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 July 2, 2001.  ..... .....  ...Advertise on    .......... .......SPORTS..  ..........  ..Did you hear it?
  win a Webby Award.  Click  Here

 Note: Christian Livemore in on vacation, so the mail won't be read until July 7th.
  So if you have some important mail, maybe send it to her and the regular
  And always, if you have business to discuss, or if you're some slimy lawyer who wants a piece of me in court, ha ha
  or if you're my good friend Ben Affleck getting back to me on an important matter, use

 Coming soon - The Bart-Phone

 I just heard a guy on CBS say, "Dick Cheney has become one of
 the most important and influential Vice Presidents in American history."

 Now, who can argue with that?

 In my lifetime, there's never been a more important Vp, because we've
 never had a president as weak and stupid as President Weak & Stupid.

 Yes, we all agree that Cheney is horribly important to our young president.

The Smirk n Dick flag

 What do backers of Thomas say now?
     By Ellen Goodman, 7/1/2001

  Click  Here

 The whole country, glued to the television, seemed to divide into right and left or male and female asking:
 Who was the victim and who was the liar? Was Thomas subject to ''a high-tech lynching''?
 Was Hill the target of a White House smear campaign?

 I'd like to see Professor Hill sue Bush daddy and Slappy both for defamation.
 She wasn't a public figure.  She didn't want to testify.
 She was asked by the FNBI to tell the truth and she did.

 So the "kinder, gentler" Bushes made her into a nut and a slut.

 ...and this is the man who raised our Failure in Thief?

From: (withheld)

Subject: History made on C-Span

Good day BC!

I saw you on C-Span  I wanted you to know that you provided me with something I NEVER thought I'd hear/see.
Someone on INTERNATIONAL television saying that the Resident Select ISN'T QUALIFIED!!!
I believe you made history BC.

I could be wrong, but I don't EVER remember anyone, EVER, saying that about ANY current President on television,
let alone someone actually saying that about the moron residing in the White House presently!!!
Excellent job BC.  If only the Dems on the Hill could locate some of your balls.

As always, a fan,

 Elvis has Entered the Building
  by Max Brantley

 Click  Here


 Citizen Bill Clinton was back in Arkansas last week and the crowds that
 greeted him couldn't have been happier if Elvis had returned from the dead.

 For more than an hour, Clinton displayed the skills that carried him from a small
 Arkansas town to the world's most prominent office. It was like going to an Old Timers'
 baseball game and seeing Nolan Ryan could still chunk a 100-mph fastball.

  Tamara Baker, kicking Bush butt over at AMPOL

 Remember Jeffrey Archer
  Why Bush Backer Munk's Vicious Attempts to Suppress
   a Story He Doesn't Like Are Doomed to Backfire
   By Tamara Baker

  Click  Here

 It's not been a very good year for right-wing goons who use thuggish tactics
 to intimidate those who would talk about the goons' crimes.

 This is something that Barrick Gold Mining's Peter Munk, who is even now using Britain's
 conspicuous lack of a First Amendment, and the prospect of a long and expensive legal battle,
 to try to force Gregory Palast and Palast's Guardian/Observer newspaper into disavowing a
 story of Palast's, entitled "The Best Democracy Money Can Buy" --  by calling it "libelous",
 under Britain's infamously archaic libel laws.

 Guess who reads  Barbara Olson!

Yes, Barbara Olson, wife of Ted, saw how Ann Coulter got free french fries for life,
 so she ran down to her local McDonald's and signed up for the program.

 Ronald was heard to groan, "Ann has more experience, but Barbara puts more into it."

 Bush & Cheney Fleecing their own
  by Bob Novak

 WASHINGTON -- Republicans who paid $2,500 per plate to attend the Congressional Dinner at the
 DC Convention Center Wednesday night were miffed because Smirk n Dick did not eat but did run.

 That followed a pattern set by the new president and vice president. At nearly all luncheons and dinners,
 they speak before the meal is served and then leave without eating. Lobbyists and others who paid top dollar
 for Wednesday's dinner grumbled that if they must sit through the whole proceeding, Bush and Cheney should, too.

 The Bush-Cheney example of don't eat-do run is being followed by Bush Cabinet members, too,
 especially Attorney General John Ashcroft

From: Rude Rich in NY

Subject: Stop already

You wrote:

>BTW, have you met Mac, Jeff and Peter?
>You guys should get together for some cookies and lemonade.

 Will you stop introducing these fruitcakes to each other?
 It's like holding a mixer for kid touchers near a grade school.

 ha ha

 "Kid touchers," that's funny.
 Good one from Rude Rich!

 FAIR Calls Fox News Channel Unbalanced
 Another Shocker - water is wet!

 Click  Here

"Fox portrays itself as fair and balanced, as straight news," said Steve Rendall, a FAIR senior analyst.
"It's media consumer fraud."

From: Lanny the Nut


Subject: C-SPAN Mention

Hey BartPoop,

What the hell does C-Span mean by calling you the left-wing version of PipeBomb?
Are you some mad bomber, too, in your spare time?

You said you had a lot of free time on your hands, but that is only because
you get welfare for your mental disability and your ADD condition.

So you spend that free time being a political jerk.
What a waste of taxpayer money.
I am going to let the Bush Administration know what you are up to
and see if they can stop your welfare payments, you hog at the trough.

Does PipeBomb mean you blew up a building like McVeigh?

Lanny Kiedrowski
Wondering What The Hell They Will Spend Tax Money on Next

Lanny, I see you got your mail privileges back - good for you.
Remember, never give up. You'll be out again in no time.
I'm sorry, you misunderstood what George said.

He said, "We're going to feature two web sites from opposite ends of
the political spectrum, and the first one up is"*

(*previously misidentified - regrets the error)

He meant on your side we have the crazed pipebomb crowd, and on the other side
we have that shining example of intellectual excellence,

Perhaps the other patients were making noise and you couldn't hear clearly...

 Condit Corner

 I read a quote from Gary Condit (D-Laterratherthansooner) that was suspicious:

"I decline to comment on the extent of our relationship. To do so
  would be disrespectful to Levy until the mystery of her disappearance is solved."


 I'm not going to talk until you find her body, which is never.

 Condit Plus

 Click  Here


 Subject: Victicrates?


 Check that one out in the Oxford English Dictionary - nothing.
 As you no doubt guessed Matthews is attempting a neologism and a not so clever one at that.

 victi = victim

 crates = Democrat(s)

 I predict you'll see it used by the freeps and wingies for awhile.
 If he comes back for round two, if you would, ask him for me if the guy who got bumped off
 the Texas ANG waiting list to make room for Smirky might not have a right to feel a tad "victicrated"
 (providing he's still alive and not a name on the Wall).


 Cheney Question

 Dick Cheney made $22 million last year.
 These days, he seems to be in very bad health.

 He's not sticking around to help the poor.
 He's not sticking around to balance the budget.
 He's not sticking around to pay off the national debt.
 He's not sticking around to heal the race problems in America.

 He wants more money!
 He wants the oil barons to have higher profits and he wants his tax cut.

 Get that - more than his health, he wants a tax cut.

 Why does a very, very, very wealthy man with a bad heart want to hurry back to the office
 Monday morning to an extremely stressful job where he'll be attacked by the left and the right?

 I think he's got that same disease Bill Gates and Rush Limbaugh have:
 They all have more money than they could ever possibly spend,
 but they gotta have more, more, more, more, more, more, more.

 As poor as his health is, why doesn't he retire and relax?
 Why doesn't Cheney want to spend more time with his wif...



Subject: in general

After reviewing this site, I can sum it up by a couple of adages which is
all the grey matter it deserves:  A lot of heat, not much light and Full of
Sound and Fury and signifying nothing.  I suggest you rename it

Bob Davison

Bob, thanks for the tip, but and all the good ones were taken.
All they had left was  so I had no choice. It chose me.

Flashback from Volume 177 - Sleazebag Smirk

Deryeskshe Hendrix

Today's Laura hate show opened with the "news" that her little angel Deryeskshe
has become "a full-blown Hendrix freak," so she bought him a guitar.
Trust me - that kid's on drugs.

You don't start out with Hendrix.
You start with "Up With People."
Then you move on "up" to Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears.
Then you move further into Mariah Carey and the Spice Girls.
As time time goes by, you graduate to Def Leppard and clean 'n sober Aerosmith.
By the time you get to Hendrix, you're a heroin addict.

Remember, Harpy Laura said she keeps two guns in the house now.
I wonder if Deryeskshe is a Nirvana fan?


 This weekend, we rented Rush Hour starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.
 There are two sound clips I wanted to share with you.

 The first one backs up a point I've been making the last week or so,
 the second one is going to get me in a lot of trouble.

 The Paula Poundstone arrest,

 She's not my favorite.
 I've seen her work, quite a bit, in fact, she's just not my favorite.
 Seems like she's a liberal (aren't all good comics?) but, like Ellen Degeneres,
 if I don't think she's funny, I can't just pretend to like her because she's a liberal.

  Sidebar within a Sidebar: (These are very rare)
 Years ago, the biggest fan I had at the time dumped me.
 I remember the week because it was Issue #94, in May on 1998.
 It was "Outside, it's America," a Vegas trip report where I said,
 "Ellen Degeneres isn't funny and I'm no fan of Barbara Streisand, either."

 She sent me an e-mail that said something like "Go fuck yourself,"
 and I never heard from her again. Trust me, this was no ordinary fan.
 She did more to build  than anyone this side of Marc Perkel.
 I got dozens of e-mails saying "Rose said you were the best, and we agree."
 But that mention of Ellen and/or Streisand blew the entire relationship. I think maybe
 she was gay, which is fine, but Koresh, after 93 issues I had no capital with her at all?
 I never heard from her again - that's kinda sad.
 Course, I lost a big fan recently when I said John Wayne couldn't act.

 So, if you're a big fan of  and you looooove Paula Poundstone,
 just take it like a man because we can't all agree on every artist, y'know?

 ...back to Sidebar One:

 I did a thing on the Paula Poundstone arrest, saying I'm glad the LA cops have time
 to make a sensational media bust on a sensational child-sex arrest, while the murderers
 of Tupac and Biggie Smalls (also not my favorites, but it's fucking murder) are possibly
 still drawing a paycheck from the Los Angeles police department.

 Ok, so if you saw Rush Hour, you probably know what this first clip is.
 Chris Tucker wasn't my favorite, and still isn't, but I sure like him a lot more after
 seeing Rush Hour than I did watching him play "Beaumont" in Jackie Brown.
 But he sure nailed the LA cops and their reputation.

 Click  Here  to hear the first funny clip from Rush Hour.
 (very short - 148 K)

 The second clip is big trouble, but only with small people without a sense of humor.

 Click  Here  to hear the second, and damn funny, clip from Rush Hour.
 (also short, 378K)

 It involves the "N" word.
 Aw, what the hell, let's say it.
 The word is nigger.

 I'm sorry, but I think nigger is a funny word.
 I can't help it.

 Richard Pryor was the first monster comedy hero I ever had.
 To me, Pryor is the beginning of real comedy.
 Sure, Rodney Dangerfield was once funny as hell, (believe it or not)
 and George Carlin has always been great, but he stays away from race jokes.
 I think as long a race relations are a problem, race jokes can heal.

 Besides Richard, Eddie Murphy once ruled the comedy world, believe it or not.
 Then, obviously, Chris Rock took the crown and still has it,
 even if Pooty Tang only got half a star from most critics this weekend.

 But what Richard, Eddie and Chris all had in common was not just their color,
 it was their treatment of the word nigger. They made it funny.
 They took the most hated word in America and brought in onstage.
 Like most or all people, I was once a racist, sorta.

 When I was a kid, in the early sixties, nigger was a pretty common word.
 If you saw two black guys walking down the street, they were two niggers.
 To a kid, it's just a word - like shoe.

 Now before you send off that fiery e-mail that says, "I always knew you were racist,"
 put it in the context of the subject, which is the movie Rush Hour, starring Chris Tucker.

 If you saw that movie, I think you'd admit when Jackie Chan asks the black bartender, "Wassup?"
 what carried that scene was the fact that he's from Hong Kong. Chris Tucker just finished telling him,
 "Follow my lead, do what I do," so Chan innocently did what he was told, and hilarity ensued.
 It was the funniest minute of the whole film.

 The point I'm trying to make (mild applause) is that obviously the word itself isn't the problem.
 If Magic Johnson was watching Michael Jordan in 1996 and said, "Koresh, that nigga can fly,"
 it's meant as a friendly term of endearment, just as "Wassup, my nigga," was in Rush Hour.

 (And don't write to tell me that word is offensive to blacks.
  What am I, from Hong Kong?
  I'm about to address that, so hold on and keep reading.)

 Remember Pulp Fiction, probably the best film of all time in my book, even better than
 both Godfathers and Blazing Saddles (which also had some GREAT race jokes,
 "Sorry about the up yours, nigger""  but Pulp Fiction is probably where Tucker stole that line...

 We watched Animal House Saturday on NBC.
 They had great race jokes in Animal House.
 "Do you mind if we dance wif your dates?"
 How you gonna blame me if Animal House was funny?

 ...and if I had more balls, we'd get into DNS from Pulp Fiction.
 Aw, what the hell.
 Probably the funniest part of that great, great film was when Quentin Tarentino asked Sam Jackson
 if he saw a sign that said, "Dead Nigger Storage" when he drove up with the dead black guy.
 Quentin politely explains to Jackson that the reason he didn't see that sign when he pulled in was,
 "because storing dead niggers ain't my fucking business, that's why."

 If that didn't make you laugh, you probably won't enjoy
 Tarantino, bullying the black, maddog killer with a race joke...

 But back to the point, if Pryor or Murphy or Rock or Belushi or Tarantino or  ...and this is not
 to be taken as flattery, but if Ol' BartCop uses that word, it's cool, you know what I mean?

 There's a difference between Magic saying, "That nigga can fly," and Rush Limbuagh saying
 "Niggers are lazy by nature. They just don't want to work."

 I'll bet Stevie and Ray can see the difference.

 Besides, everyone knows blacks have driven English conversation for at least my lifetime
 and more likely for the last 200-300 years. Black man says it today, white man says it tomoro.
 If you were to say a normal phrase such as, "Hey, man, I gotta go," that "Hey man,"
 was written by hip blacks way back when they were still colored.

 Damn, if I had a staff, I could give you a dozen examples of how the black dialect from
 years ago is the white dialect today. Hell, "rock n roll" is surely black slang.
 I'll think of fifty examples tomorrow, after this is posted.

 In closing (massive applause) I haven't seen this subject talked about before.
 People almost talk about it a lot, but nobody hardly ever says it.

 I remember a Rush rant from years ago, where he said Clinton was at some Demo fundraiser
 and he donned an Afro wig and danced with a band onstage, (I may have even seen tape of this.)
 But the band loved it, and in fact, they urged him to put the wig on in the first place.

 Rush threw an unholy fit on his TV show, talking about how Clinton was the real race monster
 and how unfairly the conservatives were being treated for no reason.

 "If  Trent Lott or Tom Delay had done that at a GOP fundraiser, there would be hell to pay."

 Pigboy, you're goddamn right about that.
 If those racist bastards donned an Afro and danced around, there'll be hell to pay.
 You've never been more right than when you said that.

 But that's because most black people see Clinton as their friend and they know for a fact
 that Lott and Delay, (and the CCC) are strong on an all-white America, and that scares them.

 Of course, Clinton would never use the word nigger, he's a President, for Christ's sake.
 (He was our last elected president, too.)

 I've been known to use the word, but I'm a good guy.

 Sure, words mean things.
 But some words are like the word "is."

 They have more than one meaning.

From: (withheld)

Subject: Cheney's Pacemaker Plus

I remember a _Tales From the Dark Side_ episode a dozen or so years ago.
Bill Macy (Maude's TV husband, to you) played a high-powered business exec
with a cardiac history like Big Time Cheney's.  His stockholders refused to let him
stay in his job, unless he got this machine strapped to his chest that would resuscitate him
whenever he had an attack.  He continued in his high pressure job, having a series of
increasingly serious cardiac events, each time being brought back from the dead by the machine.

Things got to the point where he WANTED to die, but the damn machine wouldn't LET him.
By the end of the episode, he'd become a crazed, suicidal zombie.

The USA is already being run by a bunch of thieves totally oblivious to the interests of all
but their ultra-rich cronies.  Forget whether Cheney's latest doodad is good for him.

Is it good for US having our country run by a man increasingly distant from the needs and desires of the LIVING?

Leave my name out of it,


  Patient's Bill of Rights, HMO version

  Click  Here

 You have the right to bitch, moan, write your Congressman,
 protest In the streets, and do whatever it takes to bring us down.
 We'd love to see you try.  It's good for a laugh, and gives our CEO's
 a break from raping toddlers, selling crack, secretly painting all
 Canadians as Communists, and buying off your politicians.

 Read the  Previous Issue

 It had everything.

 Copyright © 2001,
   Thanks for the fumble, Dude.

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