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Evil is real
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New to BartCop?
"It wouldn't matter a jot if Christina
Aguileria claimed she loved Garbage.
I'd still think she was a horrid little squirt."
-- Shirley Manson, ...after my heart.
Candidate Smirk: "When you total
up all the federal spending he
[Al Gore] wants to do, there's just not going to be enough money.
President Smirk: "My budget will run a
Weak, stupid and crooked, that's our unelected president
Report: Bush Decides to Oust Saddam
President Bush has decided to oust Saddam
Hussein with Bill Clinton's military.
"My Daddy wasn't able to get the job done with the military he
inherited from Ronald Reagan,, but I have the distinct advantage
of being able to use Clinton's military so this operation is a go!"
Subject: The axis of evil
I think I've finally found something I can support
I know you find that hard to believe.
But I think he really should relentlessly try to find the "axis of evil".
And, when he finds it, ...he should sit on it
Good one from Tequila Pam!
Must get Stoned
By Ted Rall
Judge Ahamat Ullha Zarif, a leading Northern Alliance jurist, described justice
in the kinder, gentler Afghanistan bought and paid for by you, the American taxpayer:
"There will be some changes from the time
of the Taliban," Zarif announced.
"For example, the Taliban used to hang the victim's body in public for four days.
We will only hang the body for a short time, say 15 minutes."
Just in case you have a brain tumor,
and you missed the rotating and the flashing you should check
Michele is starting a new
"Celebrity Recipes" section,
and she started at the top of the food chain, so to speak.
Click Here for today's special bartcop.com bonus issue!
but brand-new extra-good stuff that won't fit on the page
because today's bartcop.com is just too hueueueueuge.
Oh, if only we had a budget, we could triple the output!
If I wasn't tethered to this day job, we'd make the other political
comedy pages eat our dust.
If we had a staff like Modern Humorist or The Onion, we'd blow the roof off the Internet.
Have you heard the latest on those crooked Olympic judges?
Rumors are most of them are from Houston.
Better check out to be sure.
Has Julie Hiatt Steele called you?
Julie is phoning selected people who have written or contributed.
I tried to call her last night and her phone was busy.
I'll bet she was speaking with a new friend.
If Julie calls you, could you send me a short e-mail?
I don't need to know what you talked about, I just think it would
to see if your reaction to speaking with her is similar to my first reaction.
When you talk to Julie, you need to listen fast.
She's a bundle of energy and she
gives off more sparks than Smirk's car when he's driving drunk and loses a tire.
To write to Julie, use email@example.com
To PayPal Julie, Click Here ->
...and if you hear from her, me.
Cliff has his own page up.
Subject: I respectfully disagree with you on verbal prayer
Bart, you do a fine job in general, but I have
to respond to your take on this one.
The AP article didn't say that she was shouting or otherwise being truly disruptive
in the manner of her prayer; if she wasn't, then her First Amendment right to thank
a non-existent deity for the food "he" (as opposed to the taxpayers) provided should
have been respected by the school. See Tinker v. Des Moines Independent School
District (right of high school students to wear armbands to protest Vietnam War).
Speech regulations of private actors must be content
neutral. If she is allowed to talk
to her tablemates, she should be able to talk to her imaginary friend. Her right to
profess her belief that her deity exists must be protected as much as her right to
proclaim to her classmates that Shrub is an idiot.
But John, the other kids are FORCED to listen to that superstitious
Would you want your kid to hear that Mexico is north of Detriot?
Would you want your kid to hear Miami is the capital of Florida?
No, you want your kids to hear the truth when they're at school, right?
If you want your kid to grow up funny, you can always send them to Catholic school.
That way, when they grow up, they'll either torch churches or write a comedy web page.
Kids don't have a choice about attending school.
If they don't go to school, a truant officer, perhaps with a gun,
could come to their home and arrest the parents for allowing truancy.
That means the state is FORCING those kids to hear prayers.
But the real point of the article was that the kid COULD pray silently,
but that's no fun,
because you can't put on a big, elaborate production and appear holier-than-thou if nobody
knows that you're praying - so you pray out loud to gin up some attention for yourself!
That's what this crap is about - a publicity stunt for the "one, true Ghost."
Religious insanity should be fought at every opportunity.
Subject: Julie Hiatt Steele
I'm not really a fan mail letter writer, but at
your suggestion did drop a short e-mail
to Ms. Steele telling her that there are a lot of old farts like myself, who are not at all
computer literate, who would love to send a note of encouragement to her if only they
had the means. The point being, she has a lot more support than she realizes.
Well, true to your word, she did in fact reply with a very nice personal message.
Imagine, this lady who stood up single handedly
to Kenneth Starr and his
merry band of hypocrites to protect our rights, thanked me!
I completely understand your awe of this special lady.
Doug, if class were dollars, Julie would be Bill Gates.
It's wise to keep him in short sentences.
weeks are underway
That means it's fund-raising time here at bartcop.com
We're supported by impoverished Democrats.
Attention: Fund Raising Effort!
Ken Lay is selling one of his Acapulco condos.
If every reader would send me $1200, I could buy one.
It's only $2.6M - can you help?
I've been busting my hump for six-plus years, trying to stop the
evils of Republican fascism,
so the least you could do is send me $1200 so I can get one of Kenny Boy's Acapulco condos
that he bought with the life savings of those 4500 Enron families.
...and I write much funnier stuff with salt in my lungs.
PayPal to firstname.lastname@example.org
snail mail to POBox 54466.... Tulsa,OK 74155
Tales of Tinseltown Terror
by the Secret Hollywood Source
Uh, ...Mr. Secret Hollywood Source, this is my last one, and they've
all been killer.
Do you have some more?
Subject: Terrorists Friends: The Clintons
"The fact is President Clinton and his wife
openly welcomed and embraced militant
Islamic groups to the White House routinely for five years. It was really a scandal."
- Stephen Emerson, terrorism expert and author of American Jihad
The Clintons never met a terrorist organization they did not like and did not support.
Charles I. Anderson
I have two words for you: Horse and shit.
The Bush Family Evil Empire has done business with Hitler, Islamic Jihad, Noriega, Saddam and bin Laden, and others.
We know they've committed countless other crimes, because they've refused
the records of the Reagan years and Smirk Daddy pardoned many guilty co-conspirators.
I notice the accusation includes the word "openly."
Funny, you'll never see that word associated with the Reagan/Bush crimes.
They do all their crimes under the cloak of "national security."
If Clinton brought groups to the White House, it was certainly an OFFICIAL
to confront that which the GOP claims he was too disinterested to confront - terrorism.
You can pretend all day long, but history and the facts are calling you both liars.
Tell Emerson I'll meet him in any chat room on the internet.
Let's see what he can back up.
I don't like your tone.
Why would you hide behind this Emerson fraud?
Anytime you feel froggy - just croak.
Don't Lie, Bushes Do
by Al Martin
Deconstructing the National Debt means understanding the difference between GAAP
(Generally Accepted Accounting Principles) and BFAP (Bush Fantasyland Accounting Principles).
Otherwise known as the "Enroning" of America.
Would it be a good idea for some kind soul to mirror bartcop.com
so the people who are locked out can read, too?
Tally Briggs says she can't read "nothin,
no-how," (I didn't know she was from Texas...)
about bartcop.com from her fancy, high-paying job, but if someone were to copy the page
each day I guess she could. Is that a good idea?
If you can help with this, copy this page and send me your link
but don't put "bartcop" in the title, cause that'll alert Herr Ashcroft.
It's only February, ...but are we looking at ...Letter of the year?
Hello, could you gather a list of George Bush
juniors criminal record, both public and not so public.
or refer me to a site that has such a list?
No, I can't!
It's not legal to ask about
the illegal president's felony record.
There's not one site on the entire internet
that lists the crimes Smirk
has pleaded guilty to. You see, that's none of our goddamn business!
Bush has admitted to being arrested three times, but when asked
if three was the total number of arrests,
Karen Hughes jumped in with "This interview is over!"
The felony record of the Scalia-appointed King is NOT our business.
Clinton's penis - that is our business.
We should be looking into Hillary's panty drawer, but not the billion
dollar pipeline deals
Bush tried to force down the throat of the Taliban which may've caused the New York attacks.
That's why Bush doesn't want congress to investigate 9-11.
So the answer is no, Joe.
On the internet you can find anything BUT a list of the felonies that
Snotty and Stupid
pled guilty to before he was appointed to rule his unwilling subjects.
by Merritt Awbrey
young and in love
only one thing is important....
Sheen's Pre-Nup: $4 Million Penalty If He Cheats ha
I'd like to get in on some of that.
Electric Amish, Clark Gable, Waylon Jennings tribute,
Barbara Bush seen in public - sober!
Chandler Bing dating Ally McBeal? What? Courtney's not skinny enough?
Marv Albert seen in public - and did not bite any women!
Who has Heather Graham's eyes, Heather Locklear's nose,
Halle Berry's cheeks, Denise Richards' lips and Britney Spears' body?
Murdoch (R-Nastyass) loses $600M on lies told by
Happy Birthday to...
Mardi Jacquet is 46 Natalia Sokolova is 30
Also born today: Matt Groening (1954) applause,
Ed "The Chief" Platt (1916)
Fascist breeder Mrs. Brady (1934) wants to have Ken Starr's love child,
Alan Parker (1944) directed the Pink Floyd movie,
Jack Benny (1894) was a giant! On Tuesdays, Kelsey Grammer does his Jack Benny
impression for $1.7M. I wonder if Jack Benny made $1.7M his entire career?
Axis of No Access
by Maureen Dowd who's dating Aaron Sorkin - hates everybody, today's it's Unka Dick
The vice president does give up some information. He has been happy to fill in reporters
on how amazing the Bush team was on 9/11 and after. And the Bush administration authorized
the release to Congress of thousands of e-mails by Clinton officials, including ones sent to Al Gore.
But he prefers to operate under deep cover.
The Bushes' attitude toward disclosure is embodied
in Mr. Cheney: We know best. Leave it to us. In their view, the American public has been cleared
for very little information about the American government.
True or False?
Hatch, Orrin. Deeply closeted gay male, grew up in chicken
has a penchant for leather & rent-boys.
eye finally quit twitching.
...I ain't a-scared of no damn BartCop Hex.
...ain't so such thing as no damn BartCop Hex.
Unka Dick said it was just a bunch of hooey!
on Thee, Smirk!
goes my eye again.
Unka Dick! Unka Dick!
Make BartCop stop scaring me!!
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It had everything.
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Shirley contact bartcop.com