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 Quotes

"'With a new national commitment, our scientists and engineers will
    overcome obstacles to taking these new hydrogen powered cars from
    laboratory to showroom.' Those obstacles? His administration."
           --Jon Stewart

 Three Stooges at the SoTU
  Thanks to Tom G for the inspiration

 I love the Three Stooges, I guess I've seen them all, but who knows?
 I remember one where the boys had just finished some wacky adventure and they found
 themselves with a handful of cash. Larry asked Moe how they were going to split the money
 and Moe said, "Fair and square, Numbskull," then double-poked him in the eye.

 So Moe has this wad of cash and he's standing between Larry and Curly.
 "There's one for you," he said, giving Larry a bill.
 "There's one for me," he said, giving himself a bill.
 "There's one for you," he said, giving Curly a bill.
 "There's one for me,"he said, giving himself a bill.
 "There's one for you," he said, giving Larry a bill.
 "There's one for me," he said, giving himself a bill.
 "There's one for you," he said, giving Curly a bill.
 "There's one for me," he said, giving himself a bill.

 Larry caught on and said, "Hey, you're cheating, you're getting twice as much,"
 which didn't accomplish anything besides Larry getting another double-poke in the eye.
 Note: Curly didn't say anything - Larry was always smarter...

 That's what I saw happen at the State of the Union debacle.
 Bush said, "Ninety million families will get $1084 each under this program."

 Fine - call that $100 billion dollars.
 But Bush's program is for what, $700 billion dollars?
 Bush is bribing the little people with a measly $1000, while giving tens of billions to BIG oil
 and BIG cancer and BIG rifle and anyone else who'll contribute big bucks to his crooked ass.

 He's giving most of America just one seventh of the pie
 and he's giving six sevenths of the pie to his billionaire buddies.

 Son of a bitch!
 Moe only kept 50 percent, Bush is grabbing 84 percent.

 We can get a better deal from Moe than we can the Illegal Usurper!

 Moral of the Story:
 Don't be like Curly and accept what the illegal fraud offers you as "your share."
 Be like Larry, demand your fair share, but remember to make your right hand stiff
 like a vertical salute and put it over your nose to block Bush's double-poke in the eye.

 Quotes

"President Bush did a magnificent job in terms of style tonight.
  I thought he was really on message. I thought he was very focused...
  He did a good job selling himself, which is really what this is."
    --Alan Colmes, wondering why he's considered a sell-out wimp
 

 Alan, how many kids you have at Harvard?
 

"Whatever Fox is paying Alan, it's not enough.
  Colmes does a better job of selling the Right than Hannity."
    --The Hamster, thehamster.com

 Dennis Miller on Leno
  Like a SUV rollover in the rain, I couldn't look away

  Click  Here

  Excerpt:
 Dennis Miller (R-makesRushlooklikeAlanAlda) spewed his hate at the liberals last night.
 Somehow, he thinks he can make Nazi hate funny, ...but then, ...I guess Limbaugh did - for some.

 Jimmy Kimmel's First Show

 We didn't get it heere.
 The religious K-Draggers decided it was an "immoral show,"
 and therefore too dangerous for us Tulsans to see.

 Was it as good as everyone days?
 ABC announced they would no longer "liquor up the crowd,"
 
 ha ha

 I'd kinda like to see that first show...
 

 The Sopranos
  No more excuses

 Starting this Sunday night, HBO is running The Sopranos from Day One.
 If I read it right, they're going to play every episode, in order, no pre-empts,
 no basketball games, no "Breaking News" from Crawford that Smirk had pancakes,
 no repeats, no nothing - nothing but the best GDTV show that's ever been produced.

 You've heard complaints about The Sopranos?
 The biggst complain you'll ever hear is from a real Sopranos fan

 Here's the deal:
 The first season (which starts Sunday) was such an enormous breakthru, it was unheard-of,
 never-done before, you-can't-do-that-on-TV, Oh-My-God original, people got used to it.
 By all accounts, seasons 2, 3 and 4 were A- or B+, but that's only compared to Season One,
 (which starts Sunday).   It was A+ all the way, and it set the new standard for television.

 It's part Godfather, part West Wing, part Pulp Fiction, with Blazng Saddles humor.
 It's the best drama on TV, and it's the best comedy on TV.
 How'd they do that?

 So don't do me a favor and watch it, do yourself the favor.
 To this day, this group of shows holds the record as "Best ever."

 Don't make me have to whack you.

 The Nude Shooting In Tulsa

  Click  Here

  Excerpt:
"After being struck by the car, the good samaritan, who was armed at that time
 it appeared the suspect in the car was trying to back over him. At some point,
 he (not the suspect) fired shots into the back of the car, hitting the suspect,
 who is now deceased,"  said Sergeant Eric Dalgleish.

 Quotes

"America has been taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy,
  Keystone Cops-style coup d'etat imaginable. And those now in charge of
  the federal government are upper-crust C-students who know no history
  or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka "Christians..."
       -- Kurt Vonnegut

 Susan McDougal west coast schedule

 Note: I don't know why she wasn't on Larry King last night.
           They didn't even have the decency to say why.
           I will contact her book publisher and see if another date has been set.

    Events:
 Dutton's Books of Brentwood, Los Angeles, February, 4, 7:00 PM
 Barnes & Noble Los Angeles on Grove Street, February 6, 7:30 PM
 Borders San Francisco in Union Square, February 8, 4:00 PM
 Barnes & Noble in Emeryville (in the East Bay), February, 10, 7:00 PM
 Borders Seattle on Fourth Avenue, February 12, 2003, 12:30 PM
 Elliott Bay Books in Seattle on South Main Street, February 12, 2003, 5:30 PM

 Subject: Rosie Perez's Bush

 Rosie Perez was on a talk show the other night. She's in a NYC play or something
 and lost her dressing gown on stage or some such thing. (It was a boring show)
 Anyway, she was beeped everytime she said "bush" as it related to her pubic hair

 So, being the attentive BartCop deputy, I think, "Wouldn't it be great if everytime
 someone said "President Bush" it'd be "President BEEP". But no one would get it
 because they didn't watch Rosie.  So what if we called him "President Pubic Hair"?

 GeeDubya Pubic Hair.

 HH
 

 HH, that reminds me of the 2000 GOP Iowa Caucus.
 Governor Pubic Hair had a giant, air-conditioned tent with free food and none of the other
 candidates had diddly-squat, but inside the tent, CNN showed some cheap-ass Texas band
 playing the ZZ Top song, "Tush," but they changed the words.

 "Oh Lord, take me downtown,
  I'm just looking for some Bush."

 More TV stuff

 Sunday, after The Sopranos, you have your choice between the Kingpin mini-series on NBC
 and Dragnet on ABC, following Alias, which somehow blew it's SuperBowl bump.
 (I thought Jennifer Garner in her red lingerie was riviting TV.)

 Me?
 I'm going with Kingpin.
 I like Ed O'Niell, I've liked him since he shot himself on the first serious Miami Vice
 But they say this Kingpin rocks.
 It's a Mexican Sopranos with some Shield realism - it can't miss.

 The bastards - they give is CRAP reruns for weeks and weeks, then put on the two best new shows
 opposite each other.    Is that what competition is about?     Killing the second-best new show?

 Quotes

"The illegal we do immediately.
  The unconstitutional takes a little longer."
   --Henry Kissinger, New York Times, Oct. 28, 1973
 

 Hank was child's play compared to what the B.F.E.E. is doing to us now.

 Sting & Gwen
   by His Rudeness, Sir Rich

  Click  Here

  Excerpt:
 (Warning: Too rude and crude for an excerpt)

 Quotes

"Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress,
  distinguished citizens ...and fellow citizens."
     -- Dubya, screwing up in the first sentence of his SoTU

 The Afghan Quarterback

  Click  Here

 Drudge, paradigm of truth, GOP contributor

  Click  Here

  Click  Here

  Excerpt:
 In what way is that statement germane to the review of the book?
 That would be akin to saying, "I hated 'In Cold Blood' because Truman Capote was gay."

Hey Bart,

I want to start an anti-Bush regime website like yours. Do you have any recommendations?
I live in the bay area, and I'm sure I'll be able to pull togethor a team of people to work with me on this.
I'm sure the hardest job for me will be to keep the far far far "far out" left wing nuts who reside here
from making us look like brainless idiots.

Regards,
Rob
 

Top Ten Components of a Fun Web Page

1. Don't do a page like mine - do a page like yours.
    Be yourself, and be honest even when they disagree.
    Don't write anything because they want to hear it.
    If you think you're right, stand up and fight.

2. Have fun doing it - don't make it work or you'll burn out.
   (That probably should've been #1, cause you're dead without it.)

3. Put something new up every day. If people click and see something old,
    they might not ever click again. You gotta give them something each day

4. Bush will write your material for you. Just follow that sick bastard and
    write about every disgusting thought that he causes to come into your mind.

5. Keep things short. Only the smart people like 3,000 word dissertations
    and there aren't that many smart people out there.

6. Lots of toons. People looooove the toons. Some people go thru the whole issue
    looking just at the toons, then they go back and read all the junk.

7. Always remember - we are right and they are wrong.

8. Don't take yourself too seriously. If they say something good about you, don't believe them.
    Say "Aw, shucks," and go on.

9. Steal a lot - that's how I got started.

10. Let your passions hang out.
     Chinaco, Garbage, Vegas, SF Chocolate, Fresh corn, The Sopranos,
     Tell people what makes you tick, because it probably makes them tick, too.

Bonus Component

11. Welcome the Monkey Mail - it's the funnest part of doing this.

There's more, but I have to get today's page out.

Good luck, Dude, and lemme know when you get going - I'll give you some freebie plugs.

bart

 Quotes

"He promised an economy "that grows fast enough to employ every man and woman
 who seeks a job." He proposed a prescription drug benefit for some retirees. And he
 said he was ready to commit $1.2 billion to research into environmentally friendly
 hydrogen-powered automobiles. But those were largely bait-and-switch proposals
 ...there was absolutely zero help offered to the states and local governments whose
 budgetary knees are buckling under the weight of their worst fiscal crisis since WWII.
 These are telling indications of the real state of the union."
    --Bob Herbert, Bait and Switch, nywtimes.com

 Tiger Woo   Won't Rush His Return to Tour
 
  Click  Here

  Excerpt:
 Tiger Woo  hopes to make his 2003 debut at the Buick Invitational in San Diego
 in February, but he will not make a decision until next week.

 Woods, the world's No. 1 player, is recovering from surgery in December to remove
 benign cysts and fluid from his left knee. He said yesterday that the knee was pain free
 but that he remained uncertain how his knee would react to rigorous practice.

 
 The Whore Times - they can't get anything right.
 Tiger's problem isn't his knee - it's The BartCop Hex!
 Remember, Tiger, I'm putting you on a two-wins a year maximum until you apologize
 to Bill Clinton and donate a million dollars to the United Negro College Fund.

 Until you do that, you're going to be Tiger Kneecyst.
 

 That BartCop Hex is some powerful stuff.
  
 I got mine right after that pretzel kicked my ass
 and nothing's gone right for me since.

 I just figured it out

 Every time Laura the Unloved screams at some woman on the phone,
 she's actually screaming at her recently deceased mother. That explains everything.
 
 This "martyr yourself for your kids like a grizzly bear" is her way of striking back
 at the women who didn't sacrifice for poor little Laura.  That's why she's so unloved.
 That's why she grew up to be the shrillest harpy in America.

 It's my guess she was sexually molested by her father, because whenever a caller
 says he/she was molested, Laura's first question is "Where was Mom?"
 I've heard her say (unbelievably) that the mother is more responsible than
 the father when the father is raping the daughters and mom does nothing.

 You'd think someone in her position might've taken psychiatry or phychology to help
 get a handle on the demons that have tortured her into being the never-ending fishwife shrew
 she has become, but instead, the "doctor" took some classes in physiology.

 Maybe masquerading as a real doctor gives her some measure of self-asteem that
 she was unable to get from her non-grizzly mom and sexually abusive father.

 Of course, that's just a guess...
 

 Is  bartcop.com  worth $5 a month?

 They own the TV networks, the major papers and talk radio.
 The Internet Resistance is all we have.

 Click  Here   to get BartCop Radio sooner rather than later

 Quotes

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is
  about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion,
  English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious
  and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." 
    --James D. Nicoll

 Have a job opening?   Need a job?

  Over 30 resumes, but since we're under illegal occupation, nobody is hiring.

  Visit the resume page

  Click  Here  to e-mail your resume to Ed.
  Send him whatever details you want published.

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 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had  everything.

 Copyright © 2003, bartcop.com
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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