POLITICS - HUMOR - FINE TEQUILA - TRAVEL - ENTERTAINMENT
by Gene Lyons
Even as Washington pundits exult over his newfound "legitimacy,"
Bush appears to be blowing the political opportunity of a generation. With
the nation united behind him and the "religious right" weakened by the
crackpot pronouncements of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, the president
had an excellent chance to move toward the center and away from the puerile
anti-government rhetoric and save-the-millionaires economics of House
Republicans like Dick Armey and Tom de Lay. Instead, the White House
has embraced them for reasons that virtually defy rational explanation.
Hawks & Doves
by Scott Davis
Subject: Secret Service to investigate bartcop.com?
The Freepers had a link to your site which had
someone saying GWB was going to be dead
by next month or thereabouts.....Do you recall having a link on your site?
No, I sure don't
Sorry, I didn't do a copy as I thought you had
and it was late and I was ready to get horizontal.....
I archive the stuff I write,
but there's not enough alcohol in Oklahoma to make me
issue a death threat against the man some call President of the United States.
Anyway, the Freepers thought whoever had the link
on your site was threatening GWB
and sent it on to FBI, HomeLand Security, SS, etc.......
This is the first I've heard of it. I only get to the posting
boards about once a week,
so anything can happen there and I won't know about it until somebody sends me an e-mail.
It seems to be gone now, so I assume the board sysops have taken it down.
For the record, I don't want any harm to come to George W Bush.
It's kinda flattering to be smarter than the president.
BartCop: Yesterday you referred to a Zogby poll in which he expressed that Hillary could win in 2004.
She won't run. How do I know?
Because she said she'd complete her first term as Senator. Her word is bond.
Limbaugh was squealing yesterday over the "fact"
that Hillary will break her word and run for Prez in 2004.
He says it over and over again. He says it with such force and conviction that disturbed ditto-monkeys think
she's already lied. He'll get credit for being right just because he promises he'll be proven right, and he'll never
have to apologize for being wrong.
What makes it worse is that he'll get away with
accusing her 1,000 times of lying, and then when she keeps
her word, he'll say, "She saw the latest polls and realizes she can't win. She's a coward.
I TOLD YOU SO. It's just like I predicted." (even though it will be the exact opposite of what he predicted)
Then he'll do six months of "Hillary is a coward
who lied to her own supporters."
And sheep will be doing the 'wave' over Rush's brilliant prediction.
Print this. I'll mark the date, and when
Rush starts in with his, "Hillary is breaking her word and chickening
slur in February, 2004, I'll send this back to you, and we'll see how predictably pathetic the slandering PigBoy is.
Or, put another way, if Pigboy had more than one testicle, he would
archive his shows.
Every day, Rush will say, "Mark my words," and "Check my record," but there's no record to check.
Have you ever noticed how bland and cautious Pigboy or Laura the Unlaid are on TV?
It's because those shows are archived, and they're afraid they could get called on something they said.
Every stupid thing I've ever written is still there.
Every time I said something smart like "Carlos Santana plays Gibson guitars,"
those mistakes remain because I want to give the impression I'm fallible. (cough)
But Rush is a coward who can't afford to archive his words because he
changes his slurs daily.
One day, Clinton was the most left-wing wacko to ever get to Washington.
The next day Clinton has stolen every idea Newt ever came up with.
As you pointed out, he'll change his predictions and claim victory no
He's a phoney and a fraud and a goddamn liar.
Subject: Re: Booing of Hillary during the concert
I too was mortified at this. To me it was
more than obvious.
The majority of that crowd was booing Hillary.
I had called in a donation earlier, but when I saw this, I almost turned the channel.
Later, I got an e-mail saying there was a problem with my credit card--the charge didn't go
through (well, I have a huge limit on that card so the problem is on their end). Good.
This liberal says they can take their partisan bs & shove it up their compassionate conservative asses.
<Why the hell would you boo ANYONE who donates
their time and energy
to help raise money for your cause?>
Another thing, I don't care what the record says, Hillary is the senior
senator from New York.
She has more power than Chuck Schumer. They were drunk & stupid when they booed the person
who could single-handedly bring more federal dollars to New York than anyone else in America.
The cops did the opposite from Rudy.
Rudy went from Nazi pig to one of New York's biggest heroes ever.
The cops went from heroes to goats in one drunken evening.
Also, not that John Zogby (R-For Sale) can be trusted, but just yesterday
he remarked how Hillary
has avoided any kind of partisanship or self-promotion since 9/11 and had worked tirelessly to bring
money and attention to grief-stricken and war-torn New York.
And what does she get for it?
A Bronx cheer on nationwide TV.
Common Sense from Rackjite
Rebuttal on the Liberal media rant
Subject: Al Martin/Citizen can I see your ID?
after reading the extremely frightening piece by Al Martin last evening,
the 11:00 news came on. One of the reporters had gone out and done an informal poll
of people on the street to ask if they would be willing to carry a national i.d. card.
I could not believe my ears (this is, after all,
Detroit .... where a huge portion of the people
are union workers AND Democrats) ... over 65% had said yes, and the percentage went up
over 70% if carrying it were "voluntary". (Am I remembering correctly ... weren't the Jews
in Germany initially told that carrying their papers was "voluntary"?)
on earth can these people be thinking? My grandfather fought in WWI
and my father
in WWII; I'm absolutely certain that this isn't the kind of freedom they thought they were preserving.
Does no one remember the checkpoints along the
By the way ... that particular piece was way better than No-Doz
for anyone who needed to stay awake all night!
Pam, thanks for that.
I got a lot of mail asking if Al Martin is real or a kook.
Maybe our new Conspiracy Czar will investigate.
MWO does it again!
BERKE PLAGIARIZES FROM FINEMAN!!
Captain Rick Caught Stealing From Howard the Duck
Timesman Berke Has A List -- Just Like Joe McCarthy!
Berke to Rove: Arf! Arf!!
Richard "Captain" Berke has been caught red-handed plagiarizing a story
from Howard "The Duck" Fineman of Newsweek.
In a case of the bland following the blind,
Berke has published a story that recycles Fineman's smears about
how Democrats are supposedly happy that George W. Bush and not Al Gore occupies the White House.
Why is Rick Berke plagiarizing Howard the
Duck at his worst -- making Berke lower than low?
What does it take to suck up to Karl Rove these days for reporters on the White House beat?
Subject: Okay, I stuck with you. Now pay up!
Okay, I stuck around through your "kill the doves" period.
I'd better start reading what I write.
I don't even remember my "kill the doves" period.
While I'm not really a true dove, I think you
went way over the top on this.
And at times you belittled people just because you disagreed with them.
I have no reason to belittle doves. It's my intention
to belittle people who have strong opinions
but can't explain why. I think those people should take more time, get deeper into the issue about
which they have strong opinions and then get back with me for Round Two.
Adding insult to injury, one time when I e-mailed
you on this topic you wrote back
asking me to explain my position, which I did. Then you ignored my reply:
Damn rude, if you ask me.
Several times I fingered delete on my favorite places list, but each time I backed off.
Steve, I want to show you something:
See that top number in the upper left - 3819?
That's the number of unread messages I have on this mailbox on this computer.
At home, the number for the email@example.com mailbox is over 10,000 unread messages.
I don't read Dear Abby, but while on vacation I caught a column where she swore
she read each and every letter sent to her. I don't want to call her a liar, but how can
she read every piece of mail sent to her if I can't?
Koresh knows there are a hundred reasons to not
read bartcop.com but
"He's too rude to reply to my mail" shouldn't be one of them.
So I figure that you owe me one. And all
I'm going to ask you to do
is to follow up on what you keep saying you want to do anyway:
STOP BANGING ON OTHER LIBERALS WHO HAPPEN TO TAKE
A LESS MILITANT VIEW
OF THE "WAR" THEN YOU DO AND GET BACK TO BANGING ON BUSH & CO.
We don't need you to bang the war drum.
Every idiot in the press corps is doing that.
We need you to help keep the bastards honest.
Steve, I promise to make that effort.
I like liberals and I don't like the weak & stupid appointed Boy King
Hillary during the concert
Well I have tried several times to make an online
donation (after all, we're just rolling in cash thanks
to smirk's brilliant policies) but paypal seems to be on the shitz. do you have any information on this?
I know I could just mail a check, but i'd rather use the old visa.
Koresh, I hope that's what it is.
Donations have dribbled to almost nothing - I assumed it was because of my position on the war.
On another note, the clash of the titans is only
4 days away. The tension is high here in Lincoln,
with a surprising number of nebraskans voicing despair over our chances, despite being favored by one
(I heard that today-might not be true?) I work in a motel and we have been booked for weeks.
god I dread trying to drive anywhere on saturday.
So how about a friendly wager on the game?
If nebraska wins, bush is an idiot.
If oklahoma wins, he is a coke-sniffing thief.
Yes, that's a bet!
You can tell how good a gambler is by the terms of the bet.
You are a master!
I've heard that Oklahoma is the UNDERDOG in this game.
I don't know how that can be since they haven't lost since 1999
and are 8-0 against Top Ten teams with Stoops as their coach.
Bet against Oklahoma at your own peril, they say.
With the new BSC rankings out, it's #1 Oklahoma vs #2 Nebraska.
Should be one hell of a game. I heard the guys on sports radio say,
"If you want to know what college football is about, check out the OU-Nebraska game."
In Oklahoma, we hate Texas with all our hearts.
We hate Nebraska, too, but we also have to respect them.
You have a bet!
Courtesy of The Wizard of Whimsy
"The Taliban have asked me and the others
to return but we will not.
We don't want to die. You cannot fight against the Americans' technology,
It is not possible. Educated military men know that."
-- some defecting Afghan dude
Moves Toward Science and Logic on Drugs Laws
Cannabis laws set to be eased
Home Secretary David Blunkett has announced he wants the UK's laws covering cannabis
to be eased so possession will no longer be an arrestable offence - police will be more likely
to issue a warning, a caution or a court summons.
The drug would remain illegal under Mr Blunkett's
proposals but be re-classified from
a class 'B' to a class 'C' drug.
The aim is to free police to concentrate
on harder drugs
so it will "make more sense" to people on the street, he said.
You mean, concentrate on murderers and rapists & let alone the people who smoke flowers?
Get out of here!
Do you mean to tell me that I've lived so long,
I'm going to see an English-speaking country use science and logic on drugs?
This has to be a gag.
Is that you, Artie?
The invisible angles aren't going to like it, that's for sure.
The invisible angels say fun is bad, and must be avoided or you'll burn in hell.
The big shocker is that if you get caught with an illegal cigarette,
you pay $65 instead of
$500 for bond, $1000 to the lawyer, $250 in court costs, $1500 in lost work time,
having your name (and maybe a picture) in the goddamn newspaper,
...and a government is willing to give that up?
What are they, a government by and for the people over there in England?
Hey, I forget, do they get to vote there?
Or is it like here in America,
where the ruling elite appoint some dumbass relative of a former Failure in Thief?
Y'know, I'm so old, I remember when American votes counted
Yep, back in the Clinton days, Americans weren't forced to live under an appointed dictator.
Subject: Tom Harkin is my Hero
Forgot in my last dispatch to mention that Tom
Harkin just totally rocks.
Did you see him take the CDC to task today for pretty much completely fucking up their
crucial role in the ongoing anthrax crisis? He really let them have it for getting everything wrong,
for assuming (since when do scientists "assume"? Scary precedent) that anthrax spores are
somehow hermetically sealed within the confines of a cheap-ass Walmart envelope.
My heart really breaks for the postal workers,
who drudged along doing their duty while Capitol Hill ran away.
I'm so disgusted by that, I can barely type without swearing.
And don't even get me started on the Ashcroft-Planned Parenthood-Anthrax cover-up.
Jennifer the Insomniac Bartender
by Maureen Dowd She hates everybody - today it's Smirk and the C.D.C.
At Brentwood yesterday, yellow police tape blocked the entrance — tape that now signals contagion
as well as crime. No mail was being delivered, and carriers were steaming.
"Why didn't we get checked?" said Leslie
Harris. "This stuff has to move from point A to point B.
The Senate is point B. We are A. They took care of point B, but what about us? Nobody told us nothing."
But while they were mad that Capitol Police dogs got tested before they did, they were going to keep working
to defy the terrorists.
I heard on whatever station Jim Rome broadcasts, that the last
Monday Night Football game
scored the second-lowest rating in MNF history. But that's not even the bad news.
The bad news is that loser of a MNF game outdrew the Yankees winning
yet another title with the help of Mr. Steinbrenner's checkbook
I guess the viewers agree with me that anything is better than watching a tired rerun.
Greed is killing America's pasttime.
Subject: Cheney and Taxes
Bart, the issue is not a constitutional concern.
Is l'il Dick guilty of tax evasion in two states?
I don't care about the 12th amendment here.
Did he sort of live in two states without quite paying his taxes in either?
Any help here? R.S.
JB, maybe someday I'll have a legal mind on the staff, but right now all I can do is guess.
Texas has no state tax, so Cheney would want to use Texas as his residence
we all know how hard it is to pay state taxes when you only make $22 million a year.
But when Weak & Stupid needed an adult to hold his hand, they needed
an adult that Poppy Bush could
trust with the family secrets to lead poor Junior down the primrose path, so they decided on Uncle Dick,
but then there's that pesky Constitution that says the President and VP can't be from the same state.
So, like with everything the Bush
Family Evil Empire does,
they said, "Fuck the Constitution" and did what they damned well pleased.
Then had Mr Rove issue orders that the press WILL NOT mention the subject
Hey, whatever Mr Rove says is what the American whore press does.
Remember, if it doesn't involve Clinton's zipper - it can't be a crime.
Flashback to some funny mail
Subject: A Republican Prayer
Somewhere in Peoria a Republican is getting ready to go to sleep. Here is his prayer.
Thank you Lord for Rush Limbaugh, for without
him, we wouldn't know what to think.
Thank you Lord for Barbara Olson, for without her we wouldn't know how to hate the Clintons so much.
Thank you Lord for Linda Tripp for she really helped us get the dirt on
Thank you Lord for lifting Little George's approval ratings from 47% to over 90% in just one day.
Thank you Lord for Judges Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy, Rehnquist and O'Connor,
for without them Little George would never be president.
Thank you Lord for helping Little George against Bin Laden, for without your help,
I'm afraid that Bin Laden is a lot smarter and would win.
Thank you Lord for Dick Cheney, for without him Little George wouldn't know what to do.
Thank you Lord for making the economy better, because if it doesn't improve real fast,
Little George will be a one-termer like his dad.
Thank you Lord for Reverends Falwell and Robertson, for they are the only ministers
who are true born-again Christian Republicans.
Thank you Lord for helping us to prove that the Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Hindus,
and all non born-again Christians are all going to hell.
Thank you Lord for persecuting African-Americans and the gays.
Thank you Lord for listening to me, and just in case there are more than one God,
we are confident that you can beat up the other Gods.
Thank you Lord for making me a Republican.
Jim in Rochester, MI
This stuff is too creepy.
There are so many crazy things going on.
The Afghan pipeline story,
Bush's promise to invade Afghanistan last July,
The Al Martin stuff,
The billions in profit for the Bush Family Evil Empire
The hijackers stuff that doesn't add up,
We now have a Conspiracy Director - someone who can sort thru this wild stuff
RB Ham has agreed
to sort thru the conspiracy stuff and offer an opinion as to
what's real and what's a bunch of crap designed to scare people for Smirk's benefit.
A funny Julie Hiatt Steele story...
Subject: Thank you for using our picture -- Gore Majority
I want to thank you for using the photograph of
our group, the "Gore
Majority" in your August 23, 2001 issue of Bartcop.com.
We are a group of middle-aged, middle class suburbanites
in khakis who were pissed about the election
and decided to make our presence known. We never expected the publicity we received, but at the same time
were dumfounded by how the mainstream media ignored and marginalized the protesters. By publishing that picture,
you help to remind people that a majority of Americans had their vote stolen.
Please visit our website at www.goremajority.net.
We are now Majority
reflecting that our ongoing protest is not so much about Al Gore as it is
about democracy and standing up for the principle of "one man, one vote."
I will share your website with our membership
in our September newsletter.
Keep up the good work, and again, thanks!
I still haven't seen an episode of Bob Patterson, the vanity
project of Jason Alexander.
(The career-killing Kentucky Fried Chicken prostitute)
Last night, television went into reruns for some damn reason.
Frasier was a rerun, Dark Angel was a rerun, and things were slow so I suggested
to Mrs. bartCop that we have a few drinks and pull an MST on Bob Patterson.
The TV reviewer from USA Today said Bob Patterson was getting
uglier week by week.
I thought by now, it'd be ripe for some heavy sarcasm. But at 8 PM, instead of the
Bob Patterson the TV Guide says should be on, we got (presumable) a rerun of Spin City.
Has the damn Bob Patterson show already been cancelled before I had a chance to ridicule it?
I guess I should mosey over (I'm from Oklahoma) to and find out
"Lord, protect me from my friends.
I can take care of my enemies."
Subject: Gennifer Flowers' claims are a bunch of crap
If you read Gene Lyons' book, FOOLS FOR SCANDAL
(and you really should),
you can see where Mr. Lyons shreds all of Gennifer's credibility step-by-step.
For instance, those tapes she had of her conversations with then-candidate Clinton?
She sloppily edited in sexual language (her own) and those who listened to the tapes could hear
the telltale starts and stops that come from trying to punch in recordings on a cheap tape deck.
In Gennifer's book PASSION AND BETRAYAL, she fails
to mention dates and places where
they supposedly met, except to say that their first tryst was in 1979 at the Little Rock Excelsior Hotel.
The Excelsior, Mr. Lyons has explained, was not built until 1981. If we had a press corps with even
the barest trace of intellectual curiosity, that factoid would be common knowledge by now,
and the Clinton Presidency would have gone a lot more smoothly.
If the general public had known just how flimsy
the sources of all the scandalous claims against
the Clintons were, we'd be going about the obnoxious task of naming all manner of monuments
to Bill Clinton today, instead of Ronald Reagan.
McCartney on Stern
I know many (or most) of you hate Howard Stern.
Sure, I hate it when he does the fart stuff and the degrade women
but if you've watched or heard a lot of Howard Stern, you know the combination
of Stern and Robin Quivers on a reluctant guest is the best in the business.
It was a lot of fun seeing Paul in the hot seat.
He started out by saying all his friends and advisors told him not to come
but he decided he really wanted to and they immediately put him at ease.
Every time Paul said he didn't want to talk about something, Howard
would back off, then bring it up a few minutes later using different words.
They got Paul to say a lot of things that I haven't heard before.
Paul said he gave that little shit Michael Jackson the idea about obtaining publishing rights,
then Jackson turned around and bought most of the Beatles's songs.
Paul asked if he could buy them back, or at least buy some of them back, and Michael refused.
When Paul said, "Michael, we're friends, can't you help a friend out?" he said Michael's reply
was an icy "This is business," and now Jackson won't accept his calls.
Can you imagine having Paul McCartney on your "No calls" list?
But you can bet that Chimp gets thru every time...
Paul said he & John agreed way back that their songs would be 'Lennon-McCartney,'
but lately he asked Yoko if, just on one song, Yesterday, the writing credits could read
'McCartney-Lennon' and Yoko said, "No!"
Paul said he was certain John wasn't gay (there are rumors) because in the early days
they were drunker than Jenna Bush most of the time and John was always with women
Paul said they were sleeping in the same room, so he'd know if anything happened.
Howard asked Paul if he ever had a black woman and Robin answered for him,
saying "Of course he has." Paul looked a little shocked as Howard asked her to explain
how she knew that for a fact and Robin said, "He had the Ronettes," and Paul got a really
guilty look on his face and started whistling the whistle of a very guilty man.
Paul said he was busy and couldn't be at the Lennon Concert a few weeks ago, and that
Julian Lennon wasn't invited and had been cut out of John's will completely.
Paul talked about his pot bust in Japan, what it's like to have a billion dollars, how he's
raised his kids to learn the value of a dollar and lots of personal stuff like that.
It was a very informative interview, one of the best I've seen.
When Howard and Robin zero in on a subject, that subject has no chance
Like twin velociraptors, they circle their prey and attack - and I've never seen anyone interrogate
as well as those two. If Howards asks a starlet if she's ever had another woman, if she hesitates,
even for a second, they'll say, That's a yes!" and force you to defend what hasn't been said.
If Hardon Kenny had Stern and Quivers asking the questions back in 1998,
we'd probably be in the second term of the Gore Administration right now.
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
Thanks for the fumble, Dude.