with some impossibly-great play to take the lead.

 Then I'd like to see him double-bogey the 18th hole and snap his winning streak
 by losing by one stroke to some unknown Goose whose name we can't even pronounce.

 ha ha

 Go Tiger!

 Sen. Helms Takes in U2 Concert

 RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) - At age 79, Jesse Helms (R-Tobacco Whore) has experienced
 what's usually a preteen right of passage - he attended his first rock concert.

 The heartless Carolina Republican was invited to a U2 concert in Washington by his friend Bono,
"It was filled to the gills, and people were moving back and forth like corn in the breeze,'' Helms said.
"They had that crowd going wild. When Bono shook his hips, that crowd shook their hips.''

 Bono and Helms - known for his unbending conservative positions on issues such as abortion,
 gay rights and federal funding for the arts - struck up a friendship last fall when the singer lobbied
 the senator on international debt relief.

 Helms, his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren and his great-great grandchildren watched Thursday's show
 from a sky box. They were invited backstage before the concert, where Helms met U2 guitarist The Edge.

 Helms said he was impressed with the Bono's stamina.

"I don't see how he lasts physically,'' he said.
"He runs and skips and just goes and goes.''

 Helms also said he turned down his hearing aids and put his hands over his ears during the concert because
 "it was the noisiest thing I ever heard. It was so loud I couldn't really understand what he was saying.''

 In Madrid, Bush Stands Firm on Kyoto and Missiles

 That was the headline in the fawning-over-Smirk USA Today on Wednesday.
 What a crock of shit.

 Who's writing headlines for them?
 Roger Ailes? Haley Barbor?

 If it was Bill Clinton in the same situation, that headline would've read:

 In Madrid, Clinton Catches Hell from Angry Allies

 Our allies are so pissed at President Weak & Stupid, he was afraid to visit our close friends, such as England,
 France and Germany, but the whore press overlooks that fact so they can prop up this unelected fraud.
 Nevermind that Clinton WON two presidential elections, unlike W&S who hasn't won any.


 Why is the press so eager to help the fraud pull off his scam?
 What's in it for the whore press to help Rove and Cheney with their charade?
 Meanwhile, the GOP is playing it smart, complaining about the "liberal media."

 That's the smart move.
 They'd be crazy to admit the Failure in Thief has the fawning press begging for scraps.

 ...meanwhile, the gelding Democrats are shaking in their boots.


 Well, President Bush ordered the Navy, finally, to stop their bombing exercises of Vieques Island.
 Bush said --"We've been bombing this place for 50 years. If they haven't surrendered by now..."
   -- Bill Maher

"When you're driving down a country road, and you come across
  a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle.

 You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get
 anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down"...

 Today in History

  In 1972: Five burglars were arrested at the Watergate complex in Washington, D.C.

  In 1940: During World War II, France asked Germany for terms of surrender.

  Was France led by Senate Democrats in 1940?

 Goodbye, Danny

 I have some news that should make you sick to your stomach.
 Little Ricky Schroeder has decided it would be a good career move to bolt
 the best acting job he's had since he landed that piano gig with Charles Schultz.

 Yes, Little Ricky is leaving Andy Sipowicz and NYPD Blew.

 But that's not even the bad news...

 His replacement?
 The new star of NYPD Blew?
 The new partner Sipowicz will be breaking in?

 Brace yourselves...

Tiffany Amber Theissen!

 ha ha

 Just kidding,'s the other one.

 Pretty boy Paul Michael Glaser-something from Saved by the Bell.
 Here is with with 90210's own Meryl Streep, Tiffany Theissen,
 who used to be Tiffany Amber Thiessen until the liver spots became noticeable.

 ...but Paul Mark Gelrayser?

 Aren't we more than a little insulted by that?
 Is Bochco trying to prove he can stay on the air without hiring talent?

 John Paul Golaser from Saved by the Bell?
 ...with Sipowicz?

 Remember the "You shave yet?" jokes he pulled on Schroeder?
 What'll be the gag this time?
 "Theo says he can babysit you tonight?"

 Mark Paul Johnson?
 ...with Sipowicz?

 Hey, Steven, did we piss you off?
 Are you angry about something and you're going to give us John Paul Gautier
 just to prove you can grab another cutie-pie child star and make him a New York cop?

 Is this the last year for the 12th Precinct?
 Is that what this "pick" means?

 ...don't get me wrong, I think Blew lost it a month before Bobby died.
 But Mrs. BartCop watches it, so that means I'll have to listen to it when I'm online.

 Marky Mark Goosehour?
 ...with Sipowicz?


Why didn't GOP Tim McVeigh shoot the Oklahoma Highway trooper?

I've never been in GOP Tim's position, but if I'd just murdered hundreds of people.
(he didn't know the tally at the time) and I was being pulled over by a cop who'd likely
have me put me death, the odds say get away at all costs. He had his Glock with him.

Go to hell with your inevitable wild-ass assertion that I'm for killing cops.

Sidebar within a Sidebar:
As  grows, it becomes incresingly impossible to say any goddamn thing
without getting several letters about my "monstrosity" and my "real motives."

I'm not saying he should have killed the cop.
I'm saying IF you just killed 168 and are "at large,"
and you can end the day with 169 and remain "at large,"
statistically the logic favors remaining "at large" at the end of the day.)

I'm saying IF you're McVeigh, and did what he did, why pull over and surrender?
Come to think of it, if I was going to attack a federal building and murder a lot of people,
I'd use a car with a valid license plate.

You do know that's how he was caught, right?
The OK State Trooper pulled him over for having no tag.

Trust me, Smirk is smart enough to use a legal car in a monster felony.
Could McVeigh have been more stupid than Smirk?


Did McVeigh want to get caught?
Has he never seen an episode of Law & Order?
Did he not think the Ryder Truck would be traced to him?

If he willingly allowed the OK Trooper to cuff him,
is that not evidence that he had a death wish?

Not sure why, but Angela Landsbury just popped into my head.

Manchurian, not "She Wrote"

Something doesn't add up.

If he WANTED to get caught, why would he remain silent at his trial?
Why surrender if you have no statement to make?
It doesn't add up.

If I was a GOP government-is-the-problem murderous handjob,
and I was rage-crazy with the federal government,
I'd have a statement to make - you can bet your ass on that.

If he wanted to hurt the government and get away, he would've shot the Trooper
and fled and hoped there were no witnesses and hoped they couldn't trace the slugs to his gun.


He was militiaboy.
He must've been aware of firearm forensics.

If I was a GOP government-is-the-problem murderous handjob,
I'd have an untraceable gun, which is about as hard to obtain as pot.

Instead, he surrendered with a loaded Glock in the seat next to him.
Something doesn't add up

Why did Mr. Nothing to Say surrender without a fight?

BartCop-ism wins in England and Iran, loses in Canada

A right-wing Canadian legislator blocked a move to bestow an honorary citizenship on Nelson Mandela
(Koresh! These racist, conservative Republicans don't even try to hide their hate since Smirk stole power.) because
he says "a full discussion is needed before bestowing it on a man who spent 30 years in prison"
for fighting the racist apartheid practices of South fucking Afirica.

Rob Anders  is the Canadian Rush Limbaugh thinkalike.

The decent, human, liberal lawmakers said they would push the measure thru before Mandela visits in September.

I've said it a hundred times, this is BartCop 101.
BartCop-ism's primary pillar is equal rights for women, blacks, gays, minorities etc.
It's 2001 and equal rights for all human beings is still a problem for conservatives.

 I understand the Tequila Twins bought Smirk a bottle of Cuervo for Father's Day.

Did you watch  on  last night?

 That's right, Linda Tripp was on Larry King.

 She was still bitching about "what Clinton did" to Monica.
 She was whining about "what Clinton did" to Monica.
 She was screaming at Bill Clinton.

 Nevermind that Monica initiated the encounters by flashing her skirt at the vulnerable president.

 She kept insisting that Monica was "21, going on 14."
 She kept saying, "Monica was just a child."

 Is that right?
 Is a woman of 21 "just a child?"

 That's funny...

 When Jenna Bush wants to get a load on, "she's an adult."
 When Jenna Bush wants to get drunker than Otis Campbell, "she's an adult."
 When Jenna Bush wants to get falling down shit-faced, "it's what all college kids do."
 When Jenna Bush wants to lose her dignity in public, "we all did that."

 After all, 21 is old enough to be drafted, the GOP "moralists" remind us.
 After all, 21 is old enough to be married, the GOP "moralists" remind us.
 After all, 21 is old enough to enter into contracts, the GOP "moralists" remind us.

 The Republicans will tell every lie to harm our last elected president, and they will tell
 every lie to excuse the behavior of the drunken, offspring tramps of the unelected Failure in Thief.

 If this wasn't a family publication, I'd tell the GOP "moralists" to go fuck themselves.


 "It's very clear that Karl Rove did not break any laws  when he met with Intel officials this week."
     -- George "Judas Maximus" Stephanopolous, providing cover for the unelected hooligans
         who stole their way into power, over the wishes of the American voters

         George, how much does a conscience cost?


Subject: Congrats on 500!!!!

Yo BC!
Congrats on 500!

I found you a few years ago (about issue 160, I think) after "Steve's Political Page"
made a mention of how funny you were.  I have never been disappointed!

I am upset when the dark forces of the universe conspire to keep you dark.
I even read all your early issues to see if you were fu from Spain last year..
I would give you a kiss, but you have Lorena and I have Mrs. Joe Tom.

Keep up the great work.

Your #1 fan from CT!
Joe Tom

PS.  Ask Bartcop:  How did you make that nutty Lenny your bitch?

I can make any Republican my bitch. I use logic.

PPS.  Thanks for the Halle Berry picture (finally)...great picture...bad movie.

I got a bunch of mail about that one picture.
I have created a small 'appreciation' page for Ms. Berry.
No nudity, but these are the best pictures ever of her.

One more...My son watches "Batman Beyond" and Angie H gets voice credits...I
think she is the new Commissioner Gordon (Batgirl).  Can you confirm??

Yes, Angie Harmon is the voice of Batgirl starting in 2000.
You'll never guess from whom she took over - Mrs Bartlet herself, Stockard Channing!


Subject: Lanny Kiedrowski

Dear Mr. Kiedrowski,

I read with interest your questioning of my friend, colleague, and employer, Mr. BartCop.
You are perhaps aware that I write a semi-regular column for
I wish to respond because I feel that I am in a unique position to put your mind at ease
regarding Mr. BartCop's attitudes concerning racial matters.

But first let me say that as an African-American man myself, I
appreciate your concern over Tiger Woods' reputation and well being.
And second, I have not been asked to write this reply.
At the time I am writing this, BartCop does not know I am doing it.
I am going to insist that he run it, though.

About your concerns: BartCop's distaste for Tiger is based purely on his politics.
This is a political site that takes positions on issues, and Tiger's position doesn't square with what this site represents.
Purely and simply. I can back this up if you'd like. Go back to the issues from December, January and February
and note the number of times it was said that we need more Democrats like the Congressional Black Caucus-ones
with spines and the courage to speak of their convictions. Notice the absence of attacks on Jesse Jackson, and the
presence of slams on Clarence Thomas. Purely political. Jesse's view fit the philosophy of this page, Clarence's don't.

It's been stated here before that the problem with Tiger is his views on some things.
You may remember he dumped on Clinton for ignoring him at the White House-before he was TIGER WOODS.

Maybe you've read some things I've written where I've been critical of these same people.
Just like Tiger, I'm not here because of my color, it's because I can do the job. I'm not the "house nigger" here.
I'm here, and Tiger's there because we can compete. (Unlike Clarence Thomas)
I am not told what to write, and not one word I've written has ever  been changed or edited.
I write whatever I want, and it all gets printed. I can write as well as most whites, and Tiger plays better than most
(or all) whites. I am accepted as a writer, not a 'black' writer and Tiger is just a man who plays golf.

Let me ask you, are you concerned because, maybe you're black too?
You never know, even with a name like Kiedrowski.
Look at me, I'm a couple of shades darker than Tiger, and my last name is Peterson.

If you are a brother, let me remind you: we have to be careful about what we accuse people of.
Sure there's racism anywhere you care to look. But just because somebody criticizes one of us who is of color,
it does not make that person a racist or bigot automatically. When there's room for doubt, we have to make sure
that we look at all the possible other reasons before we assume racism. In Tiger's case, it's the man's beliefs and attitudes,
not his skin. It's the way I, and I'm sure you yourself as a black man insist on being judged.

Does that clear it up some?
I'll tell you what-why don't you come on down to BartCop Manor some weekend as my guest and see for yourself?
There's this cook here named Pierre from France, and he'll feed you righteous. I'll have him cook us up some chitlins
and greens, and we two brothers can whoop it up in style and laugh at stupid white people.

Your brother,
isaac peterson


Subject:  Your music IQ....

Ol' Bartcop,

The site cracks me up , and is an everyday stop for me.  I think you are right on most of the time,
but when ever you write about music it seems as if highschool sophmore has hijacked your computer.

Music seems to be the only topic on which I can find people willing to debate.
The sad part is, it's all opinions...

Here's a little of what I'm talking about...

>Frank Sinatra couldn't sing on-key if he tried.

Are you serious?  Are we talking about the same Sinatra?
His pitch, phrasing and tone are killing.

ha ha
Yes, he murdered every song he sang.
Have you ever heard him sing "My Way?"

He's no Ella Fitzgerald, but damn Bart you are really talking out your ass here.

>Steve Perry was another great singer, but his band wasn't the best.

I'm assuming you mean Journey...  which was started as an instrumental prog/psychedelic band
by some badasses straight outta Santana's band.  Steve Smith's drumming is insane.
Why did you even mention Journey any way, what was your point..?

Perhaps I could've phrased that better.
I meant Perry has a singer's voice, unlike Dylan, SRV, Jagger etc.

You also wrote:

>Pink Floyd did great without a singer, and thank Koresh for Gilmore, because he was
>the only musician in that group. Waters wrote great stuff, but he's no musician.

First off when did Pink Floyd not have a singer?

I didn't mean the band was strictly instrumental,
I was pointing out that neither Gilmore nor Waters sing well.

And as far as musicianship, what about Richard Wright?  He was an amazing keyboardist.
And were you really trying to imply Roger Waters is not a musician?
Aside from the FACT that he is a killer bass player, what do think it takes to write amazing songs?
Do you think Roger Waters was just realy lucky and that he just slapped some chords together
and boom, "The Wall" was born?  Get over yourself.

There you go, getting personal when there's no need.
I'm not allowed to have an opinion?
Name for me, if you would, a Floyd song with killer keyboards or killer bass.
And don't say "everything they ever played," because that's cheating.
I have every Floyd album since Meddle, so name the tune and I'll listen to it.

"The Wall" is one of the greatest albums ever.
That doesn't mean they're great musicians.
In all this talk, I've forgotten about The Beatles.
Nobody would argue the Beatles weren't great,
but as musicians, the Beatles were very kind to their mothers.

Don't words mean things anymore?
Is Bob Dylan a great guitar player?
Is BB King?
Is Adam Sandler?

Then you said:

>SRV couldn't sing,
>Townsend can't play a guitar.

uh yeah? really barty?
More killing comentary from a thought provoking music afficianado.

You think SRV was a good singer? Compared to whom?
Words mean things.
I'll say one thing about Townsend - he sure can jump high.
And when he windmills a G chord, he's really showing his skills.

 Just out of curiosity... have you ever head the word 'Coltrane'?

 I've heard the name Coltrane, why?

 have you bought a record in the last 3 decades?

 There you go again with another personal attack.
 If you want to trade insults, let's take off the gloves and get into it.


 ...we could discuss musical opinions like gentlemen - your call.

(actually now we have "Cee Dee"s <your gonna love em>)
 do you exclusively listen to albums you used to roll joints on in the 12th grade?


 sorry could resist... just keeping ya honest Barty.

 I'll be OK...
 You have better manners than that Lanny dittomonkey.

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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